the stand

have you ever seen the movie, the stand?  by stephen king?  well, be prepared to think in terms of black and white.  still a good movie if you like dark thrillers.  this is a story told in 8 hours.  i'm sure the net is full of video clips if not the whole movie somewhere.  maybe on usenet you can pick it up. anyway, i am searching around for an idea of a post.  couldn't come up with anything i have around the house.  and going out isn't really on my agenda.  it's 39 degrees out, so it's still mild in terms of winter weather.  it's not winter yet, but it's still chilly to the bone.  anyway, i'll post about things i'll miss after i die.  a dave letterman style list, the top ten list.

#10 - i'll miss my music.  

#9 - i'll miss the routine.

#8 - i'll miss doctor johnson's visits.

#7 - i'll miss kristie's visits.

#6 - i'll miss shelley's visits.

#5 - i'll miss my family, what's left of it.

#4 - i'll miss stargate and star trek.

#3 - i'll miss television.

#2 - i'll miss my computer.

#1 - i'll miss myself.  if that isn't vain, i don't know what is.

there i got a whole list of 10 things that i'll miss after the event.  i thought i'd have 10 things, and sure enough got 10.  and it wuzn't that hard.  now i wonder if i could come up with 10 things suicide is good for.  i don't think i can.  this is a pretty lopsided argument.  

why do it at all, then?  because it's my time.  i feel compelled almost drawn into this cyclone of life and death.  my hunger for satisfaction about the after life is making me do it.  i can't help reverting back to the time i had my vision.  which laid out my death is no uncertain terms.  i was going to hang. so i don't know how i'm able to reconcile that one.  maybe i haven't thought about it much lately. this gives me pause to think about what i'm thinking about.  be my own psychologist.

really, why do it at all then.  i say because it's my time as if i absolutely without doubt believe that my time is up when i say it is.  actually, we're all dying anyway, some of us on a faster track than others.  but death isn't something that can be shared.  in fact, death is the final guarantee by the Almighty that would happen to me.  like the old saying, life, death and taxes.  things that must happen.

now, getting back to life is like a river.  how would a careful and astute person be able to die.  natural causes is a catchall for things that can't be defined.  and i'll bet there are causes of death that don't make sense.  i wonder if anybody's doing any research into the matter.  but if life is like a river, then i have the ability to navigate, stop, and get off the water and on to dry land.  death is when you get back in the water.  water is the essence of life that can be touched and quantified.   heaven is earth.  the sky is heaven,  heaven can be like land, and getting out of the water is like dying.  

i wonder how many other people believe in what i believe in.  are there more people out there like me?  i would be surprised if there were.  but defining God and soul and heaven and hell, well, i have definitions that work for me.  i've looked at catholicism, protestantism, buddist, islam, and took a little bit of each and made it into what i call Q.  the good of the top religions makes for a really hip dude.  especially if he lives his religion.  christians are known for their interpretations of the ideals of religion in fanatical ways.  and islamist factions are also known for their interpretations of the ideal of religion in fanatical ways. i wonder if the jewish state can the same be said about their groups.  one's never heard of a jewish terrorist, unless one can read arabic.

i would hate to get caught up in religion here, so i'll steer the topic up a bit and see what happens.  things that i'll miss when i die.  i probably won't "miss" anything since i'll be dead and gone, with nothing to feel about anything. i don't think i'll "miss" anything per se.  i'll miss not having and doing those things.  but not for long i'm sure.  i think right at the point of death is when you actually see yourself rising up and floating around, not bound by wall, then how would i walk oir stand.  if i'm not bound by wall then i'm not confined to any particular room when i'm standing. but you know what i mean.  i'll float around for a few minutes then i expect there will be 'the light' and poof, death happened.  now i exist in a purgatory stage. readying myself for another chance at life.  depending on where i am spiritually, will determine what life i'll have for myself.  i think you'll get the chance to pick what life you would want.  or is there a judge that survey's your previous life and determines what life i would get next time.  how many times we have to repeat life is the billion dollar question.

but i expect i'll stay around the house for a while.  time is gone at that point, so i believe how long i say there is only a blink in time for those that are still alives on earth.  but there will be things i will want to see after i die.  like what people would say on #mindvox and #interport on mIRC.  i'd be curious to know whether they were true friends or not. frankly, i trust my excutor so whatever happens to diva and my things will happen and there's nothing i'll be able to do about it.  i cant see myself too worried about it.  i've planned on doing this while holding my head up.  i haven't decided yet on whether or not pot is going to play a role in this chapter.  i expect it will, but not as strong as i figure here.

more later.z.