it's still on my mind

suicide is still on my mind.  how can it not be?  the subject matter is something that screams exploration.  since there's really little we know about it, and it's all one-sided.  nobody's been able to define with proof, what it's like on the other side.  death in an of itself is only an event, that lasts hopefully just little time.  death is something that lasts only as long as it takes to travel from this side to the other side.  without knowing where the other side is, it would be iimpossible to determine how much time it takes to make the transition.  i think sleep is borderline event horizon.  when one is sleeping, one is experiencing other realities.  our dreams are more than thought processes.  i think once i fall asleep, and then dying because my heart stopped, or whatever the mechanics of such a death would be.  does my heart just stop beating?  or do i stop breathing first?  i don't know what other actions would be possible under those circumstances.  as long as i didn't wake up before the event, i'll be happy.  even if i do wake up before the event.  that would really be something to write about.

i'll keep posting here as long as possible.  i don't anticpate any downtime until that time.  so as long as i'm posting you can rest assured, i'm still breathing.  i may not post every day, but i'll try.  my cat, Diva is pawing at me now, so let me go attend to her.

i'm trying to feel what it'll feel like come the night of my demise.  in those very last hours, what is it going to feel like?  i can almost put myself in those shoes.  i think there's a natural barrier there, and i need to deal with that.

i'm not shivering like i was earlier (in post terms), shivering really hits me when i feel things.  i know when i was imaginging laying on the bed, what would be going through my mind at that very moment.  i think the reason i don't have a problem talking about it is because of the way i believe.  and to live that life, it would require a fine share of control and attitude.  Death to me is nothing more than a change in life, if you will.  does life embrace death?  i think so.  i think life and death are two sides to the triangle.  purgatory is the other side of that 3some.

so that's what i believe.  what do you believe?  lets get some discussion going on here.

moving on

i must admit, i was completely taken when i heard some of the comments about this site.  i didn't know , so many of you cared enough.  but i think i'll just keep on posting the way i've been posting.  

i still think of suicide and what happens before, during, & after.  i mean to really feel what it will feel like, is still worth discovery.  like when i got the chills the other day.  shivering like that can only happen when the truth is discovered and it's totally different from what would normally be thought to be.  i mean, figure you feel you know the truth about your boyfriend.  and then you discover that your boyfriend was just using you for your money.  and it blindsides you cold.  that's gotta hurt.

well, figure it this way.  should i go, i would like to have known that i did it in good company.  i don't have any issues with anybody i know, which i guess is pretty rare.  but should i go, i would hope to have told at least some of you, and let you get your peace said in private.  what really got me was how much people thought of me as a person.  i don't make friends very well.  nothing really, i jus don't put myself in public very often.  tuesdays used to be my day of dealing with the public.  but now i don't have that, i can only get my public attention is thru my blog, right here.  i answer my email, whenever i get something from someone who i wish to communicate with.  and that's basically been about everyone lately.  i'm on a lot of lists and i get junk shit, but i do skim what they are, and know that i'm not throwing out messages i would like to answer.

given that, that's not to say i don't want to commit suicide.  i've mentioned december 15.  that was just a date i pulled out of my hat.  it has no bearing on anything.  none of the things that are scheduled for me, like a doctor or an eye doctor, or the dentist.  i jus have one appointment, then i have to go to rochester mayo clinic on december 8th i think.  i would say that it'll be my last visit with this new doctor, dr. tsaras i guess his name is.  a nice guy, but not one that'll understand my head. he's too clinical.  the doctor before his was even more scary.  ordered every test under the sun on me one time.  i went thru it all too.  finally said something and it stopped.  about the same time i got the new doctor.  hm.  coincidence?  never thought about it that way.

no, december 15 is just a date i pulled out of air.  thin nothingness air.  the way i feel right now though i could go to bed tonite and not think twice about it.  it would almost be done automagically.  without thought.  i like that word, automagically.  it has one of those high ideals associated with it that it just rolls off the tongue real nice.  automagically.  it's easy to type too.  that's important.  especially when i idont go back and correct myslef.  myself.  i'll jus type the new version. the reader will understand.  it's david writing.

so, i'm left with survivor.  that's enough reason to commit suicide ...  think they're not going thru hell over there?  i could never go through what those players are going through.  anyway, time's up anyway.  my vision of time is important to understand, to underswtand me.  understand.  i have an erotic sense about time.  if you can understand that, you're better than i thought.  really.  erotic time?  time can be erotic.  i dont mean hardon erotic.l  i cant get a hardon any more.  a sad thing come to think of it. but i've gotten to the age where sex isn't what i've always made it to be.  talk about whore.  you're looked at the biggest whore this side of the mississippi.

enough about that.  back to the subject.  how much time before my end.  that's debatable, i would think.  up until now i hadn't really thought about making it public.  i've lived such a public life in the past, but at least i've kept my name out of a lot of shit i suppose.  but my timje has about arrived.  i can feel it.  i know what i have to do.  and to succeed in doing that, i may have to put on a face about things.  unless they're an avid reader of my blog, i expect i'll get my act toghether before long and do what is expected of me.  doctor appointments, nurse appointments, mhc appointments.  i've got a calendaer that i rely heavily upon.  i don't study the thing like, i would hav eto check it to determine if i would be able to keep a certain appointment.  i think i put a tag into december 15th's space.  sorta a reminder.

enough about that.  i'm starting to heed the call of myy soul and get off this computer for 5 minutes.  so enough about that.  i'll just close this out by saying later.

clarifications

seems a page of clarifications is in order here.

1.  let it be known by all that this latest subject matter is just that.  subject matter.  do not confuse this with anything other than that.

2.  let it be known that pete gomez is a friend of mine through linda, his sister.  he has offered to take Diva upon my death.  that in itself is worth a thousand words.

3.  let it be known that i get my pot through another pete.  pete conner.  the two shouldn't ever be in the same sentence.

any questions?  email me.

and thanks to everyone who expressed concern.  it's nice to know there are people out there who give a rats ass.

suicide, part tres

the question this evening is:  Where does the soul go upon death?

and the answer to that would be nobody knows.  at least they aren't 100% sure.

i'd like to think i know that way i can feel comfortable about commiting suicide.  if i couldn't feel comfortable about this, it would be reason enough to not carry it out.  plain and simple.  this is a decision that must be made with the heaviest of minds.

No, this decision has got to be made with all the faculties one has.  it's such a permanent decision, it can not afford to be wrong.  and by wrong, i mean wrong time, wrong situation, wrong picture basically.  if i were to define a picture, i would see one who was in full control of his actions and thoughts.  i might smoke a joint on that night, only to demonstrate that things are fine.  but who knows.

This magnitude of this decisino is beyond anything else on earth.  the permanence of it should indicate a serious thought on what will happen in those final hours.  it'll be the hours before the consumption of the pills and the time for them to act, give it 4 hours, or less.  i can usually go to sleep in about an hour, or less.  and that's without any help.  help such as these pills should make it in about 4 hours.  i'm getting the chills now.

i could stop right there.  and did (there's a commercial on right now, i'm watching ncis, a very good show btw).  but now i should just sign off without defining what my reason for posting tonite was.  i thihk i made my point when i said the chills were happening.  but back to the decision of doing it.  i try to make myself feel, really feel, what it would be like in a certain setting.  4 hours before nodding off for the final time is such a prolific event that to imagine it even, produces a coldness that makes me shiver.

i think i still need to define why.  why commit suicide.  why go through with it once and for all.  and unlike most people, i don't try searching for things that need fixing.  the whole what's wrong attitude is not one i would have.  

noiw that commerical is on again, i forgot what i was talking about.  lemme read that.   oh yeah, why.  i don't think i'll ever define why.  i could give a number of reasons why i shouldn't commit suicide, but i can name more for the advocate side.  if i were to weigh the reasons, i would say the advocate side would win.  almost hands down.  it's a slam dunk.  i spoze i could name some reasons, anad maybe i'll start thinking about it soon.  i have a little over 1 month, 5 weeks or so..  Diva just got up now too, so i have to tend to her.

Why commit suicide?  because it's time.  it's my time.  i'm beginning to believe that more and more as time rolls on.  i was always made to end my life.

 

i have a host of other reasons too, but that was the most important one.  suffice it to say, i'm just tired.  i'm tired of dealing with things the way they currently are.  but i'm tired of it all because i'm in this rut if you will.  it's a rut that i've been in for over a year.  maybe more.  but certainly since i got sick this summer.  remember, my birethday this year was spent on the proctologist's table, out like a light, and god knows what really happened in that room that day.  i don't have any pain arising from that procedure, but i do remember being there.  and it think that's what started this whole suicide thing.  when i started getting better.  comparatively, i feel good.  i still weigh in at 150 or 152.  i think i registgered a 154 at one time.  i haven't weighed myself since last thuirsday for, or did she come on wednesday, ya, wednesday last week.  i weighed in 153 i think.  anyway, i can't gain weight to save my soul.  no pun intended.  putting on weight would give me a reason to live.

i'll explore both sides in the coming days. it'll be interesting to see where it goes.  i cant tell you now because i won't know until i write it down.  funny how that works out.  there's a lot of disvoery going on.  both insidight to my inner self, and vision on what to expect 24 hours from now.  commercial's over.

%2006%

i'm so used to putting the time down, that's my field marker for the timefield.  commercial is on.  so i'm taking a break too.  actually i take a break when the tv is good.  and i'm getting into the mentalist now.  that was central standard time.  anyway, the question tonite is why.

why would anybody want to kill themselves?  i couldn't answer for anybody else, but i could give a good reason why with me.  i want so bad to know what the hell happens at that moment you draw your own last breath.  since i'm going to be sleeping, it'll depend on how fast i can fall asleep.  but i'll expect to fall asleep and never again getting up.  that's kinda hard to swallow come to think about it.  i don't see any problem getting to sleep tho.  i'm not shivering like i was earlier.

i'll close this out by saying the reasons behind committing suicide are plentiful.  and i'll delve into them individually later on.  but suffice it to say (i like saying that), my reasons are logical, and real.  as soon as i do another joint, i'll be able to say more.

questions yet unanswerd

there's a few questions that should be answered before committing suicide.  maybe i'll get them answered before 12/15, and i'm using that date loosely.  i'm just going to continue to add questions as i see them.  i'll post answers to them when they get answered.

1.  What happens the moment you die?

2.  Does it really matter if you live a good life?

3.  Is there a God?

i doubt i'll get them answered.  it's as if there are answers to these questions. then who would have them?  i would have to speak with a ghost before i can say assuredly that they were right.  who wo9uld be able to answer that?

#2's question should be a given.  living a good life should be the goal of all people.  and i mean good as in believing that you've done good things during your time on earth.  weighing the bad things, and there were certainoly some very very bad things, with the good things, and there were even more good things than bad things.  

is there a god.  really.  my idea of god could be summed up in a short phrase.  it's like the question, is there a soul.  can't have one without the other.    i think they're one and the same.  i would never define Him as a soul, but i would define a soul as being God.  or part of God. i think it's the whole human race as a whole is what makes God, a God.  notice i capitalize it.  and Him.  He also would be capitalized. i have respect for my soul.  just exactly what happens once the heart stops beating and i stop breathing, is anybody's guess.  there's no way of knowing without a doubt what happens.  one can weigh in with their thoughts about it, but there are no facts to get excited about.  it's not a fact that i'm going to die with 30 pills in me.  it's not a fact that when i stop breathing that i won't breath again.  i doubt i will, but who knows.  He could stop it if He wants to.  whether He will will depend heavily on how things go bertween now and (i'm going to use a date very loosely here) december 15.  i'll know if He's stopping me from proceding.  and i'll respect the decision as if He were saying it aloud.  but i don't see that happening.  He would have made known His objections, and i've listened carefully to other things He's said.  He doesn't talk to me that often, but when He does it usually means it's serious enough to change what i'm doing.  but i should have died at least once (the coates' house fire in kansas city, mo.  i cant remember the year, i think it was 79?  jan of 1978  google has anumber of articles that came back.

but back to the reason i'm posting.  because i did a joint.  really.  but back to the business of suicide.  i suppose i'll come up with other questions, and hopefully i'll get them answered without a lot of shit.  actually, i'm quite bliss about the whole thing.  i don't have that forward thinking i usually have.  i am treating this event as if it's another show, with an audience.  i can hardly wait to tell you the truth.  i have this urge to do it now and be done with it all.  but there's still things i wanna have.  one of them is knowing who makes president.  who won the election.,  i need to know that.  plus there's this business of going to rochester again.  that's on december 8th, so i figure 15 isn't far beyond that.  and it would give me with the necessary time to put things in order.  there's still things that have got to be done right before i go.  things like money things.  i'll let whoever discovers my body will have theNote to read.  and hopefully i'll have my will printed out for easy viewing.  i doubt i'll be able to use fields of poopy as my vehicle of information to the proper authorities.  there's things i want done upon my death, and those are spelled out in either the will or theNote.  theNote is a time elapsing document.  it updates like fields does.

i'm debating still on whether or not i'll do a joint on the night.  i think i will.   but i could change my mind the night of the event.  it'll not deter me from doing it, i don't think it will.  getting buzzed only enhances my experience, be it posting, or watching television.  i usually have to do something tho.  just sitting around being stoned isn't my idea of fun.  but heh, i'm not saying i couldn't have fun with myself, but i generally don't see my life as being full of fun,.  to tell you the truth, i wish like hell i was better and able to go out and run around as if i was perfectly healthy and capable of being more a social person than i am.  i'm a real loner.  i enjoy my time to myself, even if it is 24 hours a day.  when mercy home care comes on tuesdays and thursdays, they're my only contact with other people.  sad isn't it.  i see linda every so often, and she's really a nice lady.  we go out to dinner usually when we meet up.  and i don't mind paying all the time.  she's always been there for me when i needed to go to the vet.  she was there getting groceries for me.  she's always been there if i ask her.  pete's that way too, i'm sure, although i've never asked pete for anything.  

anyway, i'll post more about my intent to commit suicide.  since it's not a depressing thing for me, i don't mind posting my feelings about it.  and how i think i might take my life.  sorta like a record of what goes on behind closed doors.  i'm just grateful for blogger.com to exist.  a way to live on beyond the date of death.