well, if you're still reading this, understand one thing.  understand that i am merely writing what comes to mind.  i think about it only after it's been mentioned.  what gets said here is from a part of me that wants to die.  there's another part of me tho, that needs to live.  balancing the two is how the game is played.  to live, one only needs to breathe.  to die however, even with the different ways of it happening, to die is a one way street.  when you die, you die.  when you live, you also live.  but you can do so much more when you live.  and death is only a part of life .. the part that makes eveything else seem as if it didn't matter.  tnot a care in the world for the way you live your life.  like mtm tossing her hat in the beginning of the mary tyler moore show.

i think it's the permanence of it that must be weighed in by about 3 times.  take for instance, when one is suicidal, yet isn't really ready to 'die', how much weight would you equate the event with?  would you put more weight on the isssue because .of it's permanence?  i think i've  already made clear that you don't absolutely gotta have it, depression.  without depression, how can one be suicidal?  i can only answer that i'm not depressed.  or i might be and i don't know it.  it's kinda hard to take a good look at yourself when you live alone.  i used to have a floor-length mirror, made me tall and thin.  :)

death is such a taboo word it seems.  one must be a believer or a non-believer.  power over your death is the ultimate power.  the ability to say you know when you're going to die has got to ignite something down there.  death to me is, i think it is when you crossover onto another plane of existence.  your soul, or whatever you wanna call it, but the essence of life that exists beyond existence...  whatever you wanna call it, is very real.  not touchey feely, but real nonetheless, non-depression, or whatever you wanna call it, can be anything.  it doesn't have to be but a few things.  being real has got to mean from the heart.  if one would leave the thinking processes alone, then we'd all be living in a better world.

i haven't been giving too much thought about the instant i die, what happens, and how long does that last.  i'd like to know what transpires right at that moment when breathing stops and eyes close, and the heart stops.  i always wondered, can people feel their own heartbeat?  i do.   reflections such as that happen with greater frequency.  

well, i guess i've taken uip enough of your time.  thanks for sticking around.  read on and take into consideration that you're passing throgh time backwards. 

right now, right here

what's that song, right now right here?  i keep going over the same stanza of this song that has right now right here in it.  but i don't know the name to the tune.   there's some hits on right now, right here, and maybe i just have it ass backwards.  but it's a tune i can't get out of my head.  

it's not the song i was thinking of, but since hearing right here right now i've grown fond of that song.  the links are to some fatboy slim tunes and videos.  anyway, this song is a nice piece done by fatboy slim.  they have another tune i like, i don't know the name of it, but i do recognize the name fatboy slim.  i don't know music like i used to when i was in the business. 

suicide isn't on my mind today.  probably good too because i would hate to have to feel that way until it happens.  i really don't wanna make a big deal about it either.  nor do i want something after the event.  i did think about it earlier today tho.  it's an event that crys out for understanding.  i get the chills once in a while.  a *shiver* happens when i hit the nail on the head.  right now right here is a perfect expression for what i'm going through.  things mean a lot more - obviously.  

what will i miss most?  that's hard to say. i would have to say diva, hands down.  her health and keeping are my main concern.  i trust my friend pete who agreed to take her when that time comes.  but her future is very much a concern for me, a point that could derail this whole trip.  if i let it.  it wouldn't be hard to not to.  her love and prrr will be missed.  i could shed some tears on the issue.  but i won't.

suffice it to say, there's reason out there for both sides of this debate.  both sides are correct when the reason is bisexual.  that was hard to express.  i say bisexual because of the way both sides are right.  this isn't a male/female thing, nor is it a macho man thing.  in fact, sex hasn't played a part in my decision making processed in 2 years or more.  jan of 2005.  the day of dad's funeral to be exact. listening to bothsides, when actually, the only one whose thoughts matter is myself.  if i were to listen to anybody else, i would feel not in control.  i like control.  control group was the name of my company back in 81.  since then, i've been totally asexual... something i should be proud of, things just don't have the same aura they oince had.  but that's just growing up and getting grey.  is it ay or ey?

when i think about the suicide thing, i get into one of these modes that sees nothing else along the way.  very narrow-sighted.  i think there's a term for that, god help me i don't know what it is.  but if and when i think about suicide, i don't get depressed.  and i didn't have any tears - until tonite.  not full-fledged tears, but water in the eye tearing up.  i'll miss a lot more than i thought about.  and i'm afraid if i continue to dwell on those issues i may not get the job done.

when is still unknown.  i know it'll be a few more days.  i keep feeling like i'm going to get into getting out of it, i doubt that i'll have any issues that haven't been through online here, and i am using fields as a means of bouncing back with comments, even though they're not online, i do know that there have been hits.  i was just hoping for more comments i guess.  i know there was a period of time when the page was private, but that didn't last too long.  i got the weblogs the other day and ran them through one of those loggers that you can find almost anywhere on the web ...  didn't really tell me anything i didn't know or was interested in.  it was nice seeing the referrer stats.  that made reading the report more interesting.

but back to when.  i'll know it when it arrives.  i'll jus sit up and say, it's time.  and then i'll proceed to the bedroom.  taking these pills, all 40 of them, could pose to be a bit more difficult than i think.  thank god they're small tablets.  it'll make taking them more easy.  then after i down the pills, i would probably check the house one last time.  make sure the back door is locked, and the kats, and yes, wilth a K, out in the porch are fed and have dinner in their dish.  i should just put out the bag, but then i'll have every cat in the neighborhood coming over.  it is thanks giving.  i spoze i could tolerate it for a day.  buster and blacky have been getting milk from me in addition to special kitty food.  diva doesn't like me doing that but she's got no choice.  

on my last time through the old house, there's a lot of memories in this house.  i don't have pictures much, on the mac i have face.jpg and a sequence of that every other day or so.  i spoze if i ran them alol through a sequencer, they could account for a good portion of my life.  i would turn on the tv, and get into bed.  falling asleep could prove interesting.  i would think, taking 40 sleeping pills, that i would jus gently fall asleep, and let the good times roll.

when?  i dunno.  stay tuned.  i'll post here with my last dying breath.

a real rant

what's a man supposed to feel, 48 hours before his death.  knowing what time you go has got to be a gift.  i doubt everybody can do that.  but having that knowledge has got to lead to some advantages in life.  just think, you won't be around to see your next credit card bill.  you won't have to pretend any more.  all that is in the future for me for sure is sleep.  hopefully i won't awaken before the event  .  provided i can get to sleep in the first place.

but knowing the time of your death has got to be a real gift.  i won't be able to tell the difference it'll make.  i think it was 1984 or so when i had my vision of dying.  i saw how it was to die.  and felt it.  it felt cold.  it was like a cold wave of water came over me.  talk about *shiver*ing.  death was real cold and that was the big and most important thing i remember from that vision.  although it told me that the manner in which my death occurred.  and that was by hanging.  i was going to die by hanging.  i'm of the belief like that of my most recent visions i go by drug overdose.   now whether that meant suicide, or accidental, i don't know.  i am unable to recall much more than a few tidbits of knowledge from that event.  and i call it an event only because of the lasting effect it had on me.

but it's getting close.  close to the day of the event.  my heart is pounding rather hard right now.  i think maybe i should learn something.  just what that is is beyond me right now.  i thought i had a darn good education, and applied learning techniques to most of my active and productive life.  i was always eager to learn new stuff.  made me a good candidate for something, i jus never really found out what.  ya know, ya think you've lived a good life because you don't harm or wish harm to one's neighbors.  'sides, i hate fights.  boxing too.  and this ultimate fighting they got goin now, is way out of my league.  i was most comfortable in the navy.  

i figure i have a while yet before the event.  i can't put my finger on any date, yet.  i'll post in here and hopefully make this blog the last online thing i do.  i have mIRC and sit on #mindvox, and #interport. i'm  not real active as you can see.  

i was able to watch history in the making.  walking on the moon.  the tearing down of the berlin wall... of the computer.  just think where we would be without the computer.  i know i'd be lost to high heaven if i didn't have my box.  my life is on that box.  mess with that and you're messin with my livelihood. 

the computer tho has affected us all in such a way that has yet to be defined.  the computer is credited with having saved countless lives.  it's affect on humanity is global in nature and extremely individualistic.  there are lessons to be learned in almost every corner.

take 9/11, a tragedy of the highest order.  i have my #mindvox log for several hours on that morning.  it still gives me the *shivers*.  i think because i was watching cnn or msnbc that morning.  i wish i had diary that went back that far, but alas, 2000, june is the first of my diaries, but i still have the 1986-2008 years.   but 9/11 will always stick in my mind as something you experience and hope you never repeat it.  the world trade center was my backyard for a few years.  I lived across the street from the american stock exchange.  the building i moved out of was torn down later in 2001, as it was almost destroyed under the WTC debris.  it was another one of those god's saving me for some reason events.

oh the memories.  they seem to flash before my eyes, and there's little i can do about it.  i think i'm reliving (in feeling) moments from my time here on earth, and 9/11 stands out and about as high as the day i went into the navy.  that's when i became david schmidt again.  nehemiah mahana just disappeared.  but that's for another day.

i'm giving it about 5 days before i go.  that'll put me into saturday, and that's not one of the days i remember expressing.  so figure next wednesday.  this planning like this, produces a strange feeling/sensation.  not quite *shiver*, but not as cold.  i wonder, how is one supposed to act in my position?

i just hope none of you go off your rocker and get all excited and tell me that i shouldnt do it, and give me reasons from here to the setting sun why, but since it's not illegal, and one can not simply call up the sherriff and have him arrest an individual and put him/her into the nearest psych ward.  but since it's legal, i don't see the harm in writing about it.  i think that's why i'm here.  to write about my experience.  at least make it known that there is dignity in death this way.  suicide isn't always a depressing event.  not to me it's not.  many people would argue with me on that front.  but i have maintained that i'm going to go into this with my head held high and as knowledgable 

so please, if you've got some constructive criticism, by all means email me.

oh wow

something that hit me like a ton of bricks.  in iowa, suicide is not illegal.  i think only assisted suicide is.  but there is no law on the books outlawing suicide.  i searched the 2007 code here.

that's enlightening.  i'm also told that in order for 2 people to forcibly commit another person to the psych ward, one needs approval and a judge's signature to do it.  since i have a decent lawyer, i can't see that happening.  so that little show of force the other day was just that, a dog and pony show.  and i fell for it.

but never again.  famous last words wouldn't ya say?

correction

oh my bad.  i have diaries online that go back to february of 1986.  so it's not 1984, like the movie.  1986 is the beginning of one of my lives.  and i think i went through several lives from that period to 2000.

and the doctor said, part deux

went to see dr. johnson today.  got right in and right out for a total of 20 minutes tops from walk-in to walk-out.  the fastest i've seen yet.  but i couldn't talk to him about suicide.  had i even mentioned it he would certainly have called upstairs and get me committed.  i really believe that, and am sadded that i couldn't tell him the real story.  i feel like i need some guidance from the medical community.  i'm already connected to the spiritual community, to the extent i want, and am seeking counsel on the physical side of things.  like the mechanics of ambien.  how does it work, and what would it take to produce a coma, and general things like that.  the need for more information is the driving force behind my questions.

i don't know what i'd say to my doctor.  i'd ask him about ambien.  and whether or not one can be dead, but still having a heart beat.  what about breathing, and things that deal with the lungs.  what stops the breathing?  would the heart go first? or the lungs?  i still have yet to find answers to a lot of questions i have, mainly about death, but dying (heh, death and dying, didn't i make a post about that?) and the mechanics of it all.  

the very fact that i couldn't open up with my doctor only proves my point:  we need more dicussion about it.  suicide is something strictly personal, and only one soul affected.  i believe in laws that provide the right to die, instead of laws that would criminalize suicide.  i'm not sure where iowa stands on this, but if i'm dead, how would i be affected won't matter.  still, i'm curious now.  something to do.

but getting back to my doctor's appointment today... my doctor is really a cool ass dude.  he's always been there for me for the last 10 years.  we've built up a nice relationship, and he was going to keep me even though he's letting go of about a hundred (or more) patients to pursue this new center for diabetes.  i guess they're holding off on moving him right now, and it's been pushed back to january from what i gather (i spoke with melinda).  but who knows. they'll probably never get it done, although i have to admit, having that valet there in winter has got to be one of the best things mercy's done in the last 5 years.

even though my appointment lasted less than 10 minutes, i can see why, he's only charging me 45 bucks.  or something like that, i get this monthly thing.  it tracks my prescription and my medical use.  it's a nice package. i record everything. i've got diaries that go back to 1984.  i think it's 84.  i was going to put them all on the web, and got only into the 4th book.  check it out.

so medical care in this community while needing improvements, has come a long way.  i find the majority of personnel there caring like they should be.  one can always expect to be taken seriously when dealing with mercy.  if i were to rate it overall, i'd give it a 7.5.  out of 10.  what do i like about them the most?  i'd have to say their approach to an issue.  you always know where they stand on things. that's not to imply there's nothing that gets in below radar.  they pride themselves of making the top 100 hospitals in the nation.  as they should. but between them and the mayo clinic?  they're about the same.  mayo is also world renowned.  holding up mercy to that standard would be unfair.  so take it with a grain of salt, it's only my opinion.

suffice it to say, i'm comfortable and relaxed when i deal with mercy.   and they're it for medical care in north iowa.  there's mayo 90 miles away, but that's only quarterly.  december 8th is my next appt there.  whether or not i make it really depends on several things. and i go back to johnson in 2 weeks - this is the 2nd time in as many weeks that he's seeing me.  even though he's been all smiley and shit, one would get the sense that he's the joking type because he has this smile on him all the time.  if johnson were with some other organization or on his own even, i would go to whereever he went.  he'd keep me as a patient until i die, even though it'll be sooner than he thinks.

the only thing i dislike about mercy is the fact that they can not handle this discussion.  hence, i post alot about it in here, plus there's the ability to deny the truth.  not that i would lie, but i may not offer the whole truth about things, and request that i be respected in that manner, not classify me as a psycho in need of psychiatric intervention.  being locked up on 5 east is just something that would not help matters any.  in fact i could be forced to take matters into hand and do something i'm not planning on.  but telling the truth to mercy just isn't a possibility at this time.  i'm hoping that their dealings with me may change that.  i do have that therapist's card, ---  see what i mean?  there's no email address on her business card.  just one of those things they didn't think about.  that's ok, i have the email address of that therapist, lee-ann nelson i think her name is.  nice lady.  gave me that life is like a river explanation link.  

well, i think i've taken up enough of your time tonite.  thanks for hangin with me.  i'll be back.

so far this week

remember when i almost got locked up last week?  well, in that event i agreed to see one of their therapists.  in behavioral services.  or the psych ward.  she was keen on believing me when i told her that this was all a misunderstanding.  it was.  and some.  since i only have one more doctor appointment, tomorrow, i don't have anything on the calendar until december 8th, when i go to mayo.  of course, i kept that to myself.  i hold my freedom as a precious commodity.

anyway, i'm in this lady's office and she's asking thousands of questions, it was like the only thing she didn't ask me was how big i was.  really.  talk about 20 questions.  this was like 60 questions.  everything under the sun it seemed was important.  and i understood, and was growing tired of the answers.  but she did pass along a nice link for me on the subject of death.

http://www.near-death.com/experiences/research01.html.  life is a river it seems.  ya, i can see that.  i've never made the comparison before but it's right on the money.  

i'm commited to nothing right now.  and it's an experience i used to relish.  i have nothing that is keeping me around to hold on to.  or to look foward to.  kinda empty actually.  tomorrow, i should be expecting much of the same as today, only with someone i've never seen before.  so it'll be interesting.  and i can't very well ask that she find the body.  so thursday is best for discovery.  that means a wednesday is best to do it on.  so we're back to wednesday.  funny how that keeps happening.  something else, i can't remember now how wednesday came up.

that's tomorrow.  dear.  to morrow ?  this has me thinking of the possibilities.  of the possible postponement?  funny how that's not the thing that's most on my mind right now.  but tomorrow would be a feat i think only hercules could perform.  and i am no hercules.  not tonite.  but tomorrow, i'll go see johnson, and play the game.  then come home and be miserable with this fuckn pain in my left leg, and pop more methadone - i'm taking 45 10mg tablets ... a day.  enough said.

but this week is still in the playing field.  get beyond tomorrow, and i'll have to forge ahead for 7 more days.  i should probably take this private, but i'll keep it public ... for now.  am i close?  i'm close.  like in horseshoes...  not a ringer, but still worth the throw.