t minus ... part deux

this is a continuation of this afternoon's rant.  but mainly it was designed from the onset that this documents that i was present and accounted for.  after speaking with some folks, i definitely came away thinking i'll be missing another component of life.  that was being around other people.  since i'm mainly a '"loner". my relationship skills are a bit off.  i'll still miss some people tho.  and it's sad that that is happening, but not a deal breaker.

i think the closer t time is, the more anxious i get, yet i'm quite calm.  i would have figured me to be in a hypertensive mode, trying to accomplish a lifetime's array of workskills.  there's no sense of time.  probably because time 'there' is different than 'time' here.  i too am taking the added extra time to reflect on what exactly i'll be missing.  i keep having these senseabilities to settle. i figure we're using about half of my alotment. imagine that, a wallet full of favors.

there's also this urge to tell the tale of Q.  before the beginning, the begining, the now and tomorrow, and then the end.  consolation.  there's more reward than that isn't there?  there should be great rewards for those things where the achievement was not easy.  i'll betcha there's a bean counter on life.  and i wonder how many people would argue with him.  or her.  i'm not sexist here.  i should tell the tale of Q tho.  and i'm starting him back in 1970.  pre-chicago days.  that's when i first was sent away from home.  for being a bad boy.  i joy-rode my parents' 1958 buick super.  i remember driving that car.  remember it well actually.  nothing major in my life occured during that time, other than first timers.  i lost my virginity in more ways than one during my stay at durand boys farm school.  that's when the Q first made himself known to me.  and boy have i had the time of my life ever since.  well in the last decade maybe not.  you can tell me.  take a gander.   that's just my time in this house.

but i know i'm close, so close i can smell it.  sweet smell of death.  i wonder death really is sweet, or am i jus satisfying some sweet tooth urge i have.  i always thought death stunk.  probably from people's released waste.  i would expect the clothes to be dirty.  but other than that, i see very little in way of having to 'prop' me up in any way.  i'll go to bed normal.  i jus hope i can get to sleep as easy.  that'll be the true telling of how good of a life i've led.  now wouldn't it.  worried about what will happen because i led an evil life, jus won't happen on my watch.  now whether i'm disqualified from the finals in other ways... i wouldn't put it past the ol' son of a bitch to use some simple misuderstandings to ruse a case against my enrollment at the heavenly school for delinquent boys.

so, it's as close as close gets.  i'm sure there will be more insights into my thinking during this most crucial time of my life.  there's a lot of shit that's getting packed away so they'll be alive for generations to come.  i'm archiving the irc logs of #interport and #mindvox.  then there's my diaries that go back to 2000.  and i've got 86-06, the latter years after 2000 aren't repeats of organizer files that start around that time.  these are two sets of files kept, but it should be a good checker of facts.

but it's all coming to an end.  hopefully with a smile on my face.  i think i've got a pretty decent plan, even tho it got off to a rocky start.  oh well.  mercy home care could have taken the opportunity that was presented before them, and use that to garner more information on what makes a man tick during a time like that.  in the prelude to death.  how many other preludes are out there - probably a lot so i should jus let it drop.  we'll conclude this prelude with a proverb.  lo are the seekers of life.  for they are the ones who best live it.

but i've had a wonderful life.  a very full life, one that couldn't be repeated if one tried with a million dollars.  i certainly wouldn't trade it away, regardless of where i'd be if i were to buy into that bologna.  i think that's how it's spelled.  nope, i wouldn't trade it for a million dollars. i jus wish there were things like diaries back in 1970 when i went to durand boys farm schhol  i learned a lot about life at that school.  being transferred to eldora boys training school was a step down in the scale of things.  they couldn't keep a faggot at the boys farm school, so it was determined that i be kept in iowa's training school for delinquent boys.  these were criminals to delinquent youth in eldora.  but they finally transferred me to the mental health institute because being gay was a sickness back then.  so i spent like 8 months in the institute and they didn't know what to do with me, couldn't send me back home into that situation again, so they kept me back in eldora till i turned 17.  at age 17.5 i was released to go to marshalltown community college.  did well on the ged.

but i don't wanna go into my life on this forum.  i'll save that for hitchhiker.  keep hitchhiker alive.

t minus ...

as close as close gets.  that's about what i can summarize up this week with.  i'm this far from getting the pills out.  the urge to do the deed is getting stronger.  not weaker.  like this is indeed the right thing to do.  i'm too comfortable to be worried about.  i'm about ready to pick out the music.  i think i'll jus play dance with xbox 360.  let that be the video.  hopefully it'll play the tunes i've got in for dance.  i could make up a new songlist.  but it'll all be the same thing.  i dont know if this will rerun and repeat over and over?  or what it'll do.

but i'm treating people as if i'm not going to be around to be with them again.  i'm not saying anything about it, but the way i feel is the way one would feel on his last facetime session, one of fun and carefree.  i'm not treating money matters any differently however.  i'm not out on a big charge binge.  and i could very well tie one on just one last time.  no.  i dont wanna do that.  i'd rather just let it lay the way it's meant to lay.  the way it lays now is fine and dandy with me.  not to say anything to anybody.

i would probably be getting earfuls of how important i am to them and society as a whole.  spare me the part about how much god loves me.  my feelings on god are published and well known.  i believe god is the sum of all our human souls.  i would like to see a society not depend on money the way it does.  but heh, i was born into it, i'll die out of it.  but all the remarks i hear and others talking plainly in sight, i get the feeling that if i were to believe them, and do what they say, i would be ditching the pills and breaking the syringes.  but why.  i've had those syringes for months now and they're for this testosterone the pharmacy sent over.  i jus dont have the where withall in giving myself an injection of it.  i think that's how you spell it.  i'm right.    i'd like to hear the areas i need to be concerned about.

well, my cat is pawing at me for some attention.  Diva needs something and so i'll get her situated and think a little bit more before i continue posting.

j'm getting the feeling that you all think i should be dead by now. cant i draw this out to a week?  i'm not going to wig out and rush anything.  so you'll jus have to be patient, like everyone else.  it's coming.  that i'm not only comfortable but active in this orgnization.  we're not schmidt blood, and i believe he cared for me as if it was labeld SCHMIDT. it took me several years and lots of guts to get into circles that were so tight, it ws amazing anything ever got done, but that was far away from the case here.

i guess i'm still here because there is something that has yet been unfulfilled.  God only knows what that would entail.  maybe it has something to do with this blog.  maybe it has to be done @ home in the cold.  or maybe it has something to do with the outdoors.  i'm shoveled, so it can't be that.  hm, i'm about out of ideas.  i will know it when it happens.  that's something cool about me, i can usually tell when i'm being spoken to.  

i think i'm close to eventtime.  there's that aspect of my feelings that won't go away.  they'll sometimes be 'outbid' for my time and interest, but think of what this would do for the governments of each country that adopted deat  ih with dignity act.  i should read their version of the whole movement.  what's known by me is probably very little.  and i'm somewhat reluctant to read about other theories about death and heaven and what have you.  i dont really know why i'm so reluctant about it.  i wish it wuznt.  i'm thrilled at the prospect of 'knowing' the truth about death.  there's a secret that's so secreative that no one wants to talk about.  

and that's what i've been trying to do.  provoke discussion.  i wish you people would use the comments on these posts.  i would like to get a concensus on what you folks think about when the subject is death and dying.  i'm sure they run the gamut.  from fire in the sky strict christian against the most radical islamic.  

anyway, i thought i'd post something so people won't think the deed was done and they were never told.  relax folks, i've got a coupla days at least ahead of me.  but keep in touch because it could happen anytime.

you've probably had some ideas that i did myself in.  it's been a day or two since i've posted.   ok, i checked.  1 day.  oh well. it feels like two days.  not that so much has happened, but it seems to be a long time away.  anyway, what topic should we discuss tonite.  prelude?  i think i could do a prelude piece.  i wonder to start from what time and last until what time.  those are questinos. 

i know ...  i'll start here at 23:25 central standard time. i think we're -5 from meridian.  i think it's meridian.  the place where the line between two days is, and you can literally change days by going over that line.  i wonder if it's marked off very well.  

but what subject do we feel like and what are good subjects?  prelude?  interlude, doing the deed?  i don't think i can do doing the deed tonite.  i could probably do prelude.  t- something. heh, i should define what that number is.  but prelude is the subject matter for tonite.  definition.  use.  result.

prelude.  what does the dictionary say about prelude?

1: an introductory performance, action, or event preceding and preparing for the principal or a more important matter
2 a: a musical section or movement introducing the theme or chief subject (as of a fugue or suite) or serving as an introduction to an opera or oratorio b: an opening voluntary c: a separate concert piece usually for piano or orchestra and based entirely on a short motif

well, take what yuu can from ol' man dictionary

so, prelude. it's not music. no opera. (i use chrome by google)

prelude. doublechecking what is supposed to be seen upon discovery. the pills, all my money, tinbox & cash, what's on the computers. i need certain windows open with certain files open. set the strage for discovery. what should i print and have on the keyboard/desk. i want the latest will. leaving everything to one person is so much easier. it's not much, but what there is should be divvied up according to need.

i should print out the will. theNote should also be printed. i think i've got the latest issues on line with that, but don't quote me on it. i hate printing because i have to start the mac up and that takes about a minute. i should time the thing and see which will boot faster. i chould go off line with this one

the other side

when i woke up this morning at 3am and couldn't go back to sleep, i got up to pee.  then sat down at the computer looking up the winner of survivor.  it was in my head, but i couldn't think of the winner's name.  it's bob btw.  but then i got on irc and talked with lister, my friend from the UK.  see, irc is global.  more people should see it as it truly is.  a chat room.

anyway, i got to thinking about suicide.  and it dawned on me that early morning is the time to do it.  i don't know why that came across my head, but this is the best time to take the pills.  i would have to wakt up again at this hour to do it.  i say the pills will 'act' and do me in in 45 minutes.  or an hour. i cant remmeber how long ambien took when i took it for sleeping years back.

this time of day is like a pregnant woman just asbout to give birth.  sunrise is always been the 'cleanest' time of day for me.  i wonder who will be born on the day it happens.  i'm gamblin that it'sa boy.  it would be interesting to experience.  giving birth must be miraculous.  to die on the same day must too be miraculous life ending and life beginjing.  if ya think about all the souls that are dying today, each one of them has got a story to tell.  but only one gets heard.  our time here on earth ends, but a new beginning is about to start, for both of us.  

for the borne person, if it could talk, what would you think it would say when getting out of the womb and breathing our air for the very first time.  the person doing the dying would also experience such changeling.  i believe both events are equally wonderful experiences.  our time  here on this planet is limited by the air we breathe.  oh, and other such afflictions and diseases.  each one has a story to tell.  but only one gets heard most of the time.  if babies could only talk.

what would it say?  hm, that's a good question.  it would say that there's another life 'out there' somewhere.  i don't think we're limited to earth either.  i think the 'other side' is one and the same before we're borne, and after we die.  it's the same place.  could we be on the other side planning such thigs as our deaths?  hm, it's a thought.  we could be controlling our earthly selves on some scrabble board.  building points by landing on certain squares.  adventure for the human is for both of you to enjoy.  it's the 'other' world i'm about to step into.  and i'm going to do it with my head held high because i think i had a very good life.  i experienced just about all of the things i ever wanted to experience.  i'm hoping that my writing will live on for years after my death.  once everything on the website works.  oops.  did i jus give away the time for it to go down? 

well, lets get back to the other side for a moment.  i believe that there's another side.  see that an other side.  i'm hoping i can pass the inspection i'll have to take on the way over.  that  could take some time now couldn't it.  with my level of experience i could safely say that there is an other side to this earth.  a parallel universe that is in another dimension?  

there's all kinds of questions, and answers, and questions with NO answer.  we'll jus see which ones do and hoefully it'll pass inspection.  there are only two sides to this life/death thing.  the other side and this side parallel each other almost identically.  except on this side, all memories are erased from the brain and one gets borne as a baby.  if the baby could only talk.

i'll bet we adults could learn a thing or two from babies.  maybe they are talking to us but jus not in words.  maybe they don't have 'words' on the other side.  the baby would talk about his/her experience before being borne. oh the things it could tell us.  i think i know what it would say.  i'll bet it would speak of another side to this life.  is there suicide on the other side?  interesting question.

the thought of the 'other side' is strong sometimes.  it's stronger when i think about it.  that's for prayer time.  the other side is a mystery to us here on earth because we learn and live for only a short period of time.  our lives here on earth are but a blink of an eye.  our lives here on earth are measured and calculated on the other side.  there's some competition on the other side.  but we're not borne into a life like this on the other side.  depending on the age of the soul, one could say the soul is timeless, but it's not.  souls have a period of time to exist.  they are 'borne' somewhere and goes  through 'life' building good credit along the way.  because in the final d raw, all these things are going to get added up and you're going to account for the ones that need help . i think the 'judge' will look upon my life as one that was lived by a brave soul.

i believe that our souls are the true lives we live.  there is no pain and suffering on the other side, not like there is here on earth.  it almost calls out to ya sometimes.  but the changeover happens on a schedule, and suicide upsets the scheule of things.  the price you pay for upsetting things, depends on what sorta things you upset.  i'll know when it's time.  there's something that tells me when it's time.  maybe suicide is the way it's spoze to happen.  ever thought of that?  maybe it's supPOSed to happen?

i could answer the first one with ease.  yes i've thought about it a lot.  even since poopy started.  i've thought about the other side more since poopy started, that's for sure.  but even now, as i type away my life story here on the internet.  i'm trying to be a testator of the things i learned here on earth.  i think my cup is full.  that it's time has come upon us.  i'll know it when it v happens.  whether i act upon that, will be the million dollar question. 

suffice it to say, i've done a lot of thinking about things, both on this side, and the other side. i'm comfortable with how i view the way things are on both sides.  i think to have that insight on both sides is worth discovering.  i just hope the other side is a lot easier than this side.  will i return to earth in the future?  that's a question i tried to answer with edgar casey's tales.  i think he believed in reincarnation, if memory serves me right.  i believe that the other side is a lot easier to 'live' than the earthly lives we build., 

i also believe that cats are a way of transcending. and there were 5 kittens, no more than a few days old, that appeared on my porch a few weeks ago.  all that's left is one black kitten, who still lives downstairs in the basement.  my cat, diva, would never let me have another cat in the house.  so it's life is to live in the basement of my house.  and it's warm down there because of the furnace.  so they're not freezing in this -3 degree weather we're having.  (windchills of -11 to -22 last nite were common)  but i believe there's some religion that believes in the superstition of cats being around when death is in the air.  no?

google's editor is playing tricks on me.  so i am going to close with this.  the time is near, the exact time is close at hand.  and i hope i can write about things until that time.  and even during that time, if i'm lucky.  i plan to post right up until i can't type any more.  my friends on #mindvox will be the last ones to know me.  i've gotten some calls from those on the channel.  real nice folks they are.  voidmstr and gigi especially are close to my heart.  i'll miss them both.

but it's time i close out this post.  it's 7 am now.  i've been at this since about 430.  time to take a break.  it'd be nice if someone left a comment.  i would value that more than money.  think about it.