well, i had another visit by the good ol' folks over at mercy.  this one was a social worker.  she also had a belief in the right to die.  actually i don't know where she stood.  she was kinda all over the board on this one.  i almost felt at one point that i could open up and not lie to her.  but she made the comment that she would follow the same policy.  first, i would like to see this policy. it should be written down somewhere.  i wanna see it.

i wish i could be truthful and upfront with my friends and neighbors, and other figures in my life.  including the personnel from mercy who i deal with on a weekly schedule.  i wish i could ask my health care provider, my nurse, or my doctor, what are the mechanics on taking 400 mg of ambien, and what exactly happens to bodies discovered in a normal course of business.  what else did i have questions about.  oh yeah, i wanted to know what happens to the body right at death, and shortly thereafter.  how fast does rigor set in? do i really mess my pants?  i'll have to have a towel under my hips.  that'll work. 

it really hurts that i'm not able to talk to my doctor/nurse about death and dying.  and i don't know what to do about it.  if anything.  talking to anybody on #mindvox or #interport would only invite questions that i'm not yet prepared to answer.  i'm hoping to be on #mindvox with my last words.  and hopefully have a schedule on the laptop that'll keep me in check to do this properly. i wish i had video, but alas, it would require someone else to be in the house here, and i don't know of anybody that would allow me to do this in front of them.  people get weird when it comes to death and dying.  finding someone who's got the same outlook on death and dying that i have. it would be a godsend if ya ask me.

anyway, i'm still around tho.  getting kinda antsy of the waiting game.  it'll happen when it's supposed to happen.  exerting this much control in this state of mind could be dangerous.  flirting with the bad elements of death and dying.