still here, for now

well, i'm still here.  breathing like everybody else.  the thought of suicide is on my mind constantly.  and everytime i look at diva, i have to try and see what  it would feel like, not being able to touch her.  in that very second the feeling of helplessness takes hold, it is almost saddening.  i try to hold back the tears once in a while.  not all the time tho. but lately there's been some.  even now, i got water in my eyes, when there shouldn't be any.  they should be dry from the pot i jus smoked.

but getting back to the topic at hand, suicide.  i figure if i can say it, i should be able to understand what it means.  it means the permanent end to all things i know.  not knowing exactly what will happen is almost frightening, as much as it is tantalizing.  the unknown of it all.  could that be the stimulus one would need to accomplish the task?  just exactly what thoughts go through the mind in the hours before the act.  

i figure if it's meant to be, it'll happen.  plain and simple.  no matter what i think.  there could be a whole bunch of things that will go through my mind in the hours before the act.  i bet i'll find myself lacking only with time.  people have often asked me, what would you do if you knew you werew going to die, what would you do.  and i really never had an answer.  i still don't.  nothing out of the ordinary tho, i can safely say.  i wouldnt go running up bills and that sorta thing.  no.  this has got to be on my terms.  and so far it has been.  i jus wonder when He's going to intervene.  how close do i have to go before He rescues me?

well, enough is enough i say.  enough for now.  hopefully there'll be many more posts in the coming days.  i'm seeing a mid december event.  but that could certainly change.  that would give me one more rochester.  i'll get one more with johnson.  this last visit is going to be one that i don't think i'll forget about for the next week.  it has nothing to do with the fact that he's going off and starting another program with diabetes.  nothing at all.  it'll be interesting to convince him of it tho. and remember, kristie will be with me. i'll have to keep this all in mind.