i should read what i've posted.  i might learn something.  see, automatic writing is jus4t that.  automatic.  having no forethought to it's creation.  like you, i would be reading it for the first time.  i think i have forethought, once in a while.  i'd rather that it happens because it happens.  i believe that with my soul on the table, i like to play to win.  i'm not a very good loser.  privately, i'm a winner all the time.  or most of the time.  i don't know anybody who could lose 24/7 and be fine with it.  losing to me is like the loss of either some dignity, or the more hurtful, soul.

i keep asking myself why am i not out doing whatever the hell i wanted to do.  just because i donit plan on being around to answer for my actions.  but i don't.  not in the least.  i pretty much do what i want to do any way.  i have very little restraint in place.  had this been 3 years ago, i would be considered a success of a storybook relationship i had with myself.  this is like getting awfully close to being personal. 

suicide is a personal subject.  it really only affects the one who is doing the deed.  other people around him/her take suicide as a bad thing.  i hold that death is a positive notion, but dying is where the pain is.  look at cancer patients, the terminal ones.  i wonder what they're outlook on life is.  where would you even look for that kind of information.  google?  what terms should i search for? suicide terminal disease ?

well, i started reading one of those links and got to this place.  i couldn't read it all. my eyes are one of those things you lose as you gain in age.  vision isn't what it used to be.  another reason i don't try reading what i'm typing.  but death in the eyes of some of these people is a convincing subject matter.  death and dying are two related things.  dying conures up this mystical being released from the body.  death is when dying is complete.  that's the relationship between the two.