i still think of suicide and what happens before, during, & after. i mean to really feel what it will feel like, is still worth discovery. like when i got the chills the other day. shivering like that can only happen when the truth is discovered and it's totally different from what would normally be thought to be. i mean, figure you feel you know the truth about your boyfriend. and then you discover that your boyfriend was just using you for your money. and it blindsides you cold. that's gotta hurt.
well, figure it this way. should i go, i would like to have known that i did it in good company. i don't have any issues with anybody i know, which i guess is pretty rare. but should i go, i would hope to have told at least some of you, and let you get your peace said in private. what really got me was how much people thought of me as a person. i don't make friends very well. nothing really, i jus don't put myself in public very often. tuesdays used to be my day of dealing with the public. but now i don't have that, i can only get my public attention is thru my blog, right here. i answer my email, whenever i get something from someone who i wish to communicate with. and that's basically been about everyone lately. i'm on a lot of lists and i get junk shit, but i do skim what they are, and know that i'm not throwing out messages i would like to answer.
given that, that's not to say i don't want to commit suicide. i've mentioned december 15. that was just a date i pulled out of my hat. it has no bearing on anything. none of the things that are scheduled for me, like a doctor or an eye doctor, or the dentist. i jus have one appointment, then i have to go to rochester mayo clinic on december 8th i think. i would say that it'll be my last visit with this new doctor, dr. tsaras i guess his name is. a nice guy, but not one that'll understand my head. he's too clinical. the doctor before his was even more scary. ordered every test under the sun on me one time. i went thru it all too. finally said something and it stopped. about the same time i got the new doctor. hm. coincidence? never thought about it that way.
no, december 15 is just a date i pulled out of air. thin nothingness air. the way i feel right now though i could go to bed tonite and not think twice about it. it would almost be done automagically. without thought. i like that word, automagically. it has one of those high ideals associated with it that it just rolls off the tongue real nice. automagically. it's easy to type too. that's important. especially when i idont go back and correct myslef. myself. i'll jus type the new version. the reader will understand. it's david writing.
so, i'm left with survivor. that's enough reason to commit suicide ... think they're not going thru hell over there? i could never go through what those players are going through. anyway, time's up anyway. my vision of time is important to understand, to underswtand me. understand. i have an erotic sense about time. if you can understand that, you're better than i thought. really. erotic time? time can be erotic. i dont mean hardon erotic.l i cant get a hardon any more. a sad thing come to think of it. but i've gotten to the age where sex isn't what i've always made it to be. talk about whore. you're looked at the biggest whore this side of the mississippi.
enough about that. back to the subject. how much time before my end. that's debatable, i would think. up until now i hadn't really thought about making it public. i've lived such a public life in the past, but at least i've kept my name out of a lot of shit i suppose. but my timje has about arrived. i can feel it. i know what i have to do. and to succeed in doing that, i may have to put on a face about things. unless they're an avid reader of my blog, i expect i'll get my act toghether before long and do what is expected of me. doctor appointments, nurse appointments, mhc appointments. i've got a calendaer that i rely heavily upon. i don't study the thing like, i would hav eto check it to determine if i would be able to keep a certain appointment. i think i put a tag into december 15th's space. sorta a reminder.
enough about that. i'm starting to heed the call of myy soul and get off this computer for 5 minutes. so enough about that. i'll just close this out by saying later.
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