i'm trying to feel what it feels like as if i just took the pills.  what's that going to feel like right afterwards?  try as i might, i cant seem to get it right. am i going to feel like i would be having second thoughts on the whole thing.  like what happens when that happens?  i wonder how much longer i can stay awake.  or to call mercy 911 and get them to give you a shot of something, but it's something to ward off the effects of the ambien.  i can't remember what it's called.  but when i read about it, it was like a weight lifted off of my shoulders.

5 min into it, i would probably want to sit down and collect myself.  then realize what you have done is irreversible.  drug or no drug.  it's still in my system, so until it's not, i'll be talkative.  like i think i would have about an hour before the sleepingness took over.  my last hour on earth.  what would be the first thing you'd do?

15 min into it, i think i'd be wondering if my friends were really my friends.  the people i have come to know in this lifetime are as varied in every conceivable way.  but my friends are few and far between.  i've got a lot of acquaintances.  i think you can tell a lot about someone by just looking at who they surround themselves with.  the circle of friends, the circleS, of friends is the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.  i might have 5 people i can call a friend.  and these are people who wouldn't think twice about helping you.  i sure got a lot of the type A personalities.

60 min into it.  and i'm realizing i'm going to be going on a one way trip.  i'll not wake up from this nap.  and i get the bed ready.  then the house ready.  get things up on the laptops making sure there's a trail that any fool would follow.  hopefully they'll follow mine.  theNote is going to be a part of that trail.  and damn it if i don't have anything more to add to theNote. 

and finally, this blog.  it's been real folks.  hope you understand it.  i hope i've raised the bar in discussing suicide in this country.  the right to die folks might wanna step up.  this blog has always been about urging discussion.  of the many MANY topics that make up suicidal folks.  and not all of them are sad.  i'm not sad.  i don't have anything that's broken.  so there's nothing that needs fixing.  'sides, this blog reaches out to those i'd never heard about, or read about  anywhere.  i've looked and looked for suicidal boards and things that a suicidal person would normally look for.  i wish i had the expertise to run a bulletin board.  maybe there is one after all.  tell me about it.

and finally, really this time is it.  i'll continue to post as the time draws near.  i'm about as ready as it can get. ciao.