there's rational, and then there's rational

if i were to make my intentions known, i'll bet the first question i get would be 'why?" and it's a perfectly legal question, especially now.  why.  why would i wanna lose all that i have.  why would i wanna be away from diva.  why would i want to leave my wonderful, perfect-for-me house.  and notice they're not questions.  it's probably because i wouldn't be able to supply qualified answers.  sure i'm going to miss a lot of things.  but that's the whole point.

and that point is there would never be, by simple virtue of the question, any qualified answers to why not.  same could be said about the question why.  when why not and why have the same 'sound', then it's one to be worth more than your normal answer.  listening for those messages is what the Q is really all about.

aaahhhh, the Q.  boy i could write one whole article about the Q.  and this would have been before STNG came out with their Q.  not unsurprisingly similar. the Q is still a force of many.  i am but just one of the Q.  think of it as a new race.  although not always so telling, one can usually tell when many get together for the first time.  the Q will occupy the whole room if given substance.  but there's much i could tell you about Q.  think of it this way, you'll come to understand the Q better as time marches on.  that's the one gift i can give people.  the opportunity to be aware of the Q.

now that i got that out of the way, the next step is just about ready to begin.  that would be....  stay tuned.

can ya taste it yet?

i'm sitting this close to doin the deed, i'm nervous writing this.  i've been awake all day and watching stargate. waiting for my friend to call me back.  i've been up since about 7 this morning.  couldn't go back to sleep so i stood up.  so half of my day is over with.  in fact, i'm in my eighth hour.  did a load of laundry last nite.  so i got clean clothes.  no need for clean clothes as i'm not expecting to go anywhere any time soon.  i need to get to the store on tuesday, but that's about all i got going.  and it's chanukah.  not that i celebrate chanukah at all, but my friends do, so i ride their coattails.  same with christmas.

but getting back to the subject du jour.  suicide.  notice how it rolls off the keyboard.   yes, suicide.  touchy subject as i've found out the hard way.  but some people just can't deal with anything suicidal, unless they're controlling the situation.  although, i must give this student intern out at the mhc, and assistant to the residing psych doc.  lasisse.  nice guy too.  his student was a bit more apt at figuring out what it really is.  or he wuznt injecting himself into the situation.  and i think he got wind of the truth.  but he'll cover his ass with my declaration that he is in no way at fault for my actions.  and here i don't even know the boy's name, he told it to me ..twice i think.  oh well, i'm never good at names.

point being, he was respectful of my way of thinking.  and i liked that.  i wish we could have met earlier.  'sides, he is kinda Qute.

t minus ... part deux

this is a continuation of this afternoon's rant.  but mainly it was designed from the onset that this documents that i was present and accounted for.  after speaking with some folks, i definitely came away thinking i'll be missing another component of life.  that was being around other people.  since i'm mainly a '"loner". my relationship skills are a bit off.  i'll still miss some people tho.  and it's sad that that is happening, but not a deal breaker.

i think the closer t time is, the more anxious i get, yet i'm quite calm.  i would have figured me to be in a hypertensive mode, trying to accomplish a lifetime's array of workskills.  there's no sense of time.  probably because time 'there' is different than 'time' here.  i too am taking the added extra time to reflect on what exactly i'll be missing.  i keep having these senseabilities to settle. i figure we're using about half of my alotment. imagine that, a wallet full of favors.

there's also this urge to tell the tale of Q.  before the beginning, the begining, the now and tomorrow, and then the end.  consolation.  there's more reward than that isn't there?  there should be great rewards for those things where the achievement was not easy.  i'll betcha there's a bean counter on life.  and i wonder how many people would argue with him.  or her.  i'm not sexist here.  i should tell the tale of Q tho.  and i'm starting him back in 1970.  pre-chicago days.  that's when i first was sent away from home.  for being a bad boy.  i joy-rode my parents' 1958 buick super.  i remember driving that car.  remember it well actually.  nothing major in my life occured during that time, other than first timers.  i lost my virginity in more ways than one during my stay at durand boys farm school.  that's when the Q first made himself known to me.  and boy have i had the time of my life ever since.  well in the last decade maybe not.  you can tell me.  take a gander.   that's just my time in this house.

but i know i'm close, so close i can smell it.  sweet smell of death.  i wonder death really is sweet, or am i jus satisfying some sweet tooth urge i have.  i always thought death stunk.  probably from people's released waste.  i would expect the clothes to be dirty.  but other than that, i see very little in way of having to 'prop' me up in any way.  i'll go to bed normal.  i jus hope i can get to sleep as easy.  that'll be the true telling of how good of a life i've led.  now wouldn't it.  worried about what will happen because i led an evil life, jus won't happen on my watch.  now whether i'm disqualified from the finals in other ways... i wouldn't put it past the ol' son of a bitch to use some simple misuderstandings to ruse a case against my enrollment at the heavenly school for delinquent boys.

so, it's as close as close gets.  i'm sure there will be more insights into my thinking during this most crucial time of my life.  there's a lot of shit that's getting packed away so they'll be alive for generations to come.  i'm archiving the irc logs of #interport and #mindvox.  then there's my diaries that go back to 2000.  and i've got 86-06, the latter years after 2000 aren't repeats of organizer files that start around that time.  these are two sets of files kept, but it should be a good checker of facts.

but it's all coming to an end.  hopefully with a smile on my face.  i think i've got a pretty decent plan, even tho it got off to a rocky start.  oh well.  mercy home care could have taken the opportunity that was presented before them, and use that to garner more information on what makes a man tick during a time like that.  in the prelude to death.  how many other preludes are out there - probably a lot so i should jus let it drop.  we'll conclude this prelude with a proverb.  lo are the seekers of life.  for they are the ones who best live it.

but i've had a wonderful life.  a very full life, one that couldn't be repeated if one tried with a million dollars.  i certainly wouldn't trade it away, regardless of where i'd be if i were to buy into that bologna.  i think that's how it's spelled.  nope, i wouldn't trade it for a million dollars. i jus wish there were things like diaries back in 1970 when i went to durand boys farm schhol  i learned a lot about life at that school.  being transferred to eldora boys training school was a step down in the scale of things.  they couldn't keep a faggot at the boys farm school, so it was determined that i be kept in iowa's training school for delinquent boys.  these were criminals to delinquent youth in eldora.  but they finally transferred me to the mental health institute because being gay was a sickness back then.  so i spent like 8 months in the institute and they didn't know what to do with me, couldn't send me back home into that situation again, so they kept me back in eldora till i turned 17.  at age 17.5 i was released to go to marshalltown community college.  did well on the ged.

but i don't wanna go into my life on this forum.  i'll save that for hitchhiker.  keep hitchhiker alive.

t minus ...

as close as close gets.  that's about what i can summarize up this week with.  i'm this far from getting the pills out.  the urge to do the deed is getting stronger.  not weaker.  like this is indeed the right thing to do.  i'm too comfortable to be worried about.  i'm about ready to pick out the music.  i think i'll jus play dance with xbox 360.  let that be the video.  hopefully it'll play the tunes i've got in for dance.  i could make up a new songlist.  but it'll all be the same thing.  i dont know if this will rerun and repeat over and over?  or what it'll do.

but i'm treating people as if i'm not going to be around to be with them again.  i'm not saying anything about it, but the way i feel is the way one would feel on his last facetime session, one of fun and carefree.  i'm not treating money matters any differently however.  i'm not out on a big charge binge.  and i could very well tie one on just one last time.  no.  i dont wanna do that.  i'd rather just let it lay the way it's meant to lay.  the way it lays now is fine and dandy with me.  not to say anything to anybody.

i would probably be getting earfuls of how important i am to them and society as a whole.  spare me the part about how much god loves me.  my feelings on god are published and well known.  i believe god is the sum of all our human souls.  i would like to see a society not depend on money the way it does.  but heh, i was born into it, i'll die out of it.  but all the remarks i hear and others talking plainly in sight, i get the feeling that if i were to believe them, and do what they say, i would be ditching the pills and breaking the syringes.  but why.  i've had those syringes for months now and they're for this testosterone the pharmacy sent over.  i jus dont have the where withall in giving myself an injection of it.  i think that's how you spell it.  i'm right.    i'd like to hear the areas i need to be concerned about.

well, my cat is pawing at me for some attention.  Diva needs something and so i'll get her situated and think a little bit more before i continue posting.

j'm getting the feeling that you all think i should be dead by now. cant i draw this out to a week?  i'm not going to wig out and rush anything.  so you'll jus have to be patient, like everyone else.  it's coming.  that i'm not only comfortable but active in this orgnization.  we're not schmidt blood, and i believe he cared for me as if it was labeld SCHMIDT. it took me several years and lots of guts to get into circles that were so tight, it ws amazing anything ever got done, but that was far away from the case here.

i guess i'm still here because there is something that has yet been unfulfilled.  God only knows what that would entail.  maybe it has something to do with this blog.  maybe it has to be done @ home in the cold.  or maybe it has something to do with the outdoors.  i'm shoveled, so it can't be that.  hm, i'm about out of ideas.  i will know it when it happens.  that's something cool about me, i can usually tell when i'm being spoken to.  

i think i'm close to eventtime.  there's that aspect of my feelings that won't go away.  they'll sometimes be 'outbid' for my time and interest, but think of what this would do for the governments of each country that adopted deat  ih with dignity act.  i should read their version of the whole movement.  what's known by me is probably very little.  and i'm somewhat reluctant to read about other theories about death and heaven and what have you.  i dont really know why i'm so reluctant about it.  i wish it wuznt.  i'm thrilled at the prospect of 'knowing' the truth about death.  there's a secret that's so secreative that no one wants to talk about.  

and that's what i've been trying to do.  provoke discussion.  i wish you people would use the comments on these posts.  i would like to get a concensus on what you folks think about when the subject is death and dying.  i'm sure they run the gamut.  from fire in the sky strict christian against the most radical islamic.  

anyway, i thought i'd post something so people won't think the deed was done and they were never told.  relax folks, i've got a coupla days at least ahead of me.  but keep in touch because it could happen anytime.

you've probably had some ideas that i did myself in.  it's been a day or two since i've posted.   ok, i checked.  1 day.  oh well. it feels like two days.  not that so much has happened, but it seems to be a long time away.  anyway, what topic should we discuss tonite.  prelude?  i think i could do a prelude piece.  i wonder to start from what time and last until what time.  those are questinos. 

i know ...  i'll start here at 23:25 central standard time. i think we're -5 from meridian.  i think it's meridian.  the place where the line between two days is, and you can literally change days by going over that line.  i wonder if it's marked off very well.  

but what subject do we feel like and what are good subjects?  prelude?  interlude, doing the deed?  i don't think i can do doing the deed tonite.  i could probably do prelude.  t- something. heh, i should define what that number is.  but prelude is the subject matter for tonite.  definition.  use.  result.

prelude.  what does the dictionary say about prelude?

1: an introductory performance, action, or event preceding and preparing for the principal or a more important matter
2 a: a musical section or movement introducing the theme or chief subject (as of a fugue or suite) or serving as an introduction to an opera or oratorio b: an opening voluntary c: a separate concert piece usually for piano or orchestra and based entirely on a short motif

well, take what yuu can from ol' man dictionary

so, prelude. it's not music. no opera. (i use chrome by google)

prelude. doublechecking what is supposed to be seen upon discovery. the pills, all my money, tinbox & cash, what's on the computers. i need certain windows open with certain files open. set the strage for discovery. what should i print and have on the keyboard/desk. i want the latest will. leaving everything to one person is so much easier. it's not much, but what there is should be divvied up according to need.

i should print out the will. theNote should also be printed. i think i've got the latest issues on line with that, but don't quote me on it. i hate printing because i have to start the mac up and that takes about a minute. i should time the thing and see which will boot faster. i chould go off line with this one

the other side

when i woke up this morning at 3am and couldn't go back to sleep, i got up to pee.  then sat down at the computer looking up the winner of survivor.  it was in my head, but i couldn't think of the winner's name.  it's bob btw.  but then i got on irc and talked with lister, my friend from the UK.  see, irc is global.  more people should see it as it truly is.  a chat room.

anyway, i got to thinking about suicide.  and it dawned on me that early morning is the time to do it.  i don't know why that came across my head, but this is the best time to take the pills.  i would have to wakt up again at this hour to do it.  i say the pills will 'act' and do me in in 45 minutes.  or an hour. i cant remmeber how long ambien took when i took it for sleeping years back.

this time of day is like a pregnant woman just asbout to give birth.  sunrise is always been the 'cleanest' time of day for me.  i wonder who will be born on the day it happens.  i'm gamblin that it'sa boy.  it would be interesting to experience.  giving birth must be miraculous.  to die on the same day must too be miraculous life ending and life beginjing.  if ya think about all the souls that are dying today, each one of them has got a story to tell.  but only one gets heard.  our time here on earth ends, but a new beginning is about to start, for both of us.  

for the borne person, if it could talk, what would you think it would say when getting out of the womb and breathing our air for the very first time.  the person doing the dying would also experience such changeling.  i believe both events are equally wonderful experiences.  our time  here on this planet is limited by the air we breathe.  oh, and other such afflictions and diseases.  each one has a story to tell.  but only one gets heard most of the time.  if babies could only talk.

what would it say?  hm, that's a good question.  it would say that there's another life 'out there' somewhere.  i don't think we're limited to earth either.  i think the 'other side' is one and the same before we're borne, and after we die.  it's the same place.  could we be on the other side planning such thigs as our deaths?  hm, it's a thought.  we could be controlling our earthly selves on some scrabble board.  building points by landing on certain squares.  adventure for the human is for both of you to enjoy.  it's the 'other' world i'm about to step into.  and i'm going to do it with my head held high because i think i had a very good life.  i experienced just about all of the things i ever wanted to experience.  i'm hoping that my writing will live on for years after my death.  once everything on the website works.  oops.  did i jus give away the time for it to go down? 

well, lets get back to the other side for a moment.  i believe that there's another side.  see that an other side.  i'm hoping i can pass the inspection i'll have to take on the way over.  that  could take some time now couldn't it.  with my level of experience i could safely say that there is an other side to this earth.  a parallel universe that is in another dimension?  

there's all kinds of questions, and answers, and questions with NO answer.  we'll jus see which ones do and hoefully it'll pass inspection.  there are only two sides to this life/death thing.  the other side and this side parallel each other almost identically.  except on this side, all memories are erased from the brain and one gets borne as a baby.  if the baby could only talk.

i'll bet we adults could learn a thing or two from babies.  maybe they are talking to us but jus not in words.  maybe they don't have 'words' on the other side.  the baby would talk about his/her experience before being borne. oh the things it could tell us.  i think i know what it would say.  i'll bet it would speak of another side to this life.  is there suicide on the other side?  interesting question.

the thought of the 'other side' is strong sometimes.  it's stronger when i think about it.  that's for prayer time.  the other side is a mystery to us here on earth because we learn and live for only a short period of time.  our lives here on earth are but a blink of an eye.  our lives here on earth are measured and calculated on the other side.  there's some competition on the other side.  but we're not borne into a life like this on the other side.  depending on the age of the soul, one could say the soul is timeless, but it's not.  souls have a period of time to exist.  they are 'borne' somewhere and goes  through 'life' building good credit along the way.  because in the final d raw, all these things are going to get added up and you're going to account for the ones that need help . i think the 'judge' will look upon my life as one that was lived by a brave soul.

i believe that our souls are the true lives we live.  there is no pain and suffering on the other side, not like there is here on earth.  it almost calls out to ya sometimes.  but the changeover happens on a schedule, and suicide upsets the scheule of things.  the price you pay for upsetting things, depends on what sorta things you upset.  i'll know when it's time.  there's something that tells me when it's time.  maybe suicide is the way it's spoze to happen.  ever thought of that?  maybe it's supPOSed to happen?

i could answer the first one with ease.  yes i've thought about it a lot.  even since poopy started.  i've thought about the other side more since poopy started, that's for sure.  but even now, as i type away my life story here on the internet.  i'm trying to be a testator of the things i learned here on earth.  i think my cup is full.  that it's time has come upon us.  i'll know it when it v happens.  whether i act upon that, will be the million dollar question. 

suffice it to say, i've done a lot of thinking about things, both on this side, and the other side. i'm comfortable with how i view the way things are on both sides.  i think to have that insight on both sides is worth discovering.  i just hope the other side is a lot easier than this side.  will i return to earth in the future?  that's a question i tried to answer with edgar casey's tales.  i think he believed in reincarnation, if memory serves me right.  i believe that the other side is a lot easier to 'live' than the earthly lives we build., 

i also believe that cats are a way of transcending. and there were 5 kittens, no more than a few days old, that appeared on my porch a few weeks ago.  all that's left is one black kitten, who still lives downstairs in the basement.  my cat, diva, would never let me have another cat in the house.  so it's life is to live in the basement of my house.  and it's warm down there because of the furnace.  so they're not freezing in this -3 degree weather we're having.  (windchills of -11 to -22 last nite were common)  but i believe there's some religion that believes in the superstition of cats being around when death is in the air.  no?

google's editor is playing tricks on me.  so i am going to close with this.  the time is near, the exact time is close at hand.  and i hope i can write about things until that time.  and even during that time, if i'm lucky.  i plan to post right up until i can't type any more.  my friends on #mindvox will be the last ones to know me.  i've gotten some calls from those on the channel.  real nice folks they are.  voidmstr and gigi especially are close to my heart.  i'll miss them both.

but it's time i close out this post.  it's 7 am now.  i've been at this since about 430.  time to take a break.  it'd be nice if someone left a comment.  i would value that more than money.  think about it.

the afterlife, part II

wow, i just read yesterday's post.  see, i don't 'proof' these things.  proofing is for girls.  i don't like being edited either.  but i know it's necessary at times.  i did want to tslk about the afterlife..  so i'm continuing with some disscussion on the afterlife.

i think there's another life that we're all a part of.    our souls transcend from the body at death. death is the gateway in the transition onto a wonderful place.  is that place earth?  or another planet?  whereever it is, i believe it's as real as reality is.  humans are transformed apes, no?   but getting back to the topic, afterlife.  it's real.  i think we can all agree on that one.  it's wonderful.  i think most would agree on that one.  what else.  i can't think of anything i missed.

right at death i believe, you cease to exist in the physical worlld.  it'd be nice if they treated the body with some dignity.  but for that split second, there was a transition of the soul, where does it go?  it must eat something. 

the afterlife

well, the afterlife.  what a broad subject that could be.  is there life, er "life" after death?  or is death  only the dicontinuation of life?  that you cease to exist by any means.  is there really a heaven out there?  a hell?  and can God only be an alien?  these are the type of questions i really would apppreciate your answer to.  or do you believe that we have souls.  and that our soul will live on?  i would need something of physical proof of anything after death. and i'm afraid it's impossible.

i believe that we have souls.  that all of our souls are linked together by a force.  a force that is so powerful, it can move planets off their orbit.    i figure we outta consider what the afterlife is all about if for no other reason than to  satisfy that need 

more later, gotta run out the door.  i'll post more this afternoon.

the gestapo lives

so a couple of days ago, i get a knock on the door.  out there in the cold were a sherriff's deputy clutching a few papers, and a lady from mercy home care.  some supervisor or something.  anyway, i let them take me to 5 east, which is the psych ward and it's secured.  so in essence you're an inmate.

i was able to explain to the judge in a hearing the next day, that i was only writing as the character of a story i'm doing and to provoke discussion on suicide.  it was the only way i'd get out of lockup.

this an affront to free speech.  it's not like yelling fire in a theatre.  this is more like i want to talk about suicide, and i'll write as someone who's suicidal.  i basically want a record of what happens in my life.  posting rants does that for me.  i wish it didn't have to be this way, but i'm feeling pretty bruised.  mercy has also dropped my services.  didn't want possible exposure from any lawsuit after my death.  really.   first they're so concerned about my well being, and then turn around and drop all of my services (i've been with them for 8 years).

SHAME ON YOU margo neal and connie morrison.  shame on you.  you could have said we're discontinuing service with you AS SOON AS WE FIND SOMEONE ELSE.  which takes all of 5 minutes on the phone.  boy i tell ya, as soon as i heard this, i was telling my friend @ mercy -where i was from tuesday afternoon to friday morning = they thought i was suicidal before, now i'm REALLY suicidal.  gah.

frankly, i'd love to write whatever i wanna write.  but i also wanna be free and in my own house.  so is poopy worth it?  i wanna say yes.   but i think i'll wait for comments (email) to see what the census is on this   so if you wanna write me with your concerns that's fine.  i'll continue to read your mail.   but i don't know how i'm going to proceed with the posting.  i hope to come to a decision on that issue later tonite.  hopefully.

in the meantime, check out some stuff on the internet.

• Age: 1989
• Gender: Male
• Astrological Sign: Cancer
• Zodiac Year: Rat
• Industry: Non-Profit
• Occupation: Director
• Location: Manly IA : Midwest : United States
• Audio Clip

this is my profile?  heh, how do ya like my zodiac year.  rat.  hm, not even close.  oh well.  somethings we can change, and there's things we can't.  my zodiac year is like your birthday.  once a year, every year, what kind of things only happen once a year ('sides your birthday)? anniversary of something.  i have a lot of those.  something i celebrate every year for.  i used dto have twice as many before i came back to iowa.  in a small town you take what is givin ya.  heh.

oh well.  enough.  i jus wanted to make a comment.

p.s. it's my 50th post on the subject.

i'm trying to feel what it feels like as if i just took the pills.  what's that going to feel like right afterwards?  try as i might, i cant seem to get it right. am i going to feel like i would be having second thoughts on the whole thing.  like what happens when that happens?  i wonder how much longer i can stay awake.  or to call mercy 911 and get them to give you a shot of something, but it's something to ward off the effects of the ambien.  i can't remember what it's called.  but when i read about it, it was like a weight lifted off of my shoulders.

5 min into it, i would probably want to sit down and collect myself.  then realize what you have done is irreversible.  drug or no drug.  it's still in my system, so until it's not, i'll be talkative.  like i think i would have about an hour before the sleepingness took over.  my last hour on earth.  what would be the first thing you'd do?

15 min into it, i think i'd be wondering if my friends were really my friends.  the people i have come to know in this lifetime are as varied in every conceivable way.  but my friends are few and far between.  i've got a lot of acquaintances.  i think you can tell a lot about someone by just looking at who they surround themselves with.  the circle of friends, the circleS, of friends is the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.  i might have 5 people i can call a friend.  and these are people who wouldn't think twice about helping you.  i sure got a lot of the type A personalities.

60 min into it.  and i'm realizing i'm going to be going on a one way trip.  i'll not wake up from this nap.  and i get the bed ready.  then the house ready.  get things up on the laptops making sure there's a trail that any fool would follow.  hopefully they'll follow mine.  theNote is going to be a part of that trail.  and damn it if i don't have anything more to add to theNote. 

and finally, this blog.  it's been real folks.  hope you understand it.  i hope i've raised the bar in discussing suicide in this country.  the right to die folks might wanna step up.  this blog has always been about urging discussion.  of the many MANY topics that make up suicidal folks.  and not all of them are sad.  i'm not sad.  i don't have anything that's broken.  so there's nothing that needs fixing.  'sides, this blog reaches out to those i'd never heard about, or read about  anywhere.  i've looked and looked for suicidal boards and things that a suicidal person would normally look for.  i wish i had the expertise to run a bulletin board.  maybe there is one after all.  tell me about it.

and finally, really this time is it.  i'll continue to post as the time draws near.  i'm about as ready as it can get. ciao.

well, i had another visit by the good ol' folks over at mercy.  this one was a social worker.  she also had a belief in the right to die.  actually i don't know where she stood.  she was kinda all over the board on this one.  i almost felt at one point that i could open up and not lie to her.  but she made the comment that she would follow the same policy.  first, i would like to see this policy. it should be written down somewhere.  i wanna see it.

i wish i could be truthful and upfront with my friends and neighbors, and other figures in my life.  including the personnel from mercy who i deal with on a weekly schedule.  i wish i could ask my health care provider, my nurse, or my doctor, what are the mechanics on taking 400 mg of ambien, and what exactly happens to bodies discovered in a normal course of business.  what else did i have questions about.  oh yeah, i wanted to know what happens to the body right at death, and shortly thereafter.  how fast does rigor set in? do i really mess my pants?  i'll have to have a towel under my hips.  that'll work. 

it really hurts that i'm not able to talk to my doctor/nurse about death and dying.  and i don't know what to do about it.  if anything.  talking to anybody on #mindvox or #interport would only invite questions that i'm not yet prepared to answer.  i'm hoping to be on #mindvox with my last words.  and hopefully have a schedule on the laptop that'll keep me in check to do this properly. i wish i had video, but alas, it would require someone else to be in the house here, and i don't know of anybody that would allow me to do this in front of them.  people get weird when it comes to death and dying.  finding someone who's got the same outlook on death and dying that i have. it would be a godsend if ya ask me.

anyway, i'm still around tho.  getting kinda antsy of the waiting game.  it'll happen when it's supposed to happen.  exerting this much control in this state of mind could be dangerous.  flirting with the bad elements of death and dying.    

david

The boy's name David \d(a)-vid\ is pronounced DAY-vid. It is of Hebrew origin, and its meaning is "beloved".Biblical: one of the most remarkable personalities in the Scriptures. David was a shepherd, musician, poet, soldier, statesman, prophet, and king. He wroteabout half of the Psalms and very likely composed music for them as well. He is the only David mentioned in the Bible; his name occurs there more than a thousand times. Today there are variants of the name in almost every language group. Saint David (sixth century) is the patron saint of Wales. In Scotland, David was a royal name. See also Dawson and Davion. Explorer David Livingstone;actors David Niven, David Arquette, David Duchovny, David Schwimmer; baseball celebrity Dave Winfield; TV host David Letterman; musician David Bowie; soccerplayer David Beckham

Source

my first name is david.  the diaries are the David Diarieis(tm).  beloved.  that was what mahbub, another name i took (it's even tatoo'd on my forearm in arabic) meant.  beloved.   remarkable personality.  i suppose i could say i was beloved.  i was always someone's friend.  manny and i had the same relationship. weird it was.  but it worked for the time it worked.  beloved all throughout.

just thought i'd post that.

getting down there

i could do this in 48 hours if i wanted to.  that would be just about enough time to get things set so when they discover the body they'll have something to do while they wait for the authorities.  i'm going to assume she'll call the police.  and the ambulance will come and take my body to mercy.  i'm hoping linda will have enough sense to get the money and the pills and the pot out of the house before the authorities come.

i'll leave my will out on my desk and the list from theNote.  theNote became too much of a pundit on a soapbox.  so i dont think i'll print it out.  they can look at it online.  which is another problem.  i'm having difficulty getting to w.farpoint/, where i can make it to w.krak/hilda/50401/.  i am hoping that whoever gets the discovery will do it right and abide by my wishes.  i may not hang around to see for myself.  i might not get to do anything.  except cease to exist.  like just totally non-existant.  no soul.  no spirit.  no life essence.  nothing.  zip, nada.  zilch.  that would be scarier than getting tossed into purgatory.  or hell.  imagine what hell would be like. 

but i'm getting down to the wire.  i'm in a debate as to who i want to make the discovery.  right now i've got a nurse.  but i could switch it to my friend.  at least with this friend i'll get my wishes done.  like clean up the house so there's no money and that there's only prescription drugs layin around. no need to have a nurse there.  i'm sure they'll know a dead body when they see one.  i often considered what i would do should i stumble upon a dead body.  it has never happened.  in fact, the only dead bodies i've seen were at funerals.  and even then i don't like looking at it.  i'm going to be creamated so i don't have any last wishes for formal wear.

to those who are following along, we're at a point where we need to consider the possibility of not succeeding in commiting the act.  there's no definitive that says i will die if i do 400mg of ambien.  although from what i hear, death is very much a real possibility.  i'm gambling on succeeding.  and i'm going into it with that in mind.  but should i not succeed and there's some sort of rescue effort done upon my body, then i'll deal with it.  no doubt i'll be in the hospital, or the ER at least. i'll not have another opportunity like this for a long time.

i still haven't completed theNote.  http://www.farpoint.org/theNote.htm should be completed here in the next day or two.  and that's really about it.  the list of things that must be done before they rid the earth of my body is almost complete.  there's a lot of things that have to get done to end the life of David.  i think i should consider myself lucky to be able to have this opportunity to dictate what gets done at the point of death.  most let it happen in time.  i needed to control that aspect, 'sides i think i've completed my tasks handed to me by angels.  i hope someone takes the time to go through the master diary and discover the rich life i've led.  even tho it's missing some of the best years, there's still a lot to sift through my time in mason city.

i got some things that need attention.  i don't know what they are, but i know i've got some.  kinda weird how you know that.  i'm sure it'll dawn on me over the next coupla days.  hopefully i'll be able to stay on schedule.  the undefined schedule.  i'll know it when it happens.  i'll work on theNote some more.  get diva in shape for being by herself for a few days.  she's the one who needs to know i'm leaving her.  i think she has that inkling.  she's taken to me in ways she's never done before.  i think she knows something is up.

so i'll close out this post with a proverb.  keep your eyes on the prize, for it could disappear before your eyes.

i'm down to either tomorrow or a week from tomorrow.  this means either tomorrow, or after i see tsaras in rochester mayo on monday, and another visit from shelley on tuesday.  i'm also supposed to get paid back for some loans i have outstanding.  not much.  1410 on one, and 130 on another and 100 on yet another.  i don't see myself recouping the 100, but i've got a chance to get 1000 on the 1410 deal, and 100 on the 130 deal.  decisions decisions.  i could jus say fuck ya all and hang it up tomorrow without seeing a dime out of those deals.  no matter really.  i kinda would forgive some of it, but they didn't do me right in telling me about their need to extend the loan.  so when they pull that kinda shit, i say fuck it.  fork it over or get me collateral.  SOMEthing.

'sides, if i were to pull the plug tomorrow, that jus wouldn't be enough time to get everything readdy.  i need to have certain things on the computers.  i need to have the house in shape for company.  you know what i mean.  make sure diva's got food and her litter box is cleaned up.  then print out the will and maybe even theNote.  i dunno, theNote is quite long now with all those additions i did to it.  plus, doing it tomorrow is just too quick.  i could, but i kinda wanna wait.  oh damn.  would pot help make this decision?  lets see.

well, i'll close tonite's post out with a sense of anticipation.  it's almost got me in knots.  and my heart beats louder and heavier.  and i get the sense that i've lost another part of me along the way.  i'll get out of the mode i was in earlier, by saying that i have a plan. and that plan is holding strong it's position.  being able to schedule every minute of the day between njow and then would be the feat of jesters and other court comics.  there's bound to be something that'll upset the balance and one of the many tracers that are floating about.  tying that into the rhythm of the beat and holding strong the dancing of the beat.  that's what tonite's episode is about on conan o'brian i think he's in new yuork cuz jay's i la, and the cbs late late show is on the west coast 2 hours later than it shows on eastern time. central time is the only real time zone, an hour beloe eastern and 2 ahead of west coast time.  i use zulu time.  

is it up yet?

T minus.... shit.  i wouldn't be able to tell you.  that would take some planning. but if i do this, and it doesn't succeed in the objective, then i'm gonna have to deal with things.  i could plan for my exit plan for getting out of this.  but frankly, i don't see it.  this is going to continue.

most everybody i talked to today were in recoup mode.  i forgot what that feels like.  it's been  awhile since i've last expeerienced recoup mode.  they say you cant remember pain.  and i know it's been painful for me in the past, i think i would understand what it feels like.  recoup mode is how one feels after drinking assorted drinks at several of the bars in town and not remembering how you got home.  heh, oh ya, i know what it feels like. 

i'm going to do some christmas shopping tomorrow i think.  something to look foward to.  no?  no, not really.  but i think tomorrow will be the best christmas-shopping-event in years.  i'll be able to take care of a few of my gifts tomorrow, provided the stores have what i'm looking for.  i'm not one for gift-wrapping.  i don't mind paying for it, i would at least tip the person doing my gift wrapping.  what i'm getting tomorrow doesn't require gift wrapping.  or it could, i would have see the boxes.   they would wrap hannukah gifts don't they?  i think so.  Wrapping requires some liquor.  i have nothing in the house here.  another stop on the train.  oh well.

i don't know who is going to invite me, i might have a christmas that's all alone.  which heh, it's only a day.  really.  it usually follows up with hangovers.   but not this year.  i think i'll be sober or buzzed a bit this season.  heh, why am i even planning that far ahead.  i need to start facing the truth about these last few days.  i'm not  at all hurting in any way. no need to cry. it's sad only because you want it to be that way.  i feel like i need to stick with the plan.  there's a plan in place.  and i'm getting it  whittled down pretty well, so it's nice and smooth sailing from here on 

out.  if all goes and things go according to my plan, i will have made my last few days on earth a 

joy.

i need to work on some other documents, get things in order on my laptop.  finish theNote.  i don't think i'll need to do another load of laundry. what else. tuesday is the day for dr. johnson's visit in the hospital.  i don't plan on doing anything radically different just because i know when i'm going to die.  i have to manually inject it into whatever plan i have, which tells me one of two things.  which says i don't have the guts to go through with it, or that i not only plan on doing it, i'll do it.  but i'm not the hell on wheels i always thought i'd be.  oh well.  next life.

i need to get theNote together.  that's going to be a job.  a job i shouldnt do without a clear head.  should do with a clear head.  i'm using the web as my means of communication at another time.  whether it be minutes away, or hours away.  or days away, however i like to try to one post a day.  sorta like, here's what's on my mind. isn't that what a blog is all about?

theNote is going to express my views on what should be done once my death has been seen by the authorities.  i'm sure the police are going to get called.  they'll have to control the scene.  i hope not.  they should be very satisfied with what i'm doing to cover my tracks.  there's nothing really that is so private that i wouldn't open it in view by someone   but theNote is going to be a piece that has taken 2 weeks to come up with.  posting here helps with that too.  but knowing what i've said where, i don't know.  i suppose i could get by with the status quo.  if it's not broken, why fix it?  and nothing is broken.  so there's no need of a fixer.   thank you.

i think the subject is much less talked openly and frankly - it will forever leave questions, if ya wanna know why.

i use word to do special documents.  legal documents i like to use Word for almost anything.  i'm not constrained.  insofar as limitations of certain programs are never a problem.  Word works and is overly bloated, but shit, you can do anything in it.  guess that's why users prefer it against anything else you put up there.  but Word to me is almost second nature.  wordperfect is another text editor thats got bells and whistles.  i know them both but prefer Word.  i know wp was more detailed in it's formatting and control.  the codes were part of the presentation.  geeks all had wp.  i was never a geek, as much as i wish i could have enjoyed it, going geek has had their claws on my back, but i never succeed in being a geek.

the editor here on blogger is pretty good.  it does all the simple formatting for ya. plus it'll save it out as a html document.  i use it to do posts, rather than doing posts in another program then adding them to the gui.  i think there's a mailing address you can use that'll post your rants and things.  photos.  however i dont see how it can transfer photos, but it does.  like the ceo of sprint said, these phones are worth a lot more than just calls from mother. then it goes  on to say all the things the phone was capable of doing things that before required computers.  now we got devices that are basically a small system, on your wrist.  thos will be a long time away.  but really, i see communication between humans evolving to video phone instead of cell phone.

i should do a post on the intinerary of events leading up to laying down on the bed.  this is why alcohol isn't being used.  i wanna remember, for what i don't know, but i think death is only when the body is dead.  soul death is a totally different thing.  but a death is a dead body.  but all the things that are done leading up to the event should be noted somewhere.  theNote is explaining why.  theDeclaration is something that can be used to put the imporant announcements on paper.  like money.  on the declaration.  like household items.  on the declaration.  the will is probabaly a part of the Declaration.  the will is done and printed.  i'll leave the Declaration on the laptop.  i'll leave irc running, and a post that is in the buffer.  drafts.  i dont have drafts.

i'll need to make sure the litter in diva's box is clean and full.  i jus put more litter into the box/container.  she's got plenty of food, but i'll make sure she's got a full dish of food.  the only thing that i can see diva doing is laying next to me.  i hope she sleeps with me that night.  i expect the discovery of my body to be done by my nurse.  yes, i have a nurse. ya have to these days.  no really, i'm not a young chicken any more, and AIDS has taken it's toll. but i expect my nurse to discover the body.  knowing that she's probably got experience finding dead bodies, i'm sure mercy home care has a policy regarding dead bodies.  i would like to know, but if i call it';ll only raise red flags and i'll have to deal with their 'intervention'.

i'll fall asleep in the clothes i'm going to wear on my dying day.  no suit.  maybe army.  i dunno.  i'll figure that out as we get closer to the day.  but army requires a white shirt, and they're not exactly comfortable as bedwear.  but we'll see.  i know i need to be fine as if it's a normal jnight.  i think i'll post after taking the pills, but on my way to the bedroom, is the computer.  so a post right before i retire would make good copy, no?  probably not ready for David talk.

i'll bet i'll have a hard time getting to sleep that night.  i'll have everything running across my mind.  worrying about whether or not i didn't catch something, and what if this happens, do i really wanna leave it for the whole world to see?  i should do a round of pics before i go.  get some of the house, and some self portrait.  tossing and turning, making that night horrible for getting to sleep.  ya think one of those sleeping pills could make it's way into the system and put me out before the rest of it gets digested.  it should act by putting me down first, right?  i mean, i dont wanna be holding my throat and unable to breathe.  

no, i need advice from the medical community and i'm not getting it.  for all it's said and done, that healthline is scripted to refer callers to this access center whatever that is.  i'm not even sure what the access center is all about.  anyway, kristie will do what has to be done, i'm sure of that.  i jus hope she calls linda and gets a hold of her.  linda is my friend who's the executor of my will.  

that's about it for now.  later.z

the stand

have you ever seen the movie, the stand?  by stephen king?  well, be prepared to think in terms of black and white.  still a good movie if you like dark thrillers.  this is a story told in 8 hours.  i'm sure the net is full of video clips if not the whole movie somewhere.  maybe on usenet you can pick it up. anyway, i am searching around for an idea of a post.  couldn't come up with anything i have around the house.  and going out isn't really on my agenda.  it's 39 degrees out, so it's still mild in terms of winter weather.  it's not winter yet, but it's still chilly to the bone.  anyway, i'll post about things i'll miss after i die.  a dave letterman style list, the top ten list.

#10 - i'll miss my music.  

#9 - i'll miss the routine.

#8 - i'll miss doctor johnson's visits.

#7 - i'll miss kristie's visits.

#6 - i'll miss shelley's visits.

#5 - i'll miss my family, what's left of it.

#4 - i'll miss stargate and star trek.

#3 - i'll miss television.

#2 - i'll miss my computer.

#1 - i'll miss myself.  if that isn't vain, i don't know what is.

there i got a whole list of 10 things that i'll miss after the event.  i thought i'd have 10 things, and sure enough got 10.  and it wuzn't that hard.  now i wonder if i could come up with 10 things suicide is good for.  i don't think i can.  this is a pretty lopsided argument.  

why do it at all, then?  because it's my time.  i feel compelled almost drawn into this cyclone of life and death.  my hunger for satisfaction about the after life is making me do it.  i can't help reverting back to the time i had my vision.  which laid out my death is no uncertain terms.  i was going to hang. so i don't know how i'm able to reconcile that one.  maybe i haven't thought about it much lately. this gives me pause to think about what i'm thinking about.  be my own psychologist.

really, why do it at all then.  i say because it's my time as if i absolutely without doubt believe that my time is up when i say it is.  actually, we're all dying anyway, some of us on a faster track than others.  but death isn't something that can be shared.  in fact, death is the final guarantee by the Almighty that would happen to me.  like the old saying, life, death and taxes.  things that must happen.

now, getting back to life is like a river.  how would a careful and astute person be able to die.  natural causes is a catchall for things that can't be defined.  and i'll bet there are causes of death that don't make sense.  i wonder if anybody's doing any research into the matter.  but if life is like a river, then i have the ability to navigate, stop, and get off the water and on to dry land.  death is when you get back in the water.  water is the essence of life that can be touched and quantified.   heaven is earth.  the sky is heaven,  heaven can be like land, and getting out of the water is like dying.  

i wonder how many other people believe in what i believe in.  are there more people out there like me?  i would be surprised if there were.  but defining God and soul and heaven and hell, well, i have definitions that work for me.  i've looked at catholicism, protestantism, buddist, islam, and took a little bit of each and made it into what i call Q.  the good of the top religions makes for a really hip dude.  especially if he lives his religion.  christians are known for their interpretations of the ideals of religion in fanatical ways.  and islamist factions are also known for their interpretations of the ideal of religion in fanatical ways. i wonder if the jewish state can the same be said about their groups.  one's never heard of a jewish terrorist, unless one can read arabic.

i would hate to get caught up in religion here, so i'll steer the topic up a bit and see what happens.  things that i'll miss when i die.  i probably won't "miss" anything since i'll be dead and gone, with nothing to feel about anything. i don't think i'll "miss" anything per se.  i'll miss not having and doing those things.  but not for long i'm sure.  i think right at the point of death is when you actually see yourself rising up and floating around, not bound by wall, then how would i walk oir stand.  if i'm not bound by wall then i'm not confined to any particular room when i'm standing. but you know what i mean.  i'll float around for a few minutes then i expect there will be 'the light' and poof, death happened.  now i exist in a purgatory stage. readying myself for another chance at life.  depending on where i am spiritually, will determine what life i'll have for myself.  i think you'll get the chance to pick what life you would want.  or is there a judge that survey's your previous life and determines what life i would get next time.  how many times we have to repeat life is the billion dollar question.

but i expect i'll stay around the house for a while.  time is gone at that point, so i believe how long i say there is only a blink in time for those that are still alives on earth.  but there will be things i will want to see after i die.  like what people would say on #mindvox and #interport on mIRC.  i'd be curious to know whether they were true friends or not. frankly, i trust my excutor so whatever happens to diva and my things will happen and there's nothing i'll be able to do about it.  i cant see myself too worried about it.  i've planned on doing this while holding my head up.  i haven't decided yet on whether or not pot is going to play a role in this chapter.  i expect it will, but not as strong as i figure here.

more later.z.

the day after

i'll bet 70% of the country had their fill of food today.  i know i had my opportunity last night to enjoy a table full of food items.  like salad, and side dishes of vegetable or soup.  there was enough turkey to give everybody a second helping.  it was good.  i didn't pig out by any means, and ate very conservative.  i was filled up after having pie.  got home early.  not early in the morning, early in the evening.  i think around 19:00 ... but i would have to check my diary.  today's not been a hungover day, that's for sure.  i think in the past. it would have been.  not that i feel great to begin with,

i wanna get my friend a computer.  her old system is an old one and i thought i'd give her a christmas present now.  could get a wireless router and prime them to have 2 laptops join in soon. although there will be no indication of their awareness of my plan.  i don't wanna release too much, for fear of getting locked up.  god i hate getting locked up.  not that i have had anything since my  last owi in 2001.  that's another post.  but back to my original idea of getting my friend a computer.  she can come and pick it out.  i'll tell her sometime over the weekend.  we'll stop at best buy and see what they've got on the shelves.  i think most of them come with a lcd screen now.  no more bulky monitors.  and her space is tight back there.  she should just get a bigger lcd. i'm sure we can get her hooked up for less than what i have in the tinbox.  i forgot how much i had in the envelope.  shit.35?  or 40? something like that.  anyway, i'll put up the tin box for her family's gift.  i think they'll use it now.

my family is so dysfunctional, i admit a brother/sister relationship.  but that's it.  i have 3 sisters that do not talk to me, so why shouldn't i accept it and move on?  i should.  and i normally do.  i don't think of them much, more lately tho, which is why i'm posting this.  i think my sisters are net savvy, and with a little work, i could probably track down anything i wanted to know about them.  i don't because they're not worth the effort

happy thanksgiving to you all.  hope you don't over eat too much.  i know today's a day of food and family.  the food is about as good as the family.  actually i celebrated thanksgiving last nite with some pretty decent friends. i seem to be accepted by most of those folks.  it kinda suprises me that i can get along with some people.  of course, i don't anticipate their patronage, so there's never a call out on the issue.  they're definitely unique especially after dealing with big city folk.  i think the people that i'm referring to would appreciate my keeping their identities private.

"see you have people who care for you." is ringing in my ear. well, duh, i never thought otherwise. again, my purpose in this whole venture is hopefully stir up the pot some, and get some discussion going on the subject of suicide.  people tend to lump suicide with something that must mean i'm depressed.  and i'm not.  sure there's a lot in my life that i don't particularly jump for joy at the drop of a hat over.  but i wouldn't classify any of them, and combined as well, as to be suffering from depression simply because i'm suicidal.  so, i'm holding my head up going into this.

well, i'm going to trust that you've had your fill for the day.  enjoy it. 

happy thanksgiving.

i just wanted to stop by quick and say happy thanksgiving to you all.  you'll probably be happy to know that i'm still around to share these holiday times.  that's fine.  i just look at things in a whole different way.  but strangely enough i don't look at things with the finite outlook i could, or should, have.  i'm not doing anything that i wouldn't have done otherwise.  given the comfortableness of the event as a whole, one would be prudent to take a look at all of the feelings that are surrounding me. enveloping me.  making me whole in one thing.  i used to be like that.  but any more i just go with the flow.  i don't chart territory any more.  this is like seeing the aura from everything living.  

this thanksgiving will serve as a means by which i can have my last goodbyes.  they won't know it, and it'll be fun seeing them as they are.  the only problem i see happening is if someone were to email me with concerns, i'd have to remain anonymous, leQ, or quasar.  there's a funny story that goes along with how i picked out leQ.  i'll be able to say good bye without them knowing it because i want to remember them for what they are, not what they'll do when they discover something, and by not being forceful in nature, i can ride along whatever trails are being examined.  if i left them alone and let them make all the decisions, there's a sense of empowerment.  

by all accounts, i would be able to view humans in all their pleasure and self-sustaining attitudes.  i don't dare let them in on the secret.  i don't wanna go to mercy, and am not expecting to until next tuesday.  i see my doctor one more time.  he's not going to know the truth either, as much as i would like to discuss this in greater detail.  but they'll get all bent and broken about things and call the sherriff. i certainly can't let that happen now can i.  at least i'll be eating good.  yup, the holidays are upon us.  get your wallet out and start watching the money fly away.  this will be the most expensive christmas i have done in a long time.  i'd like to get my friend a new computer.  we'll have to leave the rest of the clues hidden.  

one more week.  i suppose i could make the most of it.  but what would i do having dozens of friends, i have dozens of friends, just not the kind you pinch at the next party.  since this is the week of thanksgiving, and most of my memorable moments have just by luck happened on thanksgiving.  but i gotta run now.  my ride is here.

so, what's it like to know your life will end in a week's time?  what questions would you have?  knowing how and when support the theory of reincarnation and death as part of that process.  reincarnation folks probably have a whole set of rules and regulations, none of which i know personally, i dunno.  when i use the word i mean reincarnation as in you keep the same soul through more than one life form.

that death is only an event on a chain of events that compose as life.  i only hope that death is an event that really only lasts a second or two.  death is a real thing.  the realist of real.  it's the permanence of it all that i quiver about.  i wouldn't like to have pain when i die.  to have pain as your last emotion, well, that would be sad.

i dunno about the timing yet.  how i'm going to have everything ready to go, i'll have to make a check off list.  there's a lot that's going to have to be done.  i'm going to assume a 48 hour discovery.  48 hours into the death.  that should be more than enough time for the ambien to do it's job.  i'm assuming i'm gonna be knocked out and i'll simply pass out. now whether or not i awake, well, that's a diffedrent story.  best left to another post.

i see a week of activity where i see myself participating in some thanksgiving festivities at a friend's house.  she's got a large family, so there will be many people around most of the time.    there's a nikkie over there ... i don't remember her last name, but she's a GF to someone over there.  i think.  i really don't know her.  she must get online and saw this blog.  i hope i'm spelling her name right, forgive me if i'm not.  

i will say however, that i think of death as something that is rather inviting.  it's calling out to me to join in.  join in what, i have no idea.  but i feel the urge to do what i'm doing.  getting people to discuss the issue of suicide in an open and frank way is one of my tasks.  a discussion that is no bull.  

but i will let you know when i know.  defining the timeline is something that i'd like to get done this next week.  i'll have it all mapped out, if you will.  the journey of a lifetime.   a timeline at this time would need to be changed daily, i'm keeping close tabs on it with the diary.  i just passed the 1000 page the other day.  ya,. a thousand, or more.  i think i'm on page 1007.  doule aught seven.  isn't there a james bond movie iopening up this season?  seems to me an ad for it played on my television (scifi channel 24/6) recently for a december opening. but i'll know when the time is right and i'll have a good 8 hour notice to basically get the finishing touches on some things, and generally be in good shape to die.  diva, my cat will no doubt need comfort.  i just hope my friend pete's got it in him to let diva be diva.  she'll treat you right by not being a pest.  i talk to my petes.  i'm sure she'll get used to your voice and associate you with something nice.

this is not my last post.  i plan on posting on a number of subjects, and tie it all together with my death.  i may be dead, but i'm not forgotten.  i've got farpoint up on krak.net and north iowa bowowleague.net will be on krak & cheap-bastards.  i don't have anything left on butt.0x.net.  but krak is fast and he'll be around for the foreseeable future.  i got some years on farpoint.  2017 is when it'll be due again.  12/18/2017 i think.  unless i give it another 5 years.  that's almost 10 years.  heh, i've been in mason city for 10 years now. jus celebrated my anniversary the other day.  on the 11th actually.

but we've got some time ahead, you and me.  we'll be covering different subjects and you'll always get my view, whether you respect that is the million dollar question.  i'm brash at times, and at times i get riled up.  i make no excuse.  i call it like i see it.  and i see at least another week.  we got time here.  i can make a period of 3-4 days seem like 9-10 days.  and i can probably cover 3-4 days with my current riled-upness.  iow, in a decent mood.

labels for this post.  jee, does it save with the post as what?  insertlabel15?  i see you can change the date.  that's not to say it's got automatic posting for those that are ready to publish.  i can have several drafts, but to make one out of it, it's a bit confusing the way it's setup now.

some stats

Twenty-two percent (29/131) of a group of AIDS patients died by physician-assisted suicide (PAS) or euthanasia, compared to about two percent of all deaths. Based on an examination of each case, "[There was not] any substantial shortening of life by euthanasia/PAS...most of these patients would have died naturally within one month."

http://www.a1b2c3.com/suilodge/faceut1.htm

one month??  that seems like a select group of individuals.  people who have aids are no different in their outlook on life than normal people.  for all in tense and purpose, people with aids tend to be more enlightened about pain and suffering, be it physical or emotionall than normal people, and when i say normal, i mean the median score on the curve.  that data also showed an astounding statistic.  22% of aids patients commited suicide, assisted.  that's a high number imho.  i belong in that 22%. i wonder how many patients of cancer, aids, or anything physically depleting would commit suicide and discuss the subject openly and vividly.  would they believe that there's a God out there, and He will be the judge of your life?  

regardless of your belief in the hereinafter, you can understand the whole thing as a personal matter.  that because it's a personal matter, it belongs on the list of things to contemplate.  the pros and cons of a suicide wish list. that they and other non-interested parties who become involved in this matter, they too much agree that suicide is a personal matter best left up to you and your maker.  whether they would support an assisted suicide is still a long way off.  even the mere discussion of the matter is brought up and made known to the professional medical staff, things start to take on the tone of a person fighting for his rights.  and losing.

it should be known that this site believes in assisted suicide.  euthanasia is still a concept that requires a lot of knowledge and understanding.  that involves other people. i'm only interested in things that involve moi.  self-centered yes, but that's what a blog is.  fields of poopy has had a long run, as a political junkie at first, then mellowed out with the suicide tracking.    i'm hoping that someone learn something they didn't know before they read my rants.  and boy can the kid talk on and on and on and on.  really.  i get tired of it in the 3rd paragraph.  but i tough it out and read on.  NOT!  hah, no really, not.

suicide is a fleeting thought today.  i have to reach out and grab it to get into the mode.  for some reason it's avoiding me.  i'll get interested in something else.  ya, right.  suicide overwrites all previous ways of living.  we live to enjoy life to its fullest.  we die when the time is right, and only God knows that for sure.  i don't believe that God is controlling me and my thoughts, but He's certainly privvy to the inner most thoughts, and whether they're suicideal or not, should be treated with dignity and respect.  

i long for a day when humans get rid of money and all things capitalistic.  not really for the soviet style oppression, but getting rid of money would go a long long way to being an enlightened civilization.  we need aliens to come make themselves known.  we need a stargate to happen.  imagine that.  oh well.  it was a thought worthy of a script.  money is evil in it's purest form.  having it and not having it, brings on a slew of problems.  ya cant live without it, ya cant live with it.  actually, money means very little to me any more.  i spoze if i was starving and had no money, i would be singing a different tune.   but money hardly means what it used to mean.  i don't spend on things i like i used to.

so, what's a kid like you doing in a place like this, huh.  a rhetorical question if ever there was any.  but a kid like you don't belong in here.  actually, all my life i've heard that from ppl.  not just my friends, but my acquaintances too.  that i was really from another place, another time, and just never felt comfortable around a crowd of people.  even when i was a dj, i wouldn't ever shine the lights in the booth so the people can see their dj.  i would rather not, be seen.  anyway, i really liked being a dj.  i played in clubs in miami, key west, orlando?  i think one in orlando i went to it.  but i dunno.  it's like st. louis.  don't remember coming into town, only that i woke up one afternoon and being told that i got in the nighbefore and dj'd at a club in town, then came back to the baths.  and going to sleep right aweay.  so when i woke, i had some explaining to do.  to somebody.  maybe not.  i never had a love in pittsburgh.  anyway, commercial's over.

i should read what i've posted.  i might learn something.  see, automatic writing is jus4t that.  automatic.  having no forethought to it's creation.  like you, i would be reading it for the first time.  i think i have forethought, once in a while.  i'd rather that it happens because it happens.  i believe that with my soul on the table, i like to play to win.  i'm not a very good loser.  privately, i'm a winner all the time.  or most of the time.  i don't know anybody who could lose 24/7 and be fine with it.  losing to me is like the loss of either some dignity, or the more hurtful, soul.

i keep asking myself why am i not out doing whatever the hell i wanted to do.  just because i donit plan on being around to answer for my actions.  but i don't.  not in the least.  i pretty much do what i want to do any way.  i have very little restraint in place.  had this been 3 years ago, i would be considered a success of a storybook relationship i had with myself.  this is like getting awfully close to being personal. 

suicide is a personal subject.  it really only affects the one who is doing the deed.  other people around him/her take suicide as a bad thing.  i hold that death is a positive notion, but dying is where the pain is.  look at cancer patients, the terminal ones.  i wonder what they're outlook on life is.  where would you even look for that kind of information.  google?  what terms should i search for? suicide terminal disease ?

well, i started reading one of those links and got to this place.  i couldn't read it all. my eyes are one of those things you lose as you gain in age.  vision isn't what it used to be.  another reason i don't try reading what i'm typing.  but death in the eyes of some of these people is a convincing subject matter.  death and dying are two related things.  dying conures up this mystical being released from the body.  death is when dying is complete.  that's the relationship between the two.  

in god we trust

tonite i'd like to talk about trust.  trust is everywhere.  in people.  in things.  in just about everything, there's a certain level of trust between you and that person, or with that thing (i trust the car will get me to work in the morning).  trust that can easily be dismissed with a bad act.  trust can be easily quantified.  trust is one of the building blocks of humanity.   animals even have trust in their lives.  so it's a life thing, rather than a human thing.  not rather than, in addition to it being. a human thing.  sounds dirty duzn't it.

trust earned the hard way can be one way of gaining trust.  you spend trust just the same.  let's say you gain someone's trust, and he decides to back your new venture with a million bucks.  that's a million dollar trust.  in business they write it all down on paper.  all the same thing, i trust you, and you trust me.  and with a million dollars at stake, i would think that tust would be worth gold.  i also must be trust worthy.  worthy of said trust.  a million dollars can buy you a lot of trust.

how does this play out on the suicidee's house? diversion can be good for the soul.  talking about trust and knowing that others' trust in me could be in jeopardy over this suicide deal. i have to think about this some more.  i wish i didn't have to be so concerned about our trust.  i can see why suicide would upset that balance with these people.  it would be nice if we could all trust each other and voila, we have a perfect world.  but this is a mad world.  like the song says, something to the effect of the dreams are the best i've ever had.  the whole song is great.  but back to the subject du jour.  trust.

trust is a two-way deal.  it can't be just one side trusting the other.  that's lop sided.  i trust very few people, and nobody with the keys to the house.  on 911 knows (it's in the 2nd line for the address).  nobody has my trust without question.  and very few have even an ounce of my deep trust.   the only trust that i give to people is with money.  it's easier to quantify too.  but money is the main reason for someone to trust me.  i've handled large amounts in my time.  money doesn't scare me.  i trust money.  trust it'll get me what i have to have, and enough left over for some of those desireables.  

ya, money and i go way back.  :)  really, i used to have so much money i could do anything i wanted to.  but times have changed.  people have changed.  and yet money remains the leader in the trust department.  money buys trust.  however, that's not to say trust isn't free.  well, nothing's free doll, but that's another story.  but everyone pays for the trust in some way.  money, or favor.  all the same to me.  but it seems the more money you have, you're afforded that much extra trust.  uh huh.

trust with love is another kind of trust.  one that i didn't have, nor ever had, that trust in love.  shame too because i sure loved the hell out of a few boys.  but there was only the like-me trust in any of my relationship i've had in the past.  i was in love, he wasn't.  it was the same for all 4 of 'em.  they weren't ready to have that level of trust in me, and i didn't blame them for it.  i knew i was on the shortcoming set and kept to myself most of my life.  not a real socialite if ya know what i mean.

i trust that i'm going to die when i say it's time.  and that it won't drag out for days on end.  i also trust that linda is going to do what i proscribed in theNote.  theNote started to get out of control, so i whittled it down to 2 pages, and a list separately spells out what i need done.  thinking about this has me wondering now, i have things that probably should go into the will.  ever worked on one of those things?  it's like i have to make sure they don't have questions that can be answered in a letter.  i gotta get someone to do about 16 things.  from calling people, to calling utilities/etc. and discontinue service.  this whole paragraph is getting to sound like it should be in a post by itself.

but my trust is in certain people and they've earned thjeir trust by being trust worthy first, and civil/professional second.  i don't trust a lot in any pareticular religion.  what i believe would fill a page or two, so i won't get into the details here.  but suffice it to say i believe in reincanation, and to some extent that whole trip of being out of body, having a conscious experience and having the ability to give life to a new body, and someone is keeping score.  there, that about sums up my belief system, and i'll be glad to discuss them in another forum.

but trust is something that should be taken with a grain of salt.  in god we trust.  i wonder how many people actually trust god, having never met the man.  

well, if you're still reading this, understand one thing.  understand that i am merely writing what comes to mind.  i think about it only after it's been mentioned.  what gets said here is from a part of me that wants to die.  there's another part of me tho, that needs to live.  balancing the two is how the game is played.  to live, one only needs to breathe.  to die however, even with the different ways of it happening, to die is a one way street.  when you die, you die.  when you live, you also live.  but you can do so much more when you live.  and death is only a part of life .. the part that makes eveything else seem as if it didn't matter.  tnot a care in the world for the way you live your life.  like mtm tossing her hat in the beginning of the mary tyler moore show.

i think it's the permanence of it that must be weighed in by about 3 times.  take for instance, when one is suicidal, yet isn't really ready to 'die', how much weight would you equate the event with?  would you put more weight on the isssue because .of it's permanence?  i think i've  already made clear that you don't absolutely gotta have it, depression.  without depression, how can one be suicidal?  i can only answer that i'm not depressed.  or i might be and i don't know it.  it's kinda hard to take a good look at yourself when you live alone.  i used to have a floor-length mirror, made me tall and thin.  :)

death is such a taboo word it seems.  one must be a believer or a non-believer.  power over your death is the ultimate power.  the ability to say you know when you're going to die has got to ignite something down there.  death to me is, i think it is when you crossover onto another plane of existence.  your soul, or whatever you wanna call it, but the essence of life that exists beyond existence...  whatever you wanna call it, is very real.  not touchey feely, but real nonetheless, non-depression, or whatever you wanna call it, can be anything.  it doesn't have to be but a few things.  being real has got to mean from the heart.  if one would leave the thinking processes alone, then we'd all be living in a better world.

i haven't been giving too much thought about the instant i die, what happens, and how long does that last.  i'd like to know what transpires right at that moment when breathing stops and eyes close, and the heart stops.  i always wondered, can people feel their own heartbeat?  i do.   reflections such as that happen with greater frequency.  

well, i guess i've taken uip enough of your time.  thanks for sticking around.  read on and take into consideration that you're passing throgh time backwards. 

right now, right here

what's that song, right now right here?  i keep going over the same stanza of this song that has right now right here in it.  but i don't know the name to the tune.   there's some hits on right now, right here, and maybe i just have it ass backwards.  but it's a tune i can't get out of my head.  

it's not the song i was thinking of, but since hearing right here right now i've grown fond of that song.  the links are to some fatboy slim tunes and videos.  anyway, this song is a nice piece done by fatboy slim.  they have another tune i like, i don't know the name of it, but i do recognize the name fatboy slim.  i don't know music like i used to when i was in the business. 

suicide isn't on my mind today.  probably good too because i would hate to have to feel that way until it happens.  i really don't wanna make a big deal about it either.  nor do i want something after the event.  i did think about it earlier today tho.  it's an event that crys out for understanding.  i get the chills once in a while.  a *shiver* happens when i hit the nail on the head.  right now right here is a perfect expression for what i'm going through.  things mean a lot more - obviously.  

what will i miss most?  that's hard to say. i would have to say diva, hands down.  her health and keeping are my main concern.  i trust my friend pete who agreed to take her when that time comes.  but her future is very much a concern for me, a point that could derail this whole trip.  if i let it.  it wouldn't be hard to not to.  her love and prrr will be missed.  i could shed some tears on the issue.  but i won't.

suffice it to say, there's reason out there for both sides of this debate.  both sides are correct when the reason is bisexual.  that was hard to express.  i say bisexual because of the way both sides are right.  this isn't a male/female thing, nor is it a macho man thing.  in fact, sex hasn't played a part in my decision making processed in 2 years or more.  jan of 2005.  the day of dad's funeral to be exact. listening to bothsides, when actually, the only one whose thoughts matter is myself.  if i were to listen to anybody else, i would feel not in control.  i like control.  control group was the name of my company back in 81.  since then, i've been totally asexual... something i should be proud of, things just don't have the same aura they oince had.  but that's just growing up and getting grey.  is it ay or ey?

when i think about the suicide thing, i get into one of these modes that sees nothing else along the way.  very narrow-sighted.  i think there's a term for that, god help me i don't know what it is.  but if and when i think about suicide, i don't get depressed.  and i didn't have any tears - until tonite.  not full-fledged tears, but water in the eye tearing up.  i'll miss a lot more than i thought about.  and i'm afraid if i continue to dwell on those issues i may not get the job done.

when is still unknown.  i know it'll be a few more days.  i keep feeling like i'm going to get into getting out of it, i doubt that i'll have any issues that haven't been through online here, and i am using fields as a means of bouncing back with comments, even though they're not online, i do know that there have been hits.  i was just hoping for more comments i guess.  i know there was a period of time when the page was private, but that didn't last too long.  i got the weblogs the other day and ran them through one of those loggers that you can find almost anywhere on the web ...  didn't really tell me anything i didn't know or was interested in.  it was nice seeing the referrer stats.  that made reading the report more interesting.

but back to when.  i'll know it when it arrives.  i'll jus sit up and say, it's time.  and then i'll proceed to the bedroom.  taking these pills, all 40 of them, could pose to be a bit more difficult than i think.  thank god they're small tablets.  it'll make taking them more easy.  then after i down the pills, i would probably check the house one last time.  make sure the back door is locked, and the kats, and yes, wilth a K, out in the porch are fed and have dinner in their dish.  i should just put out the bag, but then i'll have every cat in the neighborhood coming over.  it is thanks giving.  i spoze i could tolerate it for a day.  buster and blacky have been getting milk from me in addition to special kitty food.  diva doesn't like me doing that but she's got no choice.  

on my last time through the old house, there's a lot of memories in this house.  i don't have pictures much, on the mac i have face.jpg and a sequence of that every other day or so.  i spoze if i ran them alol through a sequencer, they could account for a good portion of my life.  i would turn on the tv, and get into bed.  falling asleep could prove interesting.  i would think, taking 40 sleeping pills, that i would jus gently fall asleep, and let the good times roll.

when?  i dunno.  stay tuned.  i'll post here with my last dying breath.

a real rant

what's a man supposed to feel, 48 hours before his death.  knowing what time you go has got to be a gift.  i doubt everybody can do that.  but having that knowledge has got to lead to some advantages in life.  just think, you won't be around to see your next credit card bill.  you won't have to pretend any more.  all that is in the future for me for sure is sleep.  hopefully i won't awaken before the event  .  provided i can get to sleep in the first place.

but knowing the time of your death has got to be a real gift.  i won't be able to tell the difference it'll make.  i think it was 1984 or so when i had my vision of dying.  i saw how it was to die.  and felt it.  it felt cold.  it was like a cold wave of water came over me.  talk about *shiver*ing.  death was real cold and that was the big and most important thing i remember from that vision.  although it told me that the manner in which my death occurred.  and that was by hanging.  i was going to die by hanging.  i'm of the belief like that of my most recent visions i go by drug overdose.   now whether that meant suicide, or accidental, i don't know.  i am unable to recall much more than a few tidbits of knowledge from that event.  and i call it an event only because of the lasting effect it had on me.

but it's getting close.  close to the day of the event.  my heart is pounding rather hard right now.  i think maybe i should learn something.  just what that is is beyond me right now.  i thought i had a darn good education, and applied learning techniques to most of my active and productive life.  i was always eager to learn new stuff.  made me a good candidate for something, i jus never really found out what.  ya know, ya think you've lived a good life because you don't harm or wish harm to one's neighbors.  'sides, i hate fights.  boxing too.  and this ultimate fighting they got goin now, is way out of my league.  i was most comfortable in the navy.  

i figure i have a while yet before the event.  i can't put my finger on any date, yet.  i'll post in here and hopefully make this blog the last online thing i do.  i have mIRC and sit on #mindvox, and #interport. i'm  not real active as you can see.  

i was able to watch history in the making.  walking on the moon.  the tearing down of the berlin wall... of the computer.  just think where we would be without the computer.  i know i'd be lost to high heaven if i didn't have my box.  my life is on that box.  mess with that and you're messin with my livelihood. 

the computer tho has affected us all in such a way that has yet to be defined.  the computer is credited with having saved countless lives.  it's affect on humanity is global in nature and extremely individualistic.  there are lessons to be learned in almost every corner.

take 9/11, a tragedy of the highest order.  i have my #mindvox log for several hours on that morning.  it still gives me the *shivers*.  i think because i was watching cnn or msnbc that morning.  i wish i had diary that went back that far, but alas, 2000, june is the first of my diaries, but i still have the 1986-2008 years.   but 9/11 will always stick in my mind as something you experience and hope you never repeat it.  the world trade center was my backyard for a few years.  I lived across the street from the american stock exchange.  the building i moved out of was torn down later in 2001, as it was almost destroyed under the WTC debris.  it was another one of those god's saving me for some reason events.

oh the memories.  they seem to flash before my eyes, and there's little i can do about it.  i think i'm reliving (in feeling) moments from my time here on earth, and 9/11 stands out and about as high as the day i went into the navy.  that's when i became david schmidt again.  nehemiah mahana just disappeared.  but that's for another day.

i'm giving it about 5 days before i go.  that'll put me into saturday, and that's not one of the days i remember expressing.  so figure next wednesday.  this planning like this, produces a strange feeling/sensation.  not quite *shiver*, but not as cold.  i wonder, how is one supposed to act in my position?

i just hope none of you go off your rocker and get all excited and tell me that i shouldnt do it, and give me reasons from here to the setting sun why, but since it's not illegal, and one can not simply call up the sherriff and have him arrest an individual and put him/her into the nearest psych ward.  but since it's legal, i don't see the harm in writing about it.  i think that's why i'm here.  to write about my experience.  at least make it known that there is dignity in death this way.  suicide isn't always a depressing event.  not to me it's not.  many people would argue with me on that front.  but i have maintained that i'm going to go into this with my head held high and as knowledgable 

so please, if you've got some constructive criticism, by all means email me.

oh wow

something that hit me like a ton of bricks.  in iowa, suicide is not illegal.  i think only assisted suicide is.  but there is no law on the books outlawing suicide.  i searched the 2007 code here.

that's enlightening.  i'm also told that in order for 2 people to forcibly commit another person to the psych ward, one needs approval and a judge's signature to do it.  since i have a decent lawyer, i can't see that happening.  so that little show of force the other day was just that, a dog and pony show.  and i fell for it.

but never again.  famous last words wouldn't ya say?