well, if you're still reading this, understand one thing.  understand that i am merely writing what comes to mind.  i think about it only after it's been mentioned.  what gets said here is from a part of me that wants to die.  there's another part of me tho, that needs to live.  balancing the two is how the game is played.  to live, one only needs to breathe.  to die however, even with the different ways of it happening, to die is a one way street.  when you die, you die.  when you live, you also live.  but you can do so much more when you live.  and death is only a part of life .. the part that makes eveything else seem as if it didn't matter.  tnot a care in the world for the way you live your life.  like mtm tossing her hat in the beginning of the mary tyler moore show.

i think it's the permanence of it that must be weighed in by about 3 times.  take for instance, when one is suicidal, yet isn't really ready to 'die', how much weight would you equate the event with?  would you put more weight on the isssue because .of it's permanence?  i think i've  already made clear that you don't absolutely gotta have it, depression.  without depression, how can one be suicidal?  i can only answer that i'm not depressed.  or i might be and i don't know it.  it's kinda hard to take a good look at yourself when you live alone.  i used to have a floor-length mirror, made me tall and thin.  :)

death is such a taboo word it seems.  one must be a believer or a non-believer.  power over your death is the ultimate power.  the ability to say you know when you're going to die has got to ignite something down there.  death to me is, i think it is when you crossover onto another plane of existence.  your soul, or whatever you wanna call it, but the essence of life that exists beyond existence...  whatever you wanna call it, is very real.  not touchey feely, but real nonetheless, non-depression, or whatever you wanna call it, can be anything.  it doesn't have to be but a few things.  being real has got to mean from the heart.  if one would leave the thinking processes alone, then we'd all be living in a better world.

i haven't been giving too much thought about the instant i die, what happens, and how long does that last.  i'd like to know what transpires right at that moment when breathing stops and eyes close, and the heart stops.  i always wondered, can people feel their own heartbeat?  i do.   reflections such as that happen with greater frequency.  

well, i guess i've taken uip enough of your time.  thanks for sticking around.  read on and take into consideration that you're passing throgh time backwards.