death and dying

death and dying.  two subjects that should probably mean the same thing.  it's all about the end of life.  i think one concentrates more on the approach to that end, and death is the actual deed that constitutes the end of life.  i pretty much use the terms without much thought.  if i were to really think about death and dying, i could see myself commiting suicide.  

i figure if i were to think about it and delve really deep into the subject matter, i would be convinced that what i believed were to be the actual way it is.  when in fact, there can be no assurance of what happens at that point.  i think the process of dying holds more truth in words than what death is about.  for dying takes some time, usually.  for those who go immediately, i think they're spared the suffering that takes shape during the period of one dying.

i dont believe that suicide is wrong tho.  the process of dying is still evident in many of the reasons behind most suicidal persons' desire to kill themselves.  iow, someone who's gravely ill - it doesn't have to be terminal - who thinks dying is the only way to end the suffering.  maybe the person just feels it's his time to go and doesn't suffer prior to the event.  people with money problems for instance.  the suffering they endure may not be physical, it could be all emotional, but the suffering is there.  since that's not the case with me, i wouldn't be able to comment on what it's like for those persons.

i do believe that given enough physical suffering, there will come a time when suicide looks like the best option.  there are those who would disagree with me on that point (so post a comment  about it).  i'm a firm believer in the persons' right to die, and only he/she would be able to draw the line as to when enough is enough.  an illness that basically costs the person the dignity of living life to its fullest is cause enough to commit suicide.  and i'm sure there will be those who would disagree with me on that point.  but i believe in the fundamental right to die.  should we question the person's motives?  absolutely.  maybe they haven't thought out all the options clearly enough to be able to make such a permanent decision. 

but when the person knows and has weighed all the options to the satisfaction of himself (or herself), i think that person should be allowed to end their lives, and have it done as painlessly as possible.  i happen to live in a state that doesn't recognize the person's right to die, yet.  they will, as will all the states come to their senses on this matter.  washington and oregon have laws that allow suicide to be assisted by medical personnel.  Death with dignity has the best up-to-date information on the movement.  i salute those folks over there for their hard work on the Washington Act.

i'm sure you can find millions of websites out there about death and dying.  google returned almost 3 million sites.  i wonder if fields is one of them.  i guess i need an outlet to express what i can't do in person with the people i have around me.  i tried to check out how certain people around me felt about the subject, and they were all pretty much on the same page:  suicide is bad.  so we didn't reallky discuss it much.  there's no changing their attitudes.  a shame too.  so this is my only 'out' when it comes to right to die issues.  i wish the medical community around me were more open to discussion than what they've shown me.  i understand their position, but i don't think they understand mine.  and this is really the only way i can get some things off my chest as it were.

and something else that bugs me.  people equate dying with depression.  people don't have to be depressed in their quest to die.  i'm sure it's a decent reason for the deed, but still, one doesn't depend on the other.  i don't think i'm depressed, or suffering from depression.  sure i'm taking an anti-depressant (effexor), but i don't think it's influenced my decision much.

it's really weird feeling like i do.  i have these sensations that make me shiver sometimes.  like when i think about the moment of death where you will have drawn your last breath.  what that is like.  and try to figure out what exactly happens at that point.  i've read some people's interpretations of various religious texts, but since i'm a man without religion (i was raised catholic but haven't been to mass in more than 15 years).  i'm not one to get too involved in other people's religions.  my belief system is a hard one to articulate.

anyway, i'm done for tonite.  i'll post again tomorrow (or the next day) - if i make it that long.