i'm torn between two dates. this saturday, vs next monday/tuesday. i'm due on monday to be in rochester mayo @ 1345 . no blood tests. he should schedule these things before i go in, and then we'll have something to discuss. the data they're viewing when i go in is old. i should put my foot down. but i won't, primarily because i hate raising hell. especially when that issue is something free (not out of my pocket). nothing's free tho, i tell ya. you may not see all the costs up front, but that certainly doesn't mean they aren't there.
i don't know what to do about leeann nelson. i feel guilty for lying to her. but hey, she'd 'follow protocol,' saying so much this afternoon, confirming that to keep my ass free, i have to lie. so i lie. i wish i didn't have to, but i couldn't see how spending time in jail was going to make me think twice? please. i couldn't deal with jail. but they'll take me if i didn't go nicely. talk about police state.
mercy's like that too. they like throwing their weight around. they ask, the city gives. and by virtue of being a hospital, they get by with a lot of shit, like this stuff. not being held accountable. but see, since i'm actually going, they're the ones who should be getting the credit of 'doing the right thing'. they didn't want a lawsuit first, and then dropped me because they were unable to provide me the level of service that i required. like, what a bogus answer for not living up to the standard of professional behavior.
i'd really like to hear a doctor's point of view. or someone with knowledge of ambien. explain what the mechanics of death would be. how it would happen with ambien as the drug of choice. ambien 10mg. i think they make a 5mg tablet. but this shit makes me sleepwalk. i remember a winter or two ago when i had some accident with the car. the station wagon i sold to bob for $300. i lost $200 on it, but had it for over a year i think. i jus didn't wanna have a car this year. especially in winter. go outside and move it every day. i could park it in back, but then i would be running options for accidents in that deep snow.
yes, having the opinion of a medical professional would be appreciated. it's jus too bad that they can't separate things and be honest with those who are suicidal. it's like worrying about a lawsuit, then doing something that screams for a lawsuit. that's mercy home care for ya. they share web with their parent, mercy medical center - north iowa. they have a foot clinic that i have to get to. hopefully it'll be staffed by this nurse that used to come out and do my feet. i got a serious nail growing and curving around. i dont have much in the way of fingernails, but when they make that clickity click click sound when i type, then i'll know it's time to cut 'em. and i get 'em short. i like them short.
and then there's doctor johnson. what a guy. always sweet and with a smile. i know he's probably going to hate me for breaking my promise. but hey, what would he do? probably commit me to 5 east. no no way. if they were really serious, why hasnt anybody confiscated my ambien? that would be the first thing i'd ask for. if i thought the dude was suicidal. i'd probably ask him to let me help him. with watever. but there's nothing like getting some information on the mechanics of death, particularly with ambien, and getting info from a medical authority... shit i forgot what i was going to say. oh yeah, the wealth of knowledge i could glean from a doctor or a nurse, would be valuable. it would help me create my own alter.
i'll get into positioning tomorrow. i'm sure it'll be simple and clean. the latter especially with my constipation of late. but i would like to be discovered in a natural position of sleep. i don't move an inch all night. i usually wake up in the same position i was when i fell asleep. i have been known to sleepwalk, especially with ambien. i'm sure taking the amounts that i'm looking at taking would negate any possibility of a sleepwalking session. wouldn' t it?
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