1. What happens the moment you die?
2. Does it really matter if you live a good life?
3. Is there a God?
i doubt i'll get them answered. it's as if there are answers to these questions. then who would have them? i would have to speak with a ghost before i can say assuredly that they were right. who wo9uld be able to answer that?
#2's question should be a given. living a good life should be the goal of all people. and i mean good as in believing that you've done good things during your time on earth. weighing the bad things, and there were certainoly some very very bad things, with the good things, and there were even more good things than bad things.
is there a god. really. my idea of god could be summed up in a short phrase. it's like the question, is there a soul. can't have one without the other. i think they're one and the same. i would never define Him as a soul, but i would define a soul as being God. or part of God. i think it's the whole human race as a whole is what makes God, a God. notice i capitalize it. and Him. He also would be capitalized. i have respect for my soul. just exactly what happens once the heart stops beating and i stop breathing, is anybody's guess. there's no way of knowing without a doubt what happens. one can weigh in with their thoughts about it, but there are no facts to get excited about. it's not a fact that i'm going to die with 30 pills in me. it's not a fact that when i stop breathing that i won't breath again. i doubt i will, but who knows. He could stop it if He wants to. whether He will will depend heavily on how things go bertween now and (i'm going to use a date very loosely here) december 15. i'll know if He's stopping me from proceding. and i'll respect the decision as if He were saying it aloud. but i don't see that happening. He would have made known His objections, and i've listened carefully to other things He's said. He doesn't talk to me that often, but when He does it usually means it's serious enough to change what i'm doing. but i should have died at least once (the coates' house fire in kansas city, mo. i cant remember the year, i think it was 79? jan of 1978 google has anumber of articles that came back.
but back to the reason i'm posting. because i did a joint. really. but back to the business of suicide. i suppose i'll come up with other questions, and hopefully i'll get them answered without a lot of shit. actually, i'm quite bliss about the whole thing. i don't have that forward thinking i usually have. i am treating this event as if it's another show, with an audience. i can hardly wait to tell you the truth. i have this urge to do it now and be done with it all. but there's still things i wanna have. one of them is knowing who makes president. who won the election., i need to know that. plus there's this business of going to rochester again. that's on december 8th, so i figure 15 isn't far beyond that. and it would give me with the necessary time to put things in order. there's still things that have got to be done right before i go. things like money things. i'll let whoever discovers my body will have theNote to read. and hopefully i'll have my will printed out for easy viewing. i doubt i'll be able to use fields of poopy as my vehicle of information to the proper authorities. there's things i want done upon my death, and those are spelled out in either the will or theNote. theNote is a time elapsing document. it updates like fields does.
i'm debating still on whether or not i'll do a joint on the night. i think i will. but i could change my mind the night of the event. it'll not deter me from doing it, i don't think it will. getting buzzed only enhances my experience, be it posting, or watching television. i usually have to do something tho. just sitting around being stoned isn't my idea of fun. but heh, i'm not saying i couldn't have fun with myself, but i generally don't see my life as being full of fun,. to tell you the truth, i wish like hell i was better and able to go out and run around as if i was perfectly healthy and capable of being more a social person than i am. i'm a real loner. i enjoy my time to myself, even if it is 24 hours a day. when mercy home care comes on tuesdays and thursdays, they're my only contact with other people. sad isn't it. i see linda every so often, and she's really a nice lady. we go out to dinner usually when we meet up. and i don't mind paying all the time. she's always been there for me when i needed to go to the vet. she was there getting groceries for me. she's always been there if i ask her. pete's that way too, i'm sure, although i've never asked pete for anything.
anyway, i'll post more about my intent to commit suicide. since it's not a depressing thing for me, i don't mind posting my feelings about it. and how i think i might take my life. sorta like a record of what goes on behind closed doors. i'm just grateful for blogger.com to exist. a way to live on beyond the date of death.
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