why not now?

i'm posting because i would like an answer from you.  why not now?  that could be asked of both sides of this debate.  why not now.  it's a simple question.  one that deserves attention,.  why not now could be used by someone who is contemplating suicide and by someone who expresses dissatisfaction of the whole idea.  it would mean two different things.  why not now is a perfectly legit question for both sides.

why not now.  there's probably a host of reasons why.  school tomorrow.  wanna see who wins the american idol.  family is getting together next week.  all sorts of reasons for why not now.  why not now?  because i don't feel like it.  

why not now can also be used by those that advocate suicide.  it acts as a postponing agent.  why not now causes one to think just the opposite, why now.  why now and why not now are excellent examples of thought and thinking.  too many think that suicide is done without much thinking.  i'm here to point out that is wrong.  there's a whole lot of thinking going on, if you will.

but in answer to your question, i'll part with this:  because it's my time to go.  i know it'll happen at my hand.  i've known about this for many many years and every so often i dwell upon the subject, and often find myself misunderstood.  i'm sure suicide is a personal thing with you, no?  that suicide is taboo because it is gauche?  or does suicide actually make you ill?  i find myself questioning the messenger, rather than concentrating on the message.

why not now is a question that invites another question - why now?  suicide isn't but one thing,  the end all of endalls.  something that once accomplished, is over permanently.  it's something that can not be withddrawn later.  the permanence of it makes me shiver sometimes. but there's something else that's afoot here.  i don't act like 'what the hell, i aint gonna be around to suffer any consequences' shit.

nope.  why not now has only one answer for me tonite.  and i wish i could understand and know what that answer is.  to tell you the truth, i'm too lazy to get up and go find those pills, and get myself ready for one last night.  i should think about this some more, i'm finding myself asking who ever is listening, what is it that makes me not wanna do this.  i cant put my finger on any one answer, but i can't think of anything more than one answer.  i would have to think on it some more, but right now mother nature is starting to part company.

death and dying

death and dying.  two subjects that should probably mean the same thing.  it's all about the end of life.  i think one concentrates more on the approach to that end, and death is the actual deed that constitutes the end of life.  i pretty much use the terms without much thought.  if i were to really think about death and dying, i could see myself commiting suicide.  

i figure if i were to think about it and delve really deep into the subject matter, i would be convinced that what i believed were to be the actual way it is.  when in fact, there can be no assurance of what happens at that point.  i think the process of dying holds more truth in words than what death is about.  for dying takes some time, usually.  for those who go immediately, i think they're spared the suffering that takes shape during the period of one dying.

i dont believe that suicide is wrong tho.  the process of dying is still evident in many of the reasons behind most suicidal persons' desire to kill themselves.  iow, someone who's gravely ill - it doesn't have to be terminal - who thinks dying is the only way to end the suffering.  maybe the person just feels it's his time to go and doesn't suffer prior to the event.  people with money problems for instance.  the suffering they endure may not be physical, it could be all emotional, but the suffering is there.  since that's not the case with me, i wouldn't be able to comment on what it's like for those persons.

i do believe that given enough physical suffering, there will come a time when suicide looks like the best option.  there are those who would disagree with me on that point (so post a comment  about it).  i'm a firm believer in the persons' right to die, and only he/she would be able to draw the line as to when enough is enough.  an illness that basically costs the person the dignity of living life to its fullest is cause enough to commit suicide.  and i'm sure there will be those who would disagree with me on that point.  but i believe in the fundamental right to die.  should we question the person's motives?  absolutely.  maybe they haven't thought out all the options clearly enough to be able to make such a permanent decision. 

but when the person knows and has weighed all the options to the satisfaction of himself (or herself), i think that person should be allowed to end their lives, and have it done as painlessly as possible.  i happen to live in a state that doesn't recognize the person's right to die, yet.  they will, as will all the states come to their senses on this matter.  washington and oregon have laws that allow suicide to be assisted by medical personnel.  Death with dignity has the best up-to-date information on the movement.  i salute those folks over there for their hard work on the Washington Act.

i'm sure you can find millions of websites out there about death and dying.  google returned almost 3 million sites.  i wonder if fields is one of them.  i guess i need an outlet to express what i can't do in person with the people i have around me.  i tried to check out how certain people around me felt about the subject, and they were all pretty much on the same page:  suicide is bad.  so we didn't reallky discuss it much.  there's no changing their attitudes.  a shame too.  so this is my only 'out' when it comes to right to die issues.  i wish the medical community around me were more open to discussion than what they've shown me.  i understand their position, but i don't think they understand mine.  and this is really the only way i can get some things off my chest as it were.

and something else that bugs me.  people equate dying with depression.  people don't have to be depressed in their quest to die.  i'm sure it's a decent reason for the deed, but still, one doesn't depend on the other.  i don't think i'm depressed, or suffering from depression.  sure i'm taking an anti-depressant (effexor), but i don't think it's influenced my decision much.

it's really weird feeling like i do.  i have these sensations that make me shiver sometimes.  like when i think about the moment of death where you will have drawn your last breath.  what that is like.  and try to figure out what exactly happens at that point.  i've read some people's interpretations of various religious texts, but since i'm a man without religion (i was raised catholic but haven't been to mass in more than 15 years).  i'm not one to get too involved in other people's religions.  my belief system is a hard one to articulate.

anyway, i'm done for tonite.  i'll post again tomorrow (or the next day) - if i make it that long.

new look

some of you might have noticed already, but poopy has a new look.  nothing radical really, just tweaking the ad sense agreement.  i have none, or so i thought.  my publisher ID is some  long ass number (it's in my phonebook tho).  so they're having to send something to somebody.  right?  i wonder if the irs would catch this as a red flag.  i dunno.  i figure what the hell.  but i've gotta say.  i've never had a bounced check.  that's because i keep good records.  can't really say good can i.  i lost a bunch of information.  all of 2002 it seems.  has gone away to lala land.  i have the master which covers most of 2000, and all ove 2001, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, and 2008, well, up to halloween 2008.  but that's a lot of information.  i cant remember the exact number, but it's like almost a decade's worth of life.  it might not have been the glamorous life, nor much of a life at all.  that was the point of moving to mason city from new york.  change of rhythm.

well, i got what i paid for on that front.  walking in mason city isn't like walking in new york.  everybody drives around here.  but in new york, we walked or took public transportation.  but it was different enough that i thought i'd get away from what was obviously a problem that went whereever i went. the problem was me.  if there was a problem.  dealing with the health issues i have doesn't excuse me from doing what i did.  and if you think you're going to get me to confess to something, don't hold your breath.  i am divulgoing only what is pertinent to the story.

back to the issue at hand.  getting away from new york.,  and i got away.  way away.  if ever there was a counter-new york, it would be mason city.  i dunno why. the justice system around here is pretty new yorkish.  unless you don't believe law & order.  anyway, i got away from other new yuorkers, but stuck with the new york Q, er the new yorker david.  i brought back some or anything i could think of, as long as it was from new york.  and on and on i went with the partying and getting hit by the police pne time for public intox.  that was dean's funeral.  i got drunk and tried to drive home.  ya wuld think i'm a stalwart supporter of drunk driving laws.  i ammm, but not for the reason you might think.  but suffice it to say, i learned a little bit about mason city justice.

it wasn't until the last coupla years, actually, since my father's funeral.  i remember it like it was yesterday.  the day i took a major turn around, and for no apparent reasoning or supportive system in place.   didn't have to go to any meetings or anything of that sort.  it wasn't the 12 step program - i know about those things.  but ever since my dad's funeral (in 2005 i think it was).  i can't search the obits on globegazette.com.  i don't like their site very much.  had to read.  even with the text way up there.  anyway, i came to mason city to bring internet into the midwest.  i went around and got people online.  if they didn't have a computer, i would build them one.  but i got 'em all online and excited about the future.

the goin was good, as they say,.  i then got sick, and have been wrong ever since.  sickness can do some pretty fierce things to the body.  i went from a healthy 195 to a paltry 153.  and that's with shoes and jeans on.  so living like i've been most of my life was out of the question.  i came to mason city because i thought it would be ideal, and it is.  only thing is i don't have a family in the traditional sense.  my family are neighbors.  good solid neighbors that haver been my neighbors for as long as i've been here. neighbors who would be right there when you need them.  those kinda people are the folks like to surround myself with.

but my time is up.  i can't stop thinking about that.

so, what's next?

a very good question that is.  what's next?  if i choose to write about certain things that are 100% cyber, i have to watch what i say.  the thoughts that have been expressed herein are mine, of course.  and so far, there has been little to no physical evidence of any kind.  but really, what's next?  and what did it do to free information?

i know i'd like to discuss the subject suicide.  it's a subject matter that begs discussion.  openly, fairly, and unabashful.  only through truth shall we live to be free.  free to think any damn thing we want.  free to discuss any damn thing we want.  suicide happens to depressed people.  depressed people do not need to do suicide.  but one does not need to be depressed to commit suicide.

if these are radical beliefs, what am i to do?  since i don't asssociate much beyond one person a week.  heh...  that's gotta take it's toll.  but, there's shelley from mercy, on tuesdays, and either linda or bob through the week call or come over.   mercy just changed the rules and now clients are no longer allowed to ride along to do food shopping.  bad policy imho.  but that's about all the excitement i get from people who are real people. 

but i would like to resume and pick up where i left off.  i'd like to continue the 'countdown'.  hopefully i'll generate a response from someone.  that's the whole point.  generate disucssion of this taboo subject matter.  whatever your beliefs on death are, i'm sure i'd like to hear your version.  email me or by commenting on this post.