why not now?

i'm posting because i would like an answer from you.  why not now?  that could be asked of both sides of this debate.  why not now.  it's a simple question.  one that deserves attention,.  why not now could be used by someone who is contemplating suicide and by someone who expresses dissatisfaction of the whole idea.  it would mean two different things.  why not now is a perfectly legit question for both sides.

why not now.  there's probably a host of reasons why.  school tomorrow.  wanna see who wins the american idol.  family is getting together next week.  all sorts of reasons for why not now.  why not now?  because i don't feel like it.  

why not now can also be used by those that advocate suicide.  it acts as a postponing agent.  why not now causes one to think just the opposite, why now.  why now and why not now are excellent examples of thought and thinking.  too many think that suicide is done without much thinking.  i'm here to point out that is wrong.  there's a whole lot of thinking going on, if you will.

but in answer to your question, i'll part with this:  because it's my time to go.  i know it'll happen at my hand.  i've known about this for many many years and every so often i dwell upon the subject, and often find myself misunderstood.  i'm sure suicide is a personal thing with you, no?  that suicide is taboo because it is gauche?  or does suicide actually make you ill?  i find myself questioning the messenger, rather than concentrating on the message.

why not now is a question that invites another question - why now?  suicide isn't but one thing,  the end all of endalls.  something that once accomplished, is over permanently.  it's something that can not be withddrawn later.  the permanence of it makes me shiver sometimes. but there's something else that's afoot here.  i don't act like 'what the hell, i aint gonna be around to suffer any consequences' shit.

nope.  why not now has only one answer for me tonite.  and i wish i could understand and know what that answer is.  to tell you the truth, i'm too lazy to get up and go find those pills, and get myself ready for one last night.  i should think about this some more, i'm finding myself asking who ever is listening, what is it that makes me not wanna do this.  i cant put my finger on any one answer, but i can't think of anything more than one answer.  i would have to think on it some more, but right now mother nature is starting to part company.