monday night showing

all day today there's been a marathon of raising the bar, on tnt.  it's their new series that pits public defenders against associate district attorneys.  it's a good show.  bochco does it.  how do you spell his name?  you know what i mean.  

i hesitated on whether or not i would post tonite.  i really don't have anything to say.  i haven't really thought about suicide.  and until i typed it, i didn't think about it.  but now that the topic is out there...

i still am holding my head high on this.  i have to.  if i didn't i would be depressed.  and i don't like being depressed.  nope, i'm feeling normal about this whole thing.  i've had my fill of it all.  especially mornings.  they're the worse.  i dread getting up.  once i'm up, i'm ok.  but it's getting awake.  once i awake, i cant lay around in bed. i get up.  but the pain in the mornings is the worse time of day for me.  once i get methadone down me, and god i'm take a lot of it legally, i'm fine.  and generally throughout the day i'm ok.  i jus can't be taking meds in the middle of the night.  i don't have enough, unless i bump a dose somewhere along the line.  they only give me 1350, which equates to 45 a day.  that's a lot huh.

so taking 40 pills of ambien shouldn't be a problem.  the how isn't in jeopardy.  the when still is.  i wish i didn't have to wait until mid december.  i'm fancy'ing doing it earlier.  but i think i need to stick to a schedule.  i'll get a schedule together sometime in the next week.  i'm still grasping at taking the pills and going to bed.  i haven't gotten that far yet.