is it up yet?

T minus.... shit.  i wouldn't be able to tell you.  that would take some planning. but if i do this, and it doesn't succeed in the objective, then i'm gonna have to deal with things.  i could plan for my exit plan for getting out of this.  but frankly, i don't see it.  this is going to continue.

most everybody i talked to today were in recoup mode.  i forgot what that feels like.  it's been  awhile since i've last expeerienced recoup mode.  they say you cant remember pain.  and i know it's been painful for me in the past, i think i would understand what it feels like.  recoup mode is how one feels after drinking assorted drinks at several of the bars in town and not remembering how you got home.  heh, oh ya, i know what it feels like. 

i'm going to do some christmas shopping tomorrow i think.  something to look foward to.  no?  no, not really.  but i think tomorrow will be the best christmas-shopping-event in years.  i'll be able to take care of a few of my gifts tomorrow, provided the stores have what i'm looking for.  i'm not one for gift-wrapping.  i don't mind paying for it, i would at least tip the person doing my gift wrapping.  what i'm getting tomorrow doesn't require gift wrapping.  or it could, i would have see the boxes.   they would wrap hannukah gifts don't they?  i think so.  Wrapping requires some liquor.  i have nothing in the house here.  another stop on the train.  oh well.

i don't know who is going to invite me, i might have a christmas that's all alone.  which heh, it's only a day.  really.  it usually follows up with hangovers.   but not this year.  i think i'll be sober or buzzed a bit this season.  heh, why am i even planning that far ahead.  i need to start facing the truth about these last few days.  i'm not  at all hurting in any way. no need to cry. it's sad only because you want it to be that way.  i feel like i need to stick with the plan.  there's a plan in place.  and i'm getting it  whittled down pretty well, so it's nice and smooth sailing from here on 

out.  if all goes and things go according to my plan, i will have made my last few days on earth a 

joy.

i need to work on some other documents, get things in order on my laptop.  finish theNote.  i don't think i'll need to do another load of laundry. what else. tuesday is the day for dr. johnson's visit in the hospital.  i don't plan on doing anything radically different just because i know when i'm going to die.  i have to manually inject it into whatever plan i have, which tells me one of two things.  which says i don't have the guts to go through with it, or that i not only plan on doing it, i'll do it.  but i'm not the hell on wheels i always thought i'd be.  oh well.  next life.