is it up yet?

T minus.... shit.  i wouldn't be able to tell you.  that would take some planning. but if i do this, and it doesn't succeed in the objective, then i'm gonna have to deal with things.  i could plan for my exit plan for getting out of this.  but frankly, i don't see it.  this is going to continue.

most everybody i talked to today were in recoup mode.  i forgot what that feels like.  it's been  awhile since i've last expeerienced recoup mode.  they say you cant remember pain.  and i know it's been painful for me in the past, i think i would understand what it feels like.  recoup mode is how one feels after drinking assorted drinks at several of the bars in town and not remembering how you got home.  heh, oh ya, i know what it feels like. 

i'm going to do some christmas shopping tomorrow i think.  something to look foward to.  no?  no, not really.  but i think tomorrow will be the best christmas-shopping-event in years.  i'll be able to take care of a few of my gifts tomorrow, provided the stores have what i'm looking for.  i'm not one for gift-wrapping.  i don't mind paying for it, i would at least tip the person doing my gift wrapping.  what i'm getting tomorrow doesn't require gift wrapping.  or it could, i would have see the boxes.   they would wrap hannukah gifts don't they?  i think so.  Wrapping requires some liquor.  i have nothing in the house here.  another stop on the train.  oh well.

i don't know who is going to invite me, i might have a christmas that's all alone.  which heh, it's only a day.  really.  it usually follows up with hangovers.   but not this year.  i think i'll be sober or buzzed a bit this season.  heh, why am i even planning that far ahead.  i need to start facing the truth about these last few days.  i'm not  at all hurting in any way. no need to cry. it's sad only because you want it to be that way.  i feel like i need to stick with the plan.  there's a plan in place.  and i'm getting it  whittled down pretty well, so it's nice and smooth sailing from here on 

out.  if all goes and things go according to my plan, i will have made my last few days on earth a 

joy.

i need to work on some other documents, get things in order on my laptop.  finish theNote.  i don't think i'll need to do another load of laundry. what else. tuesday is the day for dr. johnson's visit in the hospital.  i don't plan on doing anything radically different just because i know when i'm going to die.  i have to manually inject it into whatever plan i have, which tells me one of two things.  which says i don't have the guts to go through with it, or that i not only plan on doing it, i'll do it.  but i'm not the hell on wheels i always thought i'd be.  oh well.  next life.

i need to get theNote together.  that's going to be a job.  a job i shouldnt do without a clear head.  should do with a clear head.  i'm using the web as my means of communication at another time.  whether it be minutes away, or hours away.  or days away, however i like to try to one post a day.  sorta like, here's what's on my mind. isn't that what a blog is all about?

theNote is going to express my views on what should be done once my death has been seen by the authorities.  i'm sure the police are going to get called.  they'll have to control the scene.  i hope not.  they should be very satisfied with what i'm doing to cover my tracks.  there's nothing really that is so private that i wouldn't open it in view by someone   but theNote is going to be a piece that has taken 2 weeks to come up with.  posting here helps with that too.  but knowing what i've said where, i don't know.  i suppose i could get by with the status quo.  if it's not broken, why fix it?  and nothing is broken.  so there's no need of a fixer.   thank you.

i think the subject is much less talked openly and frankly - it will forever leave questions, if ya wanna know why.

i use word to do special documents.  legal documents i like to use Word for almost anything.  i'm not constrained.  insofar as limitations of certain programs are never a problem.  Word works and is overly bloated, but shit, you can do anything in it.  guess that's why users prefer it against anything else you put up there.  but Word to me is almost second nature.  wordperfect is another text editor thats got bells and whistles.  i know them both but prefer Word.  i know wp was more detailed in it's formatting and control.  the codes were part of the presentation.  geeks all had wp.  i was never a geek, as much as i wish i could have enjoyed it, going geek has had their claws on my back, but i never succeed in being a geek.

the editor here on blogger is pretty good.  it does all the simple formatting for ya. plus it'll save it out as a html document.  i use it to do posts, rather than doing posts in another program then adding them to the gui.  i think there's a mailing address you can use that'll post your rants and things.  photos.  however i dont see how it can transfer photos, but it does.  like the ceo of sprint said, these phones are worth a lot more than just calls from mother. then it goes  on to say all the things the phone was capable of doing things that before required computers.  now we got devices that are basically a small system, on your wrist.  thos will be a long time away.  but really, i see communication between humans evolving to video phone instead of cell phone.

i should do a post on the intinerary of events leading up to laying down on the bed.  this is why alcohol isn't being used.  i wanna remember, for what i don't know, but i think death is only when the body is dead.  soul death is a totally different thing.  but a death is a dead body.  but all the things that are done leading up to the event should be noted somewhere.  theNote is explaining why.  theDeclaration is something that can be used to put the imporant announcements on paper.  like money.  on the declaration.  like household items.  on the declaration.  the will is probabaly a part of the Declaration.  the will is done and printed.  i'll leave the Declaration on the laptop.  i'll leave irc running, and a post that is in the buffer.  drafts.  i dont have drafts.

i'll need to make sure the litter in diva's box is clean and full.  i jus put more litter into the box/container.  she's got plenty of food, but i'll make sure she's got a full dish of food.  the only thing that i can see diva doing is laying next to me.  i hope she sleeps with me that night.  i expect the discovery of my body to be done by my nurse.  yes, i have a nurse. ya have to these days.  no really, i'm not a young chicken any more, and AIDS has taken it's toll. but i expect my nurse to discover the body.  knowing that she's probably got experience finding dead bodies, i'm sure mercy home care has a policy regarding dead bodies.  i would like to know, but if i call it';ll only raise red flags and i'll have to deal with their 'intervention'.

i'll fall asleep in the clothes i'm going to wear on my dying day.  no suit.  maybe army.  i dunno.  i'll figure that out as we get closer to the day.  but army requires a white shirt, and they're not exactly comfortable as bedwear.  but we'll see.  i know i need to be fine as if it's a normal jnight.  i think i'll post after taking the pills, but on my way to the bedroom, is the computer.  so a post right before i retire would make good copy, no?  probably not ready for David talk.

i'll bet i'll have a hard time getting to sleep that night.  i'll have everything running across my mind.  worrying about whether or not i didn't catch something, and what if this happens, do i really wanna leave it for the whole world to see?  i should do a round of pics before i go.  get some of the house, and some self portrait.  tossing and turning, making that night horrible for getting to sleep.  ya think one of those sleeping pills could make it's way into the system and put me out before the rest of it gets digested.  it should act by putting me down first, right?  i mean, i dont wanna be holding my throat and unable to breathe.  

no, i need advice from the medical community and i'm not getting it.  for all it's said and done, that healthline is scripted to refer callers to this access center whatever that is.  i'm not even sure what the access center is all about.  anyway, kristie will do what has to be done, i'm sure of that.  i jus hope she calls linda and gets a hold of her.  linda is my friend who's the executor of my will.  

that's about it for now.  later.z

the stand

have you ever seen the movie, the stand?  by stephen king?  well, be prepared to think in terms of black and white.  still a good movie if you like dark thrillers.  this is a story told in 8 hours.  i'm sure the net is full of video clips if not the whole movie somewhere.  maybe on usenet you can pick it up. anyway, i am searching around for an idea of a post.  couldn't come up with anything i have around the house.  and going out isn't really on my agenda.  it's 39 degrees out, so it's still mild in terms of winter weather.  it's not winter yet, but it's still chilly to the bone.  anyway, i'll post about things i'll miss after i die.  a dave letterman style list, the top ten list.

#10 - i'll miss my music.  

#9 - i'll miss the routine.

#8 - i'll miss doctor johnson's visits.

#7 - i'll miss kristie's visits.

#6 - i'll miss shelley's visits.

#5 - i'll miss my family, what's left of it.

#4 - i'll miss stargate and star trek.

#3 - i'll miss television.

#2 - i'll miss my computer.

#1 - i'll miss myself.  if that isn't vain, i don't know what is.

there i got a whole list of 10 things that i'll miss after the event.  i thought i'd have 10 things, and sure enough got 10.  and it wuzn't that hard.  now i wonder if i could come up with 10 things suicide is good for.  i don't think i can.  this is a pretty lopsided argument.  

why do it at all, then?  because it's my time.  i feel compelled almost drawn into this cyclone of life and death.  my hunger for satisfaction about the after life is making me do it.  i can't help reverting back to the time i had my vision.  which laid out my death is no uncertain terms.  i was going to hang. so i don't know how i'm able to reconcile that one.  maybe i haven't thought about it much lately. this gives me pause to think about what i'm thinking about.  be my own psychologist.

really, why do it at all then.  i say because it's my time as if i absolutely without doubt believe that my time is up when i say it is.  actually, we're all dying anyway, some of us on a faster track than others.  but death isn't something that can be shared.  in fact, death is the final guarantee by the Almighty that would happen to me.  like the old saying, life, death and taxes.  things that must happen.

now, getting back to life is like a river.  how would a careful and astute person be able to die.  natural causes is a catchall for things that can't be defined.  and i'll bet there are causes of death that don't make sense.  i wonder if anybody's doing any research into the matter.  but if life is like a river, then i have the ability to navigate, stop, and get off the water and on to dry land.  death is when you get back in the water.  water is the essence of life that can be touched and quantified.   heaven is earth.  the sky is heaven,  heaven can be like land, and getting out of the water is like dying.  

i wonder how many other people believe in what i believe in.  are there more people out there like me?  i would be surprised if there were.  but defining God and soul and heaven and hell, well, i have definitions that work for me.  i've looked at catholicism, protestantism, buddist, islam, and took a little bit of each and made it into what i call Q.  the good of the top religions makes for a really hip dude.  especially if he lives his religion.  christians are known for their interpretations of the ideals of religion in fanatical ways.  and islamist factions are also known for their interpretations of the ideal of religion in fanatical ways. i wonder if the jewish state can the same be said about their groups.  one's never heard of a jewish terrorist, unless one can read arabic.

i would hate to get caught up in religion here, so i'll steer the topic up a bit and see what happens.  things that i'll miss when i die.  i probably won't "miss" anything since i'll be dead and gone, with nothing to feel about anything. i don't think i'll "miss" anything per se.  i'll miss not having and doing those things.  but not for long i'm sure.  i think right at the point of death is when you actually see yourself rising up and floating around, not bound by wall, then how would i walk oir stand.  if i'm not bound by wall then i'm not confined to any particular room when i'm standing. but you know what i mean.  i'll float around for a few minutes then i expect there will be 'the light' and poof, death happened.  now i exist in a purgatory stage. readying myself for another chance at life.  depending on where i am spiritually, will determine what life i'll have for myself.  i think you'll get the chance to pick what life you would want.  or is there a judge that survey's your previous life and determines what life i would get next time.  how many times we have to repeat life is the billion dollar question.

but i expect i'll stay around the house for a while.  time is gone at that point, so i believe how long i say there is only a blink in time for those that are still alives on earth.  but there will be things i will want to see after i die.  like what people would say on #mindvox and #interport on mIRC.  i'd be curious to know whether they were true friends or not. frankly, i trust my excutor so whatever happens to diva and my things will happen and there's nothing i'll be able to do about it.  i cant see myself too worried about it.  i've planned on doing this while holding my head up.  i haven't decided yet on whether or not pot is going to play a role in this chapter.  i expect it will, but not as strong as i figure here.

more later.z.

the day after

i'll bet 70% of the country had their fill of food today.  i know i had my opportunity last night to enjoy a table full of food items.  like salad, and side dishes of vegetable or soup.  there was enough turkey to give everybody a second helping.  it was good.  i didn't pig out by any means, and ate very conservative.  i was filled up after having pie.  got home early.  not early in the morning, early in the evening.  i think around 19:00 ... but i would have to check my diary.  today's not been a hungover day, that's for sure.  i think in the past. it would have been.  not that i feel great to begin with,

i wanna get my friend a computer.  her old system is an old one and i thought i'd give her a christmas present now.  could get a wireless router and prime them to have 2 laptops join in soon. although there will be no indication of their awareness of my plan.  i don't wanna release too much, for fear of getting locked up.  god i hate getting locked up.  not that i have had anything since my  last owi in 2001.  that's another post.  but back to my original idea of getting my friend a computer.  she can come and pick it out.  i'll tell her sometime over the weekend.  we'll stop at best buy and see what they've got on the shelves.  i think most of them come with a lcd screen now.  no more bulky monitors.  and her space is tight back there.  she should just get a bigger lcd. i'm sure we can get her hooked up for less than what i have in the tinbox.  i forgot how much i had in the envelope.  shit.35?  or 40? something like that.  anyway, i'll put up the tin box for her family's gift.  i think they'll use it now.

my family is so dysfunctional, i admit a brother/sister relationship.  but that's it.  i have 3 sisters that do not talk to me, so why shouldn't i accept it and move on?  i should.  and i normally do.  i don't think of them much, more lately tho, which is why i'm posting this.  i think my sisters are net savvy, and with a little work, i could probably track down anything i wanted to know about them.  i don't because they're not worth the effort

happy thanksgiving to you all.  hope you don't over eat too much.  i know today's a day of food and family.  the food is about as good as the family.  actually i celebrated thanksgiving last nite with some pretty decent friends. i seem to be accepted by most of those folks.  it kinda suprises me that i can get along with some people.  of course, i don't anticipate their patronage, so there's never a call out on the issue.  they're definitely unique especially after dealing with big city folk.  i think the people that i'm referring to would appreciate my keeping their identities private.

"see you have people who care for you." is ringing in my ear. well, duh, i never thought otherwise. again, my purpose in this whole venture is hopefully stir up the pot some, and get some discussion going on the subject of suicide.  people tend to lump suicide with something that must mean i'm depressed.  and i'm not.  sure there's a lot in my life that i don't particularly jump for joy at the drop of a hat over.  but i wouldn't classify any of them, and combined as well, as to be suffering from depression simply because i'm suicidal.  so, i'm holding my head up going into this.

well, i'm going to trust that you've had your fill for the day.  enjoy it. 

happy thanksgiving.

i just wanted to stop by quick and say happy thanksgiving to you all.  you'll probably be happy to know that i'm still around to share these holiday times.  that's fine.  i just look at things in a whole different way.  but strangely enough i don't look at things with the finite outlook i could, or should, have.  i'm not doing anything that i wouldn't have done otherwise.  given the comfortableness of the event as a whole, one would be prudent to take a look at all of the feelings that are surrounding me. enveloping me.  making me whole in one thing.  i used to be like that.  but any more i just go with the flow.  i don't chart territory any more.  this is like seeing the aura from everything living.  

this thanksgiving will serve as a means by which i can have my last goodbyes.  they won't know it, and it'll be fun seeing them as they are.  the only problem i see happening is if someone were to email me with concerns, i'd have to remain anonymous, leQ, or quasar.  there's a funny story that goes along with how i picked out leQ.  i'll be able to say good bye without them knowing it because i want to remember them for what they are, not what they'll do when they discover something, and by not being forceful in nature, i can ride along whatever trails are being examined.  if i left them alone and let them make all the decisions, there's a sense of empowerment.  

by all accounts, i would be able to view humans in all their pleasure and self-sustaining attitudes.  i don't dare let them in on the secret.  i don't wanna go to mercy, and am not expecting to until next tuesday.  i see my doctor one more time.  he's not going to know the truth either, as much as i would like to discuss this in greater detail.  but they'll get all bent and broken about things and call the sherriff. i certainly can't let that happen now can i.  at least i'll be eating good.  yup, the holidays are upon us.  get your wallet out and start watching the money fly away.  this will be the most expensive christmas i have done in a long time.  i'd like to get my friend a new computer.  we'll have to leave the rest of the clues hidden.  

one more week.  i suppose i could make the most of it.  but what would i do having dozens of friends, i have dozens of friends, just not the kind you pinch at the next party.  since this is the week of thanksgiving, and most of my memorable moments have just by luck happened on thanksgiving.  but i gotta run now.  my ride is here.

so, what's it like to know your life will end in a week's time?  what questions would you have?  knowing how and when support the theory of reincarnation and death as part of that process.  reincarnation folks probably have a whole set of rules and regulations, none of which i know personally, i dunno.  when i use the word i mean reincarnation as in you keep the same soul through more than one life form.

that death is only an event on a chain of events that compose as life.  i only hope that death is an event that really only lasts a second or two.  death is a real thing.  the realist of real.  it's the permanence of it all that i quiver about.  i wouldn't like to have pain when i die.  to have pain as your last emotion, well, that would be sad.

i dunno about the timing yet.  how i'm going to have everything ready to go, i'll have to make a check off list.  there's a lot that's going to have to be done.  i'm going to assume a 48 hour discovery.  48 hours into the death.  that should be more than enough time for the ambien to do it's job.  i'm assuming i'm gonna be knocked out and i'll simply pass out. now whether or not i awake, well, that's a diffedrent story.  best left to another post.

i see a week of activity where i see myself participating in some thanksgiving festivities at a friend's house.  she's got a large family, so there will be many people around most of the time.    there's a nikkie over there ... i don't remember her last name, but she's a GF to someone over there.  i think.  i really don't know her.  she must get online and saw this blog.  i hope i'm spelling her name right, forgive me if i'm not.  

i will say however, that i think of death as something that is rather inviting.  it's calling out to me to join in.  join in what, i have no idea.  but i feel the urge to do what i'm doing.  getting people to discuss the issue of suicide in an open and frank way is one of my tasks.  a discussion that is no bull.  

but i will let you know when i know.  defining the timeline is something that i'd like to get done this next week.  i'll have it all mapped out, if you will.  the journey of a lifetime.   a timeline at this time would need to be changed daily, i'm keeping close tabs on it with the diary.  i just passed the 1000 page the other day.  ya,. a thousand, or more.  i think i'm on page 1007.  doule aught seven.  isn't there a james bond movie iopening up this season?  seems to me an ad for it played on my television (scifi channel 24/6) recently for a december opening. but i'll know when the time is right and i'll have a good 8 hour notice to basically get the finishing touches on some things, and generally be in good shape to die.  diva, my cat will no doubt need comfort.  i just hope my friend pete's got it in him to let diva be diva.  she'll treat you right by not being a pest.  i talk to my petes.  i'm sure she'll get used to your voice and associate you with something nice.

this is not my last post.  i plan on posting on a number of subjects, and tie it all together with my death.  i may be dead, but i'm not forgotten.  i've got farpoint up on krak.net and north iowa bowowleague.net will be on krak & cheap-bastards.  i don't have anything left on butt.0x.net.  but krak is fast and he'll be around for the foreseeable future.  i got some years on farpoint.  2017 is when it'll be due again.  12/18/2017 i think.  unless i give it another 5 years.  that's almost 10 years.  heh, i've been in mason city for 10 years now. jus celebrated my anniversary the other day.  on the 11th actually.

but we've got some time ahead, you and me.  we'll be covering different subjects and you'll always get my view, whether you respect that is the million dollar question.  i'm brash at times, and at times i get riled up.  i make no excuse.  i call it like i see it.  and i see at least another week.  we got time here.  i can make a period of 3-4 days seem like 9-10 days.  and i can probably cover 3-4 days with my current riled-upness.  iow, in a decent mood.

labels for this post.  jee, does it save with the post as what?  insertlabel15?  i see you can change the date.  that's not to say it's got automatic posting for those that are ready to publish.  i can have several drafts, but to make one out of it, it's a bit confusing the way it's setup now.

some stats

Twenty-two percent (29/131) of a group of AIDS patients died by physician-assisted suicide (PAS) or euthanasia, compared to about two percent of all deaths. Based on an examination of each case, "[There was not] any substantial shortening of life by euthanasia/PAS...most of these patients would have died naturally within one month."

http://www.a1b2c3.com/suilodge/faceut1.htm

one month??  that seems like a select group of individuals.  people who have aids are no different in their outlook on life than normal people.  for all in tense and purpose, people with aids tend to be more enlightened about pain and suffering, be it physical or emotionall than normal people, and when i say normal, i mean the median score on the curve.  that data also showed an astounding statistic.  22% of aids patients commited suicide, assisted.  that's a high number imho.  i belong in that 22%. i wonder how many patients of cancer, aids, or anything physically depleting would commit suicide and discuss the subject openly and vividly.  would they believe that there's a God out there, and He will be the judge of your life?  

regardless of your belief in the hereinafter, you can understand the whole thing as a personal matter.  that because it's a personal matter, it belongs on the list of things to contemplate.  the pros and cons of a suicide wish list. that they and other non-interested parties who become involved in this matter, they too much agree that suicide is a personal matter best left up to you and your maker.  whether they would support an assisted suicide is still a long way off.  even the mere discussion of the matter is brought up and made known to the professional medical staff, things start to take on the tone of a person fighting for his rights.  and losing.

it should be known that this site believes in assisted suicide.  euthanasia is still a concept that requires a lot of knowledge and understanding.  that involves other people. i'm only interested in things that involve moi.  self-centered yes, but that's what a blog is.  fields of poopy has had a long run, as a political junkie at first, then mellowed out with the suicide tracking.    i'm hoping that someone learn something they didn't know before they read my rants.  and boy can the kid talk on and on and on and on.  really.  i get tired of it in the 3rd paragraph.  but i tough it out and read on.  NOT!  hah, no really, not.

suicide is a fleeting thought today.  i have to reach out and grab it to get into the mode.  for some reason it's avoiding me.  i'll get interested in something else.  ya, right.  suicide overwrites all previous ways of living.  we live to enjoy life to its fullest.  we die when the time is right, and only God knows that for sure.  i don't believe that God is controlling me and my thoughts, but He's certainly privvy to the inner most thoughts, and whether they're suicideal or not, should be treated with dignity and respect.  

i long for a day when humans get rid of money and all things capitalistic.  not really for the soviet style oppression, but getting rid of money would go a long long way to being an enlightened civilization.  we need aliens to come make themselves known.  we need a stargate to happen.  imagine that.  oh well.  it was a thought worthy of a script.  money is evil in it's purest form.  having it and not having it, brings on a slew of problems.  ya cant live without it, ya cant live with it.  actually, money means very little to me any more.  i spoze if i was starving and had no money, i would be singing a different tune.   but money hardly means what it used to mean.  i don't spend on things i like i used to.

so, what's a kid like you doing in a place like this, huh.  a rhetorical question if ever there was any.  but a kid like you don't belong in here.  actually, all my life i've heard that from ppl.  not just my friends, but my acquaintances too.  that i was really from another place, another time, and just never felt comfortable around a crowd of people.  even when i was a dj, i wouldn't ever shine the lights in the booth so the people can see their dj.  i would rather not, be seen.  anyway, i really liked being a dj.  i played in clubs in miami, key west, orlando?  i think one in orlando i went to it.  but i dunno.  it's like st. louis.  don't remember coming into town, only that i woke up one afternoon and being told that i got in the nighbefore and dj'd at a club in town, then came back to the baths.  and going to sleep right aweay.  so when i woke, i had some explaining to do.  to somebody.  maybe not.  i never had a love in pittsburgh.  anyway, commercial's over.

i should read what i've posted.  i might learn something.  see, automatic writing is jus4t that.  automatic.  having no forethought to it's creation.  like you, i would be reading it for the first time.  i think i have forethought, once in a while.  i'd rather that it happens because it happens.  i believe that with my soul on the table, i like to play to win.  i'm not a very good loser.  privately, i'm a winner all the time.  or most of the time.  i don't know anybody who could lose 24/7 and be fine with it.  losing to me is like the loss of either some dignity, or the more hurtful, soul.

i keep asking myself why am i not out doing whatever the hell i wanted to do.  just because i donit plan on being around to answer for my actions.  but i don't.  not in the least.  i pretty much do what i want to do any way.  i have very little restraint in place.  had this been 3 years ago, i would be considered a success of a storybook relationship i had with myself.  this is like getting awfully close to being personal. 

suicide is a personal subject.  it really only affects the one who is doing the deed.  other people around him/her take suicide as a bad thing.  i hold that death is a positive notion, but dying is where the pain is.  look at cancer patients, the terminal ones.  i wonder what they're outlook on life is.  where would you even look for that kind of information.  google?  what terms should i search for? suicide terminal disease ?

well, i started reading one of those links and got to this place.  i couldn't read it all. my eyes are one of those things you lose as you gain in age.  vision isn't what it used to be.  another reason i don't try reading what i'm typing.  but death in the eyes of some of these people is a convincing subject matter.  death and dying are two related things.  dying conures up this mystical being released from the body.  death is when dying is complete.  that's the relationship between the two.  

in god we trust

tonite i'd like to talk about trust.  trust is everywhere.  in people.  in things.  in just about everything, there's a certain level of trust between you and that person, or with that thing (i trust the car will get me to work in the morning).  trust that can easily be dismissed with a bad act.  trust can be easily quantified.  trust is one of the building blocks of humanity.   animals even have trust in their lives.  so it's a life thing, rather than a human thing.  not rather than, in addition to it being. a human thing.  sounds dirty duzn't it.

trust earned the hard way can be one way of gaining trust.  you spend trust just the same.  let's say you gain someone's trust, and he decides to back your new venture with a million bucks.  that's a million dollar trust.  in business they write it all down on paper.  all the same thing, i trust you, and you trust me.  and with a million dollars at stake, i would think that tust would be worth gold.  i also must be trust worthy.  worthy of said trust.  a million dollars can buy you a lot of trust.

how does this play out on the suicidee's house? diversion can be good for the soul.  talking about trust and knowing that others' trust in me could be in jeopardy over this suicide deal. i have to think about this some more.  i wish i didn't have to be so concerned about our trust.  i can see why suicide would upset that balance with these people.  it would be nice if we could all trust each other and voila, we have a perfect world.  but this is a mad world.  like the song says, something to the effect of the dreams are the best i've ever had.  the whole song is great.  but back to the subject du jour.  trust.

trust is a two-way deal.  it can't be just one side trusting the other.  that's lop sided.  i trust very few people, and nobody with the keys to the house.  on 911 knows (it's in the 2nd line for the address).  nobody has my trust without question.  and very few have even an ounce of my deep trust.   the only trust that i give to people is with money.  it's easier to quantify too.  but money is the main reason for someone to trust me.  i've handled large amounts in my time.  money doesn't scare me.  i trust money.  trust it'll get me what i have to have, and enough left over for some of those desireables.  

ya, money and i go way back.  :)  really, i used to have so much money i could do anything i wanted to.  but times have changed.  people have changed.  and yet money remains the leader in the trust department.  money buys trust.  however, that's not to say trust isn't free.  well, nothing's free doll, but that's another story.  but everyone pays for the trust in some way.  money, or favor.  all the same to me.  but it seems the more money you have, you're afforded that much extra trust.  uh huh.

trust with love is another kind of trust.  one that i didn't have, nor ever had, that trust in love.  shame too because i sure loved the hell out of a few boys.  but there was only the like-me trust in any of my relationship i've had in the past.  i was in love, he wasn't.  it was the same for all 4 of 'em.  they weren't ready to have that level of trust in me, and i didn't blame them for it.  i knew i was on the shortcoming set and kept to myself most of my life.  not a real socialite if ya know what i mean.

i trust that i'm going to die when i say it's time.  and that it won't drag out for days on end.  i also trust that linda is going to do what i proscribed in theNote.  theNote started to get out of control, so i whittled it down to 2 pages, and a list separately spells out what i need done.  thinking about this has me wondering now, i have things that probably should go into the will.  ever worked on one of those things?  it's like i have to make sure they don't have questions that can be answered in a letter.  i gotta get someone to do about 16 things.  from calling people, to calling utilities/etc. and discontinue service.  this whole paragraph is getting to sound like it should be in a post by itself.

but my trust is in certain people and they've earned thjeir trust by being trust worthy first, and civil/professional second.  i don't trust a lot in any pareticular religion.  what i believe would fill a page or two, so i won't get into the details here.  but suffice it to say i believe in reincanation, and to some extent that whole trip of being out of body, having a conscious experience and having the ability to give life to a new body, and someone is keeping score.  there, that about sums up my belief system, and i'll be glad to discuss them in another forum.

but trust is something that should be taken with a grain of salt.  in god we trust.  i wonder how many people actually trust god, having never met the man.  

well, if you're still reading this, understand one thing.  understand that i am merely writing what comes to mind.  i think about it only after it's been mentioned.  what gets said here is from a part of me that wants to die.  there's another part of me tho, that needs to live.  balancing the two is how the game is played.  to live, one only needs to breathe.  to die however, even with the different ways of it happening, to die is a one way street.  when you die, you die.  when you live, you also live.  but you can do so much more when you live.  and death is only a part of life .. the part that makes eveything else seem as if it didn't matter.  tnot a care in the world for the way you live your life.  like mtm tossing her hat in the beginning of the mary tyler moore show.

i think it's the permanence of it that must be weighed in by about 3 times.  take for instance, when one is suicidal, yet isn't really ready to 'die', how much weight would you equate the event with?  would you put more weight on the isssue because .of it's permanence?  i think i've  already made clear that you don't absolutely gotta have it, depression.  without depression, how can one be suicidal?  i can only answer that i'm not depressed.  or i might be and i don't know it.  it's kinda hard to take a good look at yourself when you live alone.  i used to have a floor-length mirror, made me tall and thin.  :)

death is such a taboo word it seems.  one must be a believer or a non-believer.  power over your death is the ultimate power.  the ability to say you know when you're going to die has got to ignite something down there.  death to me is, i think it is when you crossover onto another plane of existence.  your soul, or whatever you wanna call it, but the essence of life that exists beyond existence...  whatever you wanna call it, is very real.  not touchey feely, but real nonetheless, non-depression, or whatever you wanna call it, can be anything.  it doesn't have to be but a few things.  being real has got to mean from the heart.  if one would leave the thinking processes alone, then we'd all be living in a better world.

i haven't been giving too much thought about the instant i die, what happens, and how long does that last.  i'd like to know what transpires right at that moment when breathing stops and eyes close, and the heart stops.  i always wondered, can people feel their own heartbeat?  i do.   reflections such as that happen with greater frequency.  

well, i guess i've taken uip enough of your time.  thanks for sticking around.  read on and take into consideration that you're passing throgh time backwards. 

right now, right here

what's that song, right now right here?  i keep going over the same stanza of this song that has right now right here in it.  but i don't know the name to the tune.   there's some hits on right now, right here, and maybe i just have it ass backwards.  but it's a tune i can't get out of my head.  

it's not the song i was thinking of, but since hearing right here right now i've grown fond of that song.  the links are to some fatboy slim tunes and videos.  anyway, this song is a nice piece done by fatboy slim.  they have another tune i like, i don't know the name of it, but i do recognize the name fatboy slim.  i don't know music like i used to when i was in the business. 

suicide isn't on my mind today.  probably good too because i would hate to have to feel that way until it happens.  i really don't wanna make a big deal about it either.  nor do i want something after the event.  i did think about it earlier today tho.  it's an event that crys out for understanding.  i get the chills once in a while.  a *shiver* happens when i hit the nail on the head.  right now right here is a perfect expression for what i'm going through.  things mean a lot more - obviously.  

what will i miss most?  that's hard to say. i would have to say diva, hands down.  her health and keeping are my main concern.  i trust my friend pete who agreed to take her when that time comes.  but her future is very much a concern for me, a point that could derail this whole trip.  if i let it.  it wouldn't be hard to not to.  her love and prrr will be missed.  i could shed some tears on the issue.  but i won't.

suffice it to say, there's reason out there for both sides of this debate.  both sides are correct when the reason is bisexual.  that was hard to express.  i say bisexual because of the way both sides are right.  this isn't a male/female thing, nor is it a macho man thing.  in fact, sex hasn't played a part in my decision making processed in 2 years or more.  jan of 2005.  the day of dad's funeral to be exact. listening to bothsides, when actually, the only one whose thoughts matter is myself.  if i were to listen to anybody else, i would feel not in control.  i like control.  control group was the name of my company back in 81.  since then, i've been totally asexual... something i should be proud of, things just don't have the same aura they oince had.  but that's just growing up and getting grey.  is it ay or ey?

when i think about the suicide thing, i get into one of these modes that sees nothing else along the way.  very narrow-sighted.  i think there's a term for that, god help me i don't know what it is.  but if and when i think about suicide, i don't get depressed.  and i didn't have any tears - until tonite.  not full-fledged tears, but water in the eye tearing up.  i'll miss a lot more than i thought about.  and i'm afraid if i continue to dwell on those issues i may not get the job done.

when is still unknown.  i know it'll be a few more days.  i keep feeling like i'm going to get into getting out of it, i doubt that i'll have any issues that haven't been through online here, and i am using fields as a means of bouncing back with comments, even though they're not online, i do know that there have been hits.  i was just hoping for more comments i guess.  i know there was a period of time when the page was private, but that didn't last too long.  i got the weblogs the other day and ran them through one of those loggers that you can find almost anywhere on the web ...  didn't really tell me anything i didn't know or was interested in.  it was nice seeing the referrer stats.  that made reading the report more interesting.

but back to when.  i'll know it when it arrives.  i'll jus sit up and say, it's time.  and then i'll proceed to the bedroom.  taking these pills, all 40 of them, could pose to be a bit more difficult than i think.  thank god they're small tablets.  it'll make taking them more easy.  then after i down the pills, i would probably check the house one last time.  make sure the back door is locked, and the kats, and yes, wilth a K, out in the porch are fed and have dinner in their dish.  i should just put out the bag, but then i'll have every cat in the neighborhood coming over.  it is thanks giving.  i spoze i could tolerate it for a day.  buster and blacky have been getting milk from me in addition to special kitty food.  diva doesn't like me doing that but she's got no choice.  

on my last time through the old house, there's a lot of memories in this house.  i don't have pictures much, on the mac i have face.jpg and a sequence of that every other day or so.  i spoze if i ran them alol through a sequencer, they could account for a good portion of my life.  i would turn on the tv, and get into bed.  falling asleep could prove interesting.  i would think, taking 40 sleeping pills, that i would jus gently fall asleep, and let the good times roll.

when?  i dunno.  stay tuned.  i'll post here with my last dying breath.

a real rant

what's a man supposed to feel, 48 hours before his death.  knowing what time you go has got to be a gift.  i doubt everybody can do that.  but having that knowledge has got to lead to some advantages in life.  just think, you won't be around to see your next credit card bill.  you won't have to pretend any more.  all that is in the future for me for sure is sleep.  hopefully i won't awaken before the event  .  provided i can get to sleep in the first place.

but knowing the time of your death has got to be a real gift.  i won't be able to tell the difference it'll make.  i think it was 1984 or so when i had my vision of dying.  i saw how it was to die.  and felt it.  it felt cold.  it was like a cold wave of water came over me.  talk about *shiver*ing.  death was real cold and that was the big and most important thing i remember from that vision.  although it told me that the manner in which my death occurred.  and that was by hanging.  i was going to die by hanging.  i'm of the belief like that of my most recent visions i go by drug overdose.   now whether that meant suicide, or accidental, i don't know.  i am unable to recall much more than a few tidbits of knowledge from that event.  and i call it an event only because of the lasting effect it had on me.

but it's getting close.  close to the day of the event.  my heart is pounding rather hard right now.  i think maybe i should learn something.  just what that is is beyond me right now.  i thought i had a darn good education, and applied learning techniques to most of my active and productive life.  i was always eager to learn new stuff.  made me a good candidate for something, i jus never really found out what.  ya know, ya think you've lived a good life because you don't harm or wish harm to one's neighbors.  'sides, i hate fights.  boxing too.  and this ultimate fighting they got goin now, is way out of my league.  i was most comfortable in the navy.  

i figure i have a while yet before the event.  i can't put my finger on any date, yet.  i'll post in here and hopefully make this blog the last online thing i do.  i have mIRC and sit on #mindvox, and #interport. i'm  not real active as you can see.  

i was able to watch history in the making.  walking on the moon.  the tearing down of the berlin wall... of the computer.  just think where we would be without the computer.  i know i'd be lost to high heaven if i didn't have my box.  my life is on that box.  mess with that and you're messin with my livelihood. 

the computer tho has affected us all in such a way that has yet to be defined.  the computer is credited with having saved countless lives.  it's affect on humanity is global in nature and extremely individualistic.  there are lessons to be learned in almost every corner.

take 9/11, a tragedy of the highest order.  i have my #mindvox log for several hours on that morning.  it still gives me the *shivers*.  i think because i was watching cnn or msnbc that morning.  i wish i had diary that went back that far, but alas, 2000, june is the first of my diaries, but i still have the 1986-2008 years.   but 9/11 will always stick in my mind as something you experience and hope you never repeat it.  the world trade center was my backyard for a few years.  I lived across the street from the american stock exchange.  the building i moved out of was torn down later in 2001, as it was almost destroyed under the WTC debris.  it was another one of those god's saving me for some reason events.

oh the memories.  they seem to flash before my eyes, and there's little i can do about it.  i think i'm reliving (in feeling) moments from my time here on earth, and 9/11 stands out and about as high as the day i went into the navy.  that's when i became david schmidt again.  nehemiah mahana just disappeared.  but that's for another day.

i'm giving it about 5 days before i go.  that'll put me into saturday, and that's not one of the days i remember expressing.  so figure next wednesday.  this planning like this, produces a strange feeling/sensation.  not quite *shiver*, but not as cold.  i wonder, how is one supposed to act in my position?

i just hope none of you go off your rocker and get all excited and tell me that i shouldnt do it, and give me reasons from here to the setting sun why, but since it's not illegal, and one can not simply call up the sherriff and have him arrest an individual and put him/her into the nearest psych ward.  but since it's legal, i don't see the harm in writing about it.  i think that's why i'm here.  to write about my experience.  at least make it known that there is dignity in death this way.  suicide isn't always a depressing event.  not to me it's not.  many people would argue with me on that front.  but i have maintained that i'm going to go into this with my head held high and as knowledgable 

so please, if you've got some constructive criticism, by all means email me.

oh wow

something that hit me like a ton of bricks.  in iowa, suicide is not illegal.  i think only assisted suicide is.  but there is no law on the books outlawing suicide.  i searched the 2007 code here.

that's enlightening.  i'm also told that in order for 2 people to forcibly commit another person to the psych ward, one needs approval and a judge's signature to do it.  since i have a decent lawyer, i can't see that happening.  so that little show of force the other day was just that, a dog and pony show.  and i fell for it.

but never again.  famous last words wouldn't ya say?

correction

oh my bad.  i have diaries online that go back to february of 1986.  so it's not 1984, like the movie.  1986 is the beginning of one of my lives.  and i think i went through several lives from that period to 2000.

and the doctor said, part deux

went to see dr. johnson today.  got right in and right out for a total of 20 minutes tops from walk-in to walk-out.  the fastest i've seen yet.  but i couldn't talk to him about suicide.  had i even mentioned it he would certainly have called upstairs and get me committed.  i really believe that, and am sadded that i couldn't tell him the real story.  i feel like i need some guidance from the medical community.  i'm already connected to the spiritual community, to the extent i want, and am seeking counsel on the physical side of things.  like the mechanics of ambien.  how does it work, and what would it take to produce a coma, and general things like that.  the need for more information is the driving force behind my questions.

i don't know what i'd say to my doctor.  i'd ask him about ambien.  and whether or not one can be dead, but still having a heart beat.  what about breathing, and things that deal with the lungs.  what stops the breathing?  would the heart go first? or the lungs?  i still have yet to find answers to a lot of questions i have, mainly about death, but dying (heh, death and dying, didn't i make a post about that?) and the mechanics of it all.  

the very fact that i couldn't open up with my doctor only proves my point:  we need more dicussion about it.  suicide is something strictly personal, and only one soul affected.  i believe in laws that provide the right to die, instead of laws that would criminalize suicide.  i'm not sure where iowa stands on this, but if i'm dead, how would i be affected won't matter.  still, i'm curious now.  something to do.

but getting back to my doctor's appointment today... my doctor is really a cool ass dude.  he's always been there for me for the last 10 years.  we've built up a nice relationship, and he was going to keep me even though he's letting go of about a hundred (or more) patients to pursue this new center for diabetes.  i guess they're holding off on moving him right now, and it's been pushed back to january from what i gather (i spoke with melinda).  but who knows. they'll probably never get it done, although i have to admit, having that valet there in winter has got to be one of the best things mercy's done in the last 5 years.

even though my appointment lasted less than 10 minutes, i can see why, he's only charging me 45 bucks.  or something like that, i get this monthly thing.  it tracks my prescription and my medical use.  it's a nice package. i record everything. i've got diaries that go back to 1984.  i think it's 84.  i was going to put them all on the web, and got only into the 4th book.  check it out.

so medical care in this community while needing improvements, has come a long way.  i find the majority of personnel there caring like they should be.  one can always expect to be taken seriously when dealing with mercy.  if i were to rate it overall, i'd give it a 7.5.  out of 10.  what do i like about them the most?  i'd have to say their approach to an issue.  you always know where they stand on things. that's not to imply there's nothing that gets in below radar.  they pride themselves of making the top 100 hospitals in the nation.  as they should. but between them and the mayo clinic?  they're about the same.  mayo is also world renowned.  holding up mercy to that standard would be unfair.  so take it with a grain of salt, it's only my opinion.

suffice it to say, i'm comfortable and relaxed when i deal with mercy.   and they're it for medical care in north iowa.  there's mayo 90 miles away, but that's only quarterly.  december 8th is my next appt there.  whether or not i make it really depends on several things. and i go back to johnson in 2 weeks - this is the 2nd time in as many weeks that he's seeing me.  even though he's been all smiley and shit, one would get the sense that he's the joking type because he has this smile on him all the time.  if johnson were with some other organization or on his own even, i would go to whereever he went.  he'd keep me as a patient until i die, even though it'll be sooner than he thinks.

the only thing i dislike about mercy is the fact that they can not handle this discussion.  hence, i post alot about it in here, plus there's the ability to deny the truth.  not that i would lie, but i may not offer the whole truth about things, and request that i be respected in that manner, not classify me as a psycho in need of psychiatric intervention.  being locked up on 5 east is just something that would not help matters any.  in fact i could be forced to take matters into hand and do something i'm not planning on.  but telling the truth to mercy just isn't a possibility at this time.  i'm hoping that their dealings with me may change that.  i do have that therapist's card, ---  see what i mean?  there's no email address on her business card.  just one of those things they didn't think about.  that's ok, i have the email address of that therapist, lee-ann nelson i think her name is.  nice lady.  gave me that life is like a river explanation link.  

well, i think i've taken up enough of your time tonite.  thanks for hangin with me.  i'll be back.

so far this week

remember when i almost got locked up last week?  well, in that event i agreed to see one of their therapists.  in behavioral services.  or the psych ward.  she was keen on believing me when i told her that this was all a misunderstanding.  it was.  and some.  since i only have one more doctor appointment, tomorrow, i don't have anything on the calendar until december 8th, when i go to mayo.  of course, i kept that to myself.  i hold my freedom as a precious commodity.

anyway, i'm in this lady's office and she's asking thousands of questions, it was like the only thing she didn't ask me was how big i was.  really.  talk about 20 questions.  this was like 60 questions.  everything under the sun it seemed was important.  and i understood, and was growing tired of the answers.  but she did pass along a nice link for me on the subject of death.

http://www.near-death.com/experiences/research01.html.  life is a river it seems.  ya, i can see that.  i've never made the comparison before but it's right on the money.  

i'm commited to nothing right now.  and it's an experience i used to relish.  i have nothing that is keeping me around to hold on to.  or to look foward to.  kinda empty actually.  tomorrow, i should be expecting much of the same as today, only with someone i've never seen before.  so it'll be interesting.  and i can't very well ask that she find the body.  so thursday is best for discovery.  that means a wednesday is best to do it on.  so we're back to wednesday.  funny how that keeps happening.  something else, i can't remember now how wednesday came up.

that's tomorrow.  dear.  to morrow ?  this has me thinking of the possibilities.  of the possible postponement?  funny how that's not the thing that's most on my mind right now.  but tomorrow would be a feat i think only hercules could perform.  and i am no hercules.  not tonite.  but tomorrow, i'll go see johnson, and play the game.  then come home and be miserable with this fuckn pain in my left leg, and pop more methadone - i'm taking 45 10mg tablets ... a day.  enough said.

but this week is still in the playing field.  get beyond tomorrow, and i'll have to forge ahead for 7 more days.  i should probably take this private, but i'll keep it public ... for now.  am i close?  i'm close.  like in horseshoes...  not a ringer, but still worth the throw.

why not now?

i'm posting because i would like an answer from you.  why not now?  that could be asked of both sides of this debate.  why not now.  it's a simple question.  one that deserves attention,.  why not now could be used by someone who is contemplating suicide and by someone who expresses dissatisfaction of the whole idea.  it would mean two different things.  why not now is a perfectly legit question for both sides.

why not now.  there's probably a host of reasons why.  school tomorrow.  wanna see who wins the american idol.  family is getting together next week.  all sorts of reasons for why not now.  why not now?  because i don't feel like it.  

why not now can also be used by those that advocate suicide.  it acts as a postponing agent.  why not now causes one to think just the opposite, why now.  why now and why not now are excellent examples of thought and thinking.  too many think that suicide is done without much thinking.  i'm here to point out that is wrong.  there's a whole lot of thinking going on, if you will.

but in answer to your question, i'll part with this:  because it's my time to go.  i know it'll happen at my hand.  i've known about this for many many years and every so often i dwell upon the subject, and often find myself misunderstood.  i'm sure suicide is a personal thing with you, no?  that suicide is taboo because it is gauche?  or does suicide actually make you ill?  i find myself questioning the messenger, rather than concentrating on the message.

why not now is a question that invites another question - why now?  suicide isn't but one thing,  the end all of endalls.  something that once accomplished, is over permanently.  it's something that can not be withddrawn later.  the permanence of it makes me shiver sometimes. but there's something else that's afoot here.  i don't act like 'what the hell, i aint gonna be around to suffer any consequences' shit.

nope.  why not now has only one answer for me tonite.  and i wish i could understand and know what that answer is.  to tell you the truth, i'm too lazy to get up and go find those pills, and get myself ready for one last night.  i should think about this some more, i'm finding myself asking who ever is listening, what is it that makes me not wanna do this.  i cant put my finger on any one answer, but i can't think of anything more than one answer.  i would have to think on it some more, but right now mother nature is starting to part company.

death and dying

death and dying.  two subjects that should probably mean the same thing.  it's all about the end of life.  i think one concentrates more on the approach to that end, and death is the actual deed that constitutes the end of life.  i pretty much use the terms without much thought.  if i were to really think about death and dying, i could see myself commiting suicide.  

i figure if i were to think about it and delve really deep into the subject matter, i would be convinced that what i believed were to be the actual way it is.  when in fact, there can be no assurance of what happens at that point.  i think the process of dying holds more truth in words than what death is about.  for dying takes some time, usually.  for those who go immediately, i think they're spared the suffering that takes shape during the period of one dying.

i dont believe that suicide is wrong tho.  the process of dying is still evident in many of the reasons behind most suicidal persons' desire to kill themselves.  iow, someone who's gravely ill - it doesn't have to be terminal - who thinks dying is the only way to end the suffering.  maybe the person just feels it's his time to go and doesn't suffer prior to the event.  people with money problems for instance.  the suffering they endure may not be physical, it could be all emotional, but the suffering is there.  since that's not the case with me, i wouldn't be able to comment on what it's like for those persons.

i do believe that given enough physical suffering, there will come a time when suicide looks like the best option.  there are those who would disagree with me on that point (so post a comment  about it).  i'm a firm believer in the persons' right to die, and only he/she would be able to draw the line as to when enough is enough.  an illness that basically costs the person the dignity of living life to its fullest is cause enough to commit suicide.  and i'm sure there will be those who would disagree with me on that point.  but i believe in the fundamental right to die.  should we question the person's motives?  absolutely.  maybe they haven't thought out all the options clearly enough to be able to make such a permanent decision. 

but when the person knows and has weighed all the options to the satisfaction of himself (or herself), i think that person should be allowed to end their lives, and have it done as painlessly as possible.  i happen to live in a state that doesn't recognize the person's right to die, yet.  they will, as will all the states come to their senses on this matter.  washington and oregon have laws that allow suicide to be assisted by medical personnel.  Death with dignity has the best up-to-date information on the movement.  i salute those folks over there for their hard work on the Washington Act.

i'm sure you can find millions of websites out there about death and dying.  google returned almost 3 million sites.  i wonder if fields is one of them.  i guess i need an outlet to express what i can't do in person with the people i have around me.  i tried to check out how certain people around me felt about the subject, and they were all pretty much on the same page:  suicide is bad.  so we didn't reallky discuss it much.  there's no changing their attitudes.  a shame too.  so this is my only 'out' when it comes to right to die issues.  i wish the medical community around me were more open to discussion than what they've shown me.  i understand their position, but i don't think they understand mine.  and this is really the only way i can get some things off my chest as it were.

and something else that bugs me.  people equate dying with depression.  people don't have to be depressed in their quest to die.  i'm sure it's a decent reason for the deed, but still, one doesn't depend on the other.  i don't think i'm depressed, or suffering from depression.  sure i'm taking an anti-depressant (effexor), but i don't think it's influenced my decision much.

it's really weird feeling like i do.  i have these sensations that make me shiver sometimes.  like when i think about the moment of death where you will have drawn your last breath.  what that is like.  and try to figure out what exactly happens at that point.  i've read some people's interpretations of various religious texts, but since i'm a man without religion (i was raised catholic but haven't been to mass in more than 15 years).  i'm not one to get too involved in other people's religions.  my belief system is a hard one to articulate.

anyway, i'm done for tonite.  i'll post again tomorrow (or the next day) - if i make it that long.

new look

some of you might have noticed already, but poopy has a new look.  nothing radical really, just tweaking the ad sense agreement.  i have none, or so i thought.  my publisher ID is some  long ass number (it's in my phonebook tho).  so they're having to send something to somebody.  right?  i wonder if the irs would catch this as a red flag.  i dunno.  i figure what the hell.  but i've gotta say.  i've never had a bounced check.  that's because i keep good records.  can't really say good can i.  i lost a bunch of information.  all of 2002 it seems.  has gone away to lala land.  i have the master which covers most of 2000, and all ove 2001, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, and 2008, well, up to halloween 2008.  but that's a lot of information.  i cant remember the exact number, but it's like almost a decade's worth of life.  it might not have been the glamorous life, nor much of a life at all.  that was the point of moving to mason city from new york.  change of rhythm.

well, i got what i paid for on that front.  walking in mason city isn't like walking in new york.  everybody drives around here.  but in new york, we walked or took public transportation.  but it was different enough that i thought i'd get away from what was obviously a problem that went whereever i went. the problem was me.  if there was a problem.  dealing with the health issues i have doesn't excuse me from doing what i did.  and if you think you're going to get me to confess to something, don't hold your breath.  i am divulgoing only what is pertinent to the story.

back to the issue at hand.  getting away from new york.,  and i got away.  way away.  if ever there was a counter-new york, it would be mason city.  i dunno why. the justice system around here is pretty new yorkish.  unless you don't believe law & order.  anyway, i got away from other new yuorkers, but stuck with the new york Q, er the new yorker david.  i brought back some or anything i could think of, as long as it was from new york.  and on and on i went with the partying and getting hit by the police pne time for public intox.  that was dean's funeral.  i got drunk and tried to drive home.  ya wuld think i'm a stalwart supporter of drunk driving laws.  i ammm, but not for the reason you might think.  but suffice it to say, i learned a little bit about mason city justice.

it wasn't until the last coupla years, actually, since my father's funeral.  i remember it like it was yesterday.  the day i took a major turn around, and for no apparent reasoning or supportive system in place.   didn't have to go to any meetings or anything of that sort.  it wasn't the 12 step program - i know about those things.  but ever since my dad's funeral (in 2005 i think it was).  i can't search the obits on globegazette.com.  i don't like their site very much.  had to read.  even with the text way up there.  anyway, i came to mason city to bring internet into the midwest.  i went around and got people online.  if they didn't have a computer, i would build them one.  but i got 'em all online and excited about the future.

the goin was good, as they say,.  i then got sick, and have been wrong ever since.  sickness can do some pretty fierce things to the body.  i went from a healthy 195 to a paltry 153.  and that's with shoes and jeans on.  so living like i've been most of my life was out of the question.  i came to mason city because i thought it would be ideal, and it is.  only thing is i don't have a family in the traditional sense.  my family are neighbors.  good solid neighbors that haver been my neighbors for as long as i've been here. neighbors who would be right there when you need them.  those kinda people are the folks like to surround myself with.

but my time is up.  i can't stop thinking about that.

so, what's next?

a very good question that is.  what's next?  if i choose to write about certain things that are 100% cyber, i have to watch what i say.  the thoughts that have been expressed herein are mine, of course.  and so far, there has been little to no physical evidence of any kind.  but really, what's next?  and what did it do to free information?

i know i'd like to discuss the subject suicide.  it's a subject matter that begs discussion.  openly, fairly, and unabashful.  only through truth shall we live to be free.  free to think any damn thing we want.  free to discuss any damn thing we want.  suicide happens to depressed people.  depressed people do not need to do suicide.  but one does not need to be depressed to commit suicide.

if these are radical beliefs, what am i to do?  since i don't asssociate much beyond one person a week.  heh...  that's gotta take it's toll.  but, there's shelley from mercy, on tuesdays, and either linda or bob through the week call or come over.   mercy just changed the rules and now clients are no longer allowed to ride along to do food shopping.  bad policy imho.  but that's about all the excitement i get from people who are real people. 

but i would like to resume and pick up where i left off.  i'd like to continue the 'countdown'.  hopefully i'll generate a response from someone.  that's the whole point.  generate disucssion of this taboo subject matter.  whatever your beliefs on death are, i'm sure i'd like to hear your version.  email me or by commenting on this post.

the debate

the debate now is whether or not one has the right to say whatever turns him on.  one can't simply yell fire in a theatre.  therefore, one is not protected on every thing he says.  but words are just that.  words.  lemme find the dictionary blurb, and paste it for you.  there. click on dictionary.

but suffice it to say, words are nothing more than mere thoughts of action,  they're nothing like a tangible object you can hold or mold, and generally misuse.  words are imaginations gone amok.  or they can be as gentle as a baby lamb.  

what i say - or don't say - here in this forum, or any other forum, should be viewed for what it dreams up in your pretty little heads.  what i say here, and everywhere, is generally not known 

before they land on some window, or piece of paper.  i call it Q writing.  it allows me to learn just like you would learn.  for many of these words are but one instance in time when they are spoken.

this whole date thing that keeps popping up in people's conversations, i had to go back and search for the post that had that date in it.  there are times when i put words to paper, and will not read them, and understand their true meaning, until much later - if ever.  it's like not eating your cooking.  it's not a telltale sign of the quality of the product.

and gertting my fingers back on the home row is a task, without light.  i'm only happy that manufacturers thought of me.  they put little dots on the two index finger keys.  the f and j keys.  that way blind people can type.  and you will probably think this was done by a blind man.  i might as well be blind.  i cant readily read what i'm typing.  i'm only hoping that what i'm typing comes out on the screen the way i want it.

anyway, back to the subject matter.  suicide should be about debate.  for without debate on suicide, how can one possibly expect to understand the things around the subject.  that's why i posted, so people will talk about it, in a more elevated mood.  one has to almost choke on the tears by the sound of it when listening to other people's tales of suicidal tendancies.  i admit i shivered at one point.  it could have been in theNote or diary.  it's somewhere.  you'll know it when it hits.  

by the way, washington state passed a proposition, or whatever they're called, new law that enables assisted suicide for those folks that are in similar positions.  only i'll bet most of them are depressed.  which i don't consider is the case here.  and i'd be willing to bet that most aiuthorities believe in the fact that most suicides are the result of deep depressions in the soul prior to the event.  i know also the simple fact that i  don't fit the mold of a suicidal person.  whether or not i'm suicidal, is a question that only i can answer.  others who read what i'm writing can feel that i'm suicidal too i suppose.  and that's fine.  as long as you don't entrench upon my personal liberty.  respect for each others opinions is the hallmark of American society.  i respect that you may not see death the same way i do.  i would be very surprised if you did feel the same way i do on this issue.  very surprised.

professional suicide is something that will happen sooner or later in this country.  washington and oregon are years ahead of their counterparts in this regard.  i'd bet if i were to move to oregon, i'd find others who felt the same way in some waiy, that i do.  whether they believe in death the same way i do, i'd be surprised.  i think people can believe in whatever way they choose about death, for it is a God-given right.  and it's not like shouting fire in a theatre either.  i think i'll do some more research into oregon and washington's laws and lines of thought on the subject.  i'm sure it'll be interesting.

free speech isn't very free

my ravings on poopy have gotten me into trouble.  i had 2 people here this morning from a home care company, telling me that i was suicidal and that they had to act accordingly.  they told me that they would get the sherriff involved, and he would forcibly take me to the local hospital.  these two people were staff of this hospital.  but i don't think there's a conspiracy, only among the two women.

these rants are just that.  rants.  rants about a subject matter that should be discussed.  openly or not at all.  there should be open discussions about suicide and every aspect of the event.  that's what i'm trying to do here.  provoke discussion about a subject that continues to draw criticism against the right to die.  there must be assisted suicide laws that enable one to end his/her own life.  laws that protect all involved.

getting into character is something held dear by most method actors.  i thought i was doing a pretty good job.  i dunno, maybe not.  how do you feel?  i'll have to get some mail on the subject before i turn any corners.  otherwise i'll just let it all hang out, shall we say.  whether or not i commit suicide shouldn't be the issue.  i've always maintained that i would die by my own hand. that's been a solid belief of mine for over 20 years.

my words should not be grounds to put me in a locked room.  period.  no two ways about it.  my words should be taken as a whole, and not cherry picked, because there's so many different ways of interpreting my words when not taken as a whole.  it would be pretty hard to listen to my story and not feel something.  this is all part of the Q experience.  my diaries are the essence of Q.  i may not get it ivy, but it blooms nonetheless.

reasons to do it

with all this talk about where, why, when, one thing was overlooked.  There's also good reasons to commit suicide.  Like, to discover what is on the other side.  or, how about getting out of paying debt?  the pain will no longer be invasive.  there will be no pain, physically and emotionallly.  it's like the body dies, but the spirit continues on.  i dunno, i spoze i could get into it, but that's not why i'm writing this now.

personally, there's stuff that i would rather not deal with.  then there's stuff that i know i have to deal with, and do so, even with some objection.  things like not having the friends i wish i couldhave.  sure i've got friends online.  but they're not of the "next door" type.  i don't have many 'real life' friends.  maybe 5.  and only one of them is my best friend.  a person i could tell anything.  any thing.  that's gotta be concrete too.

but there's stuff that i'll be happy i won't have to deal with any more.  stuff like having to clean the house.  or do laundry.  or cleaning diva's room.  that's a mess back there.  not really.  it's organized and it is a lot of stuff .  i basically watch television all fuckn day.  i keep it on tnt.  i'll miss tv.  especially seeing stargate series.  i'm a real fan of joe flanigan.  ooh,.  if i was still sexual.

cooking is another task that i'll be happy not to have to worrry about.  abolishing it would make it a good crossover reason ....  cooking and cleaning are basically it.  no more of that shit.  i don't think i could completely think of this reason to be total justification to commit suicide.  but in conjunction with other reasons, taken as a whole, the sum would justify or dare i say, demand it.  dare i say huh.  cooking forcing suicide?  that didn't come out right. 

lemme try again here.  cooking is an activity that i will not miss doing.  there.  

ok, so what does all this have to do with the price of china?  well, lemme tell ya.  everything is important in the days leading up to your suicide.  you have things that have got to be prepared prior to the event.  so ya, it's part and parcel to the subject du jour.  

i'm so happy with obama winning.  and i voted.  for the very first time.  that is a long story, but sufffice it to say, i wanted a piece of history.  i stuck the 'i voted' sticker on my mirrors by the door.  i picked a winner.  thank god i dont have stuff in the stock market.  it's not moving today like i thought it would.  maybe tomorrow.

that's about it.  i'll have to go out and have lunch with linda or something.  she's off in the next day or two;  i can't remember her schedule now.  she called this morning, but i didn't pick up.  thank god for vonage.  nobody else gives you the email address to messages like vonage does.  i especially liked the simul-ring action that you can program your service to do.

finally tho really.  this will be my last statement.  i'll go when it's my time to go.  how will i know it's my time?  because i'll know.  i don't ever ask how do i know something.  i either know it, and feel it, or i don't.  one knows these things.  even though it's hard to put into words sometimes.  but one knows when it's the right time.  i think i can safely say it feels like a wednesday event.  but don't quote me on that.

bye.

LANDSLIDE!

obama took iowa in a landslide, and i think it'll mirror the country.  very well done barack.  so lets get to work.

if you need convincing

just take a read of the David Diaries.  you'll understand why suicide is such a good option for me. search for 6/18/03 and take a peek into the life i led during that period of time.  i shiver when i think about it, and certainly when i read about it years after the fact.  i always knew i was lucky to be alive.  the coates house fire did that to me.  that's me on the ladder, the only ladder that worked that night.  i was the last one out alive.  21 people died in that fire.  i think the worse in kansas city history.  if i survived that, i should have survived anything, and i lived with a deathwish for years like that.  doing drugs like it was water.  i was never really hooked, even tho i acted like it.  but i lived that life and came out alright.

i don't regret a day of it tho.  all those nights on the interstate. i'll remember them the most.  in rain, pouring down rain, in south carolina one year.  took forever to get across that state if memory serves me right.  anyway, enough of memory lane.  back to the subject du jour.

suicide, and why.  my diaries should spell it out.  i've lived it all.  i went from rich to poor, from productive to destructive.  i've lived a life so full of shit, i think i gotta give some back to my maker because it's too much.  40mb too much if ya wanna know about it.  and that's only from the year 2000.  the years before i moved to mason city in 1998.  the 70's were good and the 80's were better.  the 90's were a turning point from high on the hog to skid row.  drugs will do that to ya if ya let it.

anyway, tonite's not about me, it's about barack obama.  i voted today, and i'm happy to report that barack obama will be our next president.  and it's only 1834.  %1834%.  heh.

from the David Diaries

"08/22/03","%0209%

fields of poopy. almost. lots of paranoia. cars everywhere.

http://krak.farpoint.org/MASTER_DIARY.htm

I VOTED!

i voted today.  first time in my life to do such a deed.  but i wanted to be part of the historical record.  obama is going to win this election, and i'm predicting by big margins.  maybe a landslide?  i dunno, but we'll see later on tonite.  i hope you all (you Americans i mean) voted today.

and the doctor said

went outside for the first time in 3 weeks.  it was different.  it was like it if i were just released from jail.  that newfound freedom takes hold of ya and doesn't let go for an hour or more.  it was good that i got out and went shopping.  i even voted for the very first time.  i wantd to be part of history.  i know obama is going to win.  hands down.  i think it'll be a landslide.  but who knows.  they wont start calling it until much later tonite. 8pm is when the first polls close (that's 7 pm my time).  it's tuesday nite tv otherwise.  i think the networks are going to only cut in when necessary.  i dont think they're running a whole show of it. 

shit, i'm wrong.  they are planning a show of it.  i should have looked before i typed.  i could go back and erase what i wrote, but then that's not fair.  to you the readers.  i want you to get the Q line.  that's the line that gets typed then analyzed.  that's the poopy of it all.  stuff you wont get elsewhere.  at least i have never seen anybody type like me.  you get the sanitized version on other sites.  not here.  this is where you get it from the force.

suicide hasn't been on my mind lately.  except when i went to the doctor.  my nurse brought it up and told the doctor that i had been depressed and talked about suicide.  they're all worried about me.  which i guess is only human.  i tried to tell them that i'm holding my head up and high going into this.  this is a conscious decision of reason.  i'm thinking about this event a lot.  and i've got a plan.  sorta.

the questions of how, when and why have yet to be finalized.  i expect them to get resolved before long.  probably within a week or two.  i'm not going to push the thing.  if the answer comes, then fine, i'll deal with it.  and i'll know when the answer arrives.  it'll probably hit me right where it hurts, and i'm gonna rejoice in it.  these are questions that need answering  before the event.  and the sooner it comes, the sooner i'll know it's time.

monday night showing

all day today there's been a marathon of raising the bar, on tnt.  it's their new series that pits public defenders against associate district attorneys.  it's a good show.  bochco does it.  how do you spell his name?  you know what i mean.  

i hesitated on whether or not i would post tonite.  i really don't have anything to say.  i haven't really thought about suicide.  and until i typed it, i didn't think about it.  but now that the topic is out there...

i still am holding my head high on this.  i have to.  if i didn't i would be depressed.  and i don't like being depressed.  nope, i'm feeling normal about this whole thing.  i've had my fill of it all.  especially mornings.  they're the worse.  i dread getting up.  once i'm up, i'm ok.  but it's getting awake.  once i awake, i cant lay around in bed. i get up.  but the pain in the mornings is the worse time of day for me.  once i get methadone down me, and god i'm take a lot of it legally, i'm fine.  and generally throughout the day i'm ok.  i jus can't be taking meds in the middle of the night.  i don't have enough, unless i bump a dose somewhere along the line.  they only give me 1350, which equates to 45 a day.  that's a lot huh.

so taking 40 pills of ambien shouldn't be a problem.  the how isn't in jeopardy.  the when still is.  i wish i didn't have to wait until mid december.  i'm fancy'ing doing it earlier.  but i think i need to stick to a schedule.  i'll get a schedule together sometime in the next week.  i'm still grasping at taking the pills and going to bed.  i haven't gotten that far yet.  

sunday night blues

i'll just bet i'm not the only one up with the sunday night blues, now am i.  i wonder how much mail this will generate.  not much because i really have nothing to say right now.

i'd have to pull a topic out of my hat and dissect it to death.  no pun intended.  like suicide.  i think i'm still in the running on that one  

i did some moving things around today.  i could talk about that.  it was an activity, and one that generated a lot of grief.  well, not grief, but emotion.  ya, it generated a lot of emotion.  not the kind you would wanna expose your mother to.  that type.  but i did feel something while i was moving files around, and updating dns records, for the 2nd time.  i let support @mydomain know about it too.  in a nicely worded letter.  but they need to fix this.  it's not pointing to krak yet.  it's still pointing to home.mchsi.com. 

well, things should be one way, and they're another way.  and that rarely sits well with me.  i dont get bent out of shape over it, but suffice it to say that i can get emtional about it.  there's that word again.  emotional.  strange word when you think about it.  baggage is the other thing that comes to mind when i say emotional.  i wonder why that is.  not really, but it felt nice to have said it.

it's time for bed.  i keep wondering what it would feel like poppoin those pills.  gah, 30 pills, i think i got about 40.  i dont know.  i haven't counted them.  i'm sure i'm gonna have an earful later in the week - tuesday to be exact. when my doctor appointment is.  i'll bet kristie told him somehow, and he's going to get involved.  i wish he would just goahead and drop his patients and feed 'em to the wolves.  it aint gonna bother me any.

what'd i tell ya?  i didn't have anything on my mind tonite to post. and i had to pull what i did ge34t down out of my ass.  now watch, that word will bounce me from 'the list'.  these nanny prorams have me, MOI, blacklisted.  i don't know for sure why, what word in particular they had a problem with, but i don't see anything wrong with the site.  you check it ==> http://www.farpoint.org.

it's still on my mind

suicide is still on my mind.  how can it not be?  the subject matter is something that screams exploration.  since there's really little we know about it, and it's all one-sided.  nobody's been able to define with proof, what it's like on the other side.  death in an of itself is only an event, that lasts hopefully just little time.  death is something that lasts only as long as it takes to travel from this side to the other side.  without knowing where the other side is, it would be iimpossible to determine how much time it takes to make the transition.  i think sleep is borderline event horizon.  when one is sleeping, one is experiencing other realities.  our dreams are more than thought processes.  i think once i fall asleep, and then dying because my heart stopped, or whatever the mechanics of such a death would be.  does my heart just stop beating?  or do i stop breathing first?  i don't know what other actions would be possible under those circumstances.  as long as i didn't wake up before the event, i'll be happy.  even if i do wake up before the event.  that would really be something to write about.

i'll keep posting here as long as possible.  i don't anticpate any downtime until that time.  so as long as i'm posting you can rest assured, i'm still breathing.  i may not post every day, but i'll try.  my cat, Diva is pawing at me now, so let me go attend to her.

i'm trying to feel what it'll feel like come the night of my demise.  in those very last hours, what is it going to feel like?  i can almost put myself in those shoes.  i think there's a natural barrier there, and i need to deal with that.

i'm not shivering like i was earlier (in post terms), shivering really hits me when i feel things.  i know when i was imaginging laying on the bed, what would be going through my mind at that very moment.  i think the reason i don't have a problem talking about it is because of the way i believe.  and to live that life, it would require a fine share of control and attitude.  Death to me is nothing more than a change in life, if you will.  does life embrace death?  i think so.  i think life and death are two sides to the triangle.  purgatory is the other side of that 3some.

so that's what i believe.  what do you believe?  lets get some discussion going on here.

moving on

i must admit, i was completely taken when i heard some of the comments about this site.  i didn't know , so many of you cared enough.  but i think i'll just keep on posting the way i've been posting.  

i still think of suicide and what happens before, during, & after.  i mean to really feel what it will feel like, is still worth discovery.  like when i got the chills the other day.  shivering like that can only happen when the truth is discovered and it's totally different from what would normally be thought to be.  i mean, figure you feel you know the truth about your boyfriend.  and then you discover that your boyfriend was just using you for your money.  and it blindsides you cold.  that's gotta hurt.

well, figure it this way.  should i go, i would like to have known that i did it in good company.  i don't have any issues with anybody i know, which i guess is pretty rare.  but should i go, i would hope to have told at least some of you, and let you get your peace said in private.  what really got me was how much people thought of me as a person.  i don't make friends very well.  nothing really, i jus don't put myself in public very often.  tuesdays used to be my day of dealing with the public.  but now i don't have that, i can only get my public attention is thru my blog, right here.  i answer my email, whenever i get something from someone who i wish to communicate with.  and that's basically been about everyone lately.  i'm on a lot of lists and i get junk shit, but i do skim what they are, and know that i'm not throwing out messages i would like to answer.

given that, that's not to say i don't want to commit suicide.  i've mentioned december 15.  that was just a date i pulled out of my hat.  it has no bearing on anything.  none of the things that are scheduled for me, like a doctor or an eye doctor, or the dentist.  i jus have one appointment, then i have to go to rochester mayo clinic on december 8th i think.  i would say that it'll be my last visit with this new doctor, dr. tsaras i guess his name is.  a nice guy, but not one that'll understand my head. he's too clinical.  the doctor before his was even more scary.  ordered every test under the sun on me one time.  i went thru it all too.  finally said something and it stopped.  about the same time i got the new doctor.  hm.  coincidence?  never thought about it that way.

no, december 15 is just a date i pulled out of air.  thin nothingness air.  the way i feel right now though i could go to bed tonite and not think twice about it.  it would almost be done automagically.  without thought.  i like that word, automagically.  it has one of those high ideals associated with it that it just rolls off the tongue real nice.  automagically.  it's easy to type too.  that's important.  especially when i idont go back and correct myslef.  myself.  i'll jus type the new version. the reader will understand.  it's david writing.

so, i'm left with survivor.  that's enough reason to commit suicide ...  think they're not going thru hell over there?  i could never go through what those players are going through.  anyway, time's up anyway.  my vision of time is important to understand, to underswtand me.  understand.  i have an erotic sense about time.  if you can understand that, you're better than i thought.  really.  erotic time?  time can be erotic.  i dont mean hardon erotic.l  i cant get a hardon any more.  a sad thing come to think of it. but i've gotten to the age where sex isn't what i've always made it to be.  talk about whore.  you're looked at the biggest whore this side of the mississippi.

enough about that.  back to the subject.  how much time before my end.  that's debatable, i would think.  up until now i hadn't really thought about making it public.  i've lived such a public life in the past, but at least i've kept my name out of a lot of shit i suppose.  but my timje has about arrived.  i can feel it.  i know what i have to do.  and to succeed in doing that, i may have to put on a face about things.  unless they're an avid reader of my blog, i expect i'll get my act toghether before long and do what is expected of me.  doctor appointments, nurse appointments, mhc appointments.  i've got a calendaer that i rely heavily upon.  i don't study the thing like, i would hav eto check it to determine if i would be able to keep a certain appointment.  i think i put a tag into december 15th's space.  sorta a reminder.

enough about that.  i'm starting to heed the call of myy soul and get off this computer for 5 minutes.  so enough about that.  i'll just close this out by saying later.

clarifications

seems a page of clarifications is in order here.

1.  let it be known by all that this latest subject matter is just that.  subject matter.  do not confuse this with anything other than that.

2.  let it be known that pete gomez is a friend of mine through linda, his sister.  he has offered to take Diva upon my death.  that in itself is worth a thousand words.

3.  let it be known that i get my pot through another pete.  pete conner.  the two shouldn't ever be in the same sentence.

any questions?  email me.

and thanks to everyone who expressed concern.  it's nice to know there are people out there who give a rats ass.