something that really bites my butt

and that is windows acting up, and you can't do a damn thing about it.  such is the case right now.  i can't seem to start up nero's backup program.  it acts like it's starting up, but it poops out right before it starts up.  iow, i dont see any additional windows on my desktop.  so, i try to run task manager (right click on the tray), but that will only run minimized, and clicking on it has no effect - it doesn't bring forth the task manager window.  so i can't quit out of that.  i'm afraid to do anything else to my system.  i might have to jus wipe the disk clean and reiunstall from the very beginning with the install cds that i got when i got the machine.  it's a lot of work re-establishing a /home, but sometimes is something that can't be helped.

so wish me luck.  i think i'll do this tomorrow tho.  it's getting a bit late for doing it tonite.  plus, i got up really early today, so i'm kinda tired.

Q.O.D.

"I work for the American people, and I'm determined to bring the change that the people voted for last November. And that means cutting what we don't need, to pay for what we do."

-- President Barack Obama

http://www.abcnews.go.com/Politics/story?id=6968591&page=1

s'bout time.

i'm watching spader oin boston legal.  if you twit, you would know that already.  right?  anyway, i'm wondering if james spader wrote his last diatribe.  the episode is titledguantanamo by the Bay (2007).  it's 00:21, which given the fact that it started at 11:35, that's like 46 minutes into the show.  as far as i'm calculating it.

i'm also wondering on this thing with tomwhore.  a friend on #mindvox, who i'm tapping to carry on with the stats (#mindvox at least).  and i've enlisted the assistance of slowdog, or as he like to call himself now, emopinata.  i have to find out what that is.  but i'd like to know whether or not tom was approached, and what if anything did he have to say.  i'm like really curious.  do i need to do something else to win his favor?  like what would be the deal maker?

obamicon

http://obamiconme.pastemagazine.com/entries/845835

leq

this is my obamicon for the year.  get your very own personal portrait and have it obamiconized at the address above.

ok, the post is over.  i jus needed to know the length between the last line, and this line.

twitter, and how people twit

do you twitter?  i just learned about twitter this past week, and frankly, i don't get it, other than to say you can put down in 140 or less words what you're doing at that time.  since you're not working on the computer - do you twit when you do? - would you be able to answer that one small question:  what are you doing now?

twitter isn't really complex either.  i like complex.  some people don't.  they have this affinity to tell people what they're doing.  i'm more private than twitter.  i've twit'd a couple of days right after discovering it.  maybe i should give it more time.  but it jus didn't fill that niché.  i hope that character comes out.  one nice reason to have charmap.  i like to get things right.

i've got some thinking to do, and it's about a lot of things.  and taken individually, they don't seem so frightening.  taken whole tho, now that's a different story.  and not one that can be laid out on twitter.  blogger has more my style of society.   i think people who do a lot of different things could use twitter better than i.  people who interact with the public are more apt to understand things more thoroughly.  dealing with people takes a real hard skin, among other things. understanding them takes even a stronger soul.  so we have hard skin people with strong souls.  there's all kinds of people in this world, but they all have things in common.  in fact, the things that bind us are many and true.  

wow.  that came out of nowhere.  strange it is.  since i don't get out into the public much to really know them - whoever them is - it's strange that i would know so much as to write about it.  i'm making these observations from years past, and my place in society.  i've had all i could take years ago.  i think that's the real reason i moved.  i couldn't  keep up with them - i know that.  and it took a good game to get as far as i did.  but they're all memories now.  fond memories.

so i'll close out with this.  looking around yourself, take a look into society's soul.  whaddya see?

well, i just read the previous post, and i don't know what i was smoking, but today, i'm back in the same seat i've been sitting in for the last 3 months.  the pain came back in a big way.  and flashes of swallowing those pills kept going thru my mind.  i could actually feel what it would feel like.  almost to the point of *shiver*.

but i'm definitely back on the train i was riding last week.  going nowhere fast.  except i'm not going fast.  i'm sure i'm toning things down by half.  where it took 5 seconds to do something, now takes 10.  i used to be able to make the pain subside to a point where it didn't bother me so much.  it's harder to do that any more.  i'm all done with the kindbud.  there's no more of the good stuff.  another reason i'm back on track.  not really.

one and five still are playing a prominent role in this whole thing.  i'm unable to pin down exactly what it means.  either a 15 or 51.  but there's a 5 and there's a 1 out there.  and i can't for the life of me feel comfortable calling it either way.  when it does make itself known, i'll be sure to make a post about it.

i think i've got a checklist of things that i want done when my body is discovered.  i should get that printed out with the corrections i had on it.  since i've got the mac up and running.  i don't run the mac all the time any more.  it uses up a lot of energy.  but that's not why it's not running.  it's got a cold of sort.  i can't restart it.  once it's running, shutting it off would make the computer unusable for hours.  there's 2 red led  lights that light up in back of the on/off switch.  but why would that be of concern for you huh.

i recently doubled the ram in the vista laptop.  things run without giving me 'short on memory' dlg boxes.  i needed something more than 2 gig.  there's 4 in there now, and we're fine.   i wish i could get a straight answer from microsoft regarding why i can't see the laptop from the xbox.  i can see the xbox in vista, but it can't see me to connect.  i need to be running media center tho, i think.  i wonder if that's an option on the startup menu.

anyway, with all these toys you gotta wonder how a guy could be bored.  it's not that hard to tell you the truth.  one can easily get bored living in a 12x8 room.  my kitchen is twice the size of the living room.  i'll have to dig uip some photos of it getting painted.  

well, it's saturday afternoon, early evening.  i've got scifi rollin on the boobtube.  i shouldn't call my big brand new tv a boob.  there are no 'tubes' in these babies.  i got my 32" lcd out at best buy, the cheapest 32" they had.  a dynex.  and i tell ya, it's definitely worth every penny.  fantastic color control, and it has all the bells and whistles the others had.  no pip tho.  oh well. 

but that's what i'm doing today.  and working on the computer some.  getting moneybooks all in order and reconciled.  i've been pretty good at getting things, keeping things, up to date.  and my moneybooks are one of those things that give that special, oh so spEHshal, attention.  my money has to be right or i'll go nuts trying to keep it all in my head.  the way i used to.  but any more i have to have it on paper.  well, in ascii format.  and i reconcile at least once a week, if not twice and once in a while thrice.  yes, that's indeed a valid word.  

i've sat and thought about doing the deed, and what have you.  i almost have to do that as a last resort.  and so far, it hasn't been necessary to go there.  funny how that works.  do what i always did do, and just now is it becoming conducive to my life.  i'll still 'feel' it sitting on the couch, or setanding over the stove.  but the dwelling is short-lived.

but i'm sitting here now, and thinking about suicide, well, it just doesn't have the zing it used to.  maybe it's just how i'm feeling today.  but it's been this way for a few days now.  i think it's something karmic.  i guess we'll just have to wait and see where this leads us.  who knows maybe the whole shit and kibane will just have been a flash in the pan.  wouldn't that rock.

so we'll see tomorrow where we sit.  it'll be sunday and the talk shows are on.  that'll give me some perspective.  who knows, maybe it'll wipe the slate clean and we'll start over.  who knows.

well, something happened today that weighed in real heavy on my mind.  it was something most people would have probably celebrated with a party or something.  i don't like big parties unless they're dancing.  the parade on my birthday (yes, the anniversary of stonewall happened on my 13th birthday, in 1969) is something that i have done for many years.  of course being away from the city has only fond memories of what happened in new york.  i've been lucky enough to return to the city twice since i've been here.  both times i wish i could have left new york for home like 3 days into the trip.  it was just too overwhelming.

even thinking about it.  and the good news i got today.  both should serve to let me enjoy the moment.  but, there's just one tiny thing that's been on my mind lately.  and i'm having all these 'gee, aint life wonderful' moments that it's kinda hard to make a choice.  between enjoying my new situations and sacrificing whatever comes before me. for that 'sure' thing.  that would be suicide by my own hand.  i guess that's pretty direct.  i'm losing train of thought. i'm being distracted by the television, and this mouse won't really work right.  i've got an external mouse on usb.  i wish i knew where the hdmi port is, and whether or not i can find the box with the cables in it.  i'm only assuming that there's a box in diva's room, and that any peripherals i got with it.

but i'm definitely having another lease on life it seems.  i'm ony hoping that it'll be more on my side, but we'll see.  i checked off one item already today.  so i'm good for the rest of the year.  whiuch is only right.  

well, i could go and call mercy's health line.  but why?  i don't wanna change anything.  so until next time.  i'm not going to call mercy either.  whatever possessed me to say that  i dont know.  but it's definitely not something i wanna do.  more on that later.

suffice it to say.  i'd like to have a hot guy and a short la bamba.  get my drift?  and i swear it's not sexual.  i've been celebate for a good 4 years now.  this is my 4th year.  january of 2005.  i think master diary will have something in it.

OBAMA has the Q

watching the presidential press conference.  and i had a vision of the Q while watching president obama's face.  this guy could sell icicles in alaska.  but he's got the Q.  and i didn't need to see his face to know that.

what i want played at my funeral

http://www.farpoint.org/tayla_burial_song.mp3

it's a song sung by rachel luttrell in an epsiode of stargate atlantis.  she sings it at the site of her friend's death.  the original song was longer than what this mp3 is, but my guess is that they didn't get much without talkover.  i would have liked to have had the talkover if it were to get the whole song.  but it reminds me of a song i wrote years ago.  anyway, take a listen to it and see if you don't agree that it's a good song.

it's saturday night, and i'm in no mood to do anything.  go out, stay home, actually, go where?  i aint been out in months.  years actually.  ya, it's been 2005 january...  dad's funeral.  how could i forget.  the day David went dry.  but i'm really almost bored with my life.  and it's boring to many persons i'm sure.

but the thought of doing the deed has been pervasive all week.  i should have written something about those feelings.  but i didn't.  i'll try and remember them.  i do remember having the lost feeling.  not realizing where i was at.  getting lost in your own home has got to be a sign of some sort of neuroses, no?  it's not like i'm trying to be out of the house at all, i just get to a point where i can't remember where the kitchen is when i'm in the bedroom.  anybody that's been in my house knows how rediculous that would be.

regardless what night it is.  i feel like weird and i can't put my finger on why.  i'm not tired.  and i'm fully awake and alert.  diva's right here pawing at me.  she got her yogurt today so it cant be that.  i think she just likes to make me get up and go chase her in the kitchen while she climbs up into the sink.  she likes to lick the faucet, and once in a while i'll turn it on very gently and she'll stick her tongue out into the stream of water coming from the faucet.  i don't mind it much.  she's not a shedder, so i dont have cathair all over.  she'll shed when the seasons change, and even then, not as much as you'd think.  i feed her strictly eukanuba.

but i know my time is short.  shorter every day to tell ya the truth.  getting old does that to the brain i hear.  i'm having memory issues with 2gig memory.  and i'm at the start of the red zone.  i can't go any higher in this laptop.  kinda sucks.  are there 2gig chips?  ah, i'm told they do.

the origin of Q

http://www.farpoint.org/theQ.jpg

those are diaries from 1986. skipping a year or two in between. but these are the original Qbooks. here's some excerpts http://hitchhikerstory.blogspot.com/.

they cover the years 1986, 1987, 1988, 1990, 1992, 1994 (telephone logs), 1995 (telephone logs), 1996 (telephone logs). then i have the years 2000 forward in organizer (that's version 2.4) format and are here: http://krak.farpoint.org/MASTER_DIARY.htm.

i think the master was missing year 2003.   ...must be a year that i  forgot.

i dont have data on years 1995-1999. it's like those years are something that i couldn't find anywhere. in soft format (and believe me, i've looked at a million cds), or hard copy. i do have calendars for years 2005 to 2008. which i was going to transcribe into soft format last year but forgot about it after putting the calendar away. 

taken in total, the sum of these parts, paints a portrait of .... well, you'll come away wondering how the hell i lived so long.

mad world

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4N3N1MlvVc4

one of my all time favorites.  can't get it out of my head after hearing it on las vegas.

happy superbowl day

happy superbowl day, for those of you in the U.S.  it's the biggest game of the year.  and i'm going out on the limb for this, but i would like to see the cardinals take it.  if even for all the underdog comments i've heard.  i jus hope they win.  by 7.   i promise i wont cheat.

and it's humpday today

i've been sitting back and wondering what to post next, and nothing came to my head.  even now, nothing's in my head to get off with a post to poopy.  so i'll just blatter on.  betcha had to look that up. i did.  and there's such a word, and it even belongs in the sentence.  interesting.  some would contend that to be a sign of sorts.  what that would be is beyond me.  everything's a sign if ya think about it.  i don't believe that i have the power to change the future.  i might think i'm treading away at something that would be good for me down the road.  but really, because it happen, it was supposed to happen.

but really, i don't know what i wanna post on that hasn't been covererd in some manner in these writings.  as wild and ill-built they are, it seems to hit a nerve in most everybody.  and that's a good thing in my head.  i like things that poke me.  i'm not all that enthused about feeling *shiver*.  that takes a lot of doing.  but suffice it to say, these writings are nothing but bullshit.  about bullshit.

really. 

i'm finding another cause for concern.  the ritual before the deed?  during the deed?  shouldn't i do something like say a prayer or anything?  like really.  i mean, there's probably a right way of doing this, and i'm not one of 'em.  i dont know how many other suicides are up on the web with a candor you'll find in these writings.   musings as a friend of mine would say.

but something's been on my mind today.  and that's the things that i'll do to get into the mood, so to speak.  cuz i dont think i've got it in me to go through the steps of taking the pills then doing what?  continue to do what i normally would.  so in essence i'll be on irc on my dying bed.  i'll sit up until i cant sit any more. this would best be carried out right before going to bed.  i would naturally wanna fall asleep.  i doubt there'd be more than an hour that i would have to fill the time with.  get all the documents up on the computer screens.

i'm hoping that whoever discovers the body will read the notes i'm leaving on the desk and in the bedroom.  actually, i can skip the bedroom.  there'll be no need for them to do anything in there.  i'll have to disclose where i put the money.  tinbox on the dresser would be a good spot.  i've got about 5400.  4750 in one envelope, and about 700 in the other envelope.  that's about 6 grand.  plus lthe money in teh nbank.  another grand.  so that's about 7 grand.  i need to get tim lapointe paid off and have some casheir's checks i want mailed.  i'll give each voidmstr, krak and netrunnr $500 to enjoy in my absense a drink in a voxmeet.  and krak will be getting his because he's hosting farpoint.org for the next 6 years.  so i'll remain in cyberspace while my body floats the mississippi. well, winnebago, THEN the mississippi.

anyway, i'll get a plan together before long, and will indicate it in another post.

it's saturday night.  i'll bet a lot of  you had a good time going out.  i hope you're able to afford to go out.  i'm sure there's a lot of those who choose to go out. that stayed indoors and get on the internet.  it's cold out there anyway.  and i've got a bottle of vodka - belvedere.   there's also a wiki of it too.    i've always maintained that you know when your time has finally arrived.  ...  when you have a wiki.  i guess the same can be said of their treatment of vodka. 

ya know what i joined recently?  a thing called twitter.  everybody's now doing the twitter.  frankly, i think it's just another fad that people will get off on telling everybody that they're on.  anyway, twitter is supposed to do all these wonderful things, with your friends.  well, what do you do when you have no friends?  seriously.  not people that you can get online with and chat up a storm with, and that sorta thing?  i have maybe 2 people that i can call friends and i know i'll have him/her over here in no time.  especially if it was an emergency.  so i'm rewarding them with executor of my estate.  i cant take it with me, so i might as well make the most of it going into her hands.  it has been on my mind a lot more recently than normal.  questioning whether i'm doing the right thing.  instead of giving it to theresa.  which i'm expecting her to wanna be written off with the IOU she has with me.  that's fine.  but i cant give anything to her.  i'm sure she'll understand. 

 oh ya, it's been on my mind a lot lately.  i think i know the time is coming when i cant stall any longer.  it's gotta be something that i cant back down from once the process has started.   so i gotta be comfortable from step 1.  hopefully i'm gonna be able to lay down and go to sleep normally, but something tells me that aint what this is about.  i'm sure every second ios going to count. probably loudly.  i dunno.  i'm only guessin at how this is going to go down.  i gotta wonder also whether planning this to the letter is going to benefit only the survivors.  they won't have to question what to do with whatever is around here.  i've left a list on the table-desk for them to follow so that the place will be ready for the new tenant when they leave.  i've paid up to the end of the month.  there's a deposit on the place, only $275 tho.  that used to be the rent. 

anyway, ya, i'm gonna freek out unless i do it in here first, then i'll know what these feelings are because just the thought of some of this will give me the chills.  i'm only hoping that they are a good omen, and not a bad one.  but the process, ONce the process has started, i gotta be a stinker if i chose to ignore that fact, and treat me like i aint ben there before.  but once this process has started, i expect a full run through of the steps ending up with me in bed and 40 pills in my stomach, getting absorbed.  i'm hoping that sleep comes beforehand, so i should be sleeping away.  i'm hoping there's nothing on the painful side of things.  some might argue that i'm not seeing the whole picture.

that's right.  not seeing the whole picture.  i'm 6'2" tall, i can probably see more picture than the majority here.  but i see the picture i see.  fact.  i have to deal with that reality.  fact.  as long as we're communicating, i think we're good for understanding.  fact.  got any fact that i don't mention?  drop me a line.  i'm always up for more facts.  half the 'facts' i hear from people aren't really facts at all.  and when you point that out to whoever brought it forward in the beginning realize that there were issues with the points of contention with whatever started this whole thing.  make sure you state your facts and provide me with the sources.  i wanna see if i see the same thing you would see.  i think depending on the object of the sight.  right?

ok, i'm gonna close up soon here.  i've taken up way too much of your time for what.  nothing.  sorry jack, unless you're a really hot man looking for some luuuuuv.  ...  nah, i'm just not into it like i used to be.  and boy was i a whore.  if they wanted to pay me, wtf?  why would i say no to that.  that's rhetorical.  i wouldn't.  but i sure had fun.  i had fun fun fun.  my middle name was funn.  two n's.  i really only started using my real name when i came back to iowa in 1998.  and the time in this old house has been well spent on quite a number of party events over the years.  in the beginning i would bbq almost every night.  right out on the front porch.  i didn't care.

shit, i know i said i'd close up there.  i'll close this now with this thought - do something for someone else once.  you'll probably want to do it again.  but do it with the pure thought of doing something for someone else.  when you're incognito, it adds brownie points.

HAPPY OBAMA DAY!

did you see the inaugural program they had on every channel today?  i couldn't escape it, and felt drawn to it like a flame intices you.  i felt good to be an american once again.  makes the last 8 years worth it.  i jus hope he stays on course.  if congress will only worth with him, and there should be no reason for them not to, they'll find a young man with only the best intentions. all in all the pagentry held together and they were only about 3 minutes late.  so given the amount of people who attended the event, one would have to say today went off without a hitch.

just like it was supposed to.  maybe that's a sign of what is to come.  so happy obama day to ya.  now for the link.  http://www.kottke.org/09/01/the-countrys-new-robotstxt-file.

bang a drum all day

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZclddLcOYYA

well, it's tuesday night and i'm feeling crazy.  aint how that song goes?  i cant remember, but it sounds good.  it's tuesday. i'm not exactly feeling crazy, thank you very much linda.  but i'm glad of that.  dad died in 2005, so it's been since then that i've been celibate.  and sober i dare say.  of course i've had pot here and there.  not as widespread as i thought it would be.  which is good.  i don't like getting mixed up with that crowd.  i like knowing them.  that's that.

but i'm starting to feel like this is my last hurrah.  the finality of it is strong.  combined with permanence, and you get the idea.  my last hurrah.  a weeklong celebration.  we'll see where we go with that.  i could pull it off.  i've got the money.  it's just too cold to do anything outside.  we're due for a warm up this week, no?  ya see the snow so deep, nothing can take it away.  the last thing i wanna do is shovel snow.  i wish it was spring.  but it's winter.  the cold part of winter that we're just getting into.  we got windchills -24.  *brrrrrrr*.

it'll be nice to not have to think about it.  i think there's a whole lotta things i gain by suicide.  i get to pull the plug, not anybody else.  so i can control when and where.  i've got a plan believe it or not.  this plan is going to get me through this in one piece, i think.  my cat Diva has been pawwing me all night tonite.  i love her like nothing else.  check out her website:  diva.farpoint.org  but she can just about control all things house.  she definitely knows when those aleycats make it inside.  i shouldn't really blane them.  there's a windchill advisory til something tomorrow.  

i show a -24 on my widget.  that's windchill now.  how cold i feels.  if the wind is blowing 15mph, you're going to feel colder than if it was only blowing 5mph.  even at the same temperature, -4 it's outside right now.  that's northern iowa.  my heating bill is going to be through the roof this month.  no matter.  i don't really care what happens after a week or so.  next month?  gah, not even in the sight.  next week will be a challenge.  there's the inauguration on tuesday.  that's historic. i'd kinda would like to be alive for that.  see.  there's that wanna live thing happening.  i could name a million reasons 'to live'.  but they don't mean a thing without your health.  i'm on this slowboat to the showdown.  sorta like a ferry going across the bay.  i'm glad i'm inside.  it's toasty in here.  fuck 'em.  i'm on budget anyway.  they'll rape me in the summer.  they're going to get their money.

on the 5-day forecast i have a high of 1 low of -20, wed.  thu is -11 high and -16 low. friday is 7 high and 6 low.  see, it's getting better at the weekend.  so we're not hopelessly down low.  it's just a crush that she's on and we'll get over it real fast.  nex  tuesday is still 7 days away.  but it's gottta get in the groove.  it's not yet in the groove.  i'll wait for that.

%2347%

that's the marker for the time in the David Diaries.  and it's telling me it's time for bed.  where's Diva?

tick tock

well, i wrote my obituary.  short but sweet.  let me know what you think.

i'm torn between two dates.  this saturday, vs next monday/tuesday.    i'm due on monday to be in rochester mayo @ 1345 .  no blood tests.  he should schedule these things before i go in, and then we'll have something to discuss.  the data they're viewing when i go in is old.  i should put my foot down.  but i won't, primarily because i hate raising hell.  especially when that issue is something free (not out of my pocket).  nothing's free tho, i tell ya.  you may not see all the costs up front, but that certainly doesn't mean they aren't there.

i don't know what to do about leeann nelson.  i feel guilty for lying to her.  but hey, she'd 'follow protocol,' saying so much this afternoon, confirming that to keep my ass free, i have to lie.  so i lie.  i wish i didn't have to, but i couldn't see how spending time in jail was going to make me think twice?  please.  i couldn't deal with jail.  but they'll take me if i didn't go nicely.  talk about police state.

mercy's like that too. they like throwing their weight around.  they ask, the city gives.  and by virtue of being a hospital, they get by with a lot of shit, like this stuff.  not being held accountable. but see, since i'm actually going, they're the ones who should be getting the credit of 'doing the right thing'.  they didn't want a lawsuit first, and then dropped me because they were unable to provide me the level of service that i required.  like, what a bogus answer for not living up to the standard of professional behavior.  

i'd really like to hear a doctor's point of view.  or someone with knowledge of ambien.  explain what the mechanics of death would be.  how it would happen with ambien as the drug of choice.  ambien 10mg.  i think they make a 5mg tablet.  but this shit makes me sleepwalk.  i remember a winter or two ago when i had some accident with the car.  the station wagon i sold to bob for $300.  i lost $200 on it, but had it for over a year i think.  i jus didn't wanna have a car this year.  especially in winter.  go outside and move it every day.  i could park it in back, but then i would be running options for accidents in that deep snow.

yes, having the opinion of a medical professional would be appreciated.  it's jus too bad that they can't separate things and be honest with those who are suicidal.  it's like worrying about a lawsuit, then doing something that screams for a lawsuit.  that's mercy home care for ya.   they share web with their parent, mercy medical center - north iowa.  they have a foot clinic that i have to get to.  hopefully it'll be staffed by this nurse that used to come out and do my feet.  i got a serious nail growing and curving around.  i dont have much in the way of fingernails, but when they make that clickity click click sound when i type, then i'll know it's time to cut 'em.  and i get 'em short.  i like them short.

and then there's doctor johnson.  what a guy.  always sweet and with a smile.  i know he's probably going to hate me for breaking my promise.  but hey, what would he do?  probably commit me to 5 east.  no no way.  if they were really serious, why hasnt anybody confiscated my ambien?  that would be the first thing i'd ask for.  if i thought the dude was suicidal.  i'd probably ask him to let me help him.  with watever.  but there's nothing like getting some information on the mechanics of death, particularly with ambien, and getting info from a medical authority... shit i forgot what i was going to say.  oh yeah, the wealth of knowledge i could glean from a doctor or a nurse, would be valuable.  it would help me create my own alter.

i'll get into positioning tomorrow.  i'm sure it'll be simple and clean.  the latter especially with my constipation of late.  but i would like to be discovered in a natural position of sleep.  i don't move an inch all night.  i usually wake up in the same position i was when i fell asleep.  i have been known to sleepwalk, especially with ambien.  i'm sure taking the amounts that i'm looking at taking would negate any possibility of a sleepwalking session.  wouldn' t it?

my pussy is out tonite.

my cat, Diva, is spending the night down at the local vet's place.  took her in today to see what could be done about her not eating for the last 4 days.  today's the first i could get her in to see a doctor.  they kept her to do blood work on her.  hopefully she'll eat something there, and maybe i jus have to change the food.  i dunno.  i'll ask tomorrow.  i get her back after lunch.  plus i have another appt at 1345, with that leeann nelson over at mercy 5 south.  that should be interesting.

but ya, my pussy cat is out of the house, first time in 11 years.  since she was out all night when i got her fixed.  so ya, 11 years.  10 for sure.  she'll turn 11 in april.  i say april 15, taxday.  but it's the first time she's been away from me for that period of time.  i can take pills to get to sleep, i wonder if she'll get any rest.  hopefully she'll jus sleep this all off.  and that she'll be happy tomorrow and back to her own self.  if wishes were fishes.

because, i tell ya, if it were a serious matter and they told me that they would have to put her down (riding with linda who jus went thru this with rufus).  a bit extreme yes, but i tell ya, if something were to take place and take her away fronm me, i'd kill myself without a bat of the eye.  hands down.  didn't have to think about it.  i know i wouldn't be able to go on without her.  and why would i wanna replace her.  i believe when i die, i'll be one with the dead ones.  i jus wish i could see what their normal day would look like.  time is different there.  so maybe i'll not recognize the hour that would be taking place in our lives now.  it's hard to think of what the world would be like minus time.  imagine that.

i'm happy to report that diva has no problems in her liver, and other organs they usually check for when they take blood.  wbc was one of the tests, and all was in guidelines.  so nothing stood out.  hopefully they'll find a way for diva to eat.  even if it's just a little bit.  if she would just taste what you offer her, it would make me smile.  but i have a feeling she'll jus race to her box in her room.  i'll know tomorrow.

at least it's something to live for huh.

magicJack vs vonage

about a week ago, i received a package in the mail that came from magicJack.  it was my device to unplug vonage.  and it works.  it worked when i plugged it into my laptop, and i hooked up a phone to it, and voila, 5 minutes later i was able to get/make phone calls.  i even set up my voicemail.  

i can't say anything bad about the service you get from vonage.  for $25/mo, which really ends up being $31+/mo, i get to have all the services and features that my phone company had me on, but they were all free.  which was nice.  and i liked how it interfaced with email.  i get the .wav file with both services (MJ/V).  vonage had a few more features like simulring, which was handy. but i don't use it any more.  so i wouldn't miss that by switching over.

i should include what they sent me.  it was like a 10 point advantages of vonage over MJ.  i think they really feel threatened by MJ.  and it's good thing too.  MJ is small enuf that i can carry without much bulk.  all i would need is a laptop/desktop.  but that's waht the mobile phone is for.  i dont need one number everywhere i go. i can deal with a home number and a cell number.  two numbers.  oh well.  i doubt i'll be around long enough for it to matter.  bottom line?  i like MJ just as much as i liked vonage.

oh, i meant to say this earlier.  vonage will not issue me a refund even though my anniversary date was sunday, jan 4.  i waited until today to get them to stop the process, and they acted like i wanted the queen mary.  they sent this 10 point monster argument why vonage is better than MJ.  ya know, i keep thinking michael jackson everytime i type the MJ. heh.  anyway, ya, vonage will not refund my money because i didn't call in before it got money from my bank.  but they were really ready to end my service tho.  they thought they could end my service and keep the money for the month of january.  so whoever from vonage is listening, listen up.  offer refunds, and i'd probably come back.

so there.

for years to come

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZclddLcOYYA

what a great song.  if i had my keyboards all connected and running, i'd do a remake of this song.  it's begging .... SCREAMIN for a remake.  don't cha think?

miscellaneous musings

i don't know why i jumped on this page, it's so far the only entry in the dictionary that would have only one line defining the word.  if you know of another word that could be explained away with only the bare essentials, let me know.  common sense is of course, is, by merriam-webster, more an idea than anything else.   

anyway, MW defines common sense as a sound and prudent judgment based on a simple perception of the situation or facts.  period.  what constitutes sound, and prudent?  once those factors are known, i'm sure the rest will glide right on in.  to only have one line defining you is a great feat imho.  i wonder what the man on the street would say about common sense.  that would be interesting.  maybe there's a pollster out there that could put it together.

we all go somewhere in our minds when things happen to us.  losing a job can cause an emotional upheaval.  losing your house could be suicidal.  i'm not saying that if you're losing your house that you'll automagically get suicidal.  no. being suicidal is a personal thing.  it has to be defined with that in mind.  i'm not saying that i lost my house, no.  but such an event would certainly alter the balance of things.  i couldn't begin to say that i could understand what some of you are going through.  i try my best at spending money in the community (rather than all online).  but damn, a house, i would find myself very suicidal.  hands down.

a house.  damn.  anyway, common sense to me is something you get by living a life of balance.  i've pretty much lived a life with that in mind.  coming from iowa, one would expect to have 'common sense', and they're usually right.  i can hear it already ...  die, death, suicide, zombie, reincarnation,  common sense.  common sense tells me that there really are no zombies. die/death is basically the same thing. that leaves reincarnation.  

reincarnation.  ya, i believe in reincarnation.  i definitely believe in the life after my death.  i think what guides us is our conscience.  whether we come back to 'earth' is another story.  is there even death out there?  but i think when we die, we transform ourselves to another realm.  the moment of death is the transference of energy.  from one state, to another state.  i'd like to think that there's something so wonderful, no wonder they call it heaven.  

when people ask me what is my religion, i tell them i was born catholic, went to catholic school in mason city, iowa, and 6 months after parents moved to manly, i was sent away to a boy's farm school.  it was then when i first came into contact with edgar casey.  i only know that edgar was a prophet.  there are some who have that ability - to transend the limitations of our environment.  i'm sure there are a lot of such people out there, and especially now with the internet, they simply become more visible.

so, i'll close it up with this thought for you.  do something nice for someone.  without them knowing your actions/intentions.  it would be great if they didn't even know you or what you're doing.  to do something nice for someone is really a great feeling.  i'm sure there are times when feeling so social is called for, but there are times that will not be so tolerant.  the stranger they are, the better.  there are some people out there that could literally give you a heart attack.  i was happy to have lived with people that were rejected elsewhere.   anyway, that would call for a 'nother post.  more tomorrow.

happy new year

well, it's a brand new year.  and i'm anxious to be done with it already.  i think the coast is clear to do the deed and not put anybody out over it.  i was just thinkin the other day, the 1 5 i saw in my vision.  that could mean 1/5.  so that puts it at monday next.  which is fine with me.  i'll have to see what happens between now and then.  this is going to be a short post.  i'm really cold in here.  the thermostat is set to 70, and the heat is currently on.  but my fingers are numb from the cold.  oh well.

for future reference

1970's, late, @ nyc's les mouches.  kitty, who ended up being my roommate.  140 7th ave.  1D.  prime 2 bedroom space.  we had this architecture that modern architecture noticed in late 70's.  i wish i knew what late 70's meant.  75? gah, that's a long ass time ago, but i was in nyc then, no?  76 i know i had touched new york city.  in between florida/nyc run of the mill.  fire island really.  tho, i never did care for the island's politics.

but les mouches was this restaurant and bar/nightclub on 25th street and 10th or 11th.  11th, because it was across teh street from that other palace?  oh 25th?  i cant recall the name of that place right now, but it was where junior broke out.  and madonna.  had to do with the circus didn't it?  i cant remember much about it other than it was there, and a place to be.  but les mouches was quite the place, both in the restaurant, and in the nightclub scene.  managed by bill mcginty.  and run by a band of brothers, i cant remmeber their names right now either.  but i remember bill mcginty.  anyway, back to les mouches.

situated in two buildings, the restuarant and bar/nightclub would take in a loit of money when they would open.  staying open beyond hours was also their moneyticket, i'm sure.  les mouches.  the fly in french.  don't ask.  i had one of their t-shirts.  nice design.  it was the place to be in 75/76 i think.  i was only 19-20.  hot son of a bitch i was.  and i played it up at les mouches.  fucking everybody in sight.  heh.  that was back in the day of cocaine being fresh.  pre-krak.  the drugs were so rampant, we, servers @ les mouches, had these crystal plates made with grooves in them for the coke.  came with a cigarette, or straw, holder.  back when such things were still celebrated.

oh ya, les mouches.  one of the reasons i'm alive today was due to bill mcginty, one of the managers/owners?...  he acted like he owned the place tho.  i wish i could remember who else was part of that klan.   some jewish guy i remember, but i dont recall the name.

a milestone

after 7 years of providing stats for #mindvox and #interport, the two channels on EFnet that i hang out at, on IRC.  internet relay chat.  it's the original chat "room" that you hear about from aol'rs.  but today was my last day of providing them.  tomwhore, who's also another voxxer [one who hangs out on #mindvox], will be taking over these duties, hopefully.  i sent him the history .log files and the stats program is at http://krak.farpoint.org/stats.zip.  or you can register your copy with http://www.mirc.com.  

and i'm kinda sad about the thing really.  this is the one thing i had going for me, and now we're at the end of a long long relationship.  i've gotten to know log files pretty well doing these.  you can tweak almost anything you could think of with this program.  i would rate it a 9 out of 10.

happy new year

is that happy new year or happy new years?  i think i've heard it both ways.  yup, google has both of them and they point to a different lineup of pages.  kinda funny that one is.  we depend on google so much these days.  it acts authoritative.  i think a simple page is still the best page.

in years past, i've attended the party in times square for years.  then after my hospital visit on the  millenium new year(s) wave, i've succumbed to not going out for new years.  it jus duznt hold the reverence it used to.  maybe it's just me getting old.  but it jus duznt have that lustre it had while i was there.  for all of the 80's and most of the 90's, i went to times square for new years.  i think a million or more went with me.  :)

i would hate to spoil whatever reverence my friends hold for new years. i would hate to have them remember new years as the day david died.  so that's the why not answer for the day.  i'm sure i'll have a why not every day.  maybe not.  maybe the why will win out some day this week.  i think i've got linda pared and ready for me on tuesdays.  so oince again, tuesdays become that changeover day.

hrm, as bix would say.

so was santa good to you?

i would have to answer that with a so so.  i got a nice cologn thingy that's got a bunch of different colognes by calvin klein.  i'm not a klein fan so much as i think obsession smells good.  but he's got another one that smelled great, i cant remmeber teh name right now and i'm not going to get up and go look.  if you need toknow, you can EMAIL ME.

I'm still around, which kinda astonishs me.  i seriously thought it was a decenber 15 timeframe that was guiding things along.  surprise.  december 15 came and gone already, and i'm still here.  but i smell it so i know it's in the air.  i'm working on getting comfortable with the onset of knowing it'll be hours.  i think i can do hours.  i know i can do days.  or i thought so anyway.  maybe it was january 15.  it had a 1 and a 5 in it.  

anyway, so i'm still around.  still going off to the store and shop.  i've gotten a lot of joy out of shopping, especially when i was buying for someone else.  in this case, linda was the brunt of my philanthropic endeavors lately.  she's gotten gas and lunch.  next thing ya know i'll be buying her groceries.  not really.  but i felt good when i gave them a 32" lcd and a bluray player - bitches are $300 in wal-mart.  i think it was wal-mart.  no it was best buy.  ya, best buy had the dynex 32".  and it's been great.  it's the cheapest they had for the 32".  but enough of that.

why you say.  why am i still around one would ask.  one should ask it.  i'm here because it's not yet my time.  that's all i can say.  it cant be because of the reality of it.  i've had the pills in my hand at one point.  but i got pulled out of it.  so i know there's a force at work here.  i wonder what it wants.

i dunno.  i think, confidently think, that there is a way of knowing when it's the right time.  i believe that to a t.  (what's a t?)  but it'll be a voice that tells me.  i'll hear it loud and clear.  not that it says a whole lot, but i will recognize the authority.  my biggest problem thus far is diva.  i don't know how i'm going to leave her.  every time i try telling her, i kinda choke up, and dismiss the need.  but it always has a way of creeping back up where you least expect it.  

so did you celebrate christmas?  or chanukah?  i think that's the proper way of spelling it.  i think my friend void spelled it that way.  one n.  i took one out. so no, i aint so smart that i can spell right all the time.  most of the time.  always had a knack for that sorta thing.  but i didn't really celebrate for christmas.  i stayed home that day.  and i'm glad because linda got soused ... i think both nights.  oh well.  i aint gonna judge her at all for what she does.  but she's getting everything when i go, so i'm trusting her a lot to do what i want.  and that's a good place for diva.  i don't care so much about the other cats - maybe someone can trap them and take them to the shelter.

anyway, i'm ending this in a sideways vote.  i'm looking at life through these special glasses.  it makes everything look so much more real.  funny how i just looked up and saw dave in glasses. funny huh.  it's a sign i tell ya.  it's a sign.  :)

i'll try and do a new years post.  tomorrow.  i've got stats to do.   if you're not familiar with my stats, take a look at #mindvox and #interport chat sessions.  i'm doing 2 actually tomorrow for each channel.  one for the month, which is normally done, but being the end of the year, i'll do a year end one that'll analyze logs from all year. should prove interesting wouldnt you say?

so until tomorrow, i bid adieu.

poor bastards

http://www.co.cerro-gordo.ia.us/Sheriff/Most_Wanted/custody.html

the catch up post

i see a christmas day departure.  more as it becomes known.

this is a continuation from yesterday's unfinished work.  as it is, i'm still here and it's christmas.  merry christmas to you all out there and thanks for your calls and emails.  but it's christmas and i jus couldn't pull myself to do it and let christmas becomes a depressed holiday because of my suicide.  so i've put it on hold right now, and that's exactly where it belongs.

but ya, i really thought about it tho.  it wasn't an easy decision, which wasn't surprising.  but ya, i had to think about it from both sides.  and the side that wanted to, jus couldn't pass the muster test this morning.  by muster i mean i couldn't get past the 'remembered holiday' argument being solid enough to warrant action, and in this case, inaction.  i think i've gone, for the first time, to the point against the deed more than once.  it might become 

there are developments.  i'll catch them in the next post.  stay tuned.

there's rational, and then there's rational

if i were to make my intentions known, i'll bet the first question i get would be 'why?" and it's a perfectly legal question, especially now.  why.  why would i wanna lose all that i have.  why would i wanna be away from diva.  why would i want to leave my wonderful, perfect-for-me house.  and notice they're not questions.  it's probably because i wouldn't be able to supply qualified answers.  sure i'm going to miss a lot of things.  but that's the whole point.

and that point is there would never be, by simple virtue of the question, any qualified answers to why not.  same could be said about the question why.  when why not and why have the same 'sound', then it's one to be worth more than your normal answer.  listening for those messages is what the Q is really all about.

aaahhhh, the Q.  boy i could write one whole article about the Q.  and this would have been before STNG came out with their Q.  not unsurprisingly similar. the Q is still a force of many.  i am but just one of the Q.  think of it as a new race.  although not always so telling, one can usually tell when many get together for the first time.  the Q will occupy the whole room if given substance.  but there's much i could tell you about Q.  think of it this way, you'll come to understand the Q better as time marches on.  that's the one gift i can give people.  the opportunity to be aware of the Q.

now that i got that out of the way, the next step is just about ready to begin.  that would be....  stay tuned.

can ya taste it yet?

i'm sitting this close to doin the deed, i'm nervous writing this.  i've been awake all day and watching stargate. waiting for my friend to call me back.  i've been up since about 7 this morning.  couldn't go back to sleep so i stood up.  so half of my day is over with.  in fact, i'm in my eighth hour.  did a load of laundry last nite.  so i got clean clothes.  no need for clean clothes as i'm not expecting to go anywhere any time soon.  i need to get to the store on tuesday, but that's about all i got going.  and it's chanukah.  not that i celebrate chanukah at all, but my friends do, so i ride their coattails.  same with christmas.

but getting back to the subject du jour.  suicide.  notice how it rolls off the keyboard.   yes, suicide.  touchy subject as i've found out the hard way.  but some people just can't deal with anything suicidal, unless they're controlling the situation.  although, i must give this student intern out at the mhc, and assistant to the residing psych doc.  lasisse.  nice guy too.  his student was a bit more apt at figuring out what it really is.  or he wuznt injecting himself into the situation.  and i think he got wind of the truth.  but he'll cover his ass with my declaration that he is in no way at fault for my actions.  and here i don't even know the boy's name, he told it to me ..twice i think.  oh well, i'm never good at names.

point being, he was respectful of my way of thinking.  and i liked that.  i wish we could have met earlier.  'sides, he is kinda Qute.

t minus ... part deux

this is a continuation of this afternoon's rant.  but mainly it was designed from the onset that this documents that i was present and accounted for.  after speaking with some folks, i definitely came away thinking i'll be missing another component of life.  that was being around other people.  since i'm mainly a '"loner". my relationship skills are a bit off.  i'll still miss some people tho.  and it's sad that that is happening, but not a deal breaker.

i think the closer t time is, the more anxious i get, yet i'm quite calm.  i would have figured me to be in a hypertensive mode, trying to accomplish a lifetime's array of workskills.  there's no sense of time.  probably because time 'there' is different than 'time' here.  i too am taking the added extra time to reflect on what exactly i'll be missing.  i keep having these senseabilities to settle. i figure we're using about half of my alotment. imagine that, a wallet full of favors.

there's also this urge to tell the tale of Q.  before the beginning, the begining, the now and tomorrow, and then the end.  consolation.  there's more reward than that isn't there?  there should be great rewards for those things where the achievement was not easy.  i'll betcha there's a bean counter on life.  and i wonder how many people would argue with him.  or her.  i'm not sexist here.  i should tell the tale of Q tho.  and i'm starting him back in 1970.  pre-chicago days.  that's when i first was sent away from home.  for being a bad boy.  i joy-rode my parents' 1958 buick super.  i remember driving that car.  remember it well actually.  nothing major in my life occured during that time, other than first timers.  i lost my virginity in more ways than one during my stay at durand boys farm school.  that's when the Q first made himself known to me.  and boy have i had the time of my life ever since.  well in the last decade maybe not.  you can tell me.  take a gander.   that's just my time in this house.

but i know i'm close, so close i can smell it.  sweet smell of death.  i wonder death really is sweet, or am i jus satisfying some sweet tooth urge i have.  i always thought death stunk.  probably from people's released waste.  i would expect the clothes to be dirty.  but other than that, i see very little in way of having to 'prop' me up in any way.  i'll go to bed normal.  i jus hope i can get to sleep as easy.  that'll be the true telling of how good of a life i've led.  now wouldn't it.  worried about what will happen because i led an evil life, jus won't happen on my watch.  now whether i'm disqualified from the finals in other ways... i wouldn't put it past the ol' son of a bitch to use some simple misuderstandings to ruse a case against my enrollment at the heavenly school for delinquent boys.

so, it's as close as close gets.  i'm sure there will be more insights into my thinking during this most crucial time of my life.  there's a lot of shit that's getting packed away so they'll be alive for generations to come.  i'm archiving the irc logs of #interport and #mindvox.  then there's my diaries that go back to 2000.  and i've got 86-06, the latter years after 2000 aren't repeats of organizer files that start around that time.  these are two sets of files kept, but it should be a good checker of facts.

but it's all coming to an end.  hopefully with a smile on my face.  i think i've got a pretty decent plan, even tho it got off to a rocky start.  oh well.  mercy home care could have taken the opportunity that was presented before them, and use that to garner more information on what makes a man tick during a time like that.  in the prelude to death.  how many other preludes are out there - probably a lot so i should jus let it drop.  we'll conclude this prelude with a proverb.  lo are the seekers of life.  for they are the ones who best live it.

but i've had a wonderful life.  a very full life, one that couldn't be repeated if one tried with a million dollars.  i certainly wouldn't trade it away, regardless of where i'd be if i were to buy into that bologna.  i think that's how it's spelled.  nope, i wouldn't trade it for a million dollars. i jus wish there were things like diaries back in 1970 when i went to durand boys farm schhol  i learned a lot about life at that school.  being transferred to eldora boys training school was a step down in the scale of things.  they couldn't keep a faggot at the boys farm school, so it was determined that i be kept in iowa's training school for delinquent boys.  these were criminals to delinquent youth in eldora.  but they finally transferred me to the mental health institute because being gay was a sickness back then.  so i spent like 8 months in the institute and they didn't know what to do with me, couldn't send me back home into that situation again, so they kept me back in eldora till i turned 17.  at age 17.5 i was released to go to marshalltown community college.  did well on the ged.

but i don't wanna go into my life on this forum.  i'll save that for hitchhiker.  keep hitchhiker alive.

t minus ...

as close as close gets.  that's about what i can summarize up this week with.  i'm this far from getting the pills out.  the urge to do the deed is getting stronger.  not weaker.  like this is indeed the right thing to do.  i'm too comfortable to be worried about.  i'm about ready to pick out the music.  i think i'll jus play dance with xbox 360.  let that be the video.  hopefully it'll play the tunes i've got in for dance.  i could make up a new songlist.  but it'll all be the same thing.  i dont know if this will rerun and repeat over and over?  or what it'll do.

but i'm treating people as if i'm not going to be around to be with them again.  i'm not saying anything about it, but the way i feel is the way one would feel on his last facetime session, one of fun and carefree.  i'm not treating money matters any differently however.  i'm not out on a big charge binge.  and i could very well tie one on just one last time.  no.  i dont wanna do that.  i'd rather just let it lay the way it's meant to lay.  the way it lays now is fine and dandy with me.  not to say anything to anybody.

i would probably be getting earfuls of how important i am to them and society as a whole.  spare me the part about how much god loves me.  my feelings on god are published and well known.  i believe god is the sum of all our human souls.  i would like to see a society not depend on money the way it does.  but heh, i was born into it, i'll die out of it.  but all the remarks i hear and others talking plainly in sight, i get the feeling that if i were to believe them, and do what they say, i would be ditching the pills and breaking the syringes.  but why.  i've had those syringes for months now and they're for this testosterone the pharmacy sent over.  i jus dont have the where withall in giving myself an injection of it.  i think that's how you spell it.  i'm right.    i'd like to hear the areas i need to be concerned about.

well, my cat is pawing at me for some attention.  Diva needs something and so i'll get her situated and think a little bit more before i continue posting.

j'm getting the feeling that you all think i should be dead by now. cant i draw this out to a week?  i'm not going to wig out and rush anything.  so you'll jus have to be patient, like everyone else.  it's coming.  that i'm not only comfortable but active in this orgnization.  we're not schmidt blood, and i believe he cared for me as if it was labeld SCHMIDT. it took me several years and lots of guts to get into circles that were so tight, it ws amazing anything ever got done, but that was far away from the case here.

i guess i'm still here because there is something that has yet been unfulfilled.  God only knows what that would entail.  maybe it has something to do with this blog.  maybe it has to be done @ home in the cold.  or maybe it has something to do with the outdoors.  i'm shoveled, so it can't be that.  hm, i'm about out of ideas.  i will know it when it happens.  that's something cool about me, i can usually tell when i'm being spoken to.  

i think i'm close to eventtime.  there's that aspect of my feelings that won't go away.  they'll sometimes be 'outbid' for my time and interest, but think of what this would do for the governments of each country that adopted deat  ih with dignity act.  i should read their version of the whole movement.  what's known by me is probably very little.  and i'm somewhat reluctant to read about other theories about death and heaven and what have you.  i dont really know why i'm so reluctant about it.  i wish it wuznt.  i'm thrilled at the prospect of 'knowing' the truth about death.  there's a secret that's so secreative that no one wants to talk about.  

and that's what i've been trying to do.  provoke discussion.  i wish you people would use the comments on these posts.  i would like to get a concensus on what you folks think about when the subject is death and dying.  i'm sure they run the gamut.  from fire in the sky strict christian against the most radical islamic.  

anyway, i thought i'd post something so people won't think the deed was done and they were never told.  relax folks, i've got a coupla days at least ahead of me.  but keep in touch because it could happen anytime.

you've probably had some ideas that i did myself in.  it's been a day or two since i've posted.   ok, i checked.  1 day.  oh well. it feels like two days.  not that so much has happened, but it seems to be a long time away.  anyway, what topic should we discuss tonite.  prelude?  i think i could do a prelude piece.  i wonder to start from what time and last until what time.  those are questinos. 

i know ...  i'll start here at 23:25 central standard time. i think we're -5 from meridian.  i think it's meridian.  the place where the line between two days is, and you can literally change days by going over that line.  i wonder if it's marked off very well.  

but what subject do we feel like and what are good subjects?  prelude?  interlude, doing the deed?  i don't think i can do doing the deed tonite.  i could probably do prelude.  t- something. heh, i should define what that number is.  but prelude is the subject matter for tonite.  definition.  use.  result.

prelude.  what does the dictionary say about prelude?

1: an introductory performance, action, or event preceding and preparing for the principal or a more important matter
2 a: a musical section or movement introducing the theme or chief subject (as of a fugue or suite) or serving as an introduction to an opera or oratorio b: an opening voluntary c: a separate concert piece usually for piano or orchestra and based entirely on a short motif

well, take what yuu can from ol' man dictionary

so, prelude. it's not music. no opera. (i use chrome by google)

prelude. doublechecking what is supposed to be seen upon discovery. the pills, all my money, tinbox & cash, what's on the computers. i need certain windows open with certain files open. set the strage for discovery. what should i print and have on the keyboard/desk. i want the latest will. leaving everything to one person is so much easier. it's not much, but what there is should be divvied up according to need.

i should print out the will. theNote should also be printed. i think i've got the latest issues on line with that, but don't quote me on it. i hate printing because i have to start the mac up and that takes about a minute. i should time the thing and see which will boot faster. i chould go off line with this one

the other side

when i woke up this morning at 3am and couldn't go back to sleep, i got up to pee.  then sat down at the computer looking up the winner of survivor.  it was in my head, but i couldn't think of the winner's name.  it's bob btw.  but then i got on irc and talked with lister, my friend from the UK.  see, irc is global.  more people should see it as it truly is.  a chat room.

anyway, i got to thinking about suicide.  and it dawned on me that early morning is the time to do it.  i don't know why that came across my head, but this is the best time to take the pills.  i would have to wakt up again at this hour to do it.  i say the pills will 'act' and do me in in 45 minutes.  or an hour. i cant remmeber how long ambien took when i took it for sleeping years back.

this time of day is like a pregnant woman just asbout to give birth.  sunrise is always been the 'cleanest' time of day for me.  i wonder who will be born on the day it happens.  i'm gamblin that it'sa boy.  it would be interesting to experience.  giving birth must be miraculous.  to die on the same day must too be miraculous life ending and life beginjing.  if ya think about all the souls that are dying today, each one of them has got a story to tell.  but only one gets heard.  our time here on earth ends, but a new beginning is about to start, for both of us.  

for the borne person, if it could talk, what would you think it would say when getting out of the womb and breathing our air for the very first time.  the person doing the dying would also experience such changeling.  i believe both events are equally wonderful experiences.  our time  here on this planet is limited by the air we breathe.  oh, and other such afflictions and diseases.  each one has a story to tell.  but only one gets heard most of the time.  if babies could only talk.

what would it say?  hm, that's a good question.  it would say that there's another life 'out there' somewhere.  i don't think we're limited to earth either.  i think the 'other side' is one and the same before we're borne, and after we die.  it's the same place.  could we be on the other side planning such thigs as our deaths?  hm, it's a thought.  we could be controlling our earthly selves on some scrabble board.  building points by landing on certain squares.  adventure for the human is for both of you to enjoy.  it's the 'other' world i'm about to step into.  and i'm going to do it with my head held high because i think i had a very good life.  i experienced just about all of the things i ever wanted to experience.  i'm hoping that my writing will live on for years after my death.  once everything on the website works.  oops.  did i jus give away the time for it to go down? 

well, lets get back to the other side for a moment.  i believe that there's another side.  see that an other side.  i'm hoping i can pass the inspection i'll have to take on the way over.  that  could take some time now couldn't it.  with my level of experience i could safely say that there is an other side to this earth.  a parallel universe that is in another dimension?  

there's all kinds of questions, and answers, and questions with NO answer.  we'll jus see which ones do and hoefully it'll pass inspection.  there are only two sides to this life/death thing.  the other side and this side parallel each other almost identically.  except on this side, all memories are erased from the brain and one gets borne as a baby.  if the baby could only talk.

i'll bet we adults could learn a thing or two from babies.  maybe they are talking to us but jus not in words.  maybe they don't have 'words' on the other side.  the baby would talk about his/her experience before being borne. oh the things it could tell us.  i think i know what it would say.  i'll bet it would speak of another side to this life.  is there suicide on the other side?  interesting question.

the thought of the 'other side' is strong sometimes.  it's stronger when i think about it.  that's for prayer time.  the other side is a mystery to us here on earth because we learn and live for only a short period of time.  our lives here on earth are but a blink of an eye.  our lives here on earth are measured and calculated on the other side.  there's some competition on the other side.  but we're not borne into a life like this on the other side.  depending on the age of the soul, one could say the soul is timeless, but it's not.  souls have a period of time to exist.  they are 'borne' somewhere and goes  through 'life' building good credit along the way.  because in the final d raw, all these things are going to get added up and you're going to account for the ones that need help . i think the 'judge' will look upon my life as one that was lived by a brave soul.

i believe that our souls are the true lives we live.  there is no pain and suffering on the other side, not like there is here on earth.  it almost calls out to ya sometimes.  but the changeover happens on a schedule, and suicide upsets the scheule of things.  the price you pay for upsetting things, depends on what sorta things you upset.  i'll know when it's time.  there's something that tells me when it's time.  maybe suicide is the way it's spoze to happen.  ever thought of that?  maybe it's supPOSed to happen?

i could answer the first one with ease.  yes i've thought about it a lot.  even since poopy started.  i've thought about the other side more since poopy started, that's for sure.  but even now, as i type away my life story here on the internet.  i'm trying to be a testator of the things i learned here on earth.  i think my cup is full.  that it's time has come upon us.  i'll know it when it v happens.  whether i act upon that, will be the million dollar question. 

suffice it to say, i've done a lot of thinking about things, both on this side, and the other side. i'm comfortable with how i view the way things are on both sides.  i think to have that insight on both sides is worth discovering.  i just hope the other side is a lot easier than this side.  will i return to earth in the future?  that's a question i tried to answer with edgar casey's tales.  i think he believed in reincarnation, if memory serves me right.  i believe that the other side is a lot easier to 'live' than the earthly lives we build., 

i also believe that cats are a way of transcending. and there were 5 kittens, no more than a few days old, that appeared on my porch a few weeks ago.  all that's left is one black kitten, who still lives downstairs in the basement.  my cat, diva, would never let me have another cat in the house.  so it's life is to live in the basement of my house.  and it's warm down there because of the furnace.  so they're not freezing in this -3 degree weather we're having.  (windchills of -11 to -22 last nite were common)  but i believe there's some religion that believes in the superstition of cats being around when death is in the air.  no?

google's editor is playing tricks on me.  so i am going to close with this.  the time is near, the exact time is close at hand.  and i hope i can write about things until that time.  and even during that time, if i'm lucky.  i plan to post right up until i can't type any more.  my friends on #mindvox will be the last ones to know me.  i've gotten some calls from those on the channel.  real nice folks they are.  voidmstr and gigi especially are close to my heart.  i'll miss them both.

but it's time i close out this post.  it's 7 am now.  i've been at this since about 430.  time to take a break.  it'd be nice if someone left a comment.  i would value that more than money.  think about it.

the afterlife, part II

wow, i just read yesterday's post.  see, i don't 'proof' these things.  proofing is for girls.  i don't like being edited either.  but i know it's necessary at times.  i did want to tslk about the afterlife..  so i'm continuing with some disscussion on the afterlife.

i think there's another life that we're all a part of.    our souls transcend from the body at death. death is the gateway in the transition onto a wonderful place.  is that place earth?  or another planet?  whereever it is, i believe it's as real as reality is.  humans are transformed apes, no?   but getting back to the topic, afterlife.  it's real.  i think we can all agree on that one.  it's wonderful.  i think most would agree on that one.  what else.  i can't think of anything i missed.

right at death i believe, you cease to exist in the physical worlld.  it'd be nice if they treated the body with some dignity.  but for that split second, there was a transition of the soul, where does it go?  it must eat something. 

the afterlife

well, the afterlife.  what a broad subject that could be.  is there life, er "life" after death?  or is death  only the dicontinuation of life?  that you cease to exist by any means.  is there really a heaven out there?  a hell?  and can God only be an alien?  these are the type of questions i really would apppreciate your answer to.  or do you believe that we have souls.  and that our soul will live on?  i would need something of physical proof of anything after death. and i'm afraid it's impossible.

i believe that we have souls.  that all of our souls are linked together by a force.  a force that is so powerful, it can move planets off their orbit.    i figure we outta consider what the afterlife is all about if for no other reason than to  satisfy that need 

more later, gotta run out the door.  i'll post more this afternoon.

the gestapo lives

so a couple of days ago, i get a knock on the door.  out there in the cold were a sherriff's deputy clutching a few papers, and a lady from mercy home care.  some supervisor or something.  anyway, i let them take me to 5 east, which is the psych ward and it's secured.  so in essence you're an inmate.

i was able to explain to the judge in a hearing the next day, that i was only writing as the character of a story i'm doing and to provoke discussion on suicide.  it was the only way i'd get out of lockup.

this an affront to free speech.  it's not like yelling fire in a theatre.  this is more like i want to talk about suicide, and i'll write as someone who's suicidal.  i basically want a record of what happens in my life.  posting rants does that for me.  i wish it didn't have to be this way, but i'm feeling pretty bruised.  mercy has also dropped my services.  didn't want possible exposure from any lawsuit after my death.  really.   first they're so concerned about my well being, and then turn around and drop all of my services (i've been with them for 8 years).

SHAME ON YOU margo neal and connie morrison.  shame on you.  you could have said we're discontinuing service with you AS SOON AS WE FIND SOMEONE ELSE.  which takes all of 5 minutes on the phone.  boy i tell ya, as soon as i heard this, i was telling my friend @ mercy -where i was from tuesday afternoon to friday morning = they thought i was suicidal before, now i'm REALLY suicidal.  gah.

frankly, i'd love to write whatever i wanna write.  but i also wanna be free and in my own house.  so is poopy worth it?  i wanna say yes.   but i think i'll wait for comments (email) to see what the census is on this   so if you wanna write me with your concerns that's fine.  i'll continue to read your mail.   but i don't know how i'm going to proceed with the posting.  i hope to come to a decision on that issue later tonite.  hopefully.

in the meantime, check out some stuff on the internet.

• Age: 1989
• Gender: Male
• Astrological Sign: Cancer
• Zodiac Year: Rat
• Industry: Non-Profit
• Occupation: Director
• Location: Manly IA : Midwest : United States
• Audio Clip

this is my profile?  heh, how do ya like my zodiac year.  rat.  hm, not even close.  oh well.  somethings we can change, and there's things we can't.  my zodiac year is like your birthday.  once a year, every year, what kind of things only happen once a year ('sides your birthday)? anniversary of something.  i have a lot of those.  something i celebrate every year for.  i used dto have twice as many before i came back to iowa.  in a small town you take what is givin ya.  heh.

oh well.  enough.  i jus wanted to make a comment.

p.s. it's my 50th post on the subject.

i'm trying to feel what it feels like as if i just took the pills.  what's that going to feel like right afterwards?  try as i might, i cant seem to get it right. am i going to feel like i would be having second thoughts on the whole thing.  like what happens when that happens?  i wonder how much longer i can stay awake.  or to call mercy 911 and get them to give you a shot of something, but it's something to ward off the effects of the ambien.  i can't remember what it's called.  but when i read about it, it was like a weight lifted off of my shoulders.

5 min into it, i would probably want to sit down and collect myself.  then realize what you have done is irreversible.  drug or no drug.  it's still in my system, so until it's not, i'll be talkative.  like i think i would have about an hour before the sleepingness took over.  my last hour on earth.  what would be the first thing you'd do?

15 min into it, i think i'd be wondering if my friends were really my friends.  the people i have come to know in this lifetime are as varied in every conceivable way.  but my friends are few and far between.  i've got a lot of acquaintances.  i think you can tell a lot about someone by just looking at who they surround themselves with.  the circle of friends, the circleS, of friends is the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.  i might have 5 people i can call a friend.  and these are people who wouldn't think twice about helping you.  i sure got a lot of the type A personalities.

60 min into it.  and i'm realizing i'm going to be going on a one way trip.  i'll not wake up from this nap.  and i get the bed ready.  then the house ready.  get things up on the laptops making sure there's a trail that any fool would follow.  hopefully they'll follow mine.  theNote is going to be a part of that trail.  and damn it if i don't have anything more to add to theNote. 

and finally, this blog.  it's been real folks.  hope you understand it.  i hope i've raised the bar in discussing suicide in this country.  the right to die folks might wanna step up.  this blog has always been about urging discussion.  of the many MANY topics that make up suicidal folks.  and not all of them are sad.  i'm not sad.  i don't have anything that's broken.  so there's nothing that needs fixing.  'sides, this blog reaches out to those i'd never heard about, or read about  anywhere.  i've looked and looked for suicidal boards and things that a suicidal person would normally look for.  i wish i had the expertise to run a bulletin board.  maybe there is one after all.  tell me about it.

and finally, really this time is it.  i'll continue to post as the time draws near.  i'm about as ready as it can get. ciao.

well, i had another visit by the good ol' folks over at mercy.  this one was a social worker.  she also had a belief in the right to die.  actually i don't know where she stood.  she was kinda all over the board on this one.  i almost felt at one point that i could open up and not lie to her.  but she made the comment that she would follow the same policy.  first, i would like to see this policy. it should be written down somewhere.  i wanna see it.

i wish i could be truthful and upfront with my friends and neighbors, and other figures in my life.  including the personnel from mercy who i deal with on a weekly schedule.  i wish i could ask my health care provider, my nurse, or my doctor, what are the mechanics on taking 400 mg of ambien, and what exactly happens to bodies discovered in a normal course of business.  what else did i have questions about.  oh yeah, i wanted to know what happens to the body right at death, and shortly thereafter.  how fast does rigor set in? do i really mess my pants?  i'll have to have a towel under my hips.  that'll work. 

it really hurts that i'm not able to talk to my doctor/nurse about death and dying.  and i don't know what to do about it.  if anything.  talking to anybody on #mindvox or #interport would only invite questions that i'm not yet prepared to answer.  i'm hoping to be on #mindvox with my last words.  and hopefully have a schedule on the laptop that'll keep me in check to do this properly. i wish i had video, but alas, it would require someone else to be in the house here, and i don't know of anybody that would allow me to do this in front of them.  people get weird when it comes to death and dying.  finding someone who's got the same outlook on death and dying that i have. it would be a godsend if ya ask me.

anyway, i'm still around tho.  getting kinda antsy of the waiting game.  it'll happen when it's supposed to happen.  exerting this much control in this state of mind could be dangerous.  flirting with the bad elements of death and dying.    

david

The boy's name David \d(a)-vid\ is pronounced DAY-vid. It is of Hebrew origin, and its meaning is "beloved".Biblical: one of the most remarkable personalities in the Scriptures. David was a shepherd, musician, poet, soldier, statesman, prophet, and king. He wroteabout half of the Psalms and very likely composed music for them as well. He is the only David mentioned in the Bible; his name occurs there more than a thousand times. Today there are variants of the name in almost every language group. Saint David (sixth century) is the patron saint of Wales. In Scotland, David was a royal name. See also Dawson and Davion. Explorer David Livingstone;actors David Niven, David Arquette, David Duchovny, David Schwimmer; baseball celebrity Dave Winfield; TV host David Letterman; musician David Bowie; soccerplayer David Beckham

Source

my first name is david.  the diaries are the David Diarieis(tm).  beloved.  that was what mahbub, another name i took (it's even tatoo'd on my forearm in arabic) meant.  beloved.   remarkable personality.  i suppose i could say i was beloved.  i was always someone's friend.  manny and i had the same relationship. weird it was.  but it worked for the time it worked.  beloved all throughout.

just thought i'd post that.

getting down there

i could do this in 48 hours if i wanted to.  that would be just about enough time to get things set so when they discover the body they'll have something to do while they wait for the authorities.  i'm going to assume she'll call the police.  and the ambulance will come and take my body to mercy.  i'm hoping linda will have enough sense to get the money and the pills and the pot out of the house before the authorities come.

i'll leave my will out on my desk and the list from theNote.  theNote became too much of a pundit on a soapbox.  so i dont think i'll print it out.  they can look at it online.  which is another problem.  i'm having difficulty getting to w.farpoint/, where i can make it to w.krak/hilda/50401/.  i am hoping that whoever gets the discovery will do it right and abide by my wishes.  i may not hang around to see for myself.  i might not get to do anything.  except cease to exist.  like just totally non-existant.  no soul.  no spirit.  no life essence.  nothing.  zip, nada.  zilch.  that would be scarier than getting tossed into purgatory.  or hell.  imagine what hell would be like. 

but i'm getting down to the wire.  i'm in a debate as to who i want to make the discovery.  right now i've got a nurse.  but i could switch it to my friend.  at least with this friend i'll get my wishes done.  like clean up the house so there's no money and that there's only prescription drugs layin around. no need to have a nurse there.  i'm sure they'll know a dead body when they see one.  i often considered what i would do should i stumble upon a dead body.  it has never happened.  in fact, the only dead bodies i've seen were at funerals.  and even then i don't like looking at it.  i'm going to be creamated so i don't have any last wishes for formal wear.

to those who are following along, we're at a point where we need to consider the possibility of not succeeding in commiting the act.  there's no definitive that says i will die if i do 400mg of ambien.  although from what i hear, death is very much a real possibility.  i'm gambling on succeeding.  and i'm going into it with that in mind.  but should i not succeed and there's some sort of rescue effort done upon my body, then i'll deal with it.  no doubt i'll be in the hospital, or the ER at least. i'll not have another opportunity like this for a long time.

i still haven't completed theNote.  http://www.farpoint.org/theNote.htm should be completed here in the next day or two.  and that's really about it.  the list of things that must be done before they rid the earth of my body is almost complete.  there's a lot of things that have to get done to end the life of David.  i think i should consider myself lucky to be able to have this opportunity to dictate what gets done at the point of death.  most let it happen in time.  i needed to control that aspect, 'sides i think i've completed my tasks handed to me by angels.  i hope someone takes the time to go through the master diary and discover the rich life i've led.  even tho it's missing some of the best years, there's still a lot to sift through my time in mason city.

i got some things that need attention.  i don't know what they are, but i know i've got some.  kinda weird how you know that.  i'm sure it'll dawn on me over the next coupla days.  hopefully i'll be able to stay on schedule.  the undefined schedule.  i'll know it when it happens.  i'll work on theNote some more.  get diva in shape for being by herself for a few days.  she's the one who needs to know i'm leaving her.  i think she has that inkling.  she's taken to me in ways she's never done before.  i think she knows something is up.

so i'll close out this post with a proverb.  keep your eyes on the prize, for it could disappear before your eyes.

i'm down to either tomorrow or a week from tomorrow.  this means either tomorrow, or after i see tsaras in rochester mayo on monday, and another visit from shelley on tuesday.  i'm also supposed to get paid back for some loans i have outstanding.  not much.  1410 on one, and 130 on another and 100 on yet another.  i don't see myself recouping the 100, but i've got a chance to get 1000 on the 1410 deal, and 100 on the 130 deal.  decisions decisions.  i could jus say fuck ya all and hang it up tomorrow without seeing a dime out of those deals.  no matter really.  i kinda would forgive some of it, but they didn't do me right in telling me about their need to extend the loan.  so when they pull that kinda shit, i say fuck it.  fork it over or get me collateral.  SOMEthing.

'sides, if i were to pull the plug tomorrow, that jus wouldn't be enough time to get everything readdy.  i need to have certain things on the computers.  i need to have the house in shape for company.  you know what i mean.  make sure diva's got food and her litter box is cleaned up.  then print out the will and maybe even theNote.  i dunno, theNote is quite long now with all those additions i did to it.  plus, doing it tomorrow is just too quick.  i could, but i kinda wanna wait.  oh damn.  would pot help make this decision?  lets see.

well, i'll close tonite's post out with a sense of anticipation.  it's almost got me in knots.  and my heart beats louder and heavier.  and i get the sense that i've lost another part of me along the way.  i'll get out of the mode i was in earlier, by saying that i have a plan. and that plan is holding strong it's position.  being able to schedule every minute of the day between njow and then would be the feat of jesters and other court comics.  there's bound to be something that'll upset the balance and one of the many tracers that are floating about.  tying that into the rhythm of the beat and holding strong the dancing of the beat.  that's what tonite's episode is about on conan o'brian i think he's in new yuork cuz jay's i la, and the cbs late late show is on the west coast 2 hours later than it shows on eastern time. central time is the only real time zone, an hour beloe eastern and 2 ahead of west coast time.  i use zulu time.  

is it up yet?

T minus.... shit.  i wouldn't be able to tell you.  that would take some planning. but if i do this, and it doesn't succeed in the objective, then i'm gonna have to deal with things.  i could plan for my exit plan for getting out of this.  but frankly, i don't see it.  this is going to continue.

most everybody i talked to today were in recoup mode.  i forgot what that feels like.  it's been  awhile since i've last expeerienced recoup mode.  they say you cant remember pain.  and i know it's been painful for me in the past, i think i would understand what it feels like.  recoup mode is how one feels after drinking assorted drinks at several of the bars in town and not remembering how you got home.  heh, oh ya, i know what it feels like. 

i'm going to do some christmas shopping tomorrow i think.  something to look foward to.  no?  no, not really.  but i think tomorrow will be the best christmas-shopping-event in years.  i'll be able to take care of a few of my gifts tomorrow, provided the stores have what i'm looking for.  i'm not one for gift-wrapping.  i don't mind paying for it, i would at least tip the person doing my gift wrapping.  what i'm getting tomorrow doesn't require gift wrapping.  or it could, i would have see the boxes.   they would wrap hannukah gifts don't they?  i think so.  Wrapping requires some liquor.  i have nothing in the house here.  another stop on the train.  oh well.

i don't know who is going to invite me, i might have a christmas that's all alone.  which heh, it's only a day.  really.  it usually follows up with hangovers.   but not this year.  i think i'll be sober or buzzed a bit this season.  heh, why am i even planning that far ahead.  i need to start facing the truth about these last few days.  i'm not  at all hurting in any way. no need to cry. it's sad only because you want it to be that way.  i feel like i need to stick with the plan.  there's a plan in place.  and i'm getting it  whittled down pretty well, so it's nice and smooth sailing from here on 

out.  if all goes and things go according to my plan, i will have made my last few days on earth a 

joy.

i need to work on some other documents, get things in order on my laptop.  finish theNote.  i don't think i'll need to do another load of laundry. what else. tuesday is the day for dr. johnson's visit in the hospital.  i don't plan on doing anything radically different just because i know when i'm going to die.  i have to manually inject it into whatever plan i have, which tells me one of two things.  which says i don't have the guts to go through with it, or that i not only plan on doing it, i'll do it.  but i'm not the hell on wheels i always thought i'd be.  oh well.  next life.