it's not the song i was thinking of, but since hearing right here right now i've grown fond of that song. the links are to some fatboy slim tunes and videos. anyway, this song is a nice piece done by fatboy slim. they have another tune i like, i don't know the name of it, but i do recognize the name fatboy slim. i don't know music like i used to when i was in the business.
suicide isn't on my mind today. probably good too because i would hate to have to feel that way until it happens. i really don't wanna make a big deal about it either. nor do i want something after the event. i did think about it earlier today tho. it's an event that crys out for understanding. i get the chills once in a while. a *shiver* happens when i hit the nail on the head. right now right here is a perfect expression for what i'm going through. things mean a lot more - obviously.
what will i miss most? that's hard to say. i would have to say diva, hands down. her health and keeping are my main concern. i trust my friend pete who agreed to take her when that time comes. but her future is very much a concern for me, a point that could derail this whole trip. if i let it. it wouldn't be hard to not to. her love and prrr will be missed. i could shed some tears on the issue. but i won't.
suffice it to say, there's reason out there for both sides of this debate. both sides are correct when the reason is bisexual. that was hard to express. i say bisexual because of the way both sides are right. this isn't a male/female thing, nor is it a macho man thing. in fact, sex hasn't played a part in my decision making processed in 2 years or more. jan of 2005. the day of dad's funeral to be exact. listening to bothsides, when actually, the only one whose thoughts matter is myself. if i were to listen to anybody else, i would feel not in control. i like control. control group was the name of my company back in 81. since then, i've been totally asexual... something i should be proud of, things just don't have the same aura they oince had. but that's just growing up and getting grey. is it ay or ey?
when i think about the suicide thing, i get into one of these modes that sees nothing else along the way. very narrow-sighted. i think there's a term for that, god help me i don't know what it is. but if and when i think about suicide, i don't get depressed. and i didn't have any tears - until tonite. not full-fledged tears, but water in the eye tearing up. i'll miss a lot more than i thought about. and i'm afraid if i continue to dwell on those issues i may not get the job done.
when is still unknown. i know it'll be a few more days. i keep feeling like i'm going to get into getting out of it, i doubt that i'll have any issues that haven't been through online here, and i am using fields as a means of bouncing back with comments, even though they're not online, i do know that there have been hits. i was just hoping for more comments i guess. i know there was a period of time when the page was private, but that didn't last too long. i got the weblogs the other day and ran them through one of those loggers that you can find almost anywhere on the web ... didn't really tell me anything i didn't know or was interested in. it was nice seeing the referrer stats. that made reading the report more interesting.
but back to when. i'll know it when it arrives. i'll jus sit up and say, it's time. and then i'll proceed to the bedroom. taking these pills, all 40 of them, could pose to be a bit more difficult than i think. thank god they're small tablets. it'll make taking them more easy. then after i down the pills, i would probably check the house one last time. make sure the back door is locked, and the kats, and yes, wilth a K, out in the porch are fed and have dinner in their dish. i should just put out the bag, but then i'll have every cat in the neighborhood coming over. it is thanks giving. i spoze i could tolerate it for a day. buster and blacky have been getting milk from me in addition to special kitty food. diva doesn't like me doing that but she's got no choice.
on my last time through the old house, there's a lot of memories in this house. i don't have pictures much, on the mac i have face.jpg and a sequence of that every other day or so. i spoze if i ran them alol through a sequencer, they could account for a good portion of my life. i would turn on the tv, and get into bed. falling asleep could prove interesting. i would think, taking 40 sleeping pills, that i would jus gently fall asleep, and let the good times roll.
when? i dunno. stay tuned. i'll post here with my last dying breath.
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