suicide, part deux

when people talk about suicide, they usually do so with a tone of depression.  happy people aren't supposed to talk about suicide.  only depressed people can.  this is how it's not supposed to be done.  when suicide is mentioned, it immediately brings a tone of depression, and regret, oftentimes, and that will generally translate into doing depressed things, like taking an overdose of sleeping pills.

i've already come to the conclusion that the only way i can carry this out is by taking the remaining prescription of ambien.  there's about 40 pills left of the 10mg size.  30 of those would result in death, so say Mercy Health Center's healthwatch.  as long as the deed gets done, and with as little pain as possible, i succumb to the permanent factor.

so how isn't important any more.  the when certainly is.  that's a factor that i don't see defining quite yet.  i have a general feeling about it, and i'm seeing a december 15 date.  somewhere around that time anyway.  the when can certainly be fluidic and change accordingly with good reason ...  that would be difficult to define wouldn't it.  i can only say that mid-december will be the ideal time for transition.

which brings up the obvious:  what is it like on the other side?  doesn't that sound like a good enough reason to commit suicide?  i for one believe that there is another level of 'life' out there, and it's only through death can it be seen.  sounds weird doesn't it.  but if you think about it.  the other side of life, is death, and purgatory.  pugatory is that state of death where the body dies and the soul moves on.  what form that is i don't know.  but i believe that when you die, you're automagically taken to a place where only the dead can see the dead.

staying alive until the middle of december is going to prove to be a handful.  i'll need to prepare Diva especially.  that's my cat in case seomeon asks.  She's the only one that could make me think twice about this.  she's getting the feeling that something's up.  she senses that i think.  but now with this new development, pete gomez, from the previous post, was going to take Diva when i die.  pete was very nice to me on the phone when i asked him to be the new guardian for Diva last week.  this last week i should say.  but now that he's in jail, that could change things a bit.  i'll have to wait and see.  but right now, that's not probably something he would be thinking about.  the least on his line of thinking   and i want more than that for her.  get my drift?  so this could actually put the thing on hold untiol this irons out.  i don't know.  but it does put a wrinkle in things.

*pffft*, i'll post again later when i know something.

these were friends of mine

there's a story in today's edition (online) at kimt, the local cbs affiliate.

Mason City, IA- Mason City police received a call for help just before 2:00 Friday morning. There had been a fight at Burke's Bar and Grill on the city's north side. Investigators discovered Bryon Sletten, 42, of Mason City had been assaulted. He's in serious condition at a Rochester hospital as of Friday evening.

Five people have been arrested and are in the Cerro Gordo County Jail. Linda Jo Kloberdanz, 47, Tyler Kloberdanz, 19 and Nicole Kloberdanz, 21 and Pete Gomez, 58, all of Mason City, are facing willful injury charges. Robert Gomez, 49, is facing a charge of interference of official acts

.

these folks are friends of mine, and while i haven't had the chance to find out what really went on, i can safely say that byron must have provoked the incident.

still here, for now

well, i'm still here.  breathing like everybody else.  the thought of suicide is on my mind constantly.  and everytime i look at diva, i have to try and see what  it would feel like, not being able to touch her.  in that very second the feeling of helplessness takes hold, it is almost saddening.  i try to hold back the tears once in a while.  not all the time tho. but lately there's been some.  even now, i got water in my eyes, when there shouldn't be any.  they should be dry from the pot i jus smoked.

but getting back to the topic at hand, suicide.  i figure if i can say it, i should be able to understand what it means.  it means the permanent end to all things i know.  not knowing exactly what will happen is almost frightening, as much as it is tantalizing.  the unknown of it all.  could that be the stimulus one would need to accomplish the task?  just exactly what thoughts go through the mind in the hours before the act.  

i figure if it's meant to be, it'll happen.  plain and simple.  no matter what i think.  there could be a whole bunch of things that will go through my mind in the hours before the act.  i bet i'll find myself lacking only with time.  people have often asked me, what would you do if you knew you werew going to die, what would you do.  and i really never had an answer.  i still don't.  nothing out of the ordinary tho, i can safely say.  i wouldnt go running up bills and that sorta thing.  no.  this has got to be on my terms.  and so far it has been.  i jus wonder when He's going to intervene.  how close do i have to go before He rescues me?

well, enough is enough i say.  enough for now.  hopefully there'll be many more posts in the coming days.  i'm seeing a mid december event.  but that could certainly change.  that would give me one more rochester.  i'll get one more with johnson.  this last visit is going to be one that i don't think i'll forget about for the next week.  it has nothing to do with the fact that he's going off and starting another program with diabetes.  nothing at all.  it'll be interesting to convince him of it tho. and remember, kristie will be with me. i'll have to keep this all in mind.

getting closer - new development

well, i talked to Pete Gomez, the brother of one of my best friends, Linda Kloberdan.  he's taking my baby Diva when the time comes.  that was the only thing keeping me sane and here.  care for her is of the upmost urgency.  she deserves the best.  and i trust pete will give her what she deserves.  she mainly likes to keep to herself.  but when she comes up to you, she usually wants something, like water, or food, or something.  she'sll let you know when you're deficient in that realm.

But the last leg holding me here was just taken away.  I have no more excuses. nolw i weanna live to see if obama gets the election.  i do wanna see that.  but how long after that is the million dollar question.  i dont expect it to be into december much.  i have the appointment 12/08 in rochester, i dont know if i'm gonna make that or not.  i spoze i will butr it'll definitely be my last.

I'm working on theNote.htm (http://www.farpoint.org/theNote.htm).  it's kinda hard keeping them all separate and equal space.  between the diary and here, i get my fill of spilling the beans if you will.  and i dont do it unless i smoke some pot.  i get chatty when i get stoned. buzzed is more like it.  i haven't gotten 'high' in quiote a long time.  and i expect it'll be even longer given the circumstance.

I think i got the list pretty much taken care of all things david.  i think i got everybody.  all i really need to do is look at my checkbook.  and see who got paid and when.  it'd be nice if i could get out of paying my last bill on meddiacom, but i doubt it.  mediacom especially will be on top of it all the way until they get their grubbu listtle hands on their devices.  they make me sick sometimes.  but fuck it.  they've been ripping me off for years.  i've paid top dollar for everysince day 1.  they deserve to give me a break.

I'm still here

what with all the talk about suicide lately.  both in here and in my diaries.  it's still a topic i'm interested in and will talk about over the next few weeks.  this is one topic that is not going to go away.

it's still a subject that's worth a few posts.  i don't know how many posts i'll get out of it, but i'm not going to mince words when it comes to explaining my view on suicide.  i spoze one could almost consider it a final note, but i have something along those lines in theNote.htm.  it's not clickable yet, but it will be once the schedule has been finalized.

the million dollar question is of course, when.  the how and with what are not up for debate.  i think i have a way out that'll accomplish the task at hand, and shouldn't produce any problems during the event.  look how i'm describing the thing.  task at hand.  event.  this is by all accounts is definitely an event.  an event worth talking about.

but i thi9nk right now, i'll have to sign off for the evening.  i'll have more to say tomorrow, or the next day.  like i said already, this issue isn't going away.  i'll delve into the subject matter much more deeply next time.  i promise.

Suicide, part deux

I don't know where i should go on this topic.  It's probably something that gets picked up by every search engine in the world.  I'm sure this blog gets quoted somewhere.  I'll have to do a search.  I've been dormant for a long time.-- a whole year, i just looked.  wow.  that's a long time to be silent.  Especially about a topic such as suicide.  Suicide is so mal-aligned it's sad.  Thjere's no federal statute on it, i don't think.  i'm not going to capitalize.  fuck that.

Suicide. lemme see now.  It's a change.  A severe change, a one-way change.  there's no going back when you talk about succeeding.  it's not like i'll wake up from this nightmare.  i doubt i'll wakwho knows, maybe i will really wake up.  hell death is just another, the second in a triad.  life, death, purgatory.  it's purgatory, as i see that as between real life, and real death.

One doesn't need to be depressed to commit suicide.  many suicides are probably done as part of getting high.  personally, i could care less about whether or not i was high at the time.  it takes a lot for me to get good and high.  i dont consider getting high to write is bad.  i dont contsider getting high to clean is bad either.  getting high for getting high is bad tho.  life is short.  one shouldnt waste any time.

One doesn't need to enlish the help of those around him.  There;s no need to have a family conference and see what everbody thinks should be done differently.  Linda has been the one who calls me the most often.  Thank you Linda, I appreciated every time you called.  Theresa, well, what can i say about "Theresa...  'sides the fact that she owes me, well the estate now, over $1400.  plus whatever that bag of silver is worth, $800?  Whoever gets Diva gets the bulk of whatever comes off the estate.  The reason there's no insurance is because it wouldn't have paid on suicide anyway.  so why throw the money away?

My Last Experience

what can be said about suicide? i'll explore this subject in much greater detail once i figure out how and where it's going. for now tho, contend yourselves with http://www.farpoint.org/theBooQ.htm.  and you can visit another page that'll give you some idea of what my early life was like.  just go HERE.

Long Time a Comin (FIRST POST)

wow, it's been a long time. let me see what's up with that, and i'll get right back to ya. sorta like stargate would have.

on edit: it's been about a year to the day. 12/2 to 12/4. 07-08