My Diagnoses

DRG Coding for my diagnoses:

305.21 - cannibus abuse

781.2 - Abnormality Of Gait; (Gait: ataxic, paralytic, spastic, staggering)

426.11 - First Degree Atrioventricular Block Incomplete atrioventricular block, first degree; 

Prolonged P-R interval NOS

070.54 - Chronic hepatitis C without mention of hepatic coma

293.0 - Delirium Due To Conditions Classified Elsewhere;  Acute: confusional state, infective psychosis, organic reaction, posttraumatic organic psychosis, psycho-organic syndrome; Acute 

psychosis associated with endocrine, metabolic, or cerebrovascular disorder; Epileptic: confusional state, twilight state

780.93 - Memory lossAmnesia (retrograde); Memory loss NOS

585.9 - Chronic kidney disease

272.4 - Other And Unspecified Hyperlipidemia

Alpha-lipoproteinemia; Combined hyperlipidemia; Hyperlipidemia NOS; Hyperlipoproteinemia NOS

and of course, 642 - HIV.

wow huh.  thanks to http://66.17.18.112/flashcode/userRegister.do for giving me the DRG codes.

actually it was mayo who came up with the codes.  it was the website above that gave me the meaning of the codes.  i used to have a DRG book on my desk at work when i worked at staff builders/medicare unit.  anyway, the cost of having such a complicated health life is over $30,000 (and i'm sure i haven't received all of the bills yet) for that week, well 4 days in the hospital.

something's gotta change.

David's music

born2be.mp3

csi.mp3 (only the the mix is mine, although i could play right along with it)

everydance4.mp3

gimmesumm.mp3

letthebeat2.mp3

listentothepeople.mp3

movement3.mp3

my_newmail.mp3

straykitty.mp3

the5th.mp3

thinkn.mp3

and then my favorite interpretation of a song i wrote in 1974:

tayla_burial_song.mp3

i just wanted to post these songs.  enjoy them.

just got home from rochester, mayo clinic.  things went well, as expected.  only saw the doctor for about 10 minutes.  drove 184 miles to do that.  and i didn't learn anything new.  i know i need to get results from my tests faxed down here.  i'll call tomorrrow and have them do it.

gonna smoke a pipe.  i'll be right back.

well, don't this feel nice.  i love this pot i got.  a pinch will do ya.  really.  4 tokes out of this shit and i'm buzzed.  almost high, but able to work and conduct business like driving.  i wouldn't do it myself since i cant see at night.  anyway, theresa my sister would never let me drive her van.  why i have no idea.  but during the day would be the only time i could do it.  anyway, what was i saying.

oh yeah, healthcare.  jee, that's a load of comment.  the bottom line is that the heathcare system we have now would work with just a few adjustments.  they've got the right idea, they're just not going about it the right way.  and they=mercyexecs.  i should have a letter written to him.  tell him about mercy home care, and the wonderful relationship i used to have with them.  then this whole suicide thing got in the way.  they asked me about it, expecting me to stop posting.  well, sorry, but if i wanna post, i'm gonna post.  i will not be coerced into doing anything that someone else is wanting.  there's just a few people on this earth that are capable of bossing me around.  really.  that's not dillusional, nor is it truthful in it's disclaimer.  but there are other, more important things, left to change.

1.  make paper a thing of the past.  you're on the tip of going completely paperless.  that's nearly a million right there.  

2.  make the 24 hr 422-7777, the healthline, a person with full  access to patient records.  then they'll not waste time by asking the trivial stuff.  i use healthline a lot, and i would expect their computers being capable of doing visual conversation, via webcam, and it'l cut your travel expenses by almost 50%.

3.  there should be a 3rd item, but i cant think of what it would be.  ok.  i hear ya. more tits.  ok.  so where shall we go?

4.  oh ya.  chicago.  it's a 800 mile trip.  but well worth it.  i'm sure the scene has changed over the years.  i used to live there.  3 times i did apartments.  2z going with a 'friend'.  he had every-thing a man could want.  and then some.  let's just say a really handsome gent.

%2010%

that's how i time myself.  from one to another %% pair.

in the continuum

did you realize that it took 7 tabs before i landed in this text box.  please make it the 2nd.  thank you for listening, google.

finally done with the mess of last week

well, i'm feeling better.  was able to get laundry done.  at least one load.  then got all the paperwork for tomorrow's visit to mayo clinic.  i wonder what is autonomic reflex screen is about.  oh well.  i could google it.   well, after reading some off the hits on autonomic reflex screen, i only came across hits that used big fancy words, like Pathophysiology and Pandysautonomia.  anyway, i'm not going to google every big word on these health sites. i think i got a good idea of what they're testing me for.  anyway, that's for tomorrow.  what i'm doing today is another story.

i got a load of laundry in the dryer, and once that comes out, i'll do something else.  i was able to get down meds today, so i think the time for throwing up has passed, and i'll be fine from here on out.  i would like to thank everybody for their letters of concern.  it was heartwarming to know there are people out there that genuinely care about me, and to those, i thank you.

after spending like 4 days in the hospital in rochester minnesota (part of the mayo clinic).  what caused me to enter the hospital was a loss of gait and motor control.  in fact i lost it completely, both gait and speech.  it was as if i had a seizure.  i was on my way to my regularly scheduled appointment with my physician, i jus lost it at perkins restaurant, where we always eat before seeing the doctor.  i lost it there.  had to have my girlfriend cut my waffle.  totally lost it.  got to mayo, and my doctor's office and he jus sent me over to st. mary's hospital across the street.  where they admitted me immediately.

so i get into the hospital and they start running all these tests.  and i don't remember much of what happened over the next 4 days.  they did a lumbar puncture and i remember arguing with them about the need to do the procedure.  a spinal tap.  they're not a very comfortable test.  and i've got bruises on my stomach all around my belly button.  here you can see for yourself.

anyway, i have scars on my back and left arm.  so, you can get the idea of where i was at all week last week.  anyway, so i get out on the 15th, and end up back in the ER on the 16th because i was unable to keep any food or meds down.  so spending 8 hours in the ER right before st. paddy's day was the highlight of my week.  but i'm doing better today.  was able to keep down whatever i ate, my problem was getting the amount of food in me to qualm my hunger pains.  but at least i was able to keep what i ate down (had shrimp basket & key lime pie for breakfast/lunch).  i'm hoping that i'll be able to eat a decent meal in the next day or two.

so i've got a doctor's appointment with my family doctor tomorrow.  hopefully he'll have good words for me.  i'm going to complain  about a cracked rib which i got while i was in rochester.  why they weren't able to take care of it before discharging me.  not a word mentioned about it in my discharge summary.  oh well.  i didn't really feel like i got the best treatment up there.  those bruises make me look like a drug addict.  trust me, i had bruises like this before on both of my arms.  it's just that i've laid off the drugs since jan. 2005.  plus they weren't giving me the drugs the way i wanted them to.  and now i'm suffering from major constipation.  caused by the huge amounts of methadone.  150 mg, 3 times a day.  and for that i usually keep the pipes in shape with 3 pills of a stool softener.  i'm sure this is getting into the TMI territory.

so i'll close out with a wish for a happy st. paddy's day, and hope you enjoyed your day.  g'day.

i'ts 2121 anbd i feek kuje iu have a cracjed ribb.  i hurt to high heaven.  smoked the rest of the joint that i started earlier today.  tried to eat chkn noodle soup, and didnt get much down.  vomited up what i tried.  called around to find out who knew what happend this past week, and couldnt get a ripe version from anybody.  neither theresa, nor linda, could give me a synopsis for this week. all i know is i hurt in everypart of my body.  3 loads of pain meds didnt' help.  i'll take another roune before i go to bed.

11:49 CDT and i'm can't sleep

well, after checking all my mail, mail that i really didn't need to read, i thought i'd post and update.

i'm still in Mayo's St. Mary's Hospital, almost ready to be released. it's been a trip, which is putting it lightly. what got me here you say? well, being drunk as a skunk without a drop of alcohol. i could barely walk when we got here for my regular doctor's appointment. it was like someone put a spell on me, and hit me with a slinger. could not walk, i could talk and was coherent, but i just could not walk. so they admitted me.

so after a gazillion tests, they find out there's nothing wrong with me, except my underlying problem that brought me here. oh fudge. nothing to diagnose. at least it's giving me a glimpse into the operations of an emergency room at this hospital.

Mayo has been nice to me tho. not a thread of unjust treatment. they've all been professional and courteous. but nothing takes the place of my home. and i've got diva to think about. she's probably missing me more than i'm missing her. well, not quite as much, because i miss her like hell. since monday night, i've been pampered and treated with a royal touch. Mayo, afterall, attracts dignataries and heads of state. it's a top noch hospital/clinic.

so my life has pretty much been put on hold for a bit. all because of my inability to walk from the parking garage. they asked about drugs, and tested me for them all, but they only got a pot hit on me, to which i admitted that i smoked a bit the morning i left for rochester. but at least i'm able to get online with the find folks at efnet. (http://chat.efnet.org).

so after a gazillion tests, they are unable to find out why this happened. like, they can't tell me for sure what happened that caused me to lose control of my legs. they were able to discount almost every disease in the book. which makes me happy that they couldn't diagnose the situation with any certainty.

so i'm sitting here at 23:30 CDT, drinking coffee after being woke up to take a pill, i just couldn't return to sleep. maybe this was all supposed to happen. giving it a trial run. we'll see. so, until later.

11:40 CDT. amd o cam

i'm in Rochester's Mayo Clinic

and i'm really tired of being away from diva. i got up here on monday, for some stupid reason, i lost control of my legs and couldn't walk from the parking lot to the doctor's office. so i had a wheel my way in. went to my doctor's office, and in the meantime, i get hooked up with emergency services, who directed us elsewhere. so they put me in a private room, and told me to relax and enjoy myself.

so i stayed the nite thinking i would be able to go home tomorrow, but nope, that is not what these doctors had in mind. they continued to test me and test me, but found nothing. my symptoms had died off and i can control my legs now. making me just like everybody else. but no, these doctors are infatuated at geting to the bottom of things. why that happend couldn't be answered.

dau 3. i'm more tha ready to go home. theyu still cant figure out what happened. so what, is what i say. lets just move on. what do you think?

12 hour screwup

i awoke this morning finding not just one computer, or two computers, but both laptops AND the mac were reporting time that was 12 hours behind the real time.  the mac was getting fed the time from Apple Americas/U.S. (time.apple.com).  i dont know what the fuck is going on, certainly my laptops dont use time.apple.  they use some observatory out in colorado, i think.  anyway, all my logs are wrong.  oh well.  i'm goin to rochester today to the mayo clinic.  that outta be fun.  so until i get back, hang loose.

took an iq test by some swindlers over at facebook.  here's the results of that test:

8 questions out of 10 correct

Congrats! Your smarts are officially off the charts! By achieving the absolute highest score possible, you've earned the opportunity to mingle with other IQ pros, just like you! You should be honnored that there is an elite group of geniuses anxious to get to know you. Do you want to chat with them?

and therein lies the catch.  i didn't chat with any geniuses, because i'm already chatting with geniuses on #mindvox.

just think of what would happen should obama come clean about the government's involvement with aliens.  that's right, those little grey sexless beings we all imagine them to be.  how far off are we?  i'll be that'll be a question that'll get turned down at the FOIA desk.  

i predict that we have been contacted by alien beings, if not a conversation with, at least there was discovery of their physical presence on earth in some form.  given the fact that there are billions (billions is a thousand million.  that's 11 zeros!  but given that we have heard enough 'billion' talk lately that it's lost it's lustre.  trillion is the new billion.  what's after trillion?  that'd be something like quadrillion.  it's the one after THAT one that is a mystery.  i think i heard a zeno or xenillion somewhere years ago.  either way, it's a lot of zeros, and it still wouldn't be able to add up how many planets are in our universe.

how fast is warp speed?  would that be the speed of light x ?  i should research that on the internet and see what i come up with.  i'll bet it'll give me new illion words.

the David Pictures

my 2nd post with a link in it.  this is for future reference only.  i'm not trying to beef up the stats by any means.

http://www.farpoint.org/gallery/

passing throughts

i'm feeling uncomfortable because my right lens is bothering me.  got it all foggy and screened-like and it's uncomfortable enough to make me go take it out.  which is what i'm going to do.

oohh, so much better.  (10 minutes later).  caught a cat coming in from the outside thru the pet door, and it was a cat that i aint seen before.  a blonde.  probably about a year old.  diva didn't like him/her.  i think i'm gona say they're male cats unless i have specific evident to the contrary.  and unless i pick one up and look underside, i'm gonna have to to rely on good ol' instinct.

i don't mind the cats coming in from the cold.  it's not cold out, 39 degrees isn't freezing weather.  i'm sure it's probably hungry and wanted to eat.  i'll let it eat if it comes back.  diva's sitting in the window right outside the doorway.  she should be able to see inside there good enug to let me know if that blonde comes back.  there's still food in the dishes.  i fill up 2 bowls in the morning, and that should last them until the next morning.  usually does.  between mommy, kitty and buster, they go through about 7lbs a week.  i'm jus glad they're eating that no-brand kind.

btw, i jus updated her site:  http://diva.farpoint.org.

advertisement theme songs included

i've made a playlist that i thought you might enjoy.  it's got a bunch of songs, themed for advertising, and other old shows' themes.

http://www.farpoint.org/commercials/list.htm

the burial song from stargate that i want played for my wake/funeral/service.  http://www.farpoint.org/tayla_burial_song.mp3.  taka listen and judge for yourself.

something that really bites my butt

and that is windows acting up, and you can't do a damn thing about it.  such is the case right now.  i can't seem to start up nero's backup program.  it acts like it's starting up, but it poops out right before it starts up.  iow, i dont see any additional windows on my desktop.  so, i try to run task manager (right click on the tray), but that will only run minimized, and clicking on it has no effect - it doesn't bring forth the task manager window.  so i can't quit out of that.  i'm afraid to do anything else to my system.  i might have to jus wipe the disk clean and reiunstall from the very beginning with the install cds that i got when i got the machine.  it's a lot of work re-establishing a /home, but sometimes is something that can't be helped.

so wish me luck.  i think i'll do this tomorrow tho.  it's getting a bit late for doing it tonite.  plus, i got up really early today, so i'm kinda tired.

Q.O.D.

"I work for the American people, and I'm determined to bring the change that the people voted for last November. And that means cutting what we don't need, to pay for what we do."

-- President Barack Obama

http://www.abcnews.go.com/Politics/story?id=6968591&page=1

s'bout time.

i'm watching spader oin boston legal.  if you twit, you would know that already.  right?  anyway, i'm wondering if james spader wrote his last diatribe.  the episode is titledguantanamo by the Bay (2007).  it's 00:21, which given the fact that it started at 11:35, that's like 46 minutes into the show.  as far as i'm calculating it.

i'm also wondering on this thing with tomwhore.  a friend on #mindvox, who i'm tapping to carry on with the stats (#mindvox at least).  and i've enlisted the assistance of slowdog, or as he like to call himself now, emopinata.  i have to find out what that is.  but i'd like to know whether or not tom was approached, and what if anything did he have to say.  i'm like really curious.  do i need to do something else to win his favor?  like what would be the deal maker?

obamicon

http://obamiconme.pastemagazine.com/entries/845835

leq

this is my obamicon for the year.  get your very own personal portrait and have it obamiconized at the address above.

ok, the post is over.  i jus needed to know the length between the last line, and this line.

twitter, and how people twit

do you twitter?  i just learned about twitter this past week, and frankly, i don't get it, other than to say you can put down in 140 or less words what you're doing at that time.  since you're not working on the computer - do you twit when you do? - would you be able to answer that one small question:  what are you doing now?

twitter isn't really complex either.  i like complex.  some people don't.  they have this affinity to tell people what they're doing.  i'm more private than twitter.  i've twit'd a couple of days right after discovering it.  maybe i should give it more time.  but it jus didn't fill that niché.  i hope that character comes out.  one nice reason to have charmap.  i like to get things right.

i've got some thinking to do, and it's about a lot of things.  and taken individually, they don't seem so frightening.  taken whole tho, now that's a different story.  and not one that can be laid out on twitter.  blogger has more my style of society.   i think people who do a lot of different things could use twitter better than i.  people who interact with the public are more apt to understand things more thoroughly.  dealing with people takes a real hard skin, among other things. understanding them takes even a stronger soul.  so we have hard skin people with strong souls.  there's all kinds of people in this world, but they all have things in common.  in fact, the things that bind us are many and true.  

wow.  that came out of nowhere.  strange it is.  since i don't get out into the public much to really know them - whoever them is - it's strange that i would know so much as to write about it.  i'm making these observations from years past, and my place in society.  i've had all i could take years ago.  i think that's the real reason i moved.  i couldn't  keep up with them - i know that.  and it took a good game to get as far as i did.  but they're all memories now.  fond memories.

so i'll close out with this.  looking around yourself, take a look into society's soul.  whaddya see?

well, i just read the previous post, and i don't know what i was smoking, but today, i'm back in the same seat i've been sitting in for the last 3 months.  the pain came back in a big way.  and flashes of swallowing those pills kept going thru my mind.  i could actually feel what it would feel like.  almost to the point of *shiver*.

but i'm definitely back on the train i was riding last week.  going nowhere fast.  except i'm not going fast.  i'm sure i'm toning things down by half.  where it took 5 seconds to do something, now takes 10.  i used to be able to make the pain subside to a point where it didn't bother me so much.  it's harder to do that any more.  i'm all done with the kindbud.  there's no more of the good stuff.  another reason i'm back on track.  not really.

one and five still are playing a prominent role in this whole thing.  i'm unable to pin down exactly what it means.  either a 15 or 51.  but there's a 5 and there's a 1 out there.  and i can't for the life of me feel comfortable calling it either way.  when it does make itself known, i'll be sure to make a post about it.

i think i've got a checklist of things that i want done when my body is discovered.  i should get that printed out with the corrections i had on it.  since i've got the mac up and running.  i don't run the mac all the time any more.  it uses up a lot of energy.  but that's not why it's not running.  it's got a cold of sort.  i can't restart it.  once it's running, shutting it off would make the computer unusable for hours.  there's 2 red led  lights that light up in back of the on/off switch.  but why would that be of concern for you huh.

i recently doubled the ram in the vista laptop.  things run without giving me 'short on memory' dlg boxes.  i needed something more than 2 gig.  there's 4 in there now, and we're fine.   i wish i could get a straight answer from microsoft regarding why i can't see the laptop from the xbox.  i can see the xbox in vista, but it can't see me to connect.  i need to be running media center tho, i think.  i wonder if that's an option on the startup menu.

anyway, with all these toys you gotta wonder how a guy could be bored.  it's not that hard to tell you the truth.  one can easily get bored living in a 12x8 room.  my kitchen is twice the size of the living room.  i'll have to dig uip some photos of it getting painted.  

well, it's saturday afternoon, early evening.  i've got scifi rollin on the boobtube.  i shouldn't call my big brand new tv a boob.  there are no 'tubes' in these babies.  i got my 32" lcd out at best buy, the cheapest 32" they had.  a dynex.  and i tell ya, it's definitely worth every penny.  fantastic color control, and it has all the bells and whistles the others had.  no pip tho.  oh well. 

but that's what i'm doing today.  and working on the computer some.  getting moneybooks all in order and reconciled.  i've been pretty good at getting things, keeping things, up to date.  and my moneybooks are one of those things that give that special, oh so spEHshal, attention.  my money has to be right or i'll go nuts trying to keep it all in my head.  the way i used to.  but any more i have to have it on paper.  well, in ascii format.  and i reconcile at least once a week, if not twice and once in a while thrice.  yes, that's indeed a valid word.  

i've sat and thought about doing the deed, and what have you.  i almost have to do that as a last resort.  and so far, it hasn't been necessary to go there.  funny how that works.  do what i always did do, and just now is it becoming conducive to my life.  i'll still 'feel' it sitting on the couch, or setanding over the stove.  but the dwelling is short-lived.

but i'm sitting here now, and thinking about suicide, well, it just doesn't have the zing it used to.  maybe it's just how i'm feeling today.  but it's been this way for a few days now.  i think it's something karmic.  i guess we'll just have to wait and see where this leads us.  who knows maybe the whole shit and kibane will just have been a flash in the pan.  wouldn't that rock.

so we'll see tomorrow where we sit.  it'll be sunday and the talk shows are on.  that'll give me some perspective.  who knows, maybe it'll wipe the slate clean and we'll start over.  who knows.

well, something happened today that weighed in real heavy on my mind.  it was something most people would have probably celebrated with a party or something.  i don't like big parties unless they're dancing.  the parade on my birthday (yes, the anniversary of stonewall happened on my 13th birthday, in 1969) is something that i have done for many years.  of course being away from the city has only fond memories of what happened in new york.  i've been lucky enough to return to the city twice since i've been here.  both times i wish i could have left new york for home like 3 days into the trip.  it was just too overwhelming.

even thinking about it.  and the good news i got today.  both should serve to let me enjoy the moment.  but, there's just one tiny thing that's been on my mind lately.  and i'm having all these 'gee, aint life wonderful' moments that it's kinda hard to make a choice.  between enjoying my new situations and sacrificing whatever comes before me. for that 'sure' thing.  that would be suicide by my own hand.  i guess that's pretty direct.  i'm losing train of thought. i'm being distracted by the television, and this mouse won't really work right.  i've got an external mouse on usb.  i wish i knew where the hdmi port is, and whether or not i can find the box with the cables in it.  i'm only assuming that there's a box in diva's room, and that any peripherals i got with it.

but i'm definitely having another lease on life it seems.  i'm ony hoping that it'll be more on my side, but we'll see.  i checked off one item already today.  so i'm good for the rest of the year.  whiuch is only right.  

well, i could go and call mercy's health line.  but why?  i don't wanna change anything.  so until next time.  i'm not going to call mercy either.  whatever possessed me to say that  i dont know.  but it's definitely not something i wanna do.  more on that later.

suffice it to say.  i'd like to have a hot guy and a short la bamba.  get my drift?  and i swear it's not sexual.  i've been celebate for a good 4 years now.  this is my 4th year.  january of 2005.  i think master diary will have something in it.

OBAMA has the Q

watching the presidential press conference.  and i had a vision of the Q while watching president obama's face.  this guy could sell icicles in alaska.  but he's got the Q.  and i didn't need to see his face to know that.

what i want played at my funeral

http://www.farpoint.org/tayla_burial_song.mp3

it's a song sung by rachel luttrell in an epsiode of stargate atlantis.  she sings it at the site of her friend's death.  the original song was longer than what this mp3 is, but my guess is that they didn't get much without talkover.  i would have liked to have had the talkover if it were to get the whole song.  but it reminds me of a song i wrote years ago.  anyway, take a listen to it and see if you don't agree that it's a good song.

it's saturday night, and i'm in no mood to do anything.  go out, stay home, actually, go where?  i aint been out in months.  years actually.  ya, it's been 2005 january...  dad's funeral.  how could i forget.  the day David went dry.  but i'm really almost bored with my life.  and it's boring to many persons i'm sure.

but the thought of doing the deed has been pervasive all week.  i should have written something about those feelings.  but i didn't.  i'll try and remember them.  i do remember having the lost feeling.  not realizing where i was at.  getting lost in your own home has got to be a sign of some sort of neuroses, no?  it's not like i'm trying to be out of the house at all, i just get to a point where i can't remember where the kitchen is when i'm in the bedroom.  anybody that's been in my house knows how rediculous that would be.

regardless what night it is.  i feel like weird and i can't put my finger on why.  i'm not tired.  and i'm fully awake and alert.  diva's right here pawing at me.  she got her yogurt today so it cant be that.  i think she just likes to make me get up and go chase her in the kitchen while she climbs up into the sink.  she likes to lick the faucet, and once in a while i'll turn it on very gently and she'll stick her tongue out into the stream of water coming from the faucet.  i don't mind it much.  she's not a shedder, so i dont have cathair all over.  she'll shed when the seasons change, and even then, not as much as you'd think.  i feed her strictly eukanuba.

but i know my time is short.  shorter every day to tell ya the truth.  getting old does that to the brain i hear.  i'm having memory issues with 2gig memory.  and i'm at the start of the red zone.  i can't go any higher in this laptop.  kinda sucks.  are there 2gig chips?  ah, i'm told they do.

the origin of Q

http://www.farpoint.org/theQ.jpg

those are diaries from 1986. skipping a year or two in between. but these are the original Qbooks. here's some excerpts http://hitchhikerstory.blogspot.com/.

they cover the years 1986, 1987, 1988, 1990, 1992, 1994 (telephone logs), 1995 (telephone logs), 1996 (telephone logs). then i have the years 2000 forward in organizer (that's version 2.4) format and are here: http://krak.farpoint.org/MASTER_DIARY.htm.

i think the master was missing year 2003.   ...must be a year that i  forgot.

i dont have data on years 1995-1999. it's like those years are something that i couldn't find anywhere. in soft format (and believe me, i've looked at a million cds), or hard copy. i do have calendars for years 2005 to 2008. which i was going to transcribe into soft format last year but forgot about it after putting the calendar away. 

taken in total, the sum of these parts, paints a portrait of .... well, you'll come away wondering how the hell i lived so long.

mad world

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4N3N1MlvVc4

one of my all time favorites.  can't get it out of my head after hearing it on las vegas.

happy superbowl day

happy superbowl day, for those of you in the U.S.  it's the biggest game of the year.  and i'm going out on the limb for this, but i would like to see the cardinals take it.  if even for all the underdog comments i've heard.  i jus hope they win.  by 7.   i promise i wont cheat.

and it's humpday today

i've been sitting back and wondering what to post next, and nothing came to my head.  even now, nothing's in my head to get off with a post to poopy.  so i'll just blatter on.  betcha had to look that up. i did.  and there's such a word, and it even belongs in the sentence.  interesting.  some would contend that to be a sign of sorts.  what that would be is beyond me.  everything's a sign if ya think about it.  i don't believe that i have the power to change the future.  i might think i'm treading away at something that would be good for me down the road.  but really, because it happen, it was supposed to happen.

but really, i don't know what i wanna post on that hasn't been covererd in some manner in these writings.  as wild and ill-built they are, it seems to hit a nerve in most everybody.  and that's a good thing in my head.  i like things that poke me.  i'm not all that enthused about feeling *shiver*.  that takes a lot of doing.  but suffice it to say, these writings are nothing but bullshit.  about bullshit.

really. 

i'm finding another cause for concern.  the ritual before the deed?  during the deed?  shouldn't i do something like say a prayer or anything?  like really.  i mean, there's probably a right way of doing this, and i'm not one of 'em.  i dont know how many other suicides are up on the web with a candor you'll find in these writings.   musings as a friend of mine would say.

but something's been on my mind today.  and that's the things that i'll do to get into the mood, so to speak.  cuz i dont think i've got it in me to go through the steps of taking the pills then doing what?  continue to do what i normally would.  so in essence i'll be on irc on my dying bed.  i'll sit up until i cant sit any more. this would best be carried out right before going to bed.  i would naturally wanna fall asleep.  i doubt there'd be more than an hour that i would have to fill the time with.  get all the documents up on the computer screens.

i'm hoping that whoever discovers the body will read the notes i'm leaving on the desk and in the bedroom.  actually, i can skip the bedroom.  there'll be no need for them to do anything in there.  i'll have to disclose where i put the money.  tinbox on the dresser would be a good spot.  i've got about 5400.  4750 in one envelope, and about 700 in the other envelope.  that's about 6 grand.  plus lthe money in teh nbank.  another grand.  so that's about 7 grand.  i need to get tim lapointe paid off and have some casheir's checks i want mailed.  i'll give each voidmstr, krak and netrunnr $500 to enjoy in my absense a drink in a voxmeet.  and krak will be getting his because he's hosting farpoint.org for the next 6 years.  so i'll remain in cyberspace while my body floats the mississippi. well, winnebago, THEN the mississippi.

anyway, i'll get a plan together before long, and will indicate it in another post.

it's saturday night.  i'll bet a lot of  you had a good time going out.  i hope you're able to afford to go out.  i'm sure there's a lot of those who choose to go out. that stayed indoors and get on the internet.  it's cold out there anyway.  and i've got a bottle of vodka - belvedere.   there's also a wiki of it too.    i've always maintained that you know when your time has finally arrived.  ...  when you have a wiki.  i guess the same can be said of their treatment of vodka. 

ya know what i joined recently?  a thing called twitter.  everybody's now doing the twitter.  frankly, i think it's just another fad that people will get off on telling everybody that they're on.  anyway, twitter is supposed to do all these wonderful things, with your friends.  well, what do you do when you have no friends?  seriously.  not people that you can get online with and chat up a storm with, and that sorta thing?  i have maybe 2 people that i can call friends and i know i'll have him/her over here in no time.  especially if it was an emergency.  so i'm rewarding them with executor of my estate.  i cant take it with me, so i might as well make the most of it going into her hands.  it has been on my mind a lot more recently than normal.  questioning whether i'm doing the right thing.  instead of giving it to theresa.  which i'm expecting her to wanna be written off with the IOU she has with me.  that's fine.  but i cant give anything to her.  i'm sure she'll understand. 

 oh ya, it's been on my mind a lot lately.  i think i know the time is coming when i cant stall any longer.  it's gotta be something that i cant back down from once the process has started.   so i gotta be comfortable from step 1.  hopefully i'm gonna be able to lay down and go to sleep normally, but something tells me that aint what this is about.  i'm sure every second ios going to count. probably loudly.  i dunno.  i'm only guessin at how this is going to go down.  i gotta wonder also whether planning this to the letter is going to benefit only the survivors.  they won't have to question what to do with whatever is around here.  i've left a list on the table-desk for them to follow so that the place will be ready for the new tenant when they leave.  i've paid up to the end of the month.  there's a deposit on the place, only $275 tho.  that used to be the rent. 

anyway, ya, i'm gonna freek out unless i do it in here first, then i'll know what these feelings are because just the thought of some of this will give me the chills.  i'm only hoping that they are a good omen, and not a bad one.  but the process, ONce the process has started, i gotta be a stinker if i chose to ignore that fact, and treat me like i aint ben there before.  but once this process has started, i expect a full run through of the steps ending up with me in bed and 40 pills in my stomach, getting absorbed.  i'm hoping that sleep comes beforehand, so i should be sleeping away.  i'm hoping there's nothing on the painful side of things.  some might argue that i'm not seeing the whole picture.

that's right.  not seeing the whole picture.  i'm 6'2" tall, i can probably see more picture than the majority here.  but i see the picture i see.  fact.  i have to deal with that reality.  fact.  as long as we're communicating, i think we're good for understanding.  fact.  got any fact that i don't mention?  drop me a line.  i'm always up for more facts.  half the 'facts' i hear from people aren't really facts at all.  and when you point that out to whoever brought it forward in the beginning realize that there were issues with the points of contention with whatever started this whole thing.  make sure you state your facts and provide me with the sources.  i wanna see if i see the same thing you would see.  i think depending on the object of the sight.  right?

ok, i'm gonna close up soon here.  i've taken up way too much of your time for what.  nothing.  sorry jack, unless you're a really hot man looking for some luuuuuv.  ...  nah, i'm just not into it like i used to be.  and boy was i a whore.  if they wanted to pay me, wtf?  why would i say no to that.  that's rhetorical.  i wouldn't.  but i sure had fun.  i had fun fun fun.  my middle name was funn.  two n's.  i really only started using my real name when i came back to iowa in 1998.  and the time in this old house has been well spent on quite a number of party events over the years.  in the beginning i would bbq almost every night.  right out on the front porch.  i didn't care.

shit, i know i said i'd close up there.  i'll close this now with this thought - do something for someone else once.  you'll probably want to do it again.  but do it with the pure thought of doing something for someone else.  when you're incognito, it adds brownie points.

HAPPY OBAMA DAY!

did you see the inaugural program they had on every channel today?  i couldn't escape it, and felt drawn to it like a flame intices you.  i felt good to be an american once again.  makes the last 8 years worth it.  i jus hope he stays on course.  if congress will only worth with him, and there should be no reason for them not to, they'll find a young man with only the best intentions. all in all the pagentry held together and they were only about 3 minutes late.  so given the amount of people who attended the event, one would have to say today went off without a hitch.

just like it was supposed to.  maybe that's a sign of what is to come.  so happy obama day to ya.  now for the link.  http://www.kottke.org/09/01/the-countrys-new-robotstxt-file.

bang a drum all day

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZclddLcOYYA

well, it's tuesday night and i'm feeling crazy.  aint how that song goes?  i cant remember, but it sounds good.  it's tuesday. i'm not exactly feeling crazy, thank you very much linda.  but i'm glad of that.  dad died in 2005, so it's been since then that i've been celibate.  and sober i dare say.  of course i've had pot here and there.  not as widespread as i thought it would be.  which is good.  i don't like getting mixed up with that crowd.  i like knowing them.  that's that.

but i'm starting to feel like this is my last hurrah.  the finality of it is strong.  combined with permanence, and you get the idea.  my last hurrah.  a weeklong celebration.  we'll see where we go with that.  i could pull it off.  i've got the money.  it's just too cold to do anything outside.  we're due for a warm up this week, no?  ya see the snow so deep, nothing can take it away.  the last thing i wanna do is shovel snow.  i wish it was spring.  but it's winter.  the cold part of winter that we're just getting into.  we got windchills -24.  *brrrrrrr*.

it'll be nice to not have to think about it.  i think there's a whole lotta things i gain by suicide.  i get to pull the plug, not anybody else.  so i can control when and where.  i've got a plan believe it or not.  this plan is going to get me through this in one piece, i think.  my cat Diva has been pawwing me all night tonite.  i love her like nothing else.  check out her website:  diva.farpoint.org  but she can just about control all things house.  she definitely knows when those aleycats make it inside.  i shouldn't really blane them.  there's a windchill advisory til something tomorrow.  

i show a -24 on my widget.  that's windchill now.  how cold i feels.  if the wind is blowing 15mph, you're going to feel colder than if it was only blowing 5mph.  even at the same temperature, -4 it's outside right now.  that's northern iowa.  my heating bill is going to be through the roof this month.  no matter.  i don't really care what happens after a week or so.  next month?  gah, not even in the sight.  next week will be a challenge.  there's the inauguration on tuesday.  that's historic. i'd kinda would like to be alive for that.  see.  there's that wanna live thing happening.  i could name a million reasons 'to live'.  but they don't mean a thing without your health.  i'm on this slowboat to the showdown.  sorta like a ferry going across the bay.  i'm glad i'm inside.  it's toasty in here.  fuck 'em.  i'm on budget anyway.  they'll rape me in the summer.  they're going to get their money.

on the 5-day forecast i have a high of 1 low of -20, wed.  thu is -11 high and -16 low. friday is 7 high and 6 low.  see, it's getting better at the weekend.  so we're not hopelessly down low.  it's just a crush that she's on and we'll get over it real fast.  nex  tuesday is still 7 days away.  but it's gottta get in the groove.  it's not yet in the groove.  i'll wait for that.

%2347%

that's the marker for the time in the David Diaries.  and it's telling me it's time for bed.  where's Diva?

tick tock

well, i wrote my obituary.  short but sweet.  let me know what you think.

i'm torn between two dates.  this saturday, vs next monday/tuesday.    i'm due on monday to be in rochester mayo @ 1345 .  no blood tests.  he should schedule these things before i go in, and then we'll have something to discuss.  the data they're viewing when i go in is old.  i should put my foot down.  but i won't, primarily because i hate raising hell.  especially when that issue is something free (not out of my pocket).  nothing's free tho, i tell ya.  you may not see all the costs up front, but that certainly doesn't mean they aren't there.

i don't know what to do about leeann nelson.  i feel guilty for lying to her.  but hey, she'd 'follow protocol,' saying so much this afternoon, confirming that to keep my ass free, i have to lie.  so i lie.  i wish i didn't have to, but i couldn't see how spending time in jail was going to make me think twice?  please.  i couldn't deal with jail.  but they'll take me if i didn't go nicely.  talk about police state.

mercy's like that too. they like throwing their weight around.  they ask, the city gives.  and by virtue of being a hospital, they get by with a lot of shit, like this stuff.  not being held accountable. but see, since i'm actually going, they're the ones who should be getting the credit of 'doing the right thing'.  they didn't want a lawsuit first, and then dropped me because they were unable to provide me the level of service that i required.  like, what a bogus answer for not living up to the standard of professional behavior.  

i'd really like to hear a doctor's point of view.  or someone with knowledge of ambien.  explain what the mechanics of death would be.  how it would happen with ambien as the drug of choice.  ambien 10mg.  i think they make a 5mg tablet.  but this shit makes me sleepwalk.  i remember a winter or two ago when i had some accident with the car.  the station wagon i sold to bob for $300.  i lost $200 on it, but had it for over a year i think.  i jus didn't wanna have a car this year.  especially in winter.  go outside and move it every day.  i could park it in back, but then i would be running options for accidents in that deep snow.

yes, having the opinion of a medical professional would be appreciated.  it's jus too bad that they can't separate things and be honest with those who are suicidal.  it's like worrying about a lawsuit, then doing something that screams for a lawsuit.  that's mercy home care for ya.   they share web with their parent, mercy medical center - north iowa.  they have a foot clinic that i have to get to.  hopefully it'll be staffed by this nurse that used to come out and do my feet.  i got a serious nail growing and curving around.  i dont have much in the way of fingernails, but when they make that clickity click click sound when i type, then i'll know it's time to cut 'em.  and i get 'em short.  i like them short.

and then there's doctor johnson.  what a guy.  always sweet and with a smile.  i know he's probably going to hate me for breaking my promise.  but hey, what would he do?  probably commit me to 5 east.  no no way.  if they were really serious, why hasnt anybody confiscated my ambien?  that would be the first thing i'd ask for.  if i thought the dude was suicidal.  i'd probably ask him to let me help him.  with watever.  but there's nothing like getting some information on the mechanics of death, particularly with ambien, and getting info from a medical authority... shit i forgot what i was going to say.  oh yeah, the wealth of knowledge i could glean from a doctor or a nurse, would be valuable.  it would help me create my own alter.

i'll get into positioning tomorrow.  i'm sure it'll be simple and clean.  the latter especially with my constipation of late.  but i would like to be discovered in a natural position of sleep.  i don't move an inch all night.  i usually wake up in the same position i was when i fell asleep.  i have been known to sleepwalk, especially with ambien.  i'm sure taking the amounts that i'm looking at taking would negate any possibility of a sleepwalking session.  wouldn' t it?

my pussy is out tonite.

my cat, Diva, is spending the night down at the local vet's place.  took her in today to see what could be done about her not eating for the last 4 days.  today's the first i could get her in to see a doctor.  they kept her to do blood work on her.  hopefully she'll eat something there, and maybe i jus have to change the food.  i dunno.  i'll ask tomorrow.  i get her back after lunch.  plus i have another appt at 1345, with that leeann nelson over at mercy 5 south.  that should be interesting.

but ya, my pussy cat is out of the house, first time in 11 years.  since she was out all night when i got her fixed.  so ya, 11 years.  10 for sure.  she'll turn 11 in april.  i say april 15, taxday.  but it's the first time she's been away from me for that period of time.  i can take pills to get to sleep, i wonder if she'll get any rest.  hopefully she'll jus sleep this all off.  and that she'll be happy tomorrow and back to her own self.  if wishes were fishes.

because, i tell ya, if it were a serious matter and they told me that they would have to put her down (riding with linda who jus went thru this with rufus).  a bit extreme yes, but i tell ya, if something were to take place and take her away fronm me, i'd kill myself without a bat of the eye.  hands down.  didn't have to think about it.  i know i wouldn't be able to go on without her.  and why would i wanna replace her.  i believe when i die, i'll be one with the dead ones.  i jus wish i could see what their normal day would look like.  time is different there.  so maybe i'll not recognize the hour that would be taking place in our lives now.  it's hard to think of what the world would be like minus time.  imagine that.

i'm happy to report that diva has no problems in her liver, and other organs they usually check for when they take blood.  wbc was one of the tests, and all was in guidelines.  so nothing stood out.  hopefully they'll find a way for diva to eat.  even if it's just a little bit.  if she would just taste what you offer her, it would make me smile.  but i have a feeling she'll jus race to her box in her room.  i'll know tomorrow.

at least it's something to live for huh.

magicJack vs vonage

about a week ago, i received a package in the mail that came from magicJack.  it was my device to unplug vonage.  and it works.  it worked when i plugged it into my laptop, and i hooked up a phone to it, and voila, 5 minutes later i was able to get/make phone calls.  i even set up my voicemail.  

i can't say anything bad about the service you get from vonage.  for $25/mo, which really ends up being $31+/mo, i get to have all the services and features that my phone company had me on, but they were all free.  which was nice.  and i liked how it interfaced with email.  i get the .wav file with both services (MJ/V).  vonage had a few more features like simulring, which was handy. but i don't use it any more.  so i wouldn't miss that by switching over.

i should include what they sent me.  it was like a 10 point advantages of vonage over MJ.  i think they really feel threatened by MJ.  and it's good thing too.  MJ is small enuf that i can carry without much bulk.  all i would need is a laptop/desktop.  but that's waht the mobile phone is for.  i dont need one number everywhere i go. i can deal with a home number and a cell number.  two numbers.  oh well.  i doubt i'll be around long enough for it to matter.  bottom line?  i like MJ just as much as i liked vonage.

oh, i meant to say this earlier.  vonage will not issue me a refund even though my anniversary date was sunday, jan 4.  i waited until today to get them to stop the process, and they acted like i wanted the queen mary.  they sent this 10 point monster argument why vonage is better than MJ.  ya know, i keep thinking michael jackson everytime i type the MJ. heh.  anyway, ya, vonage will not refund my money because i didn't call in before it got money from my bank.  but they were really ready to end my service tho.  they thought they could end my service and keep the money for the month of january.  so whoever from vonage is listening, listen up.  offer refunds, and i'd probably come back.

so there.

for years to come

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZclddLcOYYA

what a great song.  if i had my keyboards all connected and running, i'd do a remake of this song.  it's begging .... SCREAMIN for a remake.  don't cha think?

miscellaneous musings

i don't know why i jumped on this page, it's so far the only entry in the dictionary that would have only one line defining the word.  if you know of another word that could be explained away with only the bare essentials, let me know.  common sense is of course, is, by merriam-webster, more an idea than anything else.   

anyway, MW defines common sense as a sound and prudent judgment based on a simple perception of the situation or facts.  period.  what constitutes sound, and prudent?  once those factors are known, i'm sure the rest will glide right on in.  to only have one line defining you is a great feat imho.  i wonder what the man on the street would say about common sense.  that would be interesting.  maybe there's a pollster out there that could put it together.

we all go somewhere in our minds when things happen to us.  losing a job can cause an emotional upheaval.  losing your house could be suicidal.  i'm not saying that if you're losing your house that you'll automagically get suicidal.  no. being suicidal is a personal thing.  it has to be defined with that in mind.  i'm not saying that i lost my house, no.  but such an event would certainly alter the balance of things.  i couldn't begin to say that i could understand what some of you are going through.  i try my best at spending money in the community (rather than all online).  but damn, a house, i would find myself very suicidal.  hands down.

a house.  damn.  anyway, common sense to me is something you get by living a life of balance.  i've pretty much lived a life with that in mind.  coming from iowa, one would expect to have 'common sense', and they're usually right.  i can hear it already ...  die, death, suicide, zombie, reincarnation,  common sense.  common sense tells me that there really are no zombies. die/death is basically the same thing. that leaves reincarnation.  

reincarnation.  ya, i believe in reincarnation.  i definitely believe in the life after my death.  i think what guides us is our conscience.  whether we come back to 'earth' is another story.  is there even death out there?  but i think when we die, we transform ourselves to another realm.  the moment of death is the transference of energy.  from one state, to another state.  i'd like to think that there's something so wonderful, no wonder they call it heaven.  

when people ask me what is my religion, i tell them i was born catholic, went to catholic school in mason city, iowa, and 6 months after parents moved to manly, i was sent away to a boy's farm school.  it was then when i first came into contact with edgar casey.  i only know that edgar was a prophet.  there are some who have that ability - to transend the limitations of our environment.  i'm sure there are a lot of such people out there, and especially now with the internet, they simply become more visible.

so, i'll close it up with this thought for you.  do something nice for someone.  without them knowing your actions/intentions.  it would be great if they didn't even know you or what you're doing.  to do something nice for someone is really a great feeling.  i'm sure there are times when feeling so social is called for, but there are times that will not be so tolerant.  the stranger they are, the better.  there are some people out there that could literally give you a heart attack.  i was happy to have lived with people that were rejected elsewhere.   anyway, that would call for a 'nother post.  more tomorrow.

happy new year

well, it's a brand new year.  and i'm anxious to be done with it already.  i think the coast is clear to do the deed and not put anybody out over it.  i was just thinkin the other day, the 1 5 i saw in my vision.  that could mean 1/5.  so that puts it at monday next.  which is fine with me.  i'll have to see what happens between now and then.  this is going to be a short post.  i'm really cold in here.  the thermostat is set to 70, and the heat is currently on.  but my fingers are numb from the cold.  oh well.

for future reference

1970's, late, @ nyc's les mouches.  kitty, who ended up being my roommate.  140 7th ave.  1D.  prime 2 bedroom space.  we had this architecture that modern architecture noticed in late 70's.  i wish i knew what late 70's meant.  75? gah, that's a long ass time ago, but i was in nyc then, no?  76 i know i had touched new york city.  in between florida/nyc run of the mill.  fire island really.  tho, i never did care for the island's politics.

but les mouches was this restaurant and bar/nightclub on 25th street and 10th or 11th.  11th, because it was across teh street from that other palace?  oh 25th?  i cant recall the name of that place right now, but it was where junior broke out.  and madonna.  had to do with the circus didn't it?  i cant remember much about it other than it was there, and a place to be.  but les mouches was quite the place, both in the restaurant, and in the nightclub scene.  managed by bill mcginty.  and run by a band of brothers, i cant remmeber their names right now either.  but i remember bill mcginty.  anyway, back to les mouches.

situated in two buildings, the restuarant and bar/nightclub would take in a loit of money when they would open.  staying open beyond hours was also their moneyticket, i'm sure.  les mouches.  the fly in french.  don't ask.  i had one of their t-shirts.  nice design.  it was the place to be in 75/76 i think.  i was only 19-20.  hot son of a bitch i was.  and i played it up at les mouches.  fucking everybody in sight.  heh.  that was back in the day of cocaine being fresh.  pre-krak.  the drugs were so rampant, we, servers @ les mouches, had these crystal plates made with grooves in them for the coke.  came with a cigarette, or straw, holder.  back when such things were still celebrated.

oh ya, les mouches.  one of the reasons i'm alive today was due to bill mcginty, one of the managers/owners?...  he acted like he owned the place tho.  i wish i could remember who else was part of that klan.   some jewish guy i remember, but i dont recall the name.

a milestone

after 7 years of providing stats for #mindvox and #interport, the two channels on EFnet that i hang out at, on IRC.  internet relay chat.  it's the original chat "room" that you hear about from aol'rs.  but today was my last day of providing them.  tomwhore, who's also another voxxer [one who hangs out on #mindvox], will be taking over these duties, hopefully.  i sent him the history .log files and the stats program is at http://krak.farpoint.org/stats.zip.  or you can register your copy with http://www.mirc.com.  

and i'm kinda sad about the thing really.  this is the one thing i had going for me, and now we're at the end of a long long relationship.  i've gotten to know log files pretty well doing these.  you can tweak almost anything you could think of with this program.  i would rate it a 9 out of 10.

happy new year

is that happy new year or happy new years?  i think i've heard it both ways.  yup, google has both of them and they point to a different lineup of pages.  kinda funny that one is.  we depend on google so much these days.  it acts authoritative.  i think a simple page is still the best page.

in years past, i've attended the party in times square for years.  then after my hospital visit on the  millenium new year(s) wave, i've succumbed to not going out for new years.  it jus duznt hold the reverence it used to.  maybe it's just me getting old.  but it jus duznt have that lustre it had while i was there.  for all of the 80's and most of the 90's, i went to times square for new years.  i think a million or more went with me.  :)

i would hate to spoil whatever reverence my friends hold for new years. i would hate to have them remember new years as the day david died.  so that's the why not answer for the day.  i'm sure i'll have a why not every day.  maybe not.  maybe the why will win out some day this week.  i think i've got linda pared and ready for me on tuesdays.  so oince again, tuesdays become that changeover day.

hrm, as bix would say.

so was santa good to you?

i would have to answer that with a so so.  i got a nice cologn thingy that's got a bunch of different colognes by calvin klein.  i'm not a klein fan so much as i think obsession smells good.  but he's got another one that smelled great, i cant remmeber teh name right now and i'm not going to get up and go look.  if you need toknow, you can EMAIL ME.

I'm still around, which kinda astonishs me.  i seriously thought it was a decenber 15 timeframe that was guiding things along.  surprise.  december 15 came and gone already, and i'm still here.  but i smell it so i know it's in the air.  i'm working on getting comfortable with the onset of knowing it'll be hours.  i think i can do hours.  i know i can do days.  or i thought so anyway.  maybe it was january 15.  it had a 1 and a 5 in it.  

anyway, so i'm still around.  still going off to the store and shop.  i've gotten a lot of joy out of shopping, especially when i was buying for someone else.  in this case, linda was the brunt of my philanthropic endeavors lately.  she's gotten gas and lunch.  next thing ya know i'll be buying her groceries.  not really.  but i felt good when i gave them a 32" lcd and a bluray player - bitches are $300 in wal-mart.  i think it was wal-mart.  no it was best buy.  ya, best buy had the dynex 32".  and it's been great.  it's the cheapest they had for the 32".  but enough of that.

why you say.  why am i still around one would ask.  one should ask it.  i'm here because it's not yet my time.  that's all i can say.  it cant be because of the reality of it.  i've had the pills in my hand at one point.  but i got pulled out of it.  so i know there's a force at work here.  i wonder what it wants.

i dunno.  i think, confidently think, that there is a way of knowing when it's the right time.  i believe that to a t.  (what's a t?)  but it'll be a voice that tells me.  i'll hear it loud and clear.  not that it says a whole lot, but i will recognize the authority.  my biggest problem thus far is diva.  i don't know how i'm going to leave her.  every time i try telling her, i kinda choke up, and dismiss the need.  but it always has a way of creeping back up where you least expect it.  

so did you celebrate christmas?  or chanukah?  i think that's the proper way of spelling it.  i think my friend void spelled it that way.  one n.  i took one out. so no, i aint so smart that i can spell right all the time.  most of the time.  always had a knack for that sorta thing.  but i didn't really celebrate for christmas.  i stayed home that day.  and i'm glad because linda got soused ... i think both nights.  oh well.  i aint gonna judge her at all for what she does.  but she's getting everything when i go, so i'm trusting her a lot to do what i want.  and that's a good place for diva.  i don't care so much about the other cats - maybe someone can trap them and take them to the shelter.

anyway, i'm ending this in a sideways vote.  i'm looking at life through these special glasses.  it makes everything look so much more real.  funny how i just looked up and saw dave in glasses. funny huh.  it's a sign i tell ya.  it's a sign.  :)

i'll try and do a new years post.  tomorrow.  i've got stats to do.   if you're not familiar with my stats, take a look at #mindvox and #interport chat sessions.  i'm doing 2 actually tomorrow for each channel.  one for the month, which is normally done, but being the end of the year, i'll do a year end one that'll analyze logs from all year. should prove interesting wouldnt you say?

so until tomorrow, i bid adieu.

poor bastards

http://www.co.cerro-gordo.ia.us/Sheriff/Most_Wanted/custody.html

the catch up post

i see a christmas day departure.  more as it becomes known.

this is a continuation from yesterday's unfinished work.  as it is, i'm still here and it's christmas.  merry christmas to you all out there and thanks for your calls and emails.  but it's christmas and i jus couldn't pull myself to do it and let christmas becomes a depressed holiday because of my suicide.  so i've put it on hold right now, and that's exactly where it belongs.

but ya, i really thought about it tho.  it wasn't an easy decision, which wasn't surprising.  but ya, i had to think about it from both sides.  and the side that wanted to, jus couldn't pass the muster test this morning.  by muster i mean i couldn't get past the 'remembered holiday' argument being solid enough to warrant action, and in this case, inaction.  i think i've gone, for the first time, to the point against the deed more than once.  it might become 

there are developments.  i'll catch them in the next post.  stay tuned.

there's rational, and then there's rational

if i were to make my intentions known, i'll bet the first question i get would be 'why?" and it's a perfectly legal question, especially now.  why.  why would i wanna lose all that i have.  why would i wanna be away from diva.  why would i want to leave my wonderful, perfect-for-me house.  and notice they're not questions.  it's probably because i wouldn't be able to supply qualified answers.  sure i'm going to miss a lot of things.  but that's the whole point.

and that point is there would never be, by simple virtue of the question, any qualified answers to why not.  same could be said about the question why.  when why not and why have the same 'sound', then it's one to be worth more than your normal answer.  listening for those messages is what the Q is really all about.

aaahhhh, the Q.  boy i could write one whole article about the Q.  and this would have been before STNG came out with their Q.  not unsurprisingly similar. the Q is still a force of many.  i am but just one of the Q.  think of it as a new race.  although not always so telling, one can usually tell when many get together for the first time.  the Q will occupy the whole room if given substance.  but there's much i could tell you about Q.  think of it this way, you'll come to understand the Q better as time marches on.  that's the one gift i can give people.  the opportunity to be aware of the Q.

now that i got that out of the way, the next step is just about ready to begin.  that would be....  stay tuned.