a real rant

what's a man supposed to feel, 48 hours before his death.  knowing what time you go has got to be a gift.  i doubt everybody can do that.  but having that knowledge has got to lead to some advantages in life.  just think, you won't be around to see your next credit card bill.  you won't have to pretend any more.  all that is in the future for me for sure is sleep.  hopefully i won't awaken before the event  .  provided i can get to sleep in the first place.

but knowing the time of your death has got to be a real gift.  i won't be able to tell the difference it'll make.  i think it was 1984 or so when i had my vision of dying.  i saw how it was to die.  and felt it.  it felt cold.  it was like a cold wave of water came over me.  talk about *shiver*ing.  death was real cold and that was the big and most important thing i remember from that vision.  although it told me that the manner in which my death occurred.  and that was by hanging.  i was going to die by hanging.  i'm of the belief like that of my most recent visions i go by drug overdose.   now whether that meant suicide, or accidental, i don't know.  i am unable to recall much more than a few tidbits of knowledge from that event.  and i call it an event only because of the lasting effect it had on me.

but it's getting close.  close to the day of the event.  my heart is pounding rather hard right now.  i think maybe i should learn something.  just what that is is beyond me right now.  i thought i had a darn good education, and applied learning techniques to most of my active and productive life.  i was always eager to learn new stuff.  made me a good candidate for something, i jus never really found out what.  ya know, ya think you've lived a good life because you don't harm or wish harm to one's neighbors.  'sides, i hate fights.  boxing too.  and this ultimate fighting they got goin now, is way out of my league.  i was most comfortable in the navy.  

i figure i have a while yet before the event.  i can't put my finger on any date, yet.  i'll post in here and hopefully make this blog the last online thing i do.  i have mIRC and sit on #mindvox, and #interport. i'm  not real active as you can see.  

i was able to watch history in the making.  walking on the moon.  the tearing down of the berlin wall... of the computer.  just think where we would be without the computer.  i know i'd be lost to high heaven if i didn't have my box.  my life is on that box.  mess with that and you're messin with my livelihood. 

the computer tho has affected us all in such a way that has yet to be defined.  the computer is credited with having saved countless lives.  it's affect on humanity is global in nature and extremely individualistic.  there are lessons to be learned in almost every corner.

take 9/11, a tragedy of the highest order.  i have my #mindvox log for several hours on that morning.  it still gives me the *shivers*.  i think because i was watching cnn or msnbc that morning.  i wish i had diary that went back that far, but alas, 2000, june is the first of my diaries, but i still have the 1986-2008 years.   but 9/11 will always stick in my mind as something you experience and hope you never repeat it.  the world trade center was my backyard for a few years.  I lived across the street from the american stock exchange.  the building i moved out of was torn down later in 2001, as it was almost destroyed under the WTC debris.  it was another one of those god's saving me for some reason events.

oh the memories.  they seem to flash before my eyes, and there's little i can do about it.  i think i'm reliving (in feeling) moments from my time here on earth, and 9/11 stands out and about as high as the day i went into the navy.  that's when i became david schmidt again.  nehemiah mahana just disappeared.  but that's for another day.

i'm giving it about 5 days before i go.  that'll put me into saturday, and that's not one of the days i remember expressing.  so figure next wednesday.  this planning like this, produces a strange feeling/sensation.  not quite *shiver*, but not as cold.  i wonder, how is one supposed to act in my position?

i just hope none of you go off your rocker and get all excited and tell me that i shouldnt do it, and give me reasons from here to the setting sun why, but since it's not illegal, and one can not simply call up the sherriff and have him arrest an individual and put him/her into the nearest psych ward.  but since it's legal, i don't see the harm in writing about it.  i think that's why i'm here.  to write about my experience.  at least make it known that there is dignity in death this way.  suicide isn't always a depressing event.  not to me it's not.  many people would argue with me on that front.  but i have maintained that i'm going to go into this with my head held high and as knowledgable 

so please, if you've got some constructive criticism, by all means email me.