in god we trust

tonite i'd like to talk about trust.  trust is everywhere.  in people.  in things.  in just about everything, there's a certain level of trust between you and that person, or with that thing (i trust the car will get me to work in the morning).  trust that can easily be dismissed with a bad act.  trust can be easily quantified.  trust is one of the building blocks of humanity.   animals even have trust in their lives.  so it's a life thing, rather than a human thing.  not rather than, in addition to it being. a human thing.  sounds dirty duzn't it.

trust earned the hard way can be one way of gaining trust.  you spend trust just the same.  let's say you gain someone's trust, and he decides to back your new venture with a million bucks.  that's a million dollar trust.  in business they write it all down on paper.  all the same thing, i trust you, and you trust me.  and with a million dollars at stake, i would think that tust would be worth gold.  i also must be trust worthy.  worthy of said trust.  a million dollars can buy you a lot of trust.

how does this play out on the suicidee's house? diversion can be good for the soul.  talking about trust and knowing that others' trust in me could be in jeopardy over this suicide deal. i have to think about this some more.  i wish i didn't have to be so concerned about our trust.  i can see why suicide would upset that balance with these people.  it would be nice if we could all trust each other and voila, we have a perfect world.  but this is a mad world.  like the song says, something to the effect of the dreams are the best i've ever had.  the whole song is great.  but back to the subject du jour.  trust.

trust is a two-way deal.  it can't be just one side trusting the other.  that's lop sided.  i trust very few people, and nobody with the keys to the house.  on 911 knows (it's in the 2nd line for the address).  nobody has my trust without question.  and very few have even an ounce of my deep trust.   the only trust that i give to people is with money.  it's easier to quantify too.  but money is the main reason for someone to trust me.  i've handled large amounts in my time.  money doesn't scare me.  i trust money.  trust it'll get me what i have to have, and enough left over for some of those desireables.  

ya, money and i go way back.  :)  really, i used to have so much money i could do anything i wanted to.  but times have changed.  people have changed.  and yet money remains the leader in the trust department.  money buys trust.  however, that's not to say trust isn't free.  well, nothing's free doll, but that's another story.  but everyone pays for the trust in some way.  money, or favor.  all the same to me.  but it seems the more money you have, you're afforded that much extra trust.  uh huh.

trust with love is another kind of trust.  one that i didn't have, nor ever had, that trust in love.  shame too because i sure loved the hell out of a few boys.  but there was only the like-me trust in any of my relationship i've had in the past.  i was in love, he wasn't.  it was the same for all 4 of 'em.  they weren't ready to have that level of trust in me, and i didn't blame them for it.  i knew i was on the shortcoming set and kept to myself most of my life.  not a real socialite if ya know what i mean.

i trust that i'm going to die when i say it's time.  and that it won't drag out for days on end.  i also trust that linda is going to do what i proscribed in theNote.  theNote started to get out of control, so i whittled it down to 2 pages, and a list separately spells out what i need done.  thinking about this has me wondering now, i have things that probably should go into the will.  ever worked on one of those things?  it's like i have to make sure they don't have questions that can be answered in a letter.  i gotta get someone to do about 16 things.  from calling people, to calling utilities/etc. and discontinue service.  this whole paragraph is getting to sound like it should be in a post by itself.

but my trust is in certain people and they've earned thjeir trust by being trust worthy first, and civil/professional second.  i don't trust a lot in any pareticular religion.  what i believe would fill a page or two, so i won't get into the details here.  but suffice it to say i believe in reincanation, and to some extent that whole trip of being out of body, having a conscious experience and having the ability to give life to a new body, and someone is keeping score.  there, that about sums up my belief system, and i'll be glad to discuss them in another forum.

but trust is something that should be taken with a grain of salt.  in god we trust.  i wonder how many people actually trust god, having never met the man.  

well, if you're still reading this, understand one thing.  understand that i am merely writing what comes to mind.  i think about it only after it's been mentioned.  what gets said here is from a part of me that wants to die.  there's another part of me tho, that needs to live.  balancing the two is how the game is played.  to live, one only needs to breathe.  to die however, even with the different ways of it happening, to die is a one way street.  when you die, you die.  when you live, you also live.  but you can do so much more when you live.  and death is only a part of life .. the part that makes eveything else seem as if it didn't matter.  tnot a care in the world for the way you live your life.  like mtm tossing her hat in the beginning of the mary tyler moore show.

i think it's the permanence of it that must be weighed in by about 3 times.  take for instance, when one is suicidal, yet isn't really ready to 'die', how much weight would you equate the event with?  would you put more weight on the isssue because .of it's permanence?  i think i've  already made clear that you don't absolutely gotta have it, depression.  without depression, how can one be suicidal?  i can only answer that i'm not depressed.  or i might be and i don't know it.  it's kinda hard to take a good look at yourself when you live alone.  i used to have a floor-length mirror, made me tall and thin.  :)

death is such a taboo word it seems.  one must be a believer or a non-believer.  power over your death is the ultimate power.  the ability to say you know when you're going to die has got to ignite something down there.  death to me is, i think it is when you crossover onto another plane of existence.  your soul, or whatever you wanna call it, but the essence of life that exists beyond existence...  whatever you wanna call it, is very real.  not touchey feely, but real nonetheless, non-depression, or whatever you wanna call it, can be anything.  it doesn't have to be but a few things.  being real has got to mean from the heart.  if one would leave the thinking processes alone, then we'd all be living in a better world.

i haven't been giving too much thought about the instant i die, what happens, and how long does that last.  i'd like to know what transpires right at that moment when breathing stops and eyes close, and the heart stops.  i always wondered, can people feel their own heartbeat?  i do.   reflections such as that happen with greater frequency.  

well, i guess i've taken uip enough of your time.  thanks for sticking around.  read on and take into consideration that you're passing throgh time backwards. 

right now, right here

what's that song, right now right here?  i keep going over the same stanza of this song that has right now right here in it.  but i don't know the name to the tune.   there's some hits on right now, right here, and maybe i just have it ass backwards.  but it's a tune i can't get out of my head.  

it's not the song i was thinking of, but since hearing right here right now i've grown fond of that song.  the links are to some fatboy slim tunes and videos.  anyway, this song is a nice piece done by fatboy slim.  they have another tune i like, i don't know the name of it, but i do recognize the name fatboy slim.  i don't know music like i used to when i was in the business. 

suicide isn't on my mind today.  probably good too because i would hate to have to feel that way until it happens.  i really don't wanna make a big deal about it either.  nor do i want something after the event.  i did think about it earlier today tho.  it's an event that crys out for understanding.  i get the chills once in a while.  a *shiver* happens when i hit the nail on the head.  right now right here is a perfect expression for what i'm going through.  things mean a lot more - obviously.  

what will i miss most?  that's hard to say. i would have to say diva, hands down.  her health and keeping are my main concern.  i trust my friend pete who agreed to take her when that time comes.  but her future is very much a concern for me, a point that could derail this whole trip.  if i let it.  it wouldn't be hard to not to.  her love and prrr will be missed.  i could shed some tears on the issue.  but i won't.

suffice it to say, there's reason out there for both sides of this debate.  both sides are correct when the reason is bisexual.  that was hard to express.  i say bisexual because of the way both sides are right.  this isn't a male/female thing, nor is it a macho man thing.  in fact, sex hasn't played a part in my decision making processed in 2 years or more.  jan of 2005.  the day of dad's funeral to be exact. listening to bothsides, when actually, the only one whose thoughts matter is myself.  if i were to listen to anybody else, i would feel not in control.  i like control.  control group was the name of my company back in 81.  since then, i've been totally asexual... something i should be proud of, things just don't have the same aura they oince had.  but that's just growing up and getting grey.  is it ay or ey?

when i think about the suicide thing, i get into one of these modes that sees nothing else along the way.  very narrow-sighted.  i think there's a term for that, god help me i don't know what it is.  but if and when i think about suicide, i don't get depressed.  and i didn't have any tears - until tonite.  not full-fledged tears, but water in the eye tearing up.  i'll miss a lot more than i thought about.  and i'm afraid if i continue to dwell on those issues i may not get the job done.

when is still unknown.  i know it'll be a few more days.  i keep feeling like i'm going to get into getting out of it, i doubt that i'll have any issues that haven't been through online here, and i am using fields as a means of bouncing back with comments, even though they're not online, i do know that there have been hits.  i was just hoping for more comments i guess.  i know there was a period of time when the page was private, but that didn't last too long.  i got the weblogs the other day and ran them through one of those loggers that you can find almost anywhere on the web ...  didn't really tell me anything i didn't know or was interested in.  it was nice seeing the referrer stats.  that made reading the report more interesting.

but back to when.  i'll know it when it arrives.  i'll jus sit up and say, it's time.  and then i'll proceed to the bedroom.  taking these pills, all 40 of them, could pose to be a bit more difficult than i think.  thank god they're small tablets.  it'll make taking them more easy.  then after i down the pills, i would probably check the house one last time.  make sure the back door is locked, and the kats, and yes, wilth a K, out in the porch are fed and have dinner in their dish.  i should just put out the bag, but then i'll have every cat in the neighborhood coming over.  it is thanks giving.  i spoze i could tolerate it for a day.  buster and blacky have been getting milk from me in addition to special kitty food.  diva doesn't like me doing that but she's got no choice.  

on my last time through the old house, there's a lot of memories in this house.  i don't have pictures much, on the mac i have face.jpg and a sequence of that every other day or so.  i spoze if i ran them alol through a sequencer, they could account for a good portion of my life.  i would turn on the tv, and get into bed.  falling asleep could prove interesting.  i would think, taking 40 sleeping pills, that i would jus gently fall asleep, and let the good times roll.

when?  i dunno.  stay tuned.  i'll post here with my last dying breath.

a real rant

what's a man supposed to feel, 48 hours before his death.  knowing what time you go has got to be a gift.  i doubt everybody can do that.  but having that knowledge has got to lead to some advantages in life.  just think, you won't be around to see your next credit card bill.  you won't have to pretend any more.  all that is in the future for me for sure is sleep.  hopefully i won't awaken before the event  .  provided i can get to sleep in the first place.

but knowing the time of your death has got to be a real gift.  i won't be able to tell the difference it'll make.  i think it was 1984 or so when i had my vision of dying.  i saw how it was to die.  and felt it.  it felt cold.  it was like a cold wave of water came over me.  talk about *shiver*ing.  death was real cold and that was the big and most important thing i remember from that vision.  although it told me that the manner in which my death occurred.  and that was by hanging.  i was going to die by hanging.  i'm of the belief like that of my most recent visions i go by drug overdose.   now whether that meant suicide, or accidental, i don't know.  i am unable to recall much more than a few tidbits of knowledge from that event.  and i call it an event only because of the lasting effect it had on me.

but it's getting close.  close to the day of the event.  my heart is pounding rather hard right now.  i think maybe i should learn something.  just what that is is beyond me right now.  i thought i had a darn good education, and applied learning techniques to most of my active and productive life.  i was always eager to learn new stuff.  made me a good candidate for something, i jus never really found out what.  ya know, ya think you've lived a good life because you don't harm or wish harm to one's neighbors.  'sides, i hate fights.  boxing too.  and this ultimate fighting they got goin now, is way out of my league.  i was most comfortable in the navy.  

i figure i have a while yet before the event.  i can't put my finger on any date, yet.  i'll post in here and hopefully make this blog the last online thing i do.  i have mIRC and sit on #mindvox, and #interport. i'm  not real active as you can see.  

i was able to watch history in the making.  walking on the moon.  the tearing down of the berlin wall... of the computer.  just think where we would be without the computer.  i know i'd be lost to high heaven if i didn't have my box.  my life is on that box.  mess with that and you're messin with my livelihood. 

the computer tho has affected us all in such a way that has yet to be defined.  the computer is credited with having saved countless lives.  it's affect on humanity is global in nature and extremely individualistic.  there are lessons to be learned in almost every corner.

take 9/11, a tragedy of the highest order.  i have my #mindvox log for several hours on that morning.  it still gives me the *shivers*.  i think because i was watching cnn or msnbc that morning.  i wish i had diary that went back that far, but alas, 2000, june is the first of my diaries, but i still have the 1986-2008 years.   but 9/11 will always stick in my mind as something you experience and hope you never repeat it.  the world trade center was my backyard for a few years.  I lived across the street from the american stock exchange.  the building i moved out of was torn down later in 2001, as it was almost destroyed under the WTC debris.  it was another one of those god's saving me for some reason events.

oh the memories.  they seem to flash before my eyes, and there's little i can do about it.  i think i'm reliving (in feeling) moments from my time here on earth, and 9/11 stands out and about as high as the day i went into the navy.  that's when i became david schmidt again.  nehemiah mahana just disappeared.  but that's for another day.

i'm giving it about 5 days before i go.  that'll put me into saturday, and that's not one of the days i remember expressing.  so figure next wednesday.  this planning like this, produces a strange feeling/sensation.  not quite *shiver*, but not as cold.  i wonder, how is one supposed to act in my position?

i just hope none of you go off your rocker and get all excited and tell me that i shouldnt do it, and give me reasons from here to the setting sun why, but since it's not illegal, and one can not simply call up the sherriff and have him arrest an individual and put him/her into the nearest psych ward.  but since it's legal, i don't see the harm in writing about it.  i think that's why i'm here.  to write about my experience.  at least make it known that there is dignity in death this way.  suicide isn't always a depressing event.  not to me it's not.  many people would argue with me on that front.  but i have maintained that i'm going to go into this with my head held high and as knowledgable 

so please, if you've got some constructive criticism, by all means email me.

oh wow

something that hit me like a ton of bricks.  in iowa, suicide is not illegal.  i think only assisted suicide is.  but there is no law on the books outlawing suicide.  i searched the 2007 code here.

that's enlightening.  i'm also told that in order for 2 people to forcibly commit another person to the psych ward, one needs approval and a judge's signature to do it.  since i have a decent lawyer, i can't see that happening.  so that little show of force the other day was just that, a dog and pony show.  and i fell for it.

but never again.  famous last words wouldn't ya say?

correction

oh my bad.  i have diaries online that go back to february of 1986.  so it's not 1984, like the movie.  1986 is the beginning of one of my lives.  and i think i went through several lives from that period to 2000.

and the doctor said, part deux

went to see dr. johnson today.  got right in and right out for a total of 20 minutes tops from walk-in to walk-out.  the fastest i've seen yet.  but i couldn't talk to him about suicide.  had i even mentioned it he would certainly have called upstairs and get me committed.  i really believe that, and am sadded that i couldn't tell him the real story.  i feel like i need some guidance from the medical community.  i'm already connected to the spiritual community, to the extent i want, and am seeking counsel on the physical side of things.  like the mechanics of ambien.  how does it work, and what would it take to produce a coma, and general things like that.  the need for more information is the driving force behind my questions.

i don't know what i'd say to my doctor.  i'd ask him about ambien.  and whether or not one can be dead, but still having a heart beat.  what about breathing, and things that deal with the lungs.  what stops the breathing?  would the heart go first? or the lungs?  i still have yet to find answers to a lot of questions i have, mainly about death, but dying (heh, death and dying, didn't i make a post about that?) and the mechanics of it all.  

the very fact that i couldn't open up with my doctor only proves my point:  we need more dicussion about it.  suicide is something strictly personal, and only one soul affected.  i believe in laws that provide the right to die, instead of laws that would criminalize suicide.  i'm not sure where iowa stands on this, but if i'm dead, how would i be affected won't matter.  still, i'm curious now.  something to do.

but getting back to my doctor's appointment today... my doctor is really a cool ass dude.  he's always been there for me for the last 10 years.  we've built up a nice relationship, and he was going to keep me even though he's letting go of about a hundred (or more) patients to pursue this new center for diabetes.  i guess they're holding off on moving him right now, and it's been pushed back to january from what i gather (i spoke with melinda).  but who knows. they'll probably never get it done, although i have to admit, having that valet there in winter has got to be one of the best things mercy's done in the last 5 years.

even though my appointment lasted less than 10 minutes, i can see why, he's only charging me 45 bucks.  or something like that, i get this monthly thing.  it tracks my prescription and my medical use.  it's a nice package. i record everything. i've got diaries that go back to 1984.  i think it's 84.  i was going to put them all on the web, and got only into the 4th book.  check it out.

so medical care in this community while needing improvements, has come a long way.  i find the majority of personnel there caring like they should be.  one can always expect to be taken seriously when dealing with mercy.  if i were to rate it overall, i'd give it a 7.5.  out of 10.  what do i like about them the most?  i'd have to say their approach to an issue.  you always know where they stand on things. that's not to imply there's nothing that gets in below radar.  they pride themselves of making the top 100 hospitals in the nation.  as they should. but between them and the mayo clinic?  they're about the same.  mayo is also world renowned.  holding up mercy to that standard would be unfair.  so take it with a grain of salt, it's only my opinion.

suffice it to say, i'm comfortable and relaxed when i deal with mercy.   and they're it for medical care in north iowa.  there's mayo 90 miles away, but that's only quarterly.  december 8th is my next appt there.  whether or not i make it really depends on several things. and i go back to johnson in 2 weeks - this is the 2nd time in as many weeks that he's seeing me.  even though he's been all smiley and shit, one would get the sense that he's the joking type because he has this smile on him all the time.  if johnson were with some other organization or on his own even, i would go to whereever he went.  he'd keep me as a patient until i die, even though it'll be sooner than he thinks.

the only thing i dislike about mercy is the fact that they can not handle this discussion.  hence, i post alot about it in here, plus there's the ability to deny the truth.  not that i would lie, but i may not offer the whole truth about things, and request that i be respected in that manner, not classify me as a psycho in need of psychiatric intervention.  being locked up on 5 east is just something that would not help matters any.  in fact i could be forced to take matters into hand and do something i'm not planning on.  but telling the truth to mercy just isn't a possibility at this time.  i'm hoping that their dealings with me may change that.  i do have that therapist's card, ---  see what i mean?  there's no email address on her business card.  just one of those things they didn't think about.  that's ok, i have the email address of that therapist, lee-ann nelson i think her name is.  nice lady.  gave me that life is like a river explanation link.  

well, i think i've taken up enough of your time tonite.  thanks for hangin with me.  i'll be back.

so far this week

remember when i almost got locked up last week?  well, in that event i agreed to see one of their therapists.  in behavioral services.  or the psych ward.  she was keen on believing me when i told her that this was all a misunderstanding.  it was.  and some.  since i only have one more doctor appointment, tomorrow, i don't have anything on the calendar until december 8th, when i go to mayo.  of course, i kept that to myself.  i hold my freedom as a precious commodity.

anyway, i'm in this lady's office and she's asking thousands of questions, it was like the only thing she didn't ask me was how big i was.  really.  talk about 20 questions.  this was like 60 questions.  everything under the sun it seemed was important.  and i understood, and was growing tired of the answers.  but she did pass along a nice link for me on the subject of death.

http://www.near-death.com/experiences/research01.html.  life is a river it seems.  ya, i can see that.  i've never made the comparison before but it's right on the money.  

i'm commited to nothing right now.  and it's an experience i used to relish.  i have nothing that is keeping me around to hold on to.  or to look foward to.  kinda empty actually.  tomorrow, i should be expecting much of the same as today, only with someone i've never seen before.  so it'll be interesting.  and i can't very well ask that she find the body.  so thursday is best for discovery.  that means a wednesday is best to do it on.  so we're back to wednesday.  funny how that keeps happening.  something else, i can't remember now how wednesday came up.

that's tomorrow.  dear.  to morrow ?  this has me thinking of the possibilities.  of the possible postponement?  funny how that's not the thing that's most on my mind right now.  but tomorrow would be a feat i think only hercules could perform.  and i am no hercules.  not tonite.  but tomorrow, i'll go see johnson, and play the game.  then come home and be miserable with this fuckn pain in my left leg, and pop more methadone - i'm taking 45 10mg tablets ... a day.  enough said.

but this week is still in the playing field.  get beyond tomorrow, and i'll have to forge ahead for 7 more days.  i should probably take this private, but i'll keep it public ... for now.  am i close?  i'm close.  like in horseshoes...  not a ringer, but still worth the throw.

why not now?

i'm posting because i would like an answer from you.  why not now?  that could be asked of both sides of this debate.  why not now.  it's a simple question.  one that deserves attention,.  why not now could be used by someone who is contemplating suicide and by someone who expresses dissatisfaction of the whole idea.  it would mean two different things.  why not now is a perfectly legit question for both sides.

why not now.  there's probably a host of reasons why.  school tomorrow.  wanna see who wins the american idol.  family is getting together next week.  all sorts of reasons for why not now.  why not now?  because i don't feel like it.  

why not now can also be used by those that advocate suicide.  it acts as a postponing agent.  why not now causes one to think just the opposite, why now.  why now and why not now are excellent examples of thought and thinking.  too many think that suicide is done without much thinking.  i'm here to point out that is wrong.  there's a whole lot of thinking going on, if you will.

but in answer to your question, i'll part with this:  because it's my time to go.  i know it'll happen at my hand.  i've known about this for many many years and every so often i dwell upon the subject, and often find myself misunderstood.  i'm sure suicide is a personal thing with you, no?  that suicide is taboo because it is gauche?  or does suicide actually make you ill?  i find myself questioning the messenger, rather than concentrating on the message.

why not now is a question that invites another question - why now?  suicide isn't but one thing,  the end all of endalls.  something that once accomplished, is over permanently.  it's something that can not be withddrawn later.  the permanence of it makes me shiver sometimes. but there's something else that's afoot here.  i don't act like 'what the hell, i aint gonna be around to suffer any consequences' shit.

nope.  why not now has only one answer for me tonite.  and i wish i could understand and know what that answer is.  to tell you the truth, i'm too lazy to get up and go find those pills, and get myself ready for one last night.  i should think about this some more, i'm finding myself asking who ever is listening, what is it that makes me not wanna do this.  i cant put my finger on any one answer, but i can't think of anything more than one answer.  i would have to think on it some more, but right now mother nature is starting to part company.

death and dying

death and dying.  two subjects that should probably mean the same thing.  it's all about the end of life.  i think one concentrates more on the approach to that end, and death is the actual deed that constitutes the end of life.  i pretty much use the terms without much thought.  if i were to really think about death and dying, i could see myself commiting suicide.  

i figure if i were to think about it and delve really deep into the subject matter, i would be convinced that what i believed were to be the actual way it is.  when in fact, there can be no assurance of what happens at that point.  i think the process of dying holds more truth in words than what death is about.  for dying takes some time, usually.  for those who go immediately, i think they're spared the suffering that takes shape during the period of one dying.

i dont believe that suicide is wrong tho.  the process of dying is still evident in many of the reasons behind most suicidal persons' desire to kill themselves.  iow, someone who's gravely ill - it doesn't have to be terminal - who thinks dying is the only way to end the suffering.  maybe the person just feels it's his time to go and doesn't suffer prior to the event.  people with money problems for instance.  the suffering they endure may not be physical, it could be all emotional, but the suffering is there.  since that's not the case with me, i wouldn't be able to comment on what it's like for those persons.

i do believe that given enough physical suffering, there will come a time when suicide looks like the best option.  there are those who would disagree with me on that point (so post a comment  about it).  i'm a firm believer in the persons' right to die, and only he/she would be able to draw the line as to when enough is enough.  an illness that basically costs the person the dignity of living life to its fullest is cause enough to commit suicide.  and i'm sure there will be those who would disagree with me on that point.  but i believe in the fundamental right to die.  should we question the person's motives?  absolutely.  maybe they haven't thought out all the options clearly enough to be able to make such a permanent decision. 

but when the person knows and has weighed all the options to the satisfaction of himself (or herself), i think that person should be allowed to end their lives, and have it done as painlessly as possible.  i happen to live in a state that doesn't recognize the person's right to die, yet.  they will, as will all the states come to their senses on this matter.  washington and oregon have laws that allow suicide to be assisted by medical personnel.  Death with dignity has the best up-to-date information on the movement.  i salute those folks over there for their hard work on the Washington Act.

i'm sure you can find millions of websites out there about death and dying.  google returned almost 3 million sites.  i wonder if fields is one of them.  i guess i need an outlet to express what i can't do in person with the people i have around me.  i tried to check out how certain people around me felt about the subject, and they were all pretty much on the same page:  suicide is bad.  so we didn't reallky discuss it much.  there's no changing their attitudes.  a shame too.  so this is my only 'out' when it comes to right to die issues.  i wish the medical community around me were more open to discussion than what they've shown me.  i understand their position, but i don't think they understand mine.  and this is really the only way i can get some things off my chest as it were.

and something else that bugs me.  people equate dying with depression.  people don't have to be depressed in their quest to die.  i'm sure it's a decent reason for the deed, but still, one doesn't depend on the other.  i don't think i'm depressed, or suffering from depression.  sure i'm taking an anti-depressant (effexor), but i don't think it's influenced my decision much.

it's really weird feeling like i do.  i have these sensations that make me shiver sometimes.  like when i think about the moment of death where you will have drawn your last breath.  what that is like.  and try to figure out what exactly happens at that point.  i've read some people's interpretations of various religious texts, but since i'm a man without religion (i was raised catholic but haven't been to mass in more than 15 years).  i'm not one to get too involved in other people's religions.  my belief system is a hard one to articulate.

anyway, i'm done for tonite.  i'll post again tomorrow (or the next day) - if i make it that long.

new look

some of you might have noticed already, but poopy has a new look.  nothing radical really, just tweaking the ad sense agreement.  i have none, or so i thought.  my publisher ID is some  long ass number (it's in my phonebook tho).  so they're having to send something to somebody.  right?  i wonder if the irs would catch this as a red flag.  i dunno.  i figure what the hell.  but i've gotta say.  i've never had a bounced check.  that's because i keep good records.  can't really say good can i.  i lost a bunch of information.  all of 2002 it seems.  has gone away to lala land.  i have the master which covers most of 2000, and all ove 2001, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, and 2008, well, up to halloween 2008.  but that's a lot of information.  i cant remember the exact number, but it's like almost a decade's worth of life.  it might not have been the glamorous life, nor much of a life at all.  that was the point of moving to mason city from new york.  change of rhythm.

well, i got what i paid for on that front.  walking in mason city isn't like walking in new york.  everybody drives around here.  but in new york, we walked or took public transportation.  but it was different enough that i thought i'd get away from what was obviously a problem that went whereever i went. the problem was me.  if there was a problem.  dealing with the health issues i have doesn't excuse me from doing what i did.  and if you think you're going to get me to confess to something, don't hold your breath.  i am divulgoing only what is pertinent to the story.

back to the issue at hand.  getting away from new york.,  and i got away.  way away.  if ever there was a counter-new york, it would be mason city.  i dunno why. the justice system around here is pretty new yorkish.  unless you don't believe law & order.  anyway, i got away from other new yuorkers, but stuck with the new york Q, er the new yorker david.  i brought back some or anything i could think of, as long as it was from new york.  and on and on i went with the partying and getting hit by the police pne time for public intox.  that was dean's funeral.  i got drunk and tried to drive home.  ya wuld think i'm a stalwart supporter of drunk driving laws.  i ammm, but not for the reason you might think.  but suffice it to say, i learned a little bit about mason city justice.

it wasn't until the last coupla years, actually, since my father's funeral.  i remember it like it was yesterday.  the day i took a major turn around, and for no apparent reasoning or supportive system in place.   didn't have to go to any meetings or anything of that sort.  it wasn't the 12 step program - i know about those things.  but ever since my dad's funeral (in 2005 i think it was).  i can't search the obits on globegazette.com.  i don't like their site very much.  had to read.  even with the text way up there.  anyway, i came to mason city to bring internet into the midwest.  i went around and got people online.  if they didn't have a computer, i would build them one.  but i got 'em all online and excited about the future.

the goin was good, as they say,.  i then got sick, and have been wrong ever since.  sickness can do some pretty fierce things to the body.  i went from a healthy 195 to a paltry 153.  and that's with shoes and jeans on.  so living like i've been most of my life was out of the question.  i came to mason city because i thought it would be ideal, and it is.  only thing is i don't have a family in the traditional sense.  my family are neighbors.  good solid neighbors that haver been my neighbors for as long as i've been here. neighbors who would be right there when you need them.  those kinda people are the folks like to surround myself with.

but my time is up.  i can't stop thinking about that.

so, what's next?

a very good question that is.  what's next?  if i choose to write about certain things that are 100% cyber, i have to watch what i say.  the thoughts that have been expressed herein are mine, of course.  and so far, there has been little to no physical evidence of any kind.  but really, what's next?  and what did it do to free information?

i know i'd like to discuss the subject suicide.  it's a subject matter that begs discussion.  openly, fairly, and unabashful.  only through truth shall we live to be free.  free to think any damn thing we want.  free to discuss any damn thing we want.  suicide happens to depressed people.  depressed people do not need to do suicide.  but one does not need to be depressed to commit suicide.

if these are radical beliefs, what am i to do?  since i don't asssociate much beyond one person a week.  heh...  that's gotta take it's toll.  but, there's shelley from mercy, on tuesdays, and either linda or bob through the week call or come over.   mercy just changed the rules and now clients are no longer allowed to ride along to do food shopping.  bad policy imho.  but that's about all the excitement i get from people who are real people. 

but i would like to resume and pick up where i left off.  i'd like to continue the 'countdown'.  hopefully i'll generate a response from someone.  that's the whole point.  generate disucssion of this taboo subject matter.  whatever your beliefs on death are, i'm sure i'd like to hear your version.  email me or by commenting on this post.

the debate

the debate now is whether or not one has the right to say whatever turns him on.  one can't simply yell fire in a theatre.  therefore, one is not protected on every thing he says.  but words are just that.  words.  lemme find the dictionary blurb, and paste it for you.  there. click on dictionary.

but suffice it to say, words are nothing more than mere thoughts of action,  they're nothing like a tangible object you can hold or mold, and generally misuse.  words are imaginations gone amok.  or they can be as gentle as a baby lamb.  

what i say - or don't say - here in this forum, or any other forum, should be viewed for what it dreams up in your pretty little heads.  what i say here, and everywhere, is generally not known 

before they land on some window, or piece of paper.  i call it Q writing.  it allows me to learn just like you would learn.  for many of these words are but one instance in time when they are spoken.

this whole date thing that keeps popping up in people's conversations, i had to go back and search for the post that had that date in it.  there are times when i put words to paper, and will not read them, and understand their true meaning, until much later - if ever.  it's like not eating your cooking.  it's not a telltale sign of the quality of the product.

and gertting my fingers back on the home row is a task, without light.  i'm only happy that manufacturers thought of me.  they put little dots on the two index finger keys.  the f and j keys.  that way blind people can type.  and you will probably think this was done by a blind man.  i might as well be blind.  i cant readily read what i'm typing.  i'm only hoping that what i'm typing comes out on the screen the way i want it.

anyway, back to the subject matter.  suicide should be about debate.  for without debate on suicide, how can one possibly expect to understand the things around the subject.  that's why i posted, so people will talk about it, in a more elevated mood.  one has to almost choke on the tears by the sound of it when listening to other people's tales of suicidal tendancies.  i admit i shivered at one point.  it could have been in theNote or diary.  it's somewhere.  you'll know it when it hits.  

by the way, washington state passed a proposition, or whatever they're called, new law that enables assisted suicide for those folks that are in similar positions.  only i'll bet most of them are depressed.  which i don't consider is the case here.  and i'd be willing to bet that most aiuthorities believe in the fact that most suicides are the result of deep depressions in the soul prior to the event.  i know also the simple fact that i  don't fit the mold of a suicidal person.  whether or not i'm suicidal, is a question that only i can answer.  others who read what i'm writing can feel that i'm suicidal too i suppose.  and that's fine.  as long as you don't entrench upon my personal liberty.  respect for each others opinions is the hallmark of American society.  i respect that you may not see death the same way i do.  i would be very surprised if you did feel the same way i do on this issue.  very surprised.

professional suicide is something that will happen sooner or later in this country.  washington and oregon are years ahead of their counterparts in this regard.  i'd bet if i were to move to oregon, i'd find others who felt the same way in some waiy, that i do.  whether they believe in death the same way i do, i'd be surprised.  i think people can believe in whatever way they choose about death, for it is a God-given right.  and it's not like shouting fire in a theatre either.  i think i'll do some more research into oregon and washington's laws and lines of thought on the subject.  i'm sure it'll be interesting.

free speech isn't very free

my ravings on poopy have gotten me into trouble.  i had 2 people here this morning from a home care company, telling me that i was suicidal and that they had to act accordingly.  they told me that they would get the sherriff involved, and he would forcibly take me to the local hospital.  these two people were staff of this hospital.  but i don't think there's a conspiracy, only among the two women.

these rants are just that.  rants.  rants about a subject matter that should be discussed.  openly or not at all.  there should be open discussions about suicide and every aspect of the event.  that's what i'm trying to do here.  provoke discussion about a subject that continues to draw criticism against the right to die.  there must be assisted suicide laws that enable one to end his/her own life.  laws that protect all involved.

getting into character is something held dear by most method actors.  i thought i was doing a pretty good job.  i dunno, maybe not.  how do you feel?  i'll have to get some mail on the subject before i turn any corners.  otherwise i'll just let it all hang out, shall we say.  whether or not i commit suicide shouldn't be the issue.  i've always maintained that i would die by my own hand. that's been a solid belief of mine for over 20 years.

my words should not be grounds to put me in a locked room.  period.  no two ways about it.  my words should be taken as a whole, and not cherry picked, because there's so many different ways of interpreting my words when not taken as a whole.  it would be pretty hard to listen to my story and not feel something.  this is all part of the Q experience.  my diaries are the essence of Q.  i may not get it ivy, but it blooms nonetheless.

reasons to do it

with all this talk about where, why, when, one thing was overlooked.  There's also good reasons to commit suicide.  Like, to discover what is on the other side.  or, how about getting out of paying debt?  the pain will no longer be invasive.  there will be no pain, physically and emotionallly.  it's like the body dies, but the spirit continues on.  i dunno, i spoze i could get into it, but that's not why i'm writing this now.

personally, there's stuff that i would rather not deal with.  then there's stuff that i know i have to deal with, and do so, even with some objection.  things like not having the friends i wish i couldhave.  sure i've got friends online.  but they're not of the "next door" type.  i don't have many 'real life' friends.  maybe 5.  and only one of them is my best friend.  a person i could tell anything.  any thing.  that's gotta be concrete too.

but there's stuff that i'll be happy i won't have to deal with any more.  stuff like having to clean the house.  or do laundry.  or cleaning diva's room.  that's a mess back there.  not really.  it's organized and it is a lot of stuff .  i basically watch television all fuckn day.  i keep it on tnt.  i'll miss tv.  especially seeing stargate series.  i'm a real fan of joe flanigan.  ooh,.  if i was still sexual.

cooking is another task that i'll be happy not to have to worrry about.  abolishing it would make it a good crossover reason ....  cooking and cleaning are basically it.  no more of that shit.  i don't think i could completely think of this reason to be total justification to commit suicide.  but in conjunction with other reasons, taken as a whole, the sum would justify or dare i say, demand it.  dare i say huh.  cooking forcing suicide?  that didn't come out right. 

lemme try again here.  cooking is an activity that i will not miss doing.  there.  

ok, so what does all this have to do with the price of china?  well, lemme tell ya.  everything is important in the days leading up to your suicide.  you have things that have got to be prepared prior to the event.  so ya, it's part and parcel to the subject du jour.  

i'm so happy with obama winning.  and i voted.  for the very first time.  that is a long story, but sufffice it to say, i wanted a piece of history.  i stuck the 'i voted' sticker on my mirrors by the door.  i picked a winner.  thank god i dont have stuff in the stock market.  it's not moving today like i thought it would.  maybe tomorrow.

that's about it.  i'll have to go out and have lunch with linda or something.  she's off in the next day or two;  i can't remember her schedule now.  she called this morning, but i didn't pick up.  thank god for vonage.  nobody else gives you the email address to messages like vonage does.  i especially liked the simul-ring action that you can program your service to do.

finally tho really.  this will be my last statement.  i'll go when it's my time to go.  how will i know it's my time?  because i'll know.  i don't ever ask how do i know something.  i either know it, and feel it, or i don't.  one knows these things.  even though it's hard to put into words sometimes.  but one knows when it's the right time.  i think i can safely say it feels like a wednesday event.  but don't quote me on that.

bye.

LANDSLIDE!

obama took iowa in a landslide, and i think it'll mirror the country.  very well done barack.  so lets get to work.

if you need convincing

just take a read of the David Diaries.  you'll understand why suicide is such a good option for me. search for 6/18/03 and take a peek into the life i led during that period of time.  i shiver when i think about it, and certainly when i read about it years after the fact.  i always knew i was lucky to be alive.  the coates house fire did that to me.  that's me on the ladder, the only ladder that worked that night.  i was the last one out alive.  21 people died in that fire.  i think the worse in kansas city history.  if i survived that, i should have survived anything, and i lived with a deathwish for years like that.  doing drugs like it was water.  i was never really hooked, even tho i acted like it.  but i lived that life and came out alright.

i don't regret a day of it tho.  all those nights on the interstate. i'll remember them the most.  in rain, pouring down rain, in south carolina one year.  took forever to get across that state if memory serves me right.  anyway, enough of memory lane.  back to the subject du jour.

suicide, and why.  my diaries should spell it out.  i've lived it all.  i went from rich to poor, from productive to destructive.  i've lived a life so full of shit, i think i gotta give some back to my maker because it's too much.  40mb too much if ya wanna know about it.  and that's only from the year 2000.  the years before i moved to mason city in 1998.  the 70's were good and the 80's were better.  the 90's were a turning point from high on the hog to skid row.  drugs will do that to ya if ya let it.

anyway, tonite's not about me, it's about barack obama.  i voted today, and i'm happy to report that barack obama will be our next president.  and it's only 1834.  %1834%.  heh.

from the David Diaries

"08/22/03","%0209%

fields of poopy. almost. lots of paranoia. cars everywhere.

http://krak.farpoint.org/MASTER_DIARY.htm

I VOTED!

i voted today.  first time in my life to do such a deed.  but i wanted to be part of the historical record.  obama is going to win this election, and i'm predicting by big margins.  maybe a landslide?  i dunno, but we'll see later on tonite.  i hope you all (you Americans i mean) voted today.

and the doctor said

went outside for the first time in 3 weeks.  it was different.  it was like it if i were just released from jail.  that newfound freedom takes hold of ya and doesn't let go for an hour or more.  it was good that i got out and went shopping.  i even voted for the very first time.  i wantd to be part of history.  i know obama is going to win.  hands down.  i think it'll be a landslide.  but who knows.  they wont start calling it until much later tonite. 8pm is when the first polls close (that's 7 pm my time).  it's tuesday nite tv otherwise.  i think the networks are going to only cut in when necessary.  i dont think they're running a whole show of it. 

shit, i'm wrong.  they are planning a show of it.  i should have looked before i typed.  i could go back and erase what i wrote, but then that's not fair.  to you the readers.  i want you to get the Q line.  that's the line that gets typed then analyzed.  that's the poopy of it all.  stuff you wont get elsewhere.  at least i have never seen anybody type like me.  you get the sanitized version on other sites.  not here.  this is where you get it from the force.

suicide hasn't been on my mind lately.  except when i went to the doctor.  my nurse brought it up and told the doctor that i had been depressed and talked about suicide.  they're all worried about me.  which i guess is only human.  i tried to tell them that i'm holding my head up and high going into this.  this is a conscious decision of reason.  i'm thinking about this event a lot.  and i've got a plan.  sorta.

the questions of how, when and why have yet to be finalized.  i expect them to get resolved before long.  probably within a week or two.  i'm not going to push the thing.  if the answer comes, then fine, i'll deal with it.  and i'll know when the answer arrives.  it'll probably hit me right where it hurts, and i'm gonna rejoice in it.  these are questions that need answering  before the event.  and the sooner it comes, the sooner i'll know it's time.

monday night showing

all day today there's been a marathon of raising the bar, on tnt.  it's their new series that pits public defenders against associate district attorneys.  it's a good show.  bochco does it.  how do you spell his name?  you know what i mean.  

i hesitated on whether or not i would post tonite.  i really don't have anything to say.  i haven't really thought about suicide.  and until i typed it, i didn't think about it.  but now that the topic is out there...

i still am holding my head high on this.  i have to.  if i didn't i would be depressed.  and i don't like being depressed.  nope, i'm feeling normal about this whole thing.  i've had my fill of it all.  especially mornings.  they're the worse.  i dread getting up.  once i'm up, i'm ok.  but it's getting awake.  once i awake, i cant lay around in bed. i get up.  but the pain in the mornings is the worse time of day for me.  once i get methadone down me, and god i'm take a lot of it legally, i'm fine.  and generally throughout the day i'm ok.  i jus can't be taking meds in the middle of the night.  i don't have enough, unless i bump a dose somewhere along the line.  they only give me 1350, which equates to 45 a day.  that's a lot huh.

so taking 40 pills of ambien shouldn't be a problem.  the how isn't in jeopardy.  the when still is.  i wish i didn't have to wait until mid december.  i'm fancy'ing doing it earlier.  but i think i need to stick to a schedule.  i'll get a schedule together sometime in the next week.  i'm still grasping at taking the pills and going to bed.  i haven't gotten that far yet.  

sunday night blues

i'll just bet i'm not the only one up with the sunday night blues, now am i.  i wonder how much mail this will generate.  not much because i really have nothing to say right now.

i'd have to pull a topic out of my hat and dissect it to death.  no pun intended.  like suicide.  i think i'm still in the running on that one  

i did some moving things around today.  i could talk about that.  it was an activity, and one that generated a lot of grief.  well, not grief, but emotion.  ya, it generated a lot of emotion.  not the kind you would wanna expose your mother to.  that type.  but i did feel something while i was moving files around, and updating dns records, for the 2nd time.  i let support @mydomain know about it too.  in a nicely worded letter.  but they need to fix this.  it's not pointing to krak yet.  it's still pointing to home.mchsi.com. 

well, things should be one way, and they're another way.  and that rarely sits well with me.  i dont get bent out of shape over it, but suffice it to say that i can get emtional about it.  there's that word again.  emotional.  strange word when you think about it.  baggage is the other thing that comes to mind when i say emotional.  i wonder why that is.  not really, but it felt nice to have said it.

it's time for bed.  i keep wondering what it would feel like poppoin those pills.  gah, 30 pills, i think i got about 40.  i dont know.  i haven't counted them.  i'm sure i'm gonna have an earful later in the week - tuesday to be exact. when my doctor appointment is.  i'll bet kristie told him somehow, and he's going to get involved.  i wish he would just goahead and drop his patients and feed 'em to the wolves.  it aint gonna bother me any.

what'd i tell ya?  i didn't have anything on my mind tonite to post. and i had to pull what i did ge34t down out of my ass.  now watch, that word will bounce me from 'the list'.  these nanny prorams have me, MOI, blacklisted.  i don't know for sure why, what word in particular they had a problem with, but i don't see anything wrong with the site.  you check it ==> http://www.farpoint.org.

it's still on my mind

suicide is still on my mind.  how can it not be?  the subject matter is something that screams exploration.  since there's really little we know about it, and it's all one-sided.  nobody's been able to define with proof, what it's like on the other side.  death in an of itself is only an event, that lasts hopefully just little time.  death is something that lasts only as long as it takes to travel from this side to the other side.  without knowing where the other side is, it would be iimpossible to determine how much time it takes to make the transition.  i think sleep is borderline event horizon.  when one is sleeping, one is experiencing other realities.  our dreams are more than thought processes.  i think once i fall asleep, and then dying because my heart stopped, or whatever the mechanics of such a death would be.  does my heart just stop beating?  or do i stop breathing first?  i don't know what other actions would be possible under those circumstances.  as long as i didn't wake up before the event, i'll be happy.  even if i do wake up before the event.  that would really be something to write about.

i'll keep posting here as long as possible.  i don't anticpate any downtime until that time.  so as long as i'm posting you can rest assured, i'm still breathing.  i may not post every day, but i'll try.  my cat, Diva is pawing at me now, so let me go attend to her.

i'm trying to feel what it'll feel like come the night of my demise.  in those very last hours, what is it going to feel like?  i can almost put myself in those shoes.  i think there's a natural barrier there, and i need to deal with that.

i'm not shivering like i was earlier (in post terms), shivering really hits me when i feel things.  i know when i was imaginging laying on the bed, what would be going through my mind at that very moment.  i think the reason i don't have a problem talking about it is because of the way i believe.  and to live that life, it would require a fine share of control and attitude.  Death to me is nothing more than a change in life, if you will.  does life embrace death?  i think so.  i think life and death are two sides to the triangle.  purgatory is the other side of that 3some.

so that's what i believe.  what do you believe?  lets get some discussion going on here.

moving on

i must admit, i was completely taken when i heard some of the comments about this site.  i didn't know , so many of you cared enough.  but i think i'll just keep on posting the way i've been posting.  

i still think of suicide and what happens before, during, & after.  i mean to really feel what it will feel like, is still worth discovery.  like when i got the chills the other day.  shivering like that can only happen when the truth is discovered and it's totally different from what would normally be thought to be.  i mean, figure you feel you know the truth about your boyfriend.  and then you discover that your boyfriend was just using you for your money.  and it blindsides you cold.  that's gotta hurt.

well, figure it this way.  should i go, i would like to have known that i did it in good company.  i don't have any issues with anybody i know, which i guess is pretty rare.  but should i go, i would hope to have told at least some of you, and let you get your peace said in private.  what really got me was how much people thought of me as a person.  i don't make friends very well.  nothing really, i jus don't put myself in public very often.  tuesdays used to be my day of dealing with the public.  but now i don't have that, i can only get my public attention is thru my blog, right here.  i answer my email, whenever i get something from someone who i wish to communicate with.  and that's basically been about everyone lately.  i'm on a lot of lists and i get junk shit, but i do skim what they are, and know that i'm not throwing out messages i would like to answer.

given that, that's not to say i don't want to commit suicide.  i've mentioned december 15.  that was just a date i pulled out of my hat.  it has no bearing on anything.  none of the things that are scheduled for me, like a doctor or an eye doctor, or the dentist.  i jus have one appointment, then i have to go to rochester mayo clinic on december 8th i think.  i would say that it'll be my last visit with this new doctor, dr. tsaras i guess his name is.  a nice guy, but not one that'll understand my head. he's too clinical.  the doctor before his was even more scary.  ordered every test under the sun on me one time.  i went thru it all too.  finally said something and it stopped.  about the same time i got the new doctor.  hm.  coincidence?  never thought about it that way.

no, december 15 is just a date i pulled out of air.  thin nothingness air.  the way i feel right now though i could go to bed tonite and not think twice about it.  it would almost be done automagically.  without thought.  i like that word, automagically.  it has one of those high ideals associated with it that it just rolls off the tongue real nice.  automagically.  it's easy to type too.  that's important.  especially when i idont go back and correct myslef.  myself.  i'll jus type the new version. the reader will understand.  it's david writing.

so, i'm left with survivor.  that's enough reason to commit suicide ...  think they're not going thru hell over there?  i could never go through what those players are going through.  anyway, time's up anyway.  my vision of time is important to understand, to underswtand me.  understand.  i have an erotic sense about time.  if you can understand that, you're better than i thought.  really.  erotic time?  time can be erotic.  i dont mean hardon erotic.l  i cant get a hardon any more.  a sad thing come to think of it. but i've gotten to the age where sex isn't what i've always made it to be.  talk about whore.  you're looked at the biggest whore this side of the mississippi.

enough about that.  back to the subject.  how much time before my end.  that's debatable, i would think.  up until now i hadn't really thought about making it public.  i've lived such a public life in the past, but at least i've kept my name out of a lot of shit i suppose.  but my timje has about arrived.  i can feel it.  i know what i have to do.  and to succeed in doing that, i may have to put on a face about things.  unless they're an avid reader of my blog, i expect i'll get my act toghether before long and do what is expected of me.  doctor appointments, nurse appointments, mhc appointments.  i've got a calendaer that i rely heavily upon.  i don't study the thing like, i would hav eto check it to determine if i would be able to keep a certain appointment.  i think i put a tag into december 15th's space.  sorta a reminder.

enough about that.  i'm starting to heed the call of myy soul and get off this computer for 5 minutes.  so enough about that.  i'll just close this out by saying later.

clarifications

seems a page of clarifications is in order here.

1.  let it be known by all that this latest subject matter is just that.  subject matter.  do not confuse this with anything other than that.

2.  let it be known that pete gomez is a friend of mine through linda, his sister.  he has offered to take Diva upon my death.  that in itself is worth a thousand words.

3.  let it be known that i get my pot through another pete.  pete conner.  the two shouldn't ever be in the same sentence.

any questions?  email me.

and thanks to everyone who expressed concern.  it's nice to know there are people out there who give a rats ass.

suicide, part tres

the question this evening is:  Where does the soul go upon death?

and the answer to that would be nobody knows.  at least they aren't 100% sure.

i'd like to think i know that way i can feel comfortable about commiting suicide.  if i couldn't feel comfortable about this, it would be reason enough to not carry it out.  plain and simple.  this is a decision that must be made with the heaviest of minds.

No, this decision has got to be made with all the faculties one has.  it's such a permanent decision, it can not afford to be wrong.  and by wrong, i mean wrong time, wrong situation, wrong picture basically.  if i were to define a picture, i would see one who was in full control of his actions and thoughts.  i might smoke a joint on that night, only to demonstrate that things are fine.  but who knows.

This magnitude of this decisino is beyond anything else on earth.  the permanence of it should indicate a serious thought on what will happen in those final hours.  it'll be the hours before the consumption of the pills and the time for them to act, give it 4 hours, or less.  i can usually go to sleep in about an hour, or less.  and that's without any help.  help such as these pills should make it in about 4 hours.  i'm getting the chills now.

i could stop right there.  and did (there's a commercial on right now, i'm watching ncis, a very good show btw).  but now i should just sign off without defining what my reason for posting tonite was.  i thihk i made my point when i said the chills were happening.  but back to the decision of doing it.  i try to make myself feel, really feel, what it would be like in a certain setting.  4 hours before nodding off for the final time is such a prolific event that to imagine it even, produces a coldness that makes me shiver.

i think i still need to define why.  why commit suicide.  why go through with it once and for all.  and unlike most people, i don't try searching for things that need fixing.  the whole what's wrong attitude is not one i would have.  

noiw that commerical is on again, i forgot what i was talking about.  lemme read that.   oh yeah, why.  i don't think i'll ever define why.  i could give a number of reasons why i shouldn't commit suicide, but i can name more for the advocate side.  if i were to weigh the reasons, i would say the advocate side would win.  almost hands down.  it's a slam dunk.  i spoze i could name some reasons, anad maybe i'll start thinking about it soon.  i have a little over 1 month, 5 weeks or so..  Diva just got up now too, so i have to tend to her.

Why commit suicide?  because it's time.  it's my time.  i'm beginning to believe that more and more as time rolls on.  i was always made to end my life.

 

i have a host of other reasons too, but that was the most important one.  suffice it to say, i'm just tired.  i'm tired of dealing with things the way they currently are.  but i'm tired of it all because i'm in this rut if you will.  it's a rut that i've been in for over a year.  maybe more.  but certainly since i got sick this summer.  remember, my birethday this year was spent on the proctologist's table, out like a light, and god knows what really happened in that room that day.  i don't have any pain arising from that procedure, but i do remember being there.  and it think that's what started this whole suicide thing.  when i started getting better.  comparatively, i feel good.  i still weigh in at 150 or 152.  i think i registgered a 154 at one time.  i haven't weighed myself since last thuirsday for, or did she come on wednesday, ya, wednesday last week.  i weighed in 153 i think.  anyway, i can't gain weight to save my soul.  no pun intended.  putting on weight would give me a reason to live.

i'll explore both sides in the coming days. it'll be interesting to see where it goes.  i cant tell you now because i won't know until i write it down.  funny how that works out.  there's a lot of disvoery going on.  both insidight to my inner self, and vision on what to expect 24 hours from now.  commercial's over.

%2006%

i'm so used to putting the time down, that's my field marker for the timefield.  commercial is on.  so i'm taking a break too.  actually i take a break when the tv is good.  and i'm getting into the mentalist now.  that was central standard time.  anyway, the question tonite is why.

why would anybody want to kill themselves?  i couldn't answer for anybody else, but i could give a good reason why with me.  i want so bad to know what the hell happens at that moment you draw your own last breath.  since i'm going to be sleeping, it'll depend on how fast i can fall asleep.  but i'll expect to fall asleep and never again getting up.  that's kinda hard to swallow come to think about it.  i don't see any problem getting to sleep tho.  i'm not shivering like i was earlier.

i'll close this out by saying the reasons behind committing suicide are plentiful.  and i'll delve into them individually later on.  but suffice it to say (i like saying that), my reasons are logical, and real.  as soon as i do another joint, i'll be able to say more.

questions yet unanswerd

there's a few questions that should be answered before committing suicide.  maybe i'll get them answered before 12/15, and i'm using that date loosely.  i'm just going to continue to add questions as i see them.  i'll post answers to them when they get answered.

1.  What happens the moment you die?

2.  Does it really matter if you live a good life?

3.  Is there a God?

i doubt i'll get them answered.  it's as if there are answers to these questions. then who would have them?  i would have to speak with a ghost before i can say assuredly that they were right.  who wo9uld be able to answer that?

#2's question should be a given.  living a good life should be the goal of all people.  and i mean good as in believing that you've done good things during your time on earth.  weighing the bad things, and there were certainoly some very very bad things, with the good things, and there were even more good things than bad things.  

is there a god.  really.  my idea of god could be summed up in a short phrase.  it's like the question, is there a soul.  can't have one without the other.    i think they're one and the same.  i would never define Him as a soul, but i would define a soul as being God.  or part of God. i think it's the whole human race as a whole is what makes God, a God.  notice i capitalize it.  and Him.  He also would be capitalized. i have respect for my soul.  just exactly what happens once the heart stops beating and i stop breathing, is anybody's guess.  there's no way of knowing without a doubt what happens.  one can weigh in with their thoughts about it, but there are no facts to get excited about.  it's not a fact that i'm going to die with 30 pills in me.  it's not a fact that when i stop breathing that i won't breath again.  i doubt i will, but who knows.  He could stop it if He wants to.  whether He will will depend heavily on how things go bertween now and (i'm going to use a date very loosely here) december 15.  i'll know if He's stopping me from proceding.  and i'll respect the decision as if He were saying it aloud.  but i don't see that happening.  He would have made known His objections, and i've listened carefully to other things He's said.  He doesn't talk to me that often, but when He does it usually means it's serious enough to change what i'm doing.  but i should have died at least once (the coates' house fire in kansas city, mo.  i cant remember the year, i think it was 79?  jan of 1978  google has anumber of articles that came back.

but back to the reason i'm posting.  because i did a joint.  really.  but back to the business of suicide.  i suppose i'll come up with other questions, and hopefully i'll get them answered without a lot of shit.  actually, i'm quite bliss about the whole thing.  i don't have that forward thinking i usually have.  i am treating this event as if it's another show, with an audience.  i can hardly wait to tell you the truth.  i have this urge to do it now and be done with it all.  but there's still things i wanna have.  one of them is knowing who makes president.  who won the election.,  i need to know that.  plus there's this business of going to rochester again.  that's on december 8th, so i figure 15 isn't far beyond that.  and it would give me with the necessary time to put things in order.  there's still things that have got to be done right before i go.  things like money things.  i'll let whoever discovers my body will have theNote to read.  and hopefully i'll have my will printed out for easy viewing.  i doubt i'll be able to use fields of poopy as my vehicle of information to the proper authorities.  there's things i want done upon my death, and those are spelled out in either the will or theNote.  theNote is a time elapsing document.  it updates like fields does.

i'm debating still on whether or not i'll do a joint on the night.  i think i will.   but i could change my mind the night of the event.  it'll not deter me from doing it, i don't think it will.  getting buzzed only enhances my experience, be it posting, or watching television.  i usually have to do something tho.  just sitting around being stoned isn't my idea of fun.  but heh, i'm not saying i couldn't have fun with myself, but i generally don't see my life as being full of fun,.  to tell you the truth, i wish like hell i was better and able to go out and run around as if i was perfectly healthy and capable of being more a social person than i am.  i'm a real loner.  i enjoy my time to myself, even if it is 24 hours a day.  when mercy home care comes on tuesdays and thursdays, they're my only contact with other people.  sad isn't it.  i see linda every so often, and she's really a nice lady.  we go out to dinner usually when we meet up.  and i don't mind paying all the time.  she's always been there for me when i needed to go to the vet.  she was there getting groceries for me.  she's always been there if i ask her.  pete's that way too, i'm sure, although i've never asked pete for anything.  

anyway, i'll post more about my intent to commit suicide.  since it's not a depressing thing for me, i don't mind posting my feelings about it.  and how i think i might take my life.  sorta like a record of what goes on behind closed doors.  i'm just grateful for blogger.com to exist.  a way to live on beyond the date of death. 

suicide, part deux

when people talk about suicide, they usually do so with a tone of depression.  happy people aren't supposed to talk about suicide.  only depressed people can.  this is how it's not supposed to be done.  when suicide is mentioned, it immediately brings a tone of depression, and regret, oftentimes, and that will generally translate into doing depressed things, like taking an overdose of sleeping pills.

i've already come to the conclusion that the only way i can carry this out is by taking the remaining prescription of ambien.  there's about 40 pills left of the 10mg size.  30 of those would result in death, so say Mercy Health Center's healthwatch.  as long as the deed gets done, and with as little pain as possible, i succumb to the permanent factor.

so how isn't important any more.  the when certainly is.  that's a factor that i don't see defining quite yet.  i have a general feeling about it, and i'm seeing a december 15 date.  somewhere around that time anyway.  the when can certainly be fluidic and change accordingly with good reason ...  that would be difficult to define wouldn't it.  i can only say that mid-december will be the ideal time for transition.

which brings up the obvious:  what is it like on the other side?  doesn't that sound like a good enough reason to commit suicide?  i for one believe that there is another level of 'life' out there, and it's only through death can it be seen.  sounds weird doesn't it.  but if you think about it.  the other side of life, is death, and purgatory.  pugatory is that state of death where the body dies and the soul moves on.  what form that is i don't know.  but i believe that when you die, you're automagically taken to a place where only the dead can see the dead.

staying alive until the middle of december is going to prove to be a handful.  i'll need to prepare Diva especially.  that's my cat in case seomeon asks.  She's the only one that could make me think twice about this.  she's getting the feeling that something's up.  she senses that i think.  but now with this new development, pete gomez, from the previous post, was going to take Diva when i die.  pete was very nice to me on the phone when i asked him to be the new guardian for Diva last week.  this last week i should say.  but now that he's in jail, that could change things a bit.  i'll have to wait and see.  but right now, that's not probably something he would be thinking about.  the least on his line of thinking   and i want more than that for her.  get my drift?  so this could actually put the thing on hold untiol this irons out.  i don't know.  but it does put a wrinkle in things.

*pffft*, i'll post again later when i know something.

these were friends of mine

there's a story in today's edition (online) at kimt, the local cbs affiliate.

Mason City, IA- Mason City police received a call for help just before 2:00 Friday morning. There had been a fight at Burke's Bar and Grill on the city's north side. Investigators discovered Bryon Sletten, 42, of Mason City had been assaulted. He's in serious condition at a Rochester hospital as of Friday evening.

Five people have been arrested and are in the Cerro Gordo County Jail. Linda Jo Kloberdanz, 47, Tyler Kloberdanz, 19 and Nicole Kloberdanz, 21 and Pete Gomez, 58, all of Mason City, are facing willful injury charges. Robert Gomez, 49, is facing a charge of interference of official acts

.

these folks are friends of mine, and while i haven't had the chance to find out what really went on, i can safely say that byron must have provoked the incident.

still here, for now

well, i'm still here.  breathing like everybody else.  the thought of suicide is on my mind constantly.  and everytime i look at diva, i have to try and see what  it would feel like, not being able to touch her.  in that very second the feeling of helplessness takes hold, it is almost saddening.  i try to hold back the tears once in a while.  not all the time tho. but lately there's been some.  even now, i got water in my eyes, when there shouldn't be any.  they should be dry from the pot i jus smoked.

but getting back to the topic at hand, suicide.  i figure if i can say it, i should be able to understand what it means.  it means the permanent end to all things i know.  not knowing exactly what will happen is almost frightening, as much as it is tantalizing.  the unknown of it all.  could that be the stimulus one would need to accomplish the task?  just exactly what thoughts go through the mind in the hours before the act.  

i figure if it's meant to be, it'll happen.  plain and simple.  no matter what i think.  there could be a whole bunch of things that will go through my mind in the hours before the act.  i bet i'll find myself lacking only with time.  people have often asked me, what would you do if you knew you werew going to die, what would you do.  and i really never had an answer.  i still don't.  nothing out of the ordinary tho, i can safely say.  i wouldnt go running up bills and that sorta thing.  no.  this has got to be on my terms.  and so far it has been.  i jus wonder when He's going to intervene.  how close do i have to go before He rescues me?

well, enough is enough i say.  enough for now.  hopefully there'll be many more posts in the coming days.  i'm seeing a mid december event.  but that could certainly change.  that would give me one more rochester.  i'll get one more with johnson.  this last visit is going to be one that i don't think i'll forget about for the next week.  it has nothing to do with the fact that he's going off and starting another program with diabetes.  nothing at all.  it'll be interesting to convince him of it tho. and remember, kristie will be with me. i'll have to keep this all in mind.

getting closer - new development

well, i talked to Pete Gomez, the brother of one of my best friends, Linda Kloberdan.  he's taking my baby Diva when the time comes.  that was the only thing keeping me sane and here.  care for her is of the upmost urgency.  she deserves the best.  and i trust pete will give her what she deserves.  she mainly likes to keep to herself.  but when she comes up to you, she usually wants something, like water, or food, or something.  she'sll let you know when you're deficient in that realm.

But the last leg holding me here was just taken away.  I have no more excuses. nolw i weanna live to see if obama gets the election.  i do wanna see that.  but how long after that is the million dollar question.  i dont expect it to be into december much.  i have the appointment 12/08 in rochester, i dont know if i'm gonna make that or not.  i spoze i will butr it'll definitely be my last.

I'm working on theNote.htm (http://www.farpoint.org/theNote.htm).  it's kinda hard keeping them all separate and equal space.  between the diary and here, i get my fill of spilling the beans if you will.  and i dont do it unless i smoke some pot.  i get chatty when i get stoned. buzzed is more like it.  i haven't gotten 'high' in quiote a long time.  and i expect it'll be even longer given the circumstance.

I think i got the list pretty much taken care of all things david.  i think i got everybody.  all i really need to do is look at my checkbook.  and see who got paid and when.  it'd be nice if i could get out of paying my last bill on meddiacom, but i doubt it.  mediacom especially will be on top of it all the way until they get their grubbu listtle hands on their devices.  they make me sick sometimes.  but fuck it.  they've been ripping me off for years.  i've paid top dollar for everysince day 1.  they deserve to give me a break.

I'm still here

what with all the talk about suicide lately.  both in here and in my diaries.  it's still a topic i'm interested in and will talk about over the next few weeks.  this is one topic that is not going to go away.

it's still a subject that's worth a few posts.  i don't know how many posts i'll get out of it, but i'm not going to mince words when it comes to explaining my view on suicide.  i spoze one could almost consider it a final note, but i have something along those lines in theNote.htm.  it's not clickable yet, but it will be once the schedule has been finalized.

the million dollar question is of course, when.  the how and with what are not up for debate.  i think i have a way out that'll accomplish the task at hand, and shouldn't produce any problems during the event.  look how i'm describing the thing.  task at hand.  event.  this is by all accounts is definitely an event.  an event worth talking about.

but i thi9nk right now, i'll have to sign off for the evening.  i'll have more to say tomorrow, or the next day.  like i said already, this issue isn't going away.  i'll delve into the subject matter much more deeply next time.  i promise.

Suicide, part deux

I don't know where i should go on this topic.  It's probably something that gets picked up by every search engine in the world.  I'm sure this blog gets quoted somewhere.  I'll have to do a search.  I've been dormant for a long time.-- a whole year, i just looked.  wow.  that's a long time to be silent.  Especially about a topic such as suicide.  Suicide is so mal-aligned it's sad.  Thjere's no federal statute on it, i don't think.  i'm not going to capitalize.  fuck that.

Suicide. lemme see now.  It's a change.  A severe change, a one-way change.  there's no going back when you talk about succeeding.  it's not like i'll wake up from this nightmare.  i doubt i'll wakwho knows, maybe i will really wake up.  hell death is just another, the second in a triad.  life, death, purgatory.  it's purgatory, as i see that as between real life, and real death.

One doesn't need to be depressed to commit suicide.  many suicides are probably done as part of getting high.  personally, i could care less about whether or not i was high at the time.  it takes a lot for me to get good and high.  i dont consider getting high to write is bad.  i dont contsider getting high to clean is bad either.  getting high for getting high is bad tho.  life is short.  one shouldnt waste any time.

One doesn't need to enlish the help of those around him.  There;s no need to have a family conference and see what everbody thinks should be done differently.  Linda has been the one who calls me the most often.  Thank you Linda, I appreciated every time you called.  Theresa, well, what can i say about "Theresa...  'sides the fact that she owes me, well the estate now, over $1400.  plus whatever that bag of silver is worth, $800?  Whoever gets Diva gets the bulk of whatever comes off the estate.  The reason there's no insurance is because it wouldn't have paid on suicide anyway.  so why throw the money away?

My Last Experience

what can be said about suicide? i'll explore this subject in much greater detail once i figure out how and where it's going. for now tho, contend yourselves with http://www.farpoint.org/theBooQ.htm.  and you can visit another page that'll give you some idea of what my early life was like.  just go HERE.

Long Time a Comin (FIRST POST)

wow, it's been a long time. let me see what's up with that, and i'll get right back to ya. sorta like stargate would have.

on edit: it's been about a year to the day. 12/2 to 12/4. 07-08

Ty, Where Are You?

you missed an appointment to come over to the house and learn what had to be done while i was in new york. but you've gone and made yourself a disappearing act. i know it's halloween and all, but really, you need to get a hold of me if you read this.

getting ready to go to new york city

i'm sitting here with my bags almost packed. i'm going to new york on tuesday and it's a dillema as to what i'm going to take with me. do i take winter clothes or sunmmer wear? the temps aree going to be very fall like which means nice and warm in the day time, and cool and cold at night. and since i'll be in an area that is away from the area that i'll most likely be around all the time i'm there, i'll need to think this one thru with a clear head.

it's been a few years isnce i've been in new york. i think the last time i went was in 2002. but dont quote me on that. the last time i stayed with my ex in brooklyn. this time he's not going to be home while i'm in new york so i'm staying with my ex-roommate, nettie, or as her name in real life, sasha. shit i dont even know here real last name. oh well. i know it, i jus cant think what it is right now.

anyway, i'm gonna try and keep a log of what i do in newyork, with a recap of things i've done in the day. i'm probably going to be out all day sightseeing and what have you. shopping for shit i dont need. wanna see some old friends. it'd be nice if i could see manny when he gets back from the island. i'll hopefully will get to see georgie. and i'll need to buy a new pipe.

Letter of the Day

Let me see if I have this straight. Rep. Steve King doesn't believe a woman should be able to get a legal abortion, but once she has a child, the child shouldn't be allowed to get insurance for adequate health care.

If this is what King considers family values, I am worried about all the families in his district.

- Kila Christensen,
Ellston.

source

wow wee, no wonder baptist women are have their heads on backward

from today's papers:

The LAT fronts a look at how women students at the Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary can earn credit toward their bachelor's degrees by taking classes in homemaking. The seminary is even building a model house to better teach women "how to set tables, sew buttons, and sustain lively dinnertime conversation." More moderate Southern Baptists disagree with the seminary's vision ("we're confusing 1950s culture with the teaching of Scripture," one pastor said), but the students say they're happy with the program. "My created purpose as a woman is to be a helper," a 19-year-old student said. "This is a college education that I can use."

thoughts for the day

as i'm sitting here wondering whether or not i should poush <purchase> button on the cheaptickets site where it lists my airline ticket information to go to new york city. yup, new york city. i haven't been there in a coupla of years so it was time i go, plus, i have a few bucks to burn and what better place to burn it than new york city.

i'll be staying with my good friend, and ex-roommate, nettie, who lives on 111th street which is a great place she has now. we used to live together back in the days when i lived a block away from the world trade center, in downtown new york, financial district. lived right across the street from the new york stock exchange. boy, those were the days, and i think i'll be doing a lot of walking down memory lane with nettie.

but i haven't quite yet pushed the <purchase> link, as i'm waiting to see/hear from manny parrish who is also an ex-rommmate. we lived at 400 west 14th street back in the 80's. boy now THOSE were the days. we don't do a whole of ot walking down memory lane as he's always got new things to concentrate on.

anyway, enough for now. that's a lot to digest.

corrupt justice system?

taken from today's papers:

Everyone says the move by the Iraqi government reflects the wider frustration felt toward contractors in general, who are seen as mercenaries who have little respect for civilian life. Although the Iraqi government has vowed to prosecute Blackwater, a 2004 order gave contractors immunity from local law. The LAT quotes some private security contractors who say it's unlikely the Iraqi government will actually expel Blackwater. The paper also talks to contracting guru Peter Singer, who describes it as a complicated situation for American officials since cooperating would mean turning over U.S. citizens to a corrupt justice system while refusing to do so could undermine the Iraqi government.

corrupt justice system? wasn't it that corrupt justice system celebrated when they executed saddam hussein? this is pathetic because Americans, actually people who are representing America, are being looked at with the intent of charging them with offenses they most likely are guilty of.

8 to 10 months?

from fox news:

Consequently, according to a well-placed Bush administration source, "everyone in town" is now participating in a broad discussion about the costs and benefits of military action against Iran, with the likely timeframe for any such course of action being over the next eight to 10 months, after the presidential primaries have probably been decided, but well before the November 2008 elections.

get a load of this quote:

"the cost of the war in Iraq now exceeds $3 billion a week."
from the Washington Post

litening to...

there's a new breeze in the air

and it's blowing across the front pages of today's papers. take a look.

figures, he's a bush appointee

The Post piles the bad news on with an A1 hollowing-out of "a pillar of the U.S. strategy in Iraq" —the effort to get U.S. businesses to buy Iraqi products. The problem seems to be that there are almost no Iraqi products to buy. Nevertheless, the U.S. official overseeing the plan is optimistic. He is also under investigation, the Post reports, by the Pentagon's inspector general for "erratic behavior, public drunkenness, mismanagement, waste of funds and sexual harassment."
--slate's totday's papers

jim crow is alive and well in the U.S. military

Here at this searing, dusty U.S. military base about four miles west of Baqouba, Iraqis — including interpreters who walk the same foot patrols and sleep in the same tents as U.S. troops — must use segregated bathrooms.

http://www.mcclatchydc.com/iraq/story/18685.html

maybe bloomberg knows something

from slate's today's papers:

More than three-quarters would strongly consider voting for a independent candidate.

today's MUST READ

Under Dick Cheney, the office of the vice president has been transformed from a tiny acorn into an unprecedented giant oak. In grasping and exercising presidential powers, Cheney has dulled political accountability and concocted theories for evading the law and Constitution that would have embarrassed King George III. The most recent invention we know of is the vice president's insistence that an executive order governing the handling of classified information in the executive branch does not reach his office because he also serves as president of the Senate. In other words, the vice president is a unique legislative-executive creature standing above and beyond the Constitution. The House judiciary committee should commence an impeachment inquiry. As Alexander Hamilton advised in the Federalist Papers, an impeachable offense is a political crime against the nation. Cheney's multiple crimes against the Constitution clearly qualify.